And the Jackass of the Year goes to…

Dear Eve,

My wife of 20 years has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Because of her condition, I have taken on a caregiver role when at home. She is in constant pain which has caused a strain on our relationship. I am missing what we once had and I don’t think it will come back. We haven’t been intimate in over a year. Her life expectancy at this stage is less than 1 year.

While traveling for work I met a woman at one of my sites and we just seemed to hit it off. We went to dinner one night and afterwards she invited me to her place. Nothing happened except we sat on the couch, talked, hugged, and dozed off together for a while.

She knows I am married, but does not know of the situation yet. I believe in fate so maybe I met her for a reason? The closeness that we had in those 3 hours was more than I got in over a year. Is this wrong? I want to let her know the whole story and be upfront, but I am so confused!

I would like to know what Eve thinks I should do.

Thanks,
Missing That Loving Feeling

Dear Missing Your Balls,

Let us pretend for a moment that your wife isn’t ill and facing the last year of her life with your pathetic ass. Would you still consider snuggle time with a co-worker acceptable or are you simply using the woe is me excuse to justify your selfish behavior?

I realize it’s been 20 years since you uttered the vow, “in sickness and in health” but I have a difficult time believing that you actually forgot it. As a matter of fact I’m certain that’s why you’re struggling with your decision to be unfaithful to your soon to be dead wife. Just in case you’re having trouble wrapping your mind around that concept, let me spell it out for you…DEAD. GONE. NEVER TO BREATHE AGAIN! So if you were hoping to get permission to cheat on your terminally ill wife, you’ve come to the wrong place.

Guess what sugarplum…nothing is ever perfect. You made a commitment to your bride a long time ago and I can’t fathom the notion that you’re unable sack up and stick it out another year. Your last year with her no less! Rather than spending your alone time with another woman you should be conjuring up ways to make your wife’s last days as enjoyable as possible. Besides, in a year, when she’s six feet under, think of the martyr role you can play and the sympathy you’ll get as a widower who suffered the loss of his beloved. I’m sure you’ll be eating that shit up like a fat kid and cake. Have I mentioned that you’re a complete fuckface?!

In case you missed Marriage-101, it involves sacrifice and compassion…both of which you are clearly lacking! I would however like to believe that at some point in your life you’ve possessed both of these qualities. So why don’t you send out a search party, act like the man that your wife married and treat her with the love and respect that she deserves. Or, you can pursue your co-worker, lie, cheat and live with the guilt for the rest of your dismal life. The choice is yours…don’t be an idiot!

KISSKISS
LOVELOVE,
Eve

Well, well, well…a precious bit of humanity we have here, eh? What do you think kids…should Jackass of the Year step up and honor his vows to his wife, or is it okay to indulge in a little intimacy on the side? Are his actions justified by the situation? How long would you stay faithful to an ill spouse who wasn’t able to meet your needs? And does anyone else want to hang him by his penis like I do?

The Vengeful Dump’ster

I know for a fact that 8 out of 10 of us have been the dump-ER in a relationship. Many of us, as much as we hate to admit it, have also been the dump-EE as well; the one standing on the sidewalk in the pouring rain like little puppies with no homes.

Being the dump-EE sucks, doesn’t it?

My most memorable dump-EE moment was when I was a junior in high school. He was a year older than I was, on the football team. He had thick, wavy brown hair and a set of dreamy coffee color eyes to match. I was in puppy love. We began dating at the end of my sophomore year, and we continued through the summer. Once the buzz of the new school year approached, him being the hottie senior that he was, he distanced himself from me.

I felt the rejection in the pit of my stomach. It festered for a week before I received the call:

Him: “Hi.”
Me (overly upbeat, given the fact that I had the worst case of the flu in my life): “Hey You!!!”
Him: “We need to talk. Can I come over?”

The talk.

Me: “Uhhhh… Sure! I can’t wait to see you!”

Even though I had been dreading the possibility that the relationship with *start teenage melodrama* the only man I would ever love *end teenage melodrama* was over with a week prior as I stated before, now I knew that it was fact. I paced the floor. I peeked out the window every 2.2 seconds to see if I could catch a glimpse of his black 1994 Jetta coming down my street. When he finally arrived, I fell in love with him all over again. His smell. His smile. His warm embrace.

I stood there looking pathetic while he spat the entire cliché list of break up statements out of his mouth:

“It’s not you, it’s me.”
“I need to focus on school. I just don’t have time for a girlfriend.”
“I really hope that we can just be friends.”

The screwed up thing about how he broke it off with me was that after it was all said and done, after I begged him to reconsider, and then dramatically rushed off bawling and locked myself in the bathroom was that he insisted on waiting so that he could “kiss me one more time.” When I exited the bathroom, all splotchy and snotty, he pulled me into his arms and held me while the waterworks started all over again.

Wasn’t he the gentleman?? Bullshit. He had a new girlfriend within days of us splitting. Seeing him every day with the ‘other woman’ was devastating. It literally took me until the end of the school year to start to move on. Once I did get over him… I was mad. I wanted revenge.

I never thought for a second that I would get a chance to hurt him like he did me. In the beginning, I thought of all of the evilly awesome ways that I could make him pay for playing me the way he did. Not on the psycho stalker level. If karma really worked, then she would place him back in my life so my revenge could take its natural order in the world.

And she did.

When I got home from basic training and A-school, my mom and best friend threw me a welcome home party. He heard about it through ‘friends of friends’ and decided to show up. I played nice, and we exchanged numbers. I let him take me out, and spoil me all long enough for my birthday to arrive. (What?! A bitch needs presents!) On my birthday, we went out to dinner with my parents. He gave me a beautiful necklace, and he professed his feelings of regret for breaking my heart when he did. He hoped I could and would forgive him. I smiled sweetly, and accepted my gift.

The next day, while proudly wearing the necklace he bought me, I told him what a fucking asswipe he was over a cup of coffee. I pulled him into my arms, and whispered that I wanted to ‘kiss him one more time’ before we parted ways. His expression was priceless. After I kissed him on his lips, I gathered my things and waved good bye, never to see him again.

Revenge is so, so sweet.

Was I wrong for leading him on? What would you have done?

What is the worst cliché break-up statement have you ever used OR that has ever been used on you?
Share your most memorable break-up. Were you the break-ER or the break-EE?

Give some love to our fantastic guest writer, Courtni.  And by love I mean leave her  buckets of comments below.  And definitely, DEFINITELY go visit her over here.

Cheap Tricks

‘Tis the season when most of us are doling out more cash than any other time of the year. And as if the pressure of our dwindling bank accounts weren’t enough to contend with, we ladies are also painstakingly aware of how expensive it is to look our best while hopping from one party to the next. However, if you thought it not possible to look oh-so-fabulous on a frugal budget, I’m going to enlighten you to a few insider secrets. You can thank me later.

First and foremost, remember that beauty starts on the inside. You can’t bottle it or buy it, so dig down deep, find it and own it! Pilates, yoga and meditation will not only improve your posture and tone your sedentary muscles they’ll also help calm your frazzled holiday nerves. It isn’t even necessary to leave the comfort of your own abode, just pop in a DVD and sweat in peace.

Private Pilates Session: $70
Reebok Total Body Toning Kit: $39.99

Now that we’ve taken care of the inside here’s a head to toe guide to cheap chic…

Our skin is the first place to show the signs of cold temperatures and forced heating. By mid-December what was once a sun-kissed glow is more liken to the Sahara desert. Sunless tanning is always an option when attempting to achieve the perfect canvas, but it takes planning and can cost a pretty penny. Thanks to Sally Hansen’s Airbrush Legs (which you can use on your entire body) you can achieve perfection in a can.

Tip: shower, exfoliate and apply at least 4 hours before getting dressed.

Salon Airbrush Tanning: $55 and up
Sally Hansen: $9.61

A bright smile is one of the best accessories any of us can wear, but not everyone wants to fork over hundreds of dollars and hours of their time to undergo a professional treatment. (Which, by the way, is also a tad bit painful.) The only difference between the products and services offered by a Dentist versus over the counter options is the concentration level of peroxide and processing time. Pearly whites don’t come without a fair amount of spit and slobber, but I don’t hear Julia Roberts complaining, do you?

Zoom Professional Teeth Whitening: $500 and up
Crest Whitestrips Pro Effects: $29.99

That megawatt smile will most certainly be drawing attention to your smacker. And while you could suffer through the process of tattooing your luscious lips in place, who wants to wear the same color…forever? If you have yet to venture into semi-permanent lip color, go get yourself a tube of Revlon ColorStay. You can eat, drink and be merry all night long without having to worry about freshening up.

Permanent Lip Make-Up: $450 and up
Revlon ColorStay: $9.99

What’s a sultry mouth without eyes to match? Long gone are the days of faux lashes, now we have extensions that can be adhered to each one of your precious follicles. Uh…ya, no thanks. Not only have I performed this treatment on my poor unsuspecting patients, but I later threw the system in the garbage! It’s ridiculously expensive, takes hours to complete and only lasts 2 weeks if you’re lucky. Don’t fret, all is not lost. Let us bless the Japanese mascara gawds who invented Imju Fiberwig. Its everything a gal could ever want in mascara, and more!

Xtreme Lash Extensions: $300 and up
Imju Fiberwig: $22

Being as how I always love a good climax…errrr…finale, I’ve kept the best secret for last. Every woman knows that the lifespan of the perfect cocktail dress is shorter than its hemline. So what’s a girl to do when she has 5 parties and only 3 dresses? Why, E-bay of course! Now, before you scoff at the idea or wrinkle up your nose, here’s something you may not know about the interwebs most popular auction site.  There are a multitude of virtual stores hidden amongst the online garage sales. Just this past week I scored myself 4 brand new, with tags, BCBG Max Azria dresses that would have retailed for over $2550.00 for the low-low price of $220.00! And because I want you all to look amazing this holiday season I’m divulging my source…JT&Co.

There you have it ladies, bargain beauty at your fingertips…enjoy yourselves. And gentlemen, my apologies for leaving you out of this one, just be grateful that your extra appendage has made you exempt from the nonsense of womanhood!

Okay, girls…what are your secret weapons? Do you take the time to hunt down bargains or do you shell out your hard earned dollars on high priced labels and whatnot? Are you a do-it-yourselfer or do you only allow professionals to make you pretty?

Public Displays of Attention

We all like attention.  We enjoy it in different forms and at different levels, but we enjoy it none the less.  Some of us simply want to be noticed while others are all out self righteous attention whores.  It’s generally a one way street with these individuals.  Life is all about one thing and it certainly isn’t the rest of us.  They might be able to block out the world around them, but the remaining individuals in their path are forced to swim through their wake just to get through the day.

They’ll claim, of course, that they hate the attention, and ponder why we just can’t mind our own business?  To that I say I’m lucky to have both my eyes and ears performing at optimal levels, and you people are invading those senses with your careless lack of social grace.  I could most certainly do without the following:

Playground PDA

Do you guys know each other, or should I be looking around for the closest red emergency phone to report a sexual assault?  It’s hard to tell by the way you were groping and straddling one another on a park bench, no less than 15 feet away from where children are playing.  A little passionate and reckless abandon between couples is understandable; some times the moment takes you over.  There’s nothing wrong with letting the world know you’re in love…or that you’re incredibly tacky.

Still, this is a public park and not your personal playground.  There are bedrooms and public toilets for that kind of indecency.  So please refrain from jabbing your tongue so far down your lover’s throat that it looks like you just hatched, and are feeding from a mama bird.

Disturbing the Peace

Nothing is more irritating than having to watch a couple argue in public.  Sure, I see the potential entertainment value, but 9 times out of 10 it just gets in my way.  I’m trying to run an errand and you are trying to save your marriage on aisle 7.  This is something I will never understand, and maybe it’s because I’m not terribly good at debating with a little thing I call ‘crazy’.

Its bad enough being on one side of a public argument, trying to calm your partner down until you can manage to get out of the store.  Even worse if both of you are having it out and disturbing the peace around you.  We don’t care if he never listens to you, you never let him talk or he doesn’t have the ability to effectively plan a menu for your crappy relative’s party.  In fact, take it to the parking lot so I can throw raw eggs at you on the way to my car.

Is Anybody Home?

Living with roommates shouldn’t feel like a delicate and fragile existence.  True, you’re renting ‘space’ not people or friendships; but common sense and consideration isn’t too much to ask for.  Neither is closing the bedroom door all the way before having a disturbingly loud sexual smack down with the rest of the apartment trying to watch television 15 feet away.  I know, this isn’t ‘Public’, seeing as how you are in your own bedroom…but you could show a little sense of privacy, no?

This situation always seems to be worse when the living conditions are co-ed.  The girlfriend who’s at your apartment 4 times a week, using your washer and dryer, eating your food - she doesn’t like that her fella shacks up with other women.  So instead of taking a territorial piss around a man you’d never have sex with if he begged you, she decides to imitate an Ecuadorian Howler Monkey every times she mates.  Yes, we can hear you.  He’s all yours, sweetie.

I’m not asking for anyone to put their spontaneity and carefree sense of self on complete lockdown…but does common sense always have to go flying out the window?   Get a room, take it outside and keep it down.  Otherwise I’m considering it a free ticket and I’m going to start adding commentary.  Trust me, you don’t want that.

What do you think about all this PDA?  Should there be a little discretion…even at the tire swing??  Any sort of PDA that annoys you?  Public make out sessions, the couple in the theater or the booth next to you in the restaurant?  Loud roommate sex…come on!  Who hasn’t had to suffer that?  Leave a little ranting or raving below…AND:

Our EVE-101 baby is growing up today to better accommodate all of our lovely readers.  We may shut down for a short period, but we’ll be right back up again with new panties…maybe we’ll even be wearing them.  So hold on tight, we may lose some of your comments in the change over…but rest assured we aren’t going anywhere!

They’re Not Your Granny’s Panties

Years ago, I had come to grips with the fact that underwear wasn’t going to get much more interesting than it already has.  Sure, we’re all going to keep buying new and fancier versions of the tried & true styles, but there really isn’t much to work with there, right?  We have cotton, cups, silk, bows, straps, leather, edible; the first date, the special occasion, full brief, crotch less - or, yes guys…the period underwear.  I was wrong.  I give to you, the high tech, satellite controlled global positioning undies!

The advertisement of a similar product called ‘Forget-Me-Not Panties’ came out in 2005, and turned out to be nothing more than a joke.  This time, however, a Brazilian designer has taken the punch line and figured out a way to track the girls from Ipanema via outer space.  This new line, called ‘Find Me If You Can’ includes a thong and password protected lace bodice capable of sending signals to the heavens above for all you satellite crossed lovers.

The designer, named Lucia Lorio has sewn a small pocket in the bodice to hold the Global Positioning System in place, with the ability of the wearer to turn it both on or off at her own discretion.  Lorio insists that this isn’t a product designed for jealous partners to locate their women folk’s unmentionables.  Rather a way for women to throw a little seductive eye-wink to a man she graces with her panty password.

Soooo…the idea is to tell a man I have GPS underwear, give him my password, and then suggest he sits at his computer logging into a satellite to check my location???  Maybe I’m around the corner and he’ll get all hot and bothered becoming “prepared for my surprise encounter”.  Or maybe I’m across town at his buddy’s house and this is just a new way to break up with some one?  “Check on my panties, dick!  We are soooo over!”

Somehow I’m wrestling with the notion this is a one-up for independent and technologically savvy females.  Lorio also suggests that it makes for fabulous crime prevention in high crime areas.  I suppose she means if a woman is abducted while she happens to be wearing her fancy chonies, and has actually given out the combination to her underwear…she’ll be rescued within a matter of minutes;  safely and securely cock-teasing the greater Rio de Janeiro community once again.

What about the protective parent who could force his budding daughter to turn her panties on every time she left the house to ensure her honor.?  Unfortunately a father sitting at his computer saying, ‘I told her 10 o’clock and its 10:05…her panties better be heading this way!’ really creeps me out.  Then there is always the roadblock of the odds that teenage girls leave the house with any panties on is at a steep decline.  Back to reading her diary.

All this high tech lingerie is going to cost you by the way.  The price ranges from about $800 to $1100 based on the model of GPS you choose.  I say shoot the entire wad and go for the high end system.  You don’t want to be tracking panties and not be able to zoom in properly.

Personally, I think there should be a device invented for men to figure out what the hell they are doing down there once they get the panties off, but that’s just me…a girl with a dream.

What do you guys think?  Are these satellite space panties and corset out of this world, and is the designer out of her mind?  Do you think men will actually buy these bad boys to keep tabs on their woman?  Couldn’t she just tuck the panties neatly in her desk drawer at work and then go bang the Copy guy…I see some holes.  Are you seeing the fun and seductive games in these knickers?  Adding them to your wish list perhaps?  What say you?

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