Trick-or-tart?

Tell me dear friends, when exactly Halloween stopped being about the treats…

And started being all about looking like a trick?

Back in my day we didn’t have a whole lot of options, but that was okay. Mom could glue some black triangles of felt to a headband, paint some whiskers on my face, pin a tail on my butt and bam! A happy little kitty skipped off to roam the neighborhood in search of candy.

But the simplistic homemade costumes of yesteryear don’t fly anymore; my boys want to be something scary, high-tech and sophisticated, and alas,  I am not able to create masterpieces for them. I lack the time and more importantly, the Susie homemaker gene. Yes, my complete lack of artistic craftiness sent us out to search the world– and more specifically a building that is vacant 10 months out of the year– for some spooky-ookie costume goodness.

That’s right, we turned to the professionals: the seasonal Halloween store. I was expecting ghouls, monsters, aliens, vampires - in other words, I was expecting some options for a couple of hyper-active little boys. I mean, isn’t that a rather large consumer demographic for this particular festivity? Apparently not. I came to a revelation as I stood there, mouth agape, in the doorway of the inappropriately named “Halloween Town.”

Halloween Town has become Slut City.

When exactly did Girls Gone Wild become the official sponsor for Halloween? Because it’s just asinine, and really ladies…it’s beneath us to accept it.

What I found within the store was 35 assorted hooker suits for every 1 traditional child costume. Elaborate and extensive collections of glorified underwear for women, who otherwise wouldn’t be caught dead out and about without their pants on, any other day of the week. Ohhhhh… but this one night a year, it’s whores galore, kids, whores galore! The women’s’ attire (stripperwear) looked lush and expensive, the ONE row of kids costumes were cheap and infantile.

Two choices folks, dress like a baby or a girl that’s going to make one if she’s not careful

Next year I might just have to bribe one of my craftier friends to help me. We’ll macrame some costumes…do people still macrame? No probably not, but we’ll make the damn things somehow.  Because the retail stores aren’t doing me any favors.

If only my little boys wanted to be pirate wenches for Halloween, things would be so much easier… I already have eye liner and tube tops and I could easily fashion the top of one of my bathing suits into matching eye patches….the costume would practically take care of itself. Of course grandpa may not be so thrilled about taking the salty lil’ sea dogs trick or treating this year…but I digress.

C’mon, costumes are supposed to be for the kids, not the kinks. When did we trade in bags of candy for eye candy? If you want to dress up like a naughty nurse…do what grown-ups do…and do it on a Tuesday! Do it when the sex has gotten a little blah. Do it because you already get paid to be a nurse and there’s a really hot prospect in the critical care ward that you’re trying to cozy up to.  Halloween is suppose to be tootsie rolls and candy corn…not titties hos and hand jobs. Good grief.

But apparently Halloween has become for the sexually repressed what St Patrick’s Day is for lightweight drinkers…amateur night. And the Halloween Town’s of the world are reaping the benefits. Girls are willing to drop 70 bucks a pop for a glittery piece of dental floss, some sequins and a butt ruffle, why wouldn’t the retailers take advantage?

But me, I just don’t understand this one night a year excuse to dress like a street-walking witch in search of a halfhearted broom ride. I’m comfortable dressing like a libidinous librarian any night of the week. I don’t need a stinkin’ CHILDREN’S holiday to tell me when I can and cannot let my inner-slut shine through. Don’t wait for the calendar to tell you when you can be sexually adventurous. Own your inner freak. Own it!

And let the kids have their flipping holiday back.

Thank you.

and Adieu

Happy Halloween, ladies and gents!  What do you think about my rant up there?  Did I go too far, or are you as annoyed by the take over as I am?  What was Halloween like when you were a kid? Do you think kids have it better or worse than we did?  And what are you doing tonight?!

PS: there is a riCOCKulous response to this at pointlessbanter.net Go read, you know, if you have nothing better to do.

Now Serving: Mommy’s Sloppy Seconds

Dear Eve,

Last spring my Mom was killed in a car accident.  I came home from college at the end of the semester to help my Step-Dad pack up her things and we spent a lot of time talking about my Mom. One night we decided to open a bottle of her favorite wine to toast her memory, and before I knew it my Step-Dad and I were making love on the living room floor.  I always had a crush on him and was jealous that he married my Mom. He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I feel like this is the way things were supposed to be but I’m afraid to tell our friends and family.

Eve, what would you do?
Mistress in Mourning

Dear Messy Miss ,

What would Eve do you ask? Uh…what Eve wouldn’t do is get love drunk on Mumsie’s vino and bang her pseudo father figure! Speaking of, where is your dear ‘ol Dad? I can only imagine his delight when you announce your impending nuptials. I mean seriously, what Daddy wouldn’t be proud to have a harlot daughter who shacks up with his dead ex-wife’s widower? Unless of course, he’s actually your Uncle and inbreeding is just the way you folks do things in that there trailer park you live in.

In all seriousness, don’t feel bad precious, we all have issues…yours just happen to be higher on the nut job scale than most. Only your moral compass can navigate you through this conundrum, and if your gut tells you this is a match made in Heaven then who am I to tell you otherwise?

Speaking of Heaven…you do know that the woman who gave you life is watching you get it on with her former lovah, right? But hey, it’s not like she can do anything more than rattle chains from where she’s at, so no worries. Meanwhile, if your friends and family can’t find it in their hearts to accept this untainted new arrangement of yours they must be jealous…or sane. You’ll have to be the one who decides how much credibility they have…they are after all your friends and if the rest of your kin is liken to you, things should be a-okay!

So Eve says, have at it, live it up and enjoy what your Momma gave you! (Or seek immediate mental attention for your obvious lack of…many things, including but not limited to a properly functioning brain.)

I am curious though…when the two of you start popping out whipper snappers will they call him Daddy or Grampy? Just wondering.

KISSKISS
LOVELOVE,
Eve

Okay, who has the number to the Jerry Springer Show? Should little Miss Sloppy Seconds fear the repercussions of her friends and family or shout from the rooftops that she’s in love with a man as sick and twisted as she is? Where’s the line here, folks? Is he free game or foul play?

Theeeeey’rrrrre baaaack!

I am an 80’s girl.  I grew up dancing around the living room to Cyndi Lauper and Duran Duran records in my legwarmers and acid washed jeans, clinging tight to my rainbow bright doll.  Happiness was a warm crimping iron.  I had jellies in 8 different colors. It is a decade that will always have a special place in my heart.

That said, there might be some things that we could have just left behind.  Questionable music and Aquanet indulgences aside, there were some things I consider to be embarrassing mistakes made in the decade that gave us Madonna and the best of John Hughes. And in my opinion many of these mistakes can be summed up in one word…

Fashion.

Now I do NOT claim to be any kind of fashion expert, I am far from it.  95% of the time I can be found wearing jeans and a tank top.  But really, anyone with two working eyeballs cannot deny the atrocities that were done to us during the decade that also, by the way, brought you this.

Those of you out there that lived through the 80’s know what I am talking about…you no doubt have some Bongo and Z Cavaricci skeletons in your closet, no? Well, in case you have blocked it all out, and shipped it all off to the Goodwill, let present to you a list of items that the fashion industry  and clothing manufacturers should be shot for bringing back.  And yes, back they have come…

The Beret:

The only people that should be rocking berets are military personnel.  I mean, seriously.  Yes, I know, Lohan does it.  The Olsen twins do it.  Nicole Richie does it.  Doesn’t that tell you anything?! Are you going to trust the judgment of these whacked out women?  I swear, I think the aforementioned ladies wear the most ridiculous things they can find to see if they can get the folks at home watching Entertainment Tonight to jump on board.  You are not a fashion hobo, stay off the beret train.

The Tights /Pumps Combo:

They actually spend part of just about every year trying to convince us this one is cool.  But this year it seems worse, and more obnoxious than usual. Why?  Because its 80’s influenced!  This means bright colors, bold patterns and lace.  Lace…really?  Life is not a boudoir photo shoot and you are nowhere near being like a virgin.  Skip this 15 minute fashion do.

Over the Top Animal Print:

Just because you still like to blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ when no one is home to make fun of you does not mean you should dress like something that could pass for its prey.  I mean, a little animal print accessorizing is one thing, but looking like you have draped yourself in a carcass is something else altogether…something altogether WRONG.

Bubble Skirts:

Ladies, these skirts were such a bad idea…why are we allowing them back into our closets?  Unless you are a stick figure they are completely unflattering.  Unflattering as in if you have hips you are going to look like a walking hot air balloon in one of these very bad boys. So unless you want people asking if you can fly them over wine country for a romantic evening getaway, stay away from this fashion rewind.

Extremely Large, Extremely Tacky Plastic Accessories:

Now these are totally awesome…if you are under 8 years old.  Other wise what the hell are you doing?  Please do not shop for accessories in your preschoolers’ birthday party loot bags.  Seriously, people.  If it could double as pinata filler, put it down.  Now.

In case of any of you are reading this thinking, “hmm, I might have some gems in my closet I should go mining for!” let me present to you my finally plea for (your) sanity.  If you are thinking it still seems like a good idea, a way to save money and look chic, well, just stare at the next picture for a moment. Here is a woman who also thought it was a “good” idea…

WRONG!

Don’t do this.  Don’t let your sister, mother, girlfriend, or wife do this.  Because after they see a picture of themselves dressed like this they are going to be filled with shame, which will turn to rage which will turn into a riot of women the likes of which the world has not seen since the bra burning days.

Only I think we will most likely be burning these instead:

What do you think, peeps?  What 80’s fashion items would you NOT like to see at your local clothing retailer?  Are there any items in your closet that you have clung to for years, hoping they will go back into style?  Confess…you’ll feel better.

Falling off the pedestal

“I’m disappointed in you.”

It’s been years since those words were seared into my subconscious like a hot knife through butter. Four simple words constructed a statement that left an indelible imprint on my psyche and my heart. In retrospect it was a seemingly harsh reaction to a rather uncomplicated situation, but who am I to judge anyone’s disappointment?

We each have our own concepts and ideals of how life should be, and when others fail to meet our expectations we in turn are left feeling disappointed. We place our friends, family and even strangers on a moral pedestal of our own creation; a platform single-handedly erected with our individual wants, needs and experiences that have shaped our thought processes and standards of acceptance.

To “relinquish expectations” sounds like a novel hypothesis… the less we expect, the higher the probability we will avoid resentment. With this in mind, I have to wonder why each and every one of us isn’t striving to make this our modus operandi. Control, fear, arrogance…pick your poison.

According to Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, it’s possible to attain personal freedom and true happiness by living a simple yet powerful code of conduct: (1) Be impeccable with your word; (2) Don’t take anything personally; (3) Don’t make assumptions; (4) Always do your best.

I am fairly certain that “always do your best” is included in The Four Agreements because we generally aren’t conditioned to adhere to, or even embrace the first three principals. Unfortunately, all too often we become so preoccupied with what we perceive to be the deficiencies of others that we negate to take responsibility for our own thoughts and actions. Blame is much easier than self-exploration.

A thought to ponder: Wouldn’t life be a little less nebulous if in the midst of our own realities (because they are solely our own) and subsequent palpable disappointments, we were able to conjure up empathy and compassion rather than succumbing to the egocentric martyr role?

Am I the only one who sometimes likes to pretend that life is a fairytale and that disappointments can actually be avoided? Or are you one of those realistic grounded types who knows that they’re inevitable? Just how high are your expectations?

Fetish-tastic!

Fetishes are a subject of endless fascination for me. The fact that there are people out there that get all jolly in their junk watching balloons pop or getting peed on, well, it makes me feel less self conscious about my occasional desire for a firm (ehm) hand.

Anyhow, there are all kinds of theories as to why people develop certain fetishes. Freud’s theory was somewhat amusing; he believed that sexual fetishes in men are the result of childhood trauma regarding castration anxiety. According to this theory, a boy curious to see his mother’s penis would avert his eyes in horror when he discovered there was no penis to be found. Whatever object the boy’s eyes next fell upon would become the fetishized object. As a sexual adult this very object would need to be present in order for the man to have orgasms. So what Freud, women can’t have fetishes?  Sexist bastard.

More modern theories include the relationship between human orgasms and conditioning, behavioral imprinting and super-stimulus, just to name a few. But that is not what you want to read about, right? You didn’t come to me for a psychology lesson did you?  (Good, because that pretty much concludes my knowledge on the why’s.) You’ve come to me for entertainment, yes? Well… I don’t like to disappoint, so here is a list of five fetishes I am fascinated-with:

Crushing Fetishism

With this fun lil’ fetish, folks become aroused watching inanimate objects, insects, or small animals get crushed beneath body parts. Uh huh, mouse smashing = sexy to these people. The most common body parts used are buttocks or feet. Okay, so first of all, why anyone would find smashing things with feet sexy is beyond me, the only thing I want crushed whilst engaging in sexual acts is my pelvis.  But really, what is it about watching a woman sit on fruit that gets some citizen’s hormones a-raging?  Personally I prefer my lemons cut in a wedge and floating in my vodka tonic…

Turning lemons into lemonade or sour(ing) grapes?  You decide.

Tickling Fetishism

These are people that love tickling so very much that they will take it instead of sex. Are you kidding me?! Now I loathe being tickled. Cannot stand it. If you dare do it, watch out, because as soon as I can breathe again I will come after you, most likely with a blunt object. But even if I didn’t detest it, being grabbed at, wrestled with, pinned down and teased till I am crying out doesn’t… wait. I might be changing my mind on this one…

No…I still hate it.

Is this supposed to be hot?  Because to me it looks like assault.

Used Panties Fetishism

People with this fetish say “mmmmmmmmm!” to used panties. Love to sniff em, play with em, shove them in their mouths, they at times even steal panties from women on the street. Now guys, I realize womens’ undergarments are pretty irresistible at times. But to knock women down on the street, rip off their drawers, and run up the street carrying them in your mouth like a damn dog? I cannot help but believe your mama didn’t raise you right!

Those look expensive, don’t do it, you ass!

Amputee Fetishism

This is the intense desire to have ones partner be an amputee. Sexy, right? Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that if you are an amputee you are unattractive. But to WANT your partner to be missing a limb, to get off on people who are missing limbs because of the fact that they are, or wanting your partner to pretend that they are disabled like that is just, well, a little whacked if you ask me.

Yes, I said whacked, what?

These are big in Japan…I shit you not.

Hair Fetishism

This one is focused around the smell and feel of hair. Enthusiasts like to put the hair in their mouth during sex, get smothered with it, grab it, masturbate with it and come into it. Okay…you can pull my hair, but chew on it? What are you, five? And jacking off with it, into it? That is not conducive to a stylish do, fellas. Well, what do you think…could I pull off dreadlocks?

Yeah, I don’t think so either.

Rawr! That’s just hot right there…right?

I know there are many more odd and interesting fetishes out there, I only had time to talk about a couple of my favorites.  So…anything to add?  What is the freakiest fetish you have ever heard of?  Do you have any of your own that you are brave enough to share?  Or perhaps you have a (ehm) friend who has a fetish?  Let us discuss the wonderful world o fetish in the comments below!

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