A fall of faith
July 28, 2008 · Print This Article
As you may or may not know, a couple weeks ago I went and saw a medium who was to be a guest on the Eve-101 show. What I did not know was that my reading was to deliver tremendous, life altering messages to me…messages that have forever changed my path and permanently imprinted themselves upon my heart and soul. I hope you don’t mind taking a bit of a journey with me…
I am now a woman on a mission. A mission to build up my trusting account.
It started with a simple question:
“Do you trust your partner?”
The words hung heavily in the air for a moment…and then my hesitant, “yeeess…”
“Do you trust yourself?”
There it was…the question and the answer to it all. I said yes, but the disbelief in my voice was evident to everyone in the room, including myself. Do I trust myself? And what exactly does it mean… to trust oneself?
I have always seen trust as this immense, immeasurable leap of faith; a walking of the tightrope without a safety net. For a girl like me, a girl who does nothing without mapping out plans A-E, this was a concept I struggled to wrap my head around.
And it didn’t help that I often seemed to fill my life with people that would let me down or betray me in some way. For a long time I wanted to blame those people…hold them accountable for my lack of trust. But lately as I have at last turned my focus inward, where it belongs, I have recognized something both profound and blatant.
I was attracting untrustworthy people in order to avoid truly having to trust.
And moreover, I was also in the habit of devising ways of testing the trustworthiness of my loved ones…and in this way I would push them towards the behaviors I feared. I never gave anyone a chance to BE trustworthy.
I was living in a web crafted by my own self-fulfilling prophecy of betrayal.
So now I am in the process of untangling myself from my own mistrusts. I have found my way to the center of it and I have discovered it was nothing more than a bramble of my own dark thoughts…and I alone must cut them all away. It is not an easy process, but I am determined.
Because underneath it all I have found a tiny spark of trust…for myself.
- Trust that I am good enough.
- Trust that I am strong enough.
- Trust that I am capable of loving and being loved.
- Trust that I can reshape my life and achieve my widest dreams.
I am letting go…I am falling back…I will be caught.
I trust in that.
Please forgive my indulgence…but share I must…and also hope…that perhaps I can inspire one of you too…to trust yourself a little more than you did yesterday. Allow that inner voice to be heard…
xx
On 07/28/08 at 4:30 am
PrincessQuello said:
Morning darling…Thank you for sharing this with us. I’ve been doing my best to trust myself…I still push people away sometimes but I am surrounded by people who see the person that I am and who give me that push when I need it so I’ve been trusting myself more. Granted, I’m in a rut at the moment but no matter what, I know that I am worthy of *something*, even if it’s not as much as other people give me credit for…I’ve begun to trust who I am and who I *can* be.
xoxo
On 07/28/08 at 8:19 am
Trista said:
It was my pleasure.
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You know…it seems like such a simple concept, trusting yourself. But old habits…they cling to you like barnacles, don’t they?
On 07/28/08 at 6:01 am
Carol said:
Fear and Love are like oil and water. They don’t mix well. I’ve been talking about this for a while. It doesn’t matter if you are talking about loving/trusting yourself or others, the concept is the same. So, when I find myself fearing something, I know I have to actively choose to love myself or whatever/whoever MORE. Yeah, I’m the hippie love child singing “love is the answer”. I believe it. I trust in THAT, for sure.
Can I love…absolutely. I trust in THAT, too. It’s the “am I worthy (for lack of a better word) of BEING loved” that makes me pause. I know in my heart I am…but I do occasionally doubt I will ever be loved the way I desire to be loved in the romantic sense. Thank heavens for friends who love me just the way I am.
On 07/28/08 at 8:20 am
Trista said:
I am lucky and grateful for the patient people in my life that DO absolutely love me and are willing to support me while I work my way through all this.
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I am blessed indeed.
On 07/28/08 at 8:47 am
Jime said:
“but I do occasionally doubt I will ever be loved the way I desire to be loved in the romantic sense.”
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That is the rub! How do our desires manage to twist up our ideas of romantic fulfillment? That’s a hard one to grasp, no?
On 07/28/08 at 9:39 am
Carol said:
Awww…,my desires aren’t twisted in the area of romantic fulfillment. I want a life long partner who is both my best friend and the only lover I could ever desire. I want him to love me as unconditionally and without reservation…as I do him. Maybe the rub is meeting and knowing the one who COULD be that person, potentially, yet knowing they can’t go “there”…. knowing all the while there is no place you’d rather be. Does that mean we sacrifice our romantic ideals…or we are adjusting them to be more of a compromise which really meets the needs of both sides? The right person…but not the situation you envision….versus the situation you envision with the wrong person. Me…well, I am a people person.
On 07/28/08 at 6:17 am
Cassie said:
UMMMMMM, WOW
I’ll have to marinate on THAT one a while!!!
On 07/28/08 at 6:54 am
Carol said:
Bullshit. You drove over eight hours to spend one last weekend in my house with me. You do love me, dammit…you can’t say you don’t!
Yeah, woman, I caught the whole CAP thing. lol. And you and I already talked about the whole romance thing….
On 07/28/08 at 7:52 am
Cassie said:
I’ll never deny loving you. lol
On 07/28/08 at 7:51 am
Karri said:
I LOOOOOOVE IT!
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And I think it’s obvious that others are “getting something out of it.”
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Just like negativity and mistrust, hope and happiness will spread to those who are willing and able to accept them.
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LOVES, LOVE!
On 07/28/08 at 8:17 am
Trista said:
I know we are rarely rewarded for writing the serious stuff…but sometimes it has to be done. Sometimes we have to put “Chubby” and “Stinky” away and just work on Trista and Karri.
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xx
On 07/28/08 at 10:01 am
Kevin M. said:
“Chubby” and “Stinky”??? BWAHAAHAHAHA!
On 07/28/08 at 10:31 am
Trista said:
Nothing like a little self-deprecation in the morning! =)
On 07/28/08 at 8:05 am
Meghan said:
Well congrats on welcoming the process! I too am tired of being the person that always says ‘I knew that was going to happen!’. I’d much rather be the person that makes what I want to happen, in my own time.
On 07/28/08 at 8:21 am
Trista said:
I am all about making it happen nowadays. I just cannot believe it took me so long to figure out what a difference a positive attitude would make in my life.
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Better late than never though, right?
On 07/28/08 at 8:25 am
PJ said:
Ok. So I had a big paragraph written here but I screwed up and it got eaten. In summary: I’m more trusting than I should be, I’m a jackass, I think you’re doing the right thing here and wish you luck, and I’m sorry about not being around last week.
On 07/28/08 at 9:48 am
Trista said:
Perhaps you can donate to my trusting account then?
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And you are forgiven…as long as you don’t forget to come a callin’ when you are in my city.
On 07/28/08 at 10:00 am
PJ said:
Actually, there’s good and bad news. I was planning to call you this afternoon. Well, your afternoon, my afterwork.
On 07/28/08 at 10:30 am
Trista said:
Uh oh…I hope the good outweighs the bad…
On 07/28/08 at 8:37 am
Jime said:
Bravo Trista. Seems you have made a journey full circle. Now it’s time to listen to the only voice that really matters.
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Years ago I was working a project with one of the women that I respect most in all the world. I was having difficulty so she sat me down and we had a chat. She said, “Jime, why are you pretending to be someone else? We are more interested in just watching you.” Then she dropped it on me: “Who told you you weren’t good enough?”
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That took me back. For a few moments I was dumbfounded, then I tried to think back–get to the center of it. I responded, “I did. I guess I told myself.”
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She responded, and I remember she had the beginnings of a tear in her eye: “And that’s the only voice that matters.” Know thyself, show thyself.
On 07/28/08 at 9:51 am
Trista said:
Thank you…and yes, it is. My struggle lies in deciphering the inner voice of Truth from the inner voice of doubt. But I am learning their subtle differences.
On 07/28/08 at 10:02 am
Jime said:
I think I know what you mean. You’re talking about being unbiased. About seeing a situation or person and making an unprejudiced evaluation. Seeing that kind of Truth often requires eliminating the ego.
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The whispers of the ego are very seductive.
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Care to share some of the subtle differences between the voices that you have learned?
On 07/28/08 at 10:56 am
Trista said:
My biggest thing? One voice fills me with a sense of dread, the other, a calm. And it is a brief sensation, as delicate as a stomach flutter, but if I am paying attention, I feel it.
On 07/28/08 at 11:51 am
Jime said:
That’s really sensitive, Trista. I can venerate that. It’s enlightening to me that you wire your dread-sensation with your doubts. Thanks for sharing that. I despise the feeling of dread…because it clings and gnaws, and what you shared allows me to understand this from a different perspective.
On 07/29/08 at 7:48 am
Trista said:
Some people listen to their hearts, others their heads, but me…I am a gut girl all the way.
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That sounded grosser than I intended. =)
On 07/28/08 at 10:20 am
Matt Gamble said:
If this place turns into Stuart Smalley dishing out relationship advice I am totally canceling my RSS subscription.
Trust me on that.
On 07/28/08 at 10:27 am
Trista said:
This wasn’t relationship advice…more personal essay, really. Beg your pardon, I assume you are one of the ones that prefers pube talk?
On 07/28/08 at 10:29 am
Trista said:
PS:
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I knew I was going to get that from someone when I used “good enough” but damn it I am! And people DO like me!
On 07/28/08 at 10:39 am
Kevin M. said:
Lol. I resisted the urge to mention it.
On 07/28/08 at 10:54 am
Trista said:
Damn it, he just owns that phrase now and there is nothing we can do about it.
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Must…resist…urge to edit…it…out…
On 07/28/08 at 11:21 am
Kevin M. said:
Hey! We can’t edit. YOU can’t edit!
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It’s kinda like the gay community did with the word ‘queer’. You just gotta take it for your own… use it to a powerful level… and change the whole connotation. Soon, no one will remember Stuart ever uttered the phrase.
On 07/28/08 at 10:38 am
Kevin M. said:
This is another great self-help topic, T. IMO, anyway. Sounds like this little vacation of yours was more of a mini-sabbatical or something. You got more done in YOUR cosmos than most do in a lifetime. Simply… wonderful.
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As I sat and thought about this topic, I quickly realized that there isn’t much in this world I DON’T trust. As PJ alluded to, I also trust too much… and too easily. And that goes for the trust I afford strangers, the AMOUNT of trust I afford “friends”, and certainly the trust in myself.
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I am disappointed quite often by strangers out there that turn out to be worth about us much as the stench air they’re exhaling. I’ll never be a cynic… so I’ll never get away from that two-by-four upside the back of my head. But the good news is that it’s happened so much, the skin and bone back there has grown pretty thick. It is what it is, and I can take it.
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When it comes to friends, I use the quotes above because they’re not always the TRUE definition of their label. I’m not sure if it’s something I’m doing, or just the type of people I’ve crossed paths with in my life, but more often than not, people who claim to be my friend either have a much more meaningless definition of the term, or somehow run their course and no longer see themselves as such. Again, I’ve been burned more times than I can remember, but that’ll never change. I do want friends to earn that status… but I’ll always give the benefit of the doubt first. These are the most painful, for sure. But I’ve come to grips with the fact that it just comes with the territory. I can’t, and SHOULDN’T change how I feel about people by nature.
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The trust in myself? Well, I sometimes feel I should pull back the reigns a bit. Sometimes biting my tongue… or just sitting back and observing would certainly do me some good. Or maybe not being so picky and over-analyzing a sig other is needed. There are several scenarios where it is possible to trust yourself TOO much, y’know? And I supposed that spills into other trust issues, as well.
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I trust I’m making ANY sense, here. >.<
On 07/28/08 at 11:27 am
Trista said:
I have suffered from the over-analyzing issue as well. I just would not make a decision without flipping it over, turning it inside out, dissecting it and putting it back together a million different ways.
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But then…I would STILL waffle. I would sit on the fence for so long that I would begin to think it was comfortable there.
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Now I realize it was my ass going numb. =)
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So I am learning to leap off…slowly. I still have to look for a soft place to land first though.
On 07/28/08 at 1:36 pm
Karl Rove said:
Wow. Perfect timing, Trista. I have to make a big decision in the next couple of days, and this blog made me realize that my hesitation to go through with my decision is that I didn’t trust myself to be able to do it. Now I know that all I need to do is to put trust in myself that my decision will be the right one.
On 07/28/08 at 4:05 pm
Trista said:
Yay, I am so glad that this came at the right time for you…that makes me happy.
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Listen to that little voice…let it become stronger and louder…
On 07/28/08 at 2:33 pm
Rose said:
I have always struggled with trust issues too and it does all boil down to trusting yourself and believing what you are doing or going to do is right or just trusting your instincts/intuitions. Well written!! Bravo… Bravo…
On 07/28/08 at 4:08 pm
Trista said:
I thank you…and I thank you for stopping by!
On 07/28/08 at 3:43 pm
lisaq said:
It’s a journey and a process but definitely a worthwhile one. Trusting myself, and my heart, are things I definitely still struggle with. Old beliefs become ingrained and damn hard to shake, but shake them we must!
On 07/28/08 at 4:13 pm
Trista said:
Very true…these old habits die hard. But living on auto pilot is the worst thing we can do…it’s not good for us physically or mentally.
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Shake it up! =)
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Did I really just quote an 80’s song? Yep…I did.
On 07/28/08 at 3:48 pm
Beesarro said:
“Wow” seems to be the consensus here, and I’ll agree. But I find it so dissapointing that so many people (myself included) have lost track of the basics. Getting lost in things we learn so young then forget only to betray ourselves. So many people read something like this and are amazed at the truth and simplicity, yet find it so difficult to regain. We get lost in the confusion of the complicated empty things that “fill” our lives only to lose the best and most valuable.
Great job Trista, and thank you.
B
On 07/28/08 at 4:16 pm
Trista said:
Indeed. It is all so fundamental, yet so easy to lose track of in our daily struggle. How important it is to focus on what is going on inside of us…yet this is also what so many of us forget to do…just check in with ourselves.
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Thank you too… =)
On 07/28/08 at 7:36 pm
Jeff said:
Such a wonderful post to come back to! I am so sorry that I haven’t been around the way I used to. Things around here have gotten quite hectic. I got a job now, so I have been quite busy. Not as much time online as I used to. But don’t think that has changed how often I think about You! I miss You buddy! I am glad You have started on this path. I am also glad You wrote this post! It has given me some things to think about. I always kind of knew, in the back of my head, that I didn’t trust myself the way I should. Now I have had the inspiration, to actually take a look at that. And possibly start to do something about it. Thank You for that needed mirror in my face! I heart You T, I truly do!
On 07/28/08 at 8:15 pm
Trista said:
Awww, thanks mister! You have been missed, but I am oh so proud of you right now!
On 07/28/08 at 10:20 pm
Don Italo said:
Oh fair Trista, I feel ya. I had this revelation myself. It’s all part of how I came to achieve my uber buddhaliness.
Although I must say that this happened some time ago for me so… I totally beat ya to the finish line!
Ha!!!
It’s okey Slow Poke… I love ya. ;P
Fearlessness is quite liberating.
On 07/29/08 at 7:46 am
Trista said:
Yeah…I don’t know what took me so long…but I am glad I finally meandered my way over. =)
On 07/29/08 at 9:35 pm
Don Italo said:
It’s nicer over here anyways.
On 07/29/08 at 10:02 am
Rev. Mitcz said:
That’s a profound statement. One I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about. Hmm… I’ll have to ruminate for a bit.
On 07/29/08 at 10:29 am
Trista said:
The overall trust bit? Or the trust in self?
On 07/29/08 at 1:03 pm
Chris said:
In the words of David Wilcox, from Inside Of My Head:
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“So this song is kind of about mental hygiene; it’s about when I get thinking too much. It was inspired by one night when I was agonizing about some embarrassing memory I can’t even remember and suddenly I just sat up in bed with this thought. I said, ‘Wait a second. It’s MY head. How come I have no authority for what gets to camp out there for my whole life? I’m agonizing over this stuff that I should have forgotten YEARS ago!’ If I kept the rooms of my home the way I keep the rooms of my mind, there would be these old boxes of junk just stacked up covering the windows. It’s no good. I’ve got to clear it out. I somehow thought that’s just the way it was. I didn’t realize… it’s my job; there’s no one else that’s going to do it, you know? If it was the second floor apartment, it’s the kind of job where you rent the dumpster that goes on the sidewalk, like the construction sites, and you just open the second floor window, get one of those little chutes that looks like a whole string of wastebaskets, and you just start throwin’ stuff, and you get some room up there for thinking again.”
On 07/29/08 at 1:53 pm
Trista said:
Love it. Now I must quote my man, Vonnegut:
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“I am trying to make my head as empty as it was when I was born onto this damaged planet fifty years ago…The things other people have put into my head, at any rate, do not fit together nicely, are often useless and ugly, are out of proportion with one another, are out of proportion with life as it really is outside my head….So this book is a sidewalk strewn with junk,trash which I throw over my shoulders as I travel…”
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~Breakfast of Champions.
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He influences my purging style of writing in a big way, that man.
On 07/30/08 at 11:58 am
Chris said:
Are you saying you binge and purge?
On 07/30/08 at 12:19 pm
Trista said:
Only on information!
On 07/30/08 at 1:17 pm
Chris said:
Well, I’m full of it.
On 07/30/08 at 1:18 pm
Chris said:
INFORMATION! Full of INFORMATION!!