A little tied up…
April 30, 2008 · Print This Article
The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.
~ Alfred Lord Tennyson
When you tell people that you enjoy being dominated in bed, you are usually opening yourself up for a bit of judgment. The world tends to have a negative view of submissives. They are often (incorrectly) viewed as weak, pathetic, victim-like, or damaged. So before I go any further, allow me to supply you with a proper definition:
Submissive(sub) - A person who willingly relinquishes control of themselves to a dominant.
Submissives come in all shapes and sizes, from all walks of life. They are not all victims of abuse, nor are they are all sexual deviants. They are most assuredly not are all suffering from psychosis. You probably couldn’t pick one out in a lineup because they are often average, normal, people.
Unfortunately, our puritanical, condemnatory society seems to have the capacity for making people feel bad about the things that make them feel good, as well as the tendency to vilify things that might be out of the ordinary. In other words, if you aren’t doing it missionary with the lights out, you are a freak. So naturally this business of one person lording over another in the bedroom is going to be misjudged and misunderstood.
There is a lot more to D/s that one party giving orders that the other follows. But the most important thing to recognize is that she or he is succumbing to the other party because they WANT to. They choose to. They have empowered their dominant and they can take it away at any time, because in D/s the power truly lies within the hands of the submissive. You start slowly. Establish trust. Come to agreements regarding what will and will not be okay during the exchange. The dominant respects the boundaries of their submissive, always. Trust builds and intensity builds with it. Everything is safe. Everything is consensual. The submissive can stop things at any time.
So what is the draw for a submissive? For me it is the fact that I can just let go. My inhibitions melt away, my competitive nature is set aside and I can go where my body takes me. I am a very domineering person in my day to day life; submitting in bed gives me an opportunity to give myself a break from my need to control. And it feels amazing to give the gift that is my trust; for that is a gift I do not give very freely. Submission is about choice, not weakness. Contrary to popular belief I feel like I am at my strongest when I relinquishing myself like this. It is a brave and empowering choice, one I wouldn’t make if it didn’t feel good.
And now some helpful suggestions!
1. Your safe word is only going to work if the other party actually knows what it is ahead of time. Otherwise you’ll just look silly shouting out “rutabaga!” over and over again.
2. Discuss your boundaries before you begin. If forced oral makes you uncomfortable, for example, let your partner know ahead of time rather than waiting till you are mid session. Its all fun and games till you cause damage to the phallus…with your teeth…
3. Do not allow someone you do not know and trust to tie you up or cuff you. You really don’t want to have a concerned family member showing up at your apartment with the police because you have been MIA to find you bound and gagged in your bed. That is going to ruin Thanksgiving for years to come.
4. Have a solid sense of self-worth. Otherwise you are just a pathetic little lump…who wants to play dungeon with a lump?
5. Do not confuse abuse with dominance. I shouldn’t have to say this one, but I will anyway, just to be safe. Dominants are always in control of themselves and their actions; abusers are not. Abusers do not negotiate; they do not stop when they are asked to. In short they are a lousy person and they have no place in your bedroom or your life.
Seriously, kids…communication is the key to great sex, always, and it is an absolute necessity in this type of play. People who partake in the joys of D/s must have respect, communication and trust firmly locked down BEFORE they begin to be sexual with one another, which is more than you can say for many people engaging in so-called normal sex. Push the envelope, you might discover a side of yourself you never thought possible.
Alright my kinky friends, its share time. I’ll tell all my funny D/s mishap stories if you do! And I welcome the serious comments as well…are you open to this? Does it make you uncomfortable? Did I share too much (never!)? Open up, lets talk!
On 04/29/08 at 8:58 pm
admin said:
BRAVO, BRAVO!
Remember, when you have a ball gag in your mouth “Banana Foster” sounds a lot like “do me faster”… not the best safe word. I’m just sayin’.
On 04/30/08 at 6:13 am
Trista said:
I know, you’re right…I’m working on a new one.
Although you are the one with the dog ball fetish around here, sister!
On 04/30/08 at 7:03 am
Karri said:
I only use the dog ball when I can’t find the gag ball..I’m like MacGyver n’ shit.
On 04/30/08 at 7:51 am
Trista said:
Just don’t breathe in too deeply with that thing shoved in your face, that is one mishap you DON’T want to have to explain at the ER!
On 04/30/08 at 5:42 am
Carol said:
Rutabagas….that made me laugh.
I’ve read quite a bit on this subject in the hopes to understand it. I totally get the “giving control” and the level of trust it takes. I love how you differentiate between Dominants and abusers. I think that may be the single most misunderstood aspect of it.
All that being said, I have never been in a truly submissive position before. The idea just doesn’t appeal to me in a true S/D context. But, I have a few very close friends who swear by it. To each his or her own, you know?
On 04/30/08 at 6:17 am
Trista said:
I think there are definite degrees to it. There is an entire lifestyle aspect to this, and I most assuredly could not go there myself. Nor is this the only way for me to enjoy myself in bed, which is the case with some submissives.
On 04/30/08 at 7:43 am
Carol said:
I think you just nailed my key thing…its NOT the only way you can enjoy yourself in bed.
To me, the couple that prefers to only have sex in three (or even ten) positions is missing out on all kinds of true trust and intimacy. The willingness it takes to be open and communicate desires….that ends up by the wayside.
Fantasy, role play and role-reversal are all worthy of exploration…as are hundreds of other things. Being with a partner that encourages that truest intimacy in communication will allow for all kinds of heaven. I’m still one of of those people who swears that the sexiest organ is the brain when attached to the heart. Intimacy has very little to do with being naked in the physical sense.
On 04/30/08 at 7:59 am
Trista said:
“Intimacy has very little to do with being naked in the physical sense.”
~Absolutely. Exploration in intimacy is one of the greatest journeys that you can take with someone.
On 04/30/08 at 5:57 am
Cassie said:
UMMMMM, to a certain degree….YES, PLEASE! Not truly a sub, but certain aspects are very appealing to me!
I don’t trust ANYONE to tie me up(bad childhood experience), but just about everything else is game!!!
On 04/30/08 at 6:19 am
Trista said:
Yeah, I suppose I am not “truly a sub” either, in that this is an occasional indulgence.
It’s just a piece of the pie for me.
I like pie.
On 04/30/08 at 6:44 am
Balancing Good & Evil Daily said:
I’m with you two on this one. The piece of pie is nice… then again, sometimes I need to be a Dom too. I don’t know what it is, but I feel the opposite, when I’m sub I feel completely in control, and the Dom side is being directed completely. Either way, they are both nice in moderation.
On 04/30/08 at 6:48 am
Trista said:
Exactly! Sex is so much fun when you allow it to be…all these different explorations are part of one big adventure.
The people I feel sorry for are the ones that cannot or will not see it this way. Because they are missing out on something so wonderful and uniquely human.
On 04/30/08 at 7:12 am
Wallace Ritchie said:
D/s is something I have never partaken in. I guess I’ve never met the right person yet. I think that also, I’m not so trusting enough to be submissive in the bedroom. I have gone out with some pretty unstable women in my short time on this earth. Nor could I be dominant because I have a horrible sense of humor. It comes out at the most inopprotune times. The last thing any woman wants is for me to crack a ‘revenge for my ancestors years in slavery’ joke while they are bound and gaged and I’m gripping a riding crop! I could totally do it with a straight face too(I’m the master at that). Or worse yet I’ll use the “I wanna play a game…” line from the Saw series. Plus I like normal people sex. You wicker purse owning freaks scare me(Seriuosly where did you and Karri buy those wicker purses from, I’m just curious)! All jokes aside I really haven’t met a girl who was into that or at least thought to involve me in the shenanigans. But I’m still young so who knows. My safe word of choice would be ’serenity’ btw(and yes you can say it with a ball gag in your mouth). So go ahead and tell one mishap story. I’m imaging all the ways D/s can go wrong.
On 04/30/08 at 7:16 am
Wallace Ritchie said:
And by sick sense of humor I meant to say I was the kid laughing when Bambi’s mom got blammed. I know, I was horrible. I’ll just go back to the corner I was sent to after we came home from the theatre that day.
On 04/30/08 at 7:24 am
Karri said:
WOW! Somebody’s in rare form this morning and I likey! Tie me up? Gag me? Juuuuuust kiddin’. And about our wicker purses, do you find it odd that neither one of us knew of the others purse? Both of which were give to us by our Mom’s and we use them as our beach bags. Welcome to random moments at Eve-101. You can’t buy that shit. Or script it!
On 04/30/08 at 7:30 am
Wallace Ritchie said:
Beach bags huh?
On 04/30/08 at 7:59 am
Trista said:
What? They hold a lot of…stuff.
On 04/30/08 at 7:50 am
Trista said:
You just made my mind go to role play…so apparently I am even more twisted than you are! Ha!
On 04/30/08 at 8:03 am
Karri said:
Mishap…Yurts aren’t always as sturdy as one might think. Getting tied up to the roof of a teepee sounded like a good idea.
On 04/30/08 at 8:16 am
Kevin said:
Haha! Now THERE’S an image!
On 04/30/08 at 8:47 am
Karri said:
Oh, hi there. Nice to see you back, cuntface. And I mean that in the nicest way possbible of course. I’m just trying to say that I missed you but I’m not good with being vulnerable.
On 04/30/08 at 9:01 am
Kevin said:
Holy what the…???
I only missed yesterday.
On 04/30/08 at 9:04 am
Karri said:
Not feeling the love, love?
On 04/30/08 at 9:12 am
Kevin said:
Not at all. What’s with the lack of respect? I keep telling you… it’s MR. Cuntface, dammit! Get it right, woman… or I’ll…. I’LL…have to tie you up… or somethin’.
On 04/30/08 at 9:21 am
Karri said:
Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about! Besides, I just really wanted to use the “c” word, and Trista and I decided last night that you’d be the lucky recipient. Doesn’t that make you feel all warm and fuzzy?
On 04/30/08 at 11:10 am
Kevin said:
Ahh… warm and fuzzy…. cuntface…. got it.
But no, I don’t. Will clean-shaven suffice?
On 04/30/08 at 11:35 am
Karri said:
“But no, I don’t. Will clean-shaven suffice?” HU?
On 04/30/08 at 12:13 pm
Kevin said:
Lol. Sorry… crossing my analogies. You asked if if made me feel warm and fuzzy. And in reference to my “cuntface”, I said no… more like clean-shaven. Follow?
Anyway… yeah… always SO much funnier after explaining it.
On 04/30/08 at 3:06 pm
Karri said:
Actually, that was funny. Sorry I missed it, but I still chuckled. Well done!
On 05/1/08 at 7:09 pm
Kevin said:
And now I can sleep better knowing there was AT LEAST a smile on your face.
On 04/30/08 at 8:16 am
Trista said:
As far as mishaps go all I got to say is this:
Ball gags, D/s and bondage all together are DANGEROUS. You cannot SAY your safe word, you cannot MOVE so you cannot incorporate a safe gesture, suffice to say that you are left with a “if I blink 5 times fast, stop what you are doing!” type of stop move and that just doesn’t work well in the heat of the moment.
Play safe kids, and remember there can be too much of a good thing…
On 04/30/08 at 8:24 am
Wallace Ritchie said:
The roof of a teepee? I’m having a hard time imaging how one goes about convincing someone that is a good idea.
On 04/30/08 at 8:49 am
Karri said:
Ya…that was a a bit of a problem with the ex-husband and I. Neither one of us would ever say, “mmmm…maybe we shouldn’t.”
On 04/30/08 at 9:06 am
Karri said:
Now c’mon doesn’t this just look like fun and good times?
http://www.rainorsfarm.co.uk/Fully-furnished-Yurt-031.jpg
On 04/30/08 at 9:15 am
Kevin said:
It DOES look fun. So.. what happened? You brought down one of those structures while you were being hoisted up to it’s rafters??? LMAO! DETAILS TIME!!
On 04/30/08 at 3:12 pm
Karri said:
Let’s just say that lattice isn’t conducive with velcro restraints.
On 04/30/08 at 5:46 pm
Spiked Hawaiian Punch said:
Something tells me you still arranged an alternative method LOL.
On 05/1/08 at 7:04 pm
Kevin said:
Haha… sooner or later I’ll get the details of that night. I MUST!!
On 04/30/08 at 7:46 am
Kevin said:
I also have not had the opportunity to be with someone who was into this. I’m not a big fan of pain, dealing it OR receiving it… and certainly not being submissive, myself. So I guess that’s why I’ve never pursued it. There have been times where my partner was put in positions where she was COMPLETELY helpless and under my control… and that is CERTAINLY hot when that happens. But, it just happens. I don’t go into it planning on it to be that way. I suppose even those times where I get a good handful of her hair by the roots and give a good pull… all the while pounding into her from behind… that’s hint of D/s, no? Also, there ARE some bits of leather and latex, cuffs and spanking that turn me on… at least from observing it. Again… just haven’t had the opportunity, I suppose. Who knows? Some day….
On 04/30/08 at 8:04 am
Trista said:
Well, the whole pain bit is separate from the D/s. bit. Then you are traveling into the S/M world. While the two CAN go together nicely, they don’t have to. D/s on it’s own is simply one partner relinquishing control to the other. It is up to you and your partner as to whether you then want to throw in some fantasy / role play, S/M, etc.
Most couples ARE already participating in a light version of D/s without even realizing in that there is usually one partner that controls the action.
On 04/30/08 at 8:14 am
Kevin said:
Yeah… didn’t mean to imply that one equaled the other. I certainly know they don’t. I guess I do tend to associate a lot of submissive stuff with whips, paddles, humiliation-related stuff, etc. Usually because the latter DEPENDS on the former. However, the former does not necessarily require the latter. Still with me? Lol.
I would have ZERO problem doing a little tying up and/or restraining of my LOM*, and conducting NOTHING but pleasurable acts, from head to toe.
(*lady of the moment)
On 04/30/08 at 8:23 am
Trista said:
“I would have ZERO problem doing a little tying up and/or restraining of my LOM*, and conducting NOTHING but pleasurable acts, from head to toe.”
~Now THAT is what I am talking about!
I think I drooled a little.
On 04/30/08 at 8:59 am
Kevin said:
Since your extremities are strapped to the bedposts… lemme wipe that up for ya.
On 04/30/08 at 2:02 pm
Trista said:
You are a good Dom!
On 04/30/08 at 2:08 pm
Carol said:
<—drooled a lot!
On 04/30/08 at 4:38 pm
Trista said:
Watch this Kevin character, he’ll do that to you!
On 05/1/08 at 7:02 pm
Kevin said:
And you wouldn’t have it ANY other way!
On 04/30/08 at 8:02 am
Missygail said:
For me I’d rather be the dominate. I give up so much of myself on a daily basis, being the ‘good’ girl and bending over backwards to help everyone get THEIR way, that in the bedroom I’d rather be the one to dominate. It would be a way to escape my weakish life…
On 04/30/08 at 8:22 am
Trista said:
Thank you…it makes sense that you enjoy the domination role because it is the opposite of your daily life…I enjoy the submissive role for the same reason.
This stuff fascinates me.
On 04/30/08 at 8:26 am
razor said:
…you are so right…communication is the key…precise and succint without melodrama…its as much a stimulation of the mind as it is the body…rutabaga? i would have never thought of you as the rutabaga type…
On 04/30/08 at 8:28 am
Trista said:
I like to have a word that cannot be misheard and that is unforgettable.
Rutabaga fit the bill!
On 04/30/08 at 8:39 am
Sarahh said:
So “Harder” isn’t a good safe word??
Hahahaha…
I have never looked at being dominated as a demeaning thing or something that weak willed women take part in. Personally I have always thought that women who do take part are risky and fun.
The biggest problem I have found with the act is how to describe what is wanted to a gentleman who is new to such things. Without him thinking he needs to be demeaning. Or worry that his fair maiden likes to be demeaned. Is that even a word?
There is a difference, without a DOUBT
On 04/30/08 at 9:04 am
Trista said:
I have experienced the same problem, it can be quite frustrating. I have a nice book collection though, I like leaving one in the bathroom where a man will be most likely to pick it up. Of course it only works if they are allowed in my humble home…
On 04/30/08 at 8:48 am
PJ said:
I’m a pretty open guy, but I’ll stay on the “few whacks on the ass” side of the line and let you have whatever’s on your side. … And all I can think of when I hear the term “safe word” is that scene from the movie Euro Trip.
On 04/30/08 at 10:32 am
Trista said:
yeah, no…that’s why you don’t do this sort of thing with strangers!
On 04/30/08 at 10:02 am
samurai love god said:
I love being submissive, especially when it’s time to do the laundry or cook dinner. I have no problems sitting back and letting a woman take complete control over those things.
On 04/30/08 at 10:33 am
Trista said:
not quite what I had in mind, SLG…but that’s the right attitude at least.
On 04/30/08 at 11:08 am
Ryan said:
Can you switch rolls?
On 04/30/08 at 12:05 pm
Trista said:
yes, but I’d say I prefer this one. Its fun to go the other way though, sometimes. I think its why I like roleplay too… I really like getting into character. But I definitely don’t need all of these bells and whistles all the time either.
On 04/30/08 at 1:19 pm
Chris said:
Yeah, I can do both, but I’ve always preferred to be the sub. Something about being in control of my classroom all the time during the day made me want to let go and let someone else be in control at night.
.
True Story: When I was in Ohio, I went to see Basic Instinct (the first one) at a drive-in with my buddy and his girlfriend. I was in the back seat, sitting behind his GF, white-knuckling the headrest during the first scene, when the guy gets tied up and brutally stabbed with the icepick. After, I turned to my buddy and said, “Dude. I will never be tied, again.” After a brief pause, his GF looked back at me and said, “AGAIN?!” She was so innocent!
On 04/30/08 at 2:00 pm
Trista said:
I think I prefer to be the dominated one for the same reasons. A reversal of roles is nice sometimes.
On 04/30/08 at 4:41 pm
UncleGus said:
I’ve had a few experiences with the whole D/S thing, but it was more of the aforementioned, “Tying up and/or restraining of my LOM*, and conducting NOTHING but pleasurable acts, from head to toe.”
I’ve never been with anyone who wanted to go so far as to have a safe word. I’d be willing to explore it. but I’ve always been a little timid of it, and I’m guessing here, mostly because I’ve never gone there. I’ve wanted to ask my partners about trying different things before, but I guess I’ve really only dated a couple of people who were into more than the normal, missionary with the lights off sex. Not to say that we didn’t have fun, like doing it in places where we could get caught, and on every piece of furniture (or object that could hold at least her weight) in or near the house, but I’ve never felt comfortable asking most of the women I’ve dated if they wanted to “go a little further” sexually.
Like I said, I have tied up a few women, and been tied up myself, but that’s pretty much the extent of it. Having been tied up, I can say, it’s scary and fun at the same time not knowing what’s going to happen next, and not having control over it. Not scary in a bad way, cause I knew I wasn’t going to get hurt (or at least I thought I knew), but scary in the “is she going to tickle me into a frenzy, or is she gonna do that tongue thing she does that drives my insane?”.
Either way, I would explore it if I found someone who was into it in more of the ways that I’ve tried it, but I haven’t found someone that open yet.
Did any of that make sense? I feel like I went on a tangent a bit.
On 04/30/08 at 4:46 pm
Trista said:
It all made perfect sense.
I think many men are cautious to introduce this sort of thing to their LOM’s (this just has to be in the eve vernacular now). I have always been the one to bring it in, but once it was brought up, my GOM (because it can’t be MAN of the moment, now can it…!) was happy to oblige.
So either it is common for men to wait for their ladies to bring this sort of fun up, or I am a super freak. Hmm.
On 04/30/08 at 5:20 pm
UncleGus said:
You’re a very special girl, from your head down to your toenails…
On 04/30/08 at 5:56 pm
Trista said:
Does that mean you wouldn’t take me home to mother?
On 04/30/08 at 6:02 pm
UncleGus said:
You’re all right with me.
On 04/30/08 at 7:18 pm
Karri said:
Thank you, I now have “Super Freak” in my head. Get used to it, it might be there a while.