He’s got two lovers, should he be ashamed?
October 8, 2008 · Print This Article
Dear Eve,
I cannot stop cheating on my current girlfriend with my ex. I don’t even want to do it, sneaking around is a pain in the butt, and the sex with my girl is better anyway. Plus I do love her and I don’t want to hurt her. But when my ex calls I can’t say no. She has this way of making me feel bad and making me give in. What should I do?
Signed, Can’t stop letting her ride
Dear Free-ride,
Goodness, you are having terrible sex with your ex because you don’t want to hurt her and say no…but in order to do this selfless act you are cheating on your current girlfriend whom you actually love and enjoy being with? Did I get that right? Aww, you poor thing…
Come on! Why are you allowing your ex to control you? A relationship built on such an ugly lie has no chance of survival and your ex knows it, which is most likely the reason she is doing this with you. And you are allowing it, so you are either pathetically weak or an idiot. Or both.
Seriously, you don’t deserve your current girlfriend. If you want to be in an open relationship, fine, but that usually works best if both parties agree to it ahead of time. Not the case with you and your girlfriend though, huh? You know what I think you should do? Confess to your girl and take your beating. You probably won’t but I think you should. A relationship without honesty is an empty one.
At the very least you need to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror…and figure out why you are allowing this situation to continue. Are you into the risk and the thrill aspect? Take up sky-diving or something, jeez! Are you deliberately sabotaging a potentially good relationship because you are afraid? Then perhaps you aren’t ready for a commitment. Regardless of your reasons, it’s time to get some clarity, and it’s time to stop betraying a girl you claim to love. The longer you wait, the worse this is going to end…trust me.
Love and kisses, Eve
On 10/7/08 at 7:00 pm
Karri said:
YIKES! Really, you think he should confess? Sorry, but I can’t support that one. Why should the good girlfriend be the one to suffer with the why’s and what if’s that she’ll torment herself with? It’s not her fault that he’s a lying, cheating bastard!
On 10/7/08 at 10:03 pm
Trista said:
So you think he should get to keep her as his girlfriend when he has been lying and cheating for an extended period of time? This wasn’t one slip up. Besides, I can almost guarantee that the truth will come out. He didn’t bang a random stranger one time, he has been repeatedly cheating with an ex. And honestly, as someone who’s husband carried on an extended affair with someone, yes…I would rather know. It is selfish self preservation to not confess in that case. Without honesty and trust, you have very little in a relationship.
This guy is untrustworthy and doesn’t deserve a relationship. Yes, he should tell her and get slapped in the face, kicked in the balls and dumped on his ass.
Just my opinion.
On 10/8/08 at 6:31 am
Karri said:
No, No, No…I don’t think he should get to keep her or stay in the relationship! And honestly, I don’t know how he can get out of it without hurting the girlfriend. But I just don’t think she should be the one to suffer, because she will.
On 10/8/08 at 6:38 am
Trista said:
At this point, I would rather know, personally. Otherwise what, he’ll give the classic “it’s not you, its me…” break-up line and bail? She might as well know that her relationship is ending because he is a spineless ass, rather than anything she did.
Relationships often hurt, we all know the risks going in.
On 10/8/08 at 6:42 am
Karri said:
I can’t argue with that, I just wish there was another way. Accidental plane crash, new identity and another country perhaps?
On 10/8/08 at 6:45 am
Trista said:
No, no, no…then he gets to be mourned for by her forever.
I am sticking with confession, ball-kicking, dumped on ass.
Girlfriend will be sad, but she’ll get over it. And she’ll be better off in the end.
On 10/8/08 at 6:49 am
Cassie said:
I’m agreeing with you on the ball-kicking and dumped on ass part….maybe with a good verbal lashing thrown in just for fun!
On 10/8/08 at 6:50 am
Carol said:
I am laughing at the dialogue between you two.
I agree. There are cases where confession is not always the anwer. This is NOT one of them!
I agree with every word you said, Trista. He deserves to be yelled, beaten, whatever…and the current girlfriend deserves to atleast know it’s not her fault. Will it hurt, sure. But, not nearly as much as the breakup which would leave her feeling as if it was her fault.
On 10/8/08 at 7:00 am
Karri said:
Sorry ladies, I am not getting on board with this one. Just the discussion of it is bringing back every conversation/emotional outburst/face slapping/ball kicking incident with every ex that ever cheated and either got caught or confessed. And you know what…those things didn’t make me feel one bit better. Instead I spent years wondering why I wasn’t enough. And those ugly insecurities are a bitch to get over…no thank you.
On 10/8/08 at 7:04 am
Trista said:
I’d rather live in the light, even if it stings the eyes at first. I guess that’s just a difference between the two of us.
On 10/8/08 at 7:16 am
Sarahh said:
“I’d rather live in the light, even if it stings the eyes at first. I guess that’s just a difference between the two of us.”
I love this. But I must say how I feel about it depends day to day. Sometimes I think I would want to know, others not.so.much.
On 10/8/08 at 8:12 am
Mary said:
I think that telling her is not a good idea because of the hurt it will cause her. HOWEVER, having said that, I think she’d be more hurt if she hears it from the ex or from someone else.
On 10/8/08 at 3:18 am
~Lori~ said:
Confess? Yeah, right… like that is going to happen. Shame though, the girl deserves the right to dump this spineless/ball-less wonder. Nuff said.
On 10/8/08 at 6:20 am
Trista said:
He’ll end up caught…and this relationship will end.
And the cycle will repeat.
That’s my prediction.
On 10/8/08 at 4:19 am
cigarsmokinglawyer said:
You mean this isn’t ok?. Hell I thought it was part of the current dating norm.
On 10/8/08 at 6:21 am
Trista said:
That’s really sad even if you are half joking.
On 10/8/08 at 6:43 am
cigar smoking lawyer said:
I am not half joking - it is what I see every day, day in and day out. I think if you (not you per se) don’t think it is the actual norm then in my opinion you have blinders on as to what is really going on today - it ain’t leave it to beaver any more. It is more like beaver hunt.
On 10/8/08 at 6:52 am
Trista said:
I think perhaps your profession leaves you a smidge jaded. To say ALL PEOPLE CHEAT…IT’S BUSINESS AS USUAL is to sell people short. Do many cheat? Sure. But others do not. And it nothing to do with wearing blinders. I didn’t cheat in my marriage…not even when I knew I was being cheated on. And I really don’t think I am the only person left in the world that thinks that the commitment of marriage should be honored.
Of course I am female. Perhaps you are saying all MEN cheat?
On 10/8/08 at 8:13 am
Mary said:
Actually, I’m surprised by the amount of cheating I see and hear about, too. In the last 8 years, my eyes have been opened to a lot that shocks me.
On 10/8/08 at 8:16 am
Trista said:
I am not saying it doesn’t happen, of course I know it does. But to say that everyone does it, across the board is ridiculous and it is selling the loyal and the committed out there short.
On 10/8/08 at 9:47 am
cigar smoking lawyer said:
I think you just mixed apples and oranges. The question was about people who are dating - not people who are married. There is a slight difference. Having said that I stand by what I posted more people are cheatingon thier b/f g/f than you might think. And infidelity in the marriage is rampant. It is part of what is termed the pornifacation of america. We as a whole have become more sexually aware, more willing to puch the limits of norm and to enjoy sex with as many different people as possible.
And yes my job has gotten me jaded, but it does nto change what I see.
On 10/8/08 at 10:04 am
Trista said:
Cheating is cheating…this isn’t apples and oranges…more like Gala vs Granny Smith. A marriage is a deeper level of commitment, sure, but that doesn’t mean that people that have made the commitment to be exclusive but have not actually married have nothing to honor.
As a dater I am not a cheater either. If you are having sex with more than one person you aren’t in a committed relationship no matter what you are telling yourself. Once you make that move, have that talk, establish the exclusivity, that should be it. No matter what your oversexed environment throws into your path.
And I know that I am not alone either. Saying that everybody does it is a cheap justification. I am tired of the plethora of excuses, frankly. You say you (not YOU) aren’t the monogamous type? Then DON’T COMMIT!
All that said, I know what I see too. And I see plenty of people who make the choice and don’t cheat. And I respect that and think they deserve a voice in this thread too.
That’s all. =)
On 10/8/08 at 11:29 am
Charles Albert Green said:
I’m a man and I’ve never cheated and never will. I’m proud to admit it. Forget thinking life is like leave it to beaver, I am a decent human being who has his emotions in check.
On 10/8/08 at 1:40 pm
Andrew Goulding said:
Yeah, I’ve cheated with an ex and it’s a scummy thing to do. No excuses, only long-time remorse.
Andrew Goulding
On 10/8/08 at 5:50 am
Svaha said:
The boy needs to man-up. This is a train wreck in the making. Maybe he thinks he loves them both but that’s just a garbage excuse.
I’ve seen this a lot in my family. Sounds like the boy has self worth issues and sabotages every good thing that comes his way. If he truly likes the GF so much than keeping the ex on the side is only going to blow up in his face, which he feels he deserves.
She’s his ex for a reason, show her the door. She’s his girlfriend (for some strange reason), treat her like one.
On 10/8/08 at 6:28 am
Trista said:
Would you advice him to confess or try to keep the affair quiet after he has ended it?
On 10/8/08 at 6:47 am
Svaha said:
Tough call. The GF deserves the truth, and it depends on where the relationship is and headed.
If it’s strong with the GF, which I doubt, confessing can help them both work through it and grow. If it’s rocky, based on lies, convenient, what ever, then it’s not going to last and if the truth just unnecessary pain then don’t hurt her for her sake, just end it.
But like Vic said, the boy ain’t taking any responsibility - it’s going to end, it’s going to end badly, rip the band aid off and move - just don’t see him having the balls to do it.
On 10/8/08 at 6:56 am
Trista said:
If its strong with the girlfriend…
yeah. Somehow I doubt that as well.
On 10/8/08 at 6:19 am
Vic said:
Obviously this huy is missing out on something in his relationship that he’s clutching on to with his ex. Maybe it’s a certain way that makes him feel special that is lacking with his current partner, maybe he has a certain level of intimacy with her that he has not quite built up yet with his new girl. Maybe, maybe, maybe… whatever the reason, he is doing himself and his girl a disservice in seeking refuge and solace in the old comfort zone instead of taking the responsibility to come forward with his new girlfriend and say, “Hon, we need to talk.” If there’s something you feel that’s missing in the relationship, have the stones to bring it up, talk about it, work on it… give your partner the opportunity to say, “Geez, you know, I didn’t know that. I had no idea (insert issue here) was important to you. Let me do my best to make it better.”
If you really love your partner, you do exactly what I just said. If you just like having her around to bang and to have fun wth, you do the underhanded shit that you’re doing. Basically, you have made the situation all about you and your needs… cutting her out of the picture entirely.
Congratulations on properly earning the title of Douchebag, with a capital “D.”
On 10/8/08 at 6:26 am
Trista said:
The part of the e-mail that got to me was “she has this way of making me feel bad and making me give in.”
This guy is not taking ANY responsibility for himself or his actions. He is pure victim in his eyes. So though your theory is a good one, I am not so sure. I think he has trouble with closure, boundaries, setting limits, letting go, etc.
Why else would you cheat when you weren’t even enjoying any part of the cheating? Most people do it for a thrill, this chump is doing it out of an odd sense of obligation!
On 10/8/08 at 7:16 am
Vic said:
I dunno. He’s got to get something out of it besides a simple orgasm. There has to be some kind of need being fulfilled…
On 10/8/08 at 8:17 am
Trista said:
He likes to be pushed around.
On 10/8/08 at 8:17 am
Mary said:
I don’t think he’s missing anything from his old relationship. I think the fact that he can’t say “no” or that she makes him “feel bad” is a big clue to his problem. Either he’s the knight in shining armor type who can’t stand to see a woman pout or cry or he just is easily manipulated. I tend to think it’s the first one.
On 10/8/08 at 11:33 am
Trista said:
I dunno…he’s up there making a lot of excuses, placing a lot of blame…whining. That isn’t white knight-ish. I’d go with the other assessment. This guy is easily manipulated. And I might even take it further and say he LIKES it.
On 10/8/08 at 6:20 am
Jaime said:
Svaha put it perfectly: man up.
On 10/8/08 at 6:27 am
Trista said:
Does man-up mean confess to you…or just end the affair?
On 10/8/08 at 1:13 pm
Jaime said:
To me it means to suck it up and have the balls to do the right thing. Be truthful and upfront, don’t lie and sneak around. Take responsibility for your actions, no matter how irresponsible they are.
On 10/8/08 at 6:35 am
Cassie said:
OH GOOD LORD!!! JUST PICK ONE ALREADY!!!! PUSS
On 10/8/08 at 6:38 am
Trista said:
hahahaha. Exactly. Selfish bastard…its not a buffet.
On 10/8/08 at 8:28 am
Phoenix said:
But…but..I like buffets!
On 10/8/08 at 8:39 am
Trista said:
hahahaha…but you can’t treat the regular restaurant LIKE a buffet, ya know what I’m sayin’? ;P
On 10/8/08 at 8:46 am
Phoenix said:
<—————- *arms crossed, bottom lip out, pouting*
On 10/8/08 at 12:04 pm
Rex said:
She finally had her selection of dim sum with me, and never looked back…
On 10/8/08 at 6:56 am
pecosa said:
He shouldn’t get to pick. He’s lucky he’s even got options. He should be by his lonesome for the rest of his life. But I think that’s just bitterness talking…
On 10/8/08 at 7:02 am
Trista said:
No, he deserves to fall desperately in love and then have his heart ripped out by the woman and eaten in front of him.
THAT is bitterness talking. =P
On 10/8/08 at 6:53 am
Tori said:
You know, that’s why I won’t commit. Because I know that I don’t want to be monogamous. So I just don’t let it be an issue. Maybe ol’ Cheater McSlutpants should take a page out of my book. Asshole.
On 10/8/08 at 6:58 am
Trista said:
Do you think there are many women out there willing to have open relationships though? Or do you think guys end up in closed ones, cheating, because its that or no relationship at all?
I’m curious.
On 10/8/08 at 7:19 am
Vic said:
I thought you were Trista. Damn, I have to read closer…
On 10/8/08 at 8:17 am
Trista said:
What’s that supposed to mean, hmm?
On 10/8/08 at 12:11 pm
Rex said:
Means he wanted to use you for your vagina. DUH.
Anyways, I believe more women want open relationships these days. Honestly, I’ve known many one man who didn’t mind it. Yet I can think of six women off the top of my head who either are interested or actually in an open relationship right now.
On 10/8/08 at 2:10 pm
Vic said:
Trista: A life support system for Trista’s vagina.
On 10/8/08 at 2:42 pm
Trista said:
My vagina does not need resuscitation!
On 10/8/08 at 3:54 pm
Meghan said:
No CPR jokes yet? Mouth to…
On 10/8/08 at 3:58 pm
Karri said:
Hold it.
Wait for it.
Tomorrow on Eve…
On 10/8/08 at 8:31 am
Phoenix said:
My personal experience?
GUYS are the ones demanding the closed relationship, for territorial reasons. But really, they see less of a problem with them going out of the relationship for sex than thier partner doing the same thing. And I’m not sayin that this is always true, or even that if they think of it as “less of a problem” that they will act on it, just sayin this has been my experience.
On 10/8/08 at 8:43 am
Trista said:
For me, its been guys that don’t want to commit, but want me to. In other words, I am not going to call this a closed relationship, and I am going to date other people, but you…you’d better not or I’ll freak out.
I never could get open relationships to work out for me…
On 10/8/08 at 8:47 am
Phoenix said:
I think we are saying essentially the same thing then.
On 10/8/08 at 11:34 am
Trista said:
Yep. Different labels, same contents.
On 10/8/08 at 12:09 pm
Rex said:
The Coke and Pepsi of female ideologies?
On 10/8/08 at 12:56 pm
Trista said:
Ex-actly!
On 10/8/08 at 6:55 am
pecosa said:
Hmmm. The guy is a douche. Period.
Part of me doesn’t think he should tell the gf because why put her through that? That brings on self-doubt and pain that just overall sucks. Then again, she’s going to find out anyway. I’m sure little miss ex will make sure of that, so it’s better if it comes from him. And who knows, maybe she’ll forgive him or maybe it’ll be the push she’s been needing to dump this loser.
On 10/8/08 at 7:00 am
Trista said:
That was my first thought…the ex will make sure she finds out.
I just remember finding out about ALL the cheating after my marriage was over, from friends of his and asking them, “why the hell didn’t you tell me??! I looked like a naive ass!”
In retrospect, I would have rather been told, and gotten the hurt over with. Finding out afterwards makes you feel like an idiot on top of everything else you are feeling.
On 10/8/08 at 7:18 am
Sarahh said:
He clearly has issues one way or the other. Issues that is preventing him from being in a manogamous relationship with someone he seems to dig quite a bit.
Whether he confesses or not, he needs to go. Work on himself figure out why he is doing these things, then try again later with someone else…
On 10/8/08 at 7:22 am
Vic said:
Issues? This guy has the whole subscription!!
Exes are exes for a reason… mainly because a conscious decision has been made that they just aren’t what you would like to have in your life anymore. Going back to it is like slamming your nuts in the door over and over again: you’ve already decided that you want to have no part of that feeling, yet you keep doing it! And it’s impossible to move on from it because, let’s be honest here, your nuts fucking hurt!
On 10/8/08 at 7:26 am
Cassie said:
COULD NOT HAVE SAID IT BETTER MYSELF!!!! even without know what slamming nuts in a door over and over feels like!! LOL
On 10/8/08 at 7:36 am
PJ said:
This isn’t even a question. He already answers himself in the second sentence. This is a waste of Eve’s time, if you ask me. I’m guessing that this guy is just waiting for his question to be put in print so he can read it and either pat himself on the back or show his buddies. Exhibit A- “letting her ride” which equates to “I’m so fucking irresistible, my ex has to beg me for sex.” Come to think of it, I bet this guy doesn’t even have an ex or a current girlfriend. He’s probably never even seen a real life vagina, and will be spanking to a bevy of beauties discussing his make-believe studliness online.
On 10/8/08 at 7:42 am
Karri said:
“He’s probably never even seen a real life vagina, and will be spanking to a bevy of beauties discussing his make-believe studliness online.”
Totally off topic, but this makes me sick to my stomach!!
On 10/8/08 at 7:49 am
PJ said:
Sorry Hon. It’s a sad thought, but it’s what I think. However, there is a compliment for you gals in there.
On 10/8/08 at 8:14 am
Karri said:
ICK!
Really, you think that’s a compliment?
On 10/8/08 at 8:18 am
Trista said:
Yay! You’re whackable! =)
On 10/8/08 at 8:26 am
PJ said:
I meant my use of the word “beauties,” not pointdexter’s spank bank.
On 10/8/08 at 8:41 am
Trista said:
Ohhhhhhhh…!
I still think its fun to tell Karri she is “whackable” and then listen to her shriek. You should try