A Fair Trade?
October 13, 2008 · Print This Article
“An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.” ~ Aldous Huxley
Once upon a time people struggled to speak about sexuality. Men were supposed to suppress it and women…well, they weren’t even supposed to be sexual. Nowadays it seems that the inability to speak about sex has been replaced by an inability to speak about love. People are more comfortable with the sharing of a bed than the sharing of their souls. What happened to us?
Women and men used to trade sex for love. Now they trade sex…for sex. Men and women of every orientation are becoming more and more comfortable engaging in sexual encounters for what they would tell you is pleasure’s sake alone. But we all know that pleasure can be achieved without a partner. So is it possible that we are sharing that bed for something more than we are admitting to?
Ah, yes…love. That mysterious, confusing, horrifyingly wonderful experience that most of us are chasing after, pining for, hiding from or wallowing in. But in one way or another, most of us spend more than a bit of our time thinking about it. So why are we pretending not to be?
It is my belief that whether or not we will acknowledge it we often jump into that bed with our intentions and identities concealed, because we are unsure of ourselves. We fear what we get is going to be too much…or not enough. We fear our vulnerabilities. We fear exposure and judgment. We hope for validation, affection, acceptance.
We want to be known.
Yet sometimes the pressure and the fear are too much and we flee from it. To avoid drowning we avoid the sea altogether. We reject love before it can reject us.
I used to think I had mastered separating sex from love. I didn’t think I wanted an awkward emotional exchange and so I would go to great lengths to ensure that one did not occur. Until the day I awoke wondering when exactly I had allowed myself to become so hollow. I feared I have damaged myself irreparably.
But then something miraculous happened. I met a man who refused to let me hide. And just ten minutes in a bed with someone that saw me, truly, down to my very core, and still wanted to see more… it changed my life. It changed me.
And now…I want to wallow.
Because it’s really not as messy as you might think.
What say you, distinguished audience? Can you compartmentalize sex and love? Or do you need the complete package to be satisfied? Do you think this is something that develops as we get older, or is it really as simple as finding the right person to wallow around in the love-muck with?
On 10/12/08 at 9:53 pm
Karri said:
I could compartmentalize as long as I’d stick to my three times or less rule, or if there was a significant amount of time between each encounter.
That being said, I would never trade that loving feeling for a meaningless tryst. Being with someone who can feel your heart and see your soul is incomparable and irreplaceable! I’m so gross right now…I know!
On 10/12/08 at 11:34 pm
Trista said:
Love-crack…Karri’s been smoking it! =P
But I agree. Letting someone see your bare-naked soul…there is nothing more terrifying or amazing.
On 10/13/08 at 8:19 am
Karri said:
I’m exempt from judgment…it’s not my fault, it’s the chemicals damn it!
How was that for convincing?
On 10/13/08 at 8:44 am
Trista said:
whatever helps you sleep at night…
On 10/13/08 at 11:44 am
troy said:
I need some love-crack!
its been a looooooooooooooong tiiiiiiiiiiiime
On 10/13/08 at 1:39 pm
Karri said:
I’m eating in my sleep…is there a correlation?!
On 10/13/08 at 3:17 pm
Trista said:
No…you are just a weirdo! =P
On 10/13/08 at 5:27 pm
Vic said:
Karri eats the love crack? Can we get that on pay-per-view?
On 10/13/08 at 5:30 pm
Trista said:
I’ll make you a dvd for just 19.95 plus shipping and handling.
On 10/13/08 at 5:53 pm
Karri said:
$19.95?! What kinda crap is that? The entertainment value of my nocturnal eating habits are worth at least $29.99!
On 10/13/08 at 5:57 pm
Trista said:
Duuuuude. I can get the Greatest Rock Ballads of the 70s, 80s and 90s for 19.95…you think you are more entertaining than THAT?
On 10/13/08 at 6:51 pm
Karri said:
I am certain the raw potato incident was worth at least double that! I hear it’s quite entertaining. Care to come over for a slumber party and find out?
On 10/13/08 at 7:00 pm
Trista said:
You never do any tricks when I sleep over. Boo.
On 10/13/08 at 7:09 pm
Vic said:
Can I bring the cans of Pringles?
On 10/13/08 at 7:15 pm
Karri said:
Ritz and your lovely lady and it’s a deal!
On 10/13/08 at 7:15 pm
Karri said:
“You never do any tricks when I sleep over.” Says the ring leader to the dancing monkey.
On 10/13/08 at 5:31 am
Meghan said:
My guess is we all like to think we have a greater handle on our emotions than we do. That we can separate and divvy what we so choose based on the point we are at in our lives and what we think we want.
But once you meet that person who finally sees you, all of you, heart soul and mind; it’s pretty apparent you weren’t as satisfied as you thought you were. It strips you down, in a good way.
On 10/13/08 at 7:04 am
Trista said:
Its funny…I thought I had been in love before, but I really have to wonder. It definitely wasn’t even a proper fit before.
I still refuse to use the “s” word! =P
On 10/13/08 at 9:27 am
Meghan said:
Yeah, I certainly thought I was in love with my last long term relationship. Looking back on some of the decisions I made based upon those emotions is a little frightening.
On 10/13/08 at 9:39 am
Trista said:
What is it about emotional vulnerability that makes us act so insane?!
On 10/13/08 at 10:41 am
Meghan said:
Maybe trying to turn the relationship we have into the one we thought we were going to have. Square pegs and round holes.
On 10/13/08 at 11:11 am
Trista said:
Good point. In my younger years I was definitely in love with the idea of being in love more than I was in love with an one person.
Damn, this makes me want to go find an 18 year old girl and hug her! I won’t, cuz she might not get it and have me arrested, but I want to!
On 10/13/08 at 5:33 am
Carol said:
*sigh*
What to do when you have touched souls…and one side is still uncomfortable with such comfort? They want it, but they don’t.
Me…I will just let it be the beautiful connection it is at the core. Perhaps the fear of “in love” is more than the fear of loving and being known.
Love muck looks good on you…and it is reflected without any muckiness in your writing.
On 10/13/08 at 7:06 am
Trista said:
It is always uncomfortable at first, especially when the feeling is completely foreign. I tried to fight my current relationship with every part of me in the very beginning - it was so different, he was so different, I felt certain that it had to be wrong. Old, bad habits die hard.
But they CAN die…I am proof of that.
On 10/13/08 at 7:43 am
Carol said:
Maybe the key is to just keep trying your best to kill off the old habits. Then again, maybe it’s not about trying too hard at all..and just letting it be. I’m very much in the let it be stage right now.
On 10/13/08 at 8:47 am
Trista said:
I think you need to be aware that their ARE unhealthy old habits, because otherwise, you can fall into a pattern without even realizing it.
But love, yes…let it be. Thanks, McCartney.
On 10/13/08 at 1:12 pm
Carol said:
Damn you. I shall have The Beatles in my head for the next hour. Not that I don’t like the Beatles, but I was enjoying my Radiohead.
Unhealthy old habits. Check. I have ‘em. I am aware what most of them are…and have learned a few new things the past five months. Interesting stuff…like maybe what i thought I wanted was wrong…and what I really want is something different. Maybe. I’ll have the answers when I am supposed to have them. Til then, I will keep a-McCartney’ing on.
On 10/13/08 at 5:05 pm
Trista said:
I always end up turning it into “Letter B.”
Someone has watched entire too much Sesame Street…
On 10/13/08 at 6:49 am
Jacqueline said:
Sex without love is food. Sex with love is a feast. And people have all the same issues that they have with food/feasting!
On 10/13/08 at 7:02 am
Trista said:
Sex without love became Mcdonalds to me. And I can do without the indigestion.
On 10/13/08 at 7:18 am
Sarahh said:
I have found as you get older and go through more experiences, good or bad you are more capable of separating sex from love and love from sex.. But as you get older you also realize how hard it is to live long without the two intertwined.
To me it is like picking between Samantha and Charlotte. They are both the two extremes. I would personally prefer being a nice mix. Perhaps Samarlotte?
*(Yes, a SATC reference, I just saw the movie and my whores were moaning and I cried through the whole thing.)
On 10/13/08 at 7:42 am
Carol said:
See…I was disappointed with SATC. Completely. I thought that movie could have been written so much better and truer to the characters.
On 10/13/08 at 8:31 am
Sarahh said:
I agree to a point. But I think it was done that way to show growth.
I just get all wrapped up in Carrie and Big. I don’t wanna but I do…
On 10/13/08 at 8:52 am
Trista said:
See, not for me. As I got older I realized that while sex without love is absolutely possible, it is also completely not fulfilling for me. And I respect the folks out there who CAN do it like Samantha, as you say, but it does not leave me satiated in any way. y I don’t need human sex toys, and if I am not emotional bonded to the other person, that is really all they become to me. Only I cannot throw they back in the closet when I am done…awkward!
On 10/13/08 at 9:12 am
~Lori~ said:
Sex without love, happens all the time. In my case, the few times it has, it was usually after a bad breakup. That is just about self-gratification, yes it is a hollow, but sometimes necessary during those times. Personally, I can’t lie down someone unless I like them as a person,you can even be upfront, that you don’t want any strings, yet I have found out through this, that they literally, are wanting to be attached to me, yet run skittish, wierd combo. I have a tendency to see through all the bravado and bs too, think that scares them silly personally. I believe it’s the aftermath of all the pains/hurts we have suffered in previously relationships, (remember when we were all young, optimistic, nieve? Do you wish you could go back to being like that?)
At this time and point in my life, I prefer to get to know someone inside out, it is flippin’ scary as hell, to expose yourself to possible rejection. But when you find that acceptance, it’s amazing. I fight it tooth and nail, yet hopeful at the same time. Takes a hell of a man to NOT let me hide, and he succeeds then I know I’m worth it to him. Oh and “wallow” away hon, damn I miss that…
On 10/13/08 at 9:25 am
Trista said:
nah, I wouldn’t want to go back…being young and naive was a painful time. Because even then I was looking for the love and acceptance, I was just looking in the wrong places. Now I know better, I know I deserve love and respect, and I settle for nothing less.
On 10/13/08 at 9:39 am
~Lori~ said:
I miss the part of never being hurt, thinking everything and anything is possible, goes with being young. But do I want to go back, hell no. Learned the hard way. “Now I know better, I know I deserve love and respect, and I settle for nothing less. :)” IN FULL AGREEMENT hon.
On 10/13/08 at 10:16 am
Trista said:
see, I got hurt even when I was young. I am such a wuss girl! Shhh…don’t tell anyone.
On 10/13/08 at 12:29 pm
Karri said:
Ditto Lori…DITTO!
On 10/13/08 at 10:24 am
Rex said:
Notice I’m the first man to recognize this entry…
We’re even separating this discussion from our logic centers.
On 10/13/08 at 10:27 am
Trista said:
Yeah, I knew the men would run in fear from this touchy-feely blog.
But come on! You aren’t a big man-slut…so tell me. Don’t you want some emotional exchange involved? You have never seemed like the empty sex type…its part of why I like you so much.
On 10/13/08 at 10:48 am
Rex said:
Honestly? I don’t trust women (when it comes to “feelings” they claim to have for me).
For me, actions speak louder than words. Many a time I’ve been duped by girls that say whatever they need to get on my good side. Most of them were plain manipulative; whereas some didn’t know the meaning of the words they spoke. So when I got a bit emotional, they freaked out before my massive* peener was even revealed.
As for sex, I don’t even desire it so much. Anyone can have sex! I’ve given up on that crap long ago. I’m more interested in finding someone who’s emotionally and intellectually compatible.
But no. I’m surrounded by morons.
* By “massive” I mean below average.
On 10/13/08 at 11:06 am
Trista said:
I agree, emotional and intellectual compatibility cannot be beat. And furthermore, I have also come to the conclusion that they are an important piece of the bridge to sexual satisfaction.
But Rex, really. You live in an area that should be ripe with intelligent women…what the hell?
On 10/13/08 at 4:33 pm
Rex said:
“But Rex, really. You live in an area that should be ripe with intelligent women…what the hell?”
One would think so. Yet this is still California, land of superficiality.
Not that it’s any better out of state. I’m starting to believe I’m a Dating Elitist. Can’t help that I know who I want though.
On 10/13/08 at 5:04 pm
Trista said:
Just don’t talk yourself into a life of solitude, buddy. You do realize we are all flawed, yes?
On 10/13/08 at 5:10 pm
Rex said:
DUH.
I’m still social! No worries there. I’m only… not impressed with anyone these days.
On 10/13/08 at 5:12 pm
Trista said:
Damn American girls. You should import.
On 10/13/08 at 11:47 am
troy said:
I think it goes in cycles: you are with someone and (hopefully) in love with them, then you are unattatched and want to be “free”. its that internal conflict that I think leads to bad behavior, bad ralationships,and people who are just bad at them.
On 10/13/08 at 12:14 pm
Trista said:
yeah, I just think the change that has occurred in me is this: now when I am unattached and free I don’t feel like I need to go expressing said freedom sexually.
On 10/13/08 at 12:39 pm
Phoenix said:
I think I have the perfect quote for this, c/o a fortune cookie:
Doing whatever you like is freedom.
Liking what you do is happiness.
On 10/13/08 at 1:09 pm
Trista said:
Perfect!
That was one smart cookie.
On 10/15/08 at 12:30 pm
troy said:
Ilike that cookie to!
On 10/13/08 at 1:37 pm
WickedCourtni said:
The age old question….
Theoretically we all want to be able to separate. But, when sex is gooood and it happens a lot between 2 people, it is very difficult to not catch the love bug.
I think you would need to not have a beating heart not to have some sort of attachment.
I dont know why people are sketched about talking about love. I dont know why people are sketched about talking about anything.
I have never been one to not want to talk stuff out. But I have never been like everyone else…
On 10/13/08 at 3:17 pm
Trista said:
I analyze and talk out everything as well. I can’t help it though, its how I function.
Karri and I talked about the fact that women release hormones during orgasm that cause us to attach to the man helping us achieve them. so its not our fault…its mother nature. Which is why I would have loved to hear from some men up in here. But they pussed out on me, clearly.
Thanks for representing, Rex.
On 10/13/08 at 6:13 pm
wickedcourtni said:
it is like mouth diarrhea.
On 10/13/08 at 7:00 pm
Trista said:
Since I have an aversion to all things poo I prefer to think of it as word-drool. =)
On 10/13/08 at 4:19 pm
Vic said:
Ummm… ten minutes? Did he get the same rate I did, ‘cuz I still think $20 a minute is a little steep. Especially because in 5 minutes, I could do it twice.
On 10/13/08 at 5:03 pm
Trista said:
I wasn’t even talking ’bout sex, Vic. I was talking about wrestling. He taught me how to do an arm bar.
On 10/13/08 at 5:26 pm
Vic said:
Oh.
I charge $150/hour for that kind of action.
On 10/13/08 at 5:32 pm
Trista said:
I get it for free. That’s love.
On 10/13/08 at 7:11 pm
Vic said:
Shhh… then everyone will want me to do it to them for free!
On 10/13/08 at 8:26 pm
Missygail said:
I’ve got a man that I met during my birthday party. We’ve had sex twice thus far. Well, actually we were together twice, but we had sex a few times within those two times together.
At first he was all into me, wanting to see me everything. Then his world fell apart. Lost job, lost apartment, everything… he’s slowly gaining it back piece by piece.
After that he pulled away. Said that he didn’t want to burn his bridges with me and that he didn’t want me to become to into him and scare him away or what not… but yet could still sleep with me.
It dawned on me, kind of a stupid moment asking myself why would I still be sleeping with him if he can’t make a commitment. It was a realization that basically I’m not going to wonder about him or worry about him and if I run into him again and he’s all over me, then I’ll tell him either relationship or no nookie.
I guess it just takes me a minute to wake up and clue in…
I like relationships, I don’t need them, but I like them. I don’t do well with one night stands…
On 10/13/08 at 11:02 pm
razor said:
…I thought I could keep it separate when I first began my experiences so long ago, but I would soon learn the separation was not only impossible, but ultimately unwelcome…now I celebrate the passionate connection between love and sex…every time I choke some willing victim close to ecstatic semi-consciousness and I lick a trembling tear from her cheek as she struggles and writhes to our rhythm and I feel that moment as so powerful and real and I know I mean it when I hoarsely whisper in her ear through my clenched teeth, “I got you, baby, I got you.” And its more than just fucking for the physical release, its love…real love…inseparable from the exquisite pain and pleasure principles…it was a hard lesson to learn, but I never lose sight of it now…
On 10/14/08 at 4:39 am
Cassie said:
YES…I can Compartmentalize!!
On 10/16/08 at 8:29 am
mai said:
I think i’m going to take a year off of D all of the above!