Across the Racial Divide
September 18, 2008 · Print This Article
Dear Eve,
A few weeks ago while attending a fundraiser I met an incredible man; he’s articulate, successful, handsome and we share many of the same view points and passions. We’ve made plans to have dinner next week, and while I am looking forward to spending more time with him I have one major concern and that is, he’s black and I’m white. My family is very conservative and I’m afraid of the fallout if they were to find out that I was dating Interracially. I really am attracted to this man, but I don’t know what to do.
Eve, should I cancel dinner and forget about him or risk losing my family?
Sincerely,
Anglo in Angst
Dear Ivory,
It’s safe to assume we know who your family will be voting for come November, eh? I suppose equal rights for gays and lesbians are out of the question also, aren’t they? My sincerest condolences, muffin!
Now, as for your dilemma…you’re a big girl, attending fundraisers, hobnobbing with do-gooders and whatnot, so where is this lack of self-assurance coming from? If you can mingle with power players you should most certainly have the skills to finesse your elders. Granted, it’s a sad fact that racism still exists in this day and age, but if you believe its wrong then why on earth would you succumb to archaic belief systems? Are you truly fearful of being ostracized and losing your trust fund? Or, are you fighting the idiocy that has been deeply ingrained in your subconscious?
Listen, Sweat Pea, before you go and pull the trigger on your Daddy’s shotgun, take a deep breath and relax for a moment. Who’s to say that your impending filet mignon and merlot candlelit supper with Mr. Wonderful will proceed any further than dessert? Be patient…take some time to get to know him before alerting your gene pool to head for the bunker. Meanwhile, if you find that you fancy your potential new love interest, drop his name in conversation, talk about him…who he is, what he does, why you like him. Let your rigid minded loved ones learn to like him sans race, color or creed. With any luck, they’ll go color blind and you’ll have worried your pretty little head all for nothing.
I won’t for a moment negate the fact that you have an uphill battle ahead of you if you decide to traverse the Interracial dating trail. However, there is absolutely no reason that you should forgo your own happiness simply because others don’t agree. Bear in mind that you will face challenges that will appall you, but if he’s the one you can’t let a little melanin stand in your way!
KISS-KISS
LOVE-LOVE,
Eve
Have you ventured across the great racial divide? If not, would your family’s beliefs prevent you from doing so? Do you think Anglo in Angst should throw caution to the wind or retreat and not look back?
On 09/18/08 at 6:20 am
Charles Albert Green said:
Ahh the slippery slope that is interracial dating. As a black man and equal opprotunity dater I’ve come across this problem a few times. I was either automatically labeled a thug or completely ignored. The latter being the worst offenses. It’s really vexing to say hello to someone every day for a month and get blown off ecery time. But I did learn that white, mexican or asian; people hate their daughters dating at least this black man.
On 09/18/08 at 6:30 am
Karri said:
I’m an equal opportunity dater too, and I was shocked to be the recipient of blatant racism…from strangers no less! I truly thought we’d moved past this era.
As someone who has experienced the negativity from a gals parents what do you think our lovely lady up above should do?
On 09/18/08 at 8:03 am
Charles Albert Green said:
I’d say date the guy anyway. I get it that women want to make their parents proud. But you have to do what makes you happy. Especially if your parents are intolerant pieces of crap.
On 09/18/08 at 8:29 am
Karri said:
Ignorance = intolerance.
Let’s keep our fingers crossed that she can get her parentals to see the light!
On 09/18/08 at 6:28 am
Trista said:
I’m sorry…did you really say “if he’s the one…” up there?? Who are you?! =P
On 09/18/08 at 6:31 am
Karri said:
HA!!!
At least I didn’t say “soul mate”…although I wanted to.
On 09/18/08 at 6:29 am
Lanier said:
I once thought about dating a black man. I mean he was very sweet, dressed nice, and was very good looking. I dont know why, but I do not find a lot of black men attractive. SORRY GUYS. But my family is a little racist, and it bugs me. I mean I’ve never been around them alot. But I give anyone a chance. Especially if I like him. I would give him a chance. My family no matter what will be my family. They can’t change that… well maybe they can, since Im adopted…
You love the heart of the man, not what color he is.
On 09/18/08 at 6:34 am
Karri said:
You thought about dating a black man, but did you ultimately not do so because of his race and your family?
On 09/18/08 at 6:38 am
Lanier said:
No, the day after he asked me out, I seen him w/ another chick snuggled up to her and kissing her… And after he seen me, he came up to me saying he was sorry that she said yes last night… I was going to tell him that we should start things slowly. But oh well…
On 09/18/08 at 6:59 am
Karri said:
“Oh well” is right.
Next!
On 09/18/08 at 6:29 am
pecosa said:
I don’t think you should forego the dinner simply because of your family. You never know if this will evn go anywhere and why would you keep yourself from your own happiness because your family has a problem with people’s skin color?
I live in South Texas where most of the population is Hispanic. My friend met a black man and she quickly fell for him. She was pertrified at what her mother would say and her family not talking to her anymore. Well, her mother dropped in on her once while he was visiting and while she was initially shocked, it was apparent all she wanted was her daughter to be happy and respected. I’m happy to report all is well. I’m hoping the same will be true for you.
On 09/18/08 at 6:43 am
Karri said:
Good story, Pecosa!
I was SO afraid to tell my Gram my new last name (the first marriage). She used to call her neighbors “the damn Mexicans” and I was certain that Cornejo would send her straight to the crazy ward, but she never said a word.
I think it’s easy for people to get stuck in narrow-minded thought processes unless they’re forced to see both sides. This could be the perfect opportunity for Ms. Angst to change the way at least a few people view the world!
On 09/18/08 at 7:44 am
Fiona said:
My Aunt brought home a Chinese-American fella…. my Granny looked him up and down and said straight “No Chinees Maria” and dismissed him. 2 weeks later she loved the man.
On 09/18/08 at 8:01 am
Karri said:
Gotta’ love those Grannies! Here’s hoping some things aren’t inherited.
On 09/18/08 at 6:17 pm
Matty said:
Sounds exactly like mine. Other than that, I’m not sure I’m qualified to comment on this since this clearly is not a smartass topic.
I will say to the lady, go for it.
On 09/18/08 at 6:34 am
Missygail said:
I’ve dated a black man before, and I told him right up front he wouldn’t meet my family. He called me racist, but I informed him it was not because his color, it was because a)I rarely take guys around my family. and b) he was a DJ in a Bar. White, black purple or green, don’t really want to take the Bar DJ home to mom and dad.
Besides the ones that get to come meet my family are the ones that I have a connection to…
I would date interracial again, if given the opportunity, but he’s not going to meet the family unless there’s something special between us.
I did have a grandfather that probably would’ve disowned me if I’d brought a black man around the family, but he’s passed away. I didn’t agree with his view point, but I still loved my grandfather.
I think my family would be accepting, though if it worked out for the long run, we’d have to think about a mixed family being that my children are white, though I have seen this type of mixed family before.
I will say that my ex-husband would so be pissed, but he can bite a big fat one.
On 09/18/08 at 8:04 am
Karri said:
“Besides the ones that get to come meet my family are the ones that I have a connection to… ”
Excellent point. There comes a time when we no longer need to subject our family to every Tom, Dick and Harry. Only the keepers should get the privilege of being introduced.
On 09/18/08 at 9:26 pm
Missygail said:
Yes. I may mention that I’m dating someone, so they don’t think I’m screwing every tom, dick, and harry on my weekends away from children, but they don’t have to meet each one.
In my five years since divorce they’ve only met 2 men in my life and the first was fluke.
On 09/18/08 at 6:37 am
Trista said:
To me, it doesn’t sound like this girl comes from a redneck, shotgun rack in the Chevy pick up kind of family. It sounds like upper crust, uber conservative to me. So while there may be some serious discomfort, it is more likely to be “Oh no Buffy, what will the people at the club think??” more than anything else. I don’t want to stereotype too much here, because that makes puts me on the level with them, but seriously, I think she is making a mountain out of a molehill.
Go on the date…mummy and daddy will get over it, or at least they will chose to turn there backs away from it and towards their martinis.
On 09/18/08 at 8:11 am
Karri said:
If she’s lucky Mumsy will be too drunk and Daddy too busy with the secretary to notice.
On 09/18/08 at 7:25 am
DaMaGe said:
Damn blacks are nothin’ but two-bit tricksters! Down right swindlers!
Actually, I’m as black at midnight…
I’ve dealt w/ this sort of thing since High School, but I usually came out on top somehow. Some parents try to impose their threatening presence on you, but I always knew it was for show. I’ve never had a problem w/ parents or brothers. I’m lucky, I guess.
To piggy back the other black guys comment, Asians have an impenetrable force field around them. They don’t usually take well to black guys in my experience. 1st generation usually. Mexican brothers play the tough role because they have the “machismo” thing happening. Whites are a mixed bag. Very easy to soften up if you don’t sound like Lil John.
Good luck in your black man adventures!
dg
On 09/18/08 at 8:15 am
Karri said:
DG, you just scared the crap out of me…HA!
You most certainly sound as if you’ve had your fair share of experiences and it makes me happy to know that you’ve come out on top. I hope this gives our gal some hope…and the balls to do what she wants!
Thanks for the input!
On 09/18/08 at 7:41 am
Fiona said:
You know that Douche I married? Yeah, he was “black” … well, mixed really. My family had to adjust to him AND my brother’s brown wife. They didn’t like it at first, but once they realised that we were in love (stupidly) they accepted our spouses and moved on.
If your family are really that bigoted do you really want them in your life to begin with?
Maybe I’m harsh, but any family member that refuses to see your happiness because of someone’s colour, class, creed or religion, does not have YOUR best interested at heart. Lose the poison.
On 09/18/08 at 8:21 am
Karri said:
It sounds to me as if our Anglo in Angst is just that. Her parents have obviously ingrained their ideals of acceptable behavior so deeply in her that she truly fears their reaction.
That being said, I totally agree and we all need to discard the poison from our lives…family or not.
On 09/18/08 at 8:07 am
Cassie said:
I always feel I’m being negative when I come here, but here it is….
I have yet to find a black man that held my fancy long enough to worry about interracial dating. WOULD I date a black guy? Probably not, to be honest, mainly because EVERY day would be a fight and frankly I don’t think it would be worth it. I’m a little bit selfish like that!!!I mean, my family would probably NOT be the only family that had a problem with it. Every white girl that I know that has dated/married/loved a black guy had to deal with anger and hurt from the boyfriend/husband/lover’s side of the family too and I really just do not have it in me to put up with that all day, every day!!!
On 09/18/08 at 8:23 am
Karri said:
Oh pahleeze, woman! Eve is all about sharing different thoughts and opinions. We don’t discriminate or judge around these parts, but rather grow and learn from others. Got it?!
On 09/18/08 at 9:55 am
Cassie said:
I got it..lol
AND I’m feeling kinda feisty today, so now you got them!!! hahahaha
On 09/18/08 at 10:41 am
Karri said:
Oh, and feisty, we like feisty too!
On 09/18/08 at 9:34 am
lisaq said:
Wow. Who knew this was still such an issue? Come one people it’s about the person and how you interact together, feel about each other, and connect with one another. I have dated 2 black men lately. One was an ass, the other a wonderfully sweet man. Could just have easily been 2 white men or 2 purple men. It’s about the MAN…not his color.
And if your family is that closed minded? Well then maybe you should consider adopting a new one…
On 09/18/08 at 10:31 am
Karri said:
Lisa, I have a question for you…as to not send our girl out into the cold harsh world without a good warning…did you happen to be the recipient of racism while dating either of those men? If so, how did you handle it?
On 09/18/08 at 11:35 am
lisaq said:
No. Perhaps I was lucky. A few strange looks; wondering glances and that was about the extent of it. Perhaps though if either had developed into something more, say a real relationship, things would have been different but neither worked out that way (though one had serious potential had he not been moving out of state). My family never said a word. Both daughters were absolutely fine with it although Kira said that though she didn’t disapprove, it wasn’t something she could see herself doing. My parents were also okay with it. Then again, my family frickin’ rocks!
On 09/18/08 at 5:26 pm
Karri said:
You are indeed one fortunate lady!
On 09/18/08 at 9:37 am
Sarahh said:
At the time of my youth I was scared to date anyone who was outside of my race. Not that anyone asked, but I had friends who dated men who weren’t Caucasian, and they suffered for it. Plain and simple. I was low on the totum pole of self esteem and I never wanted that kind of heat.
Today, I would do whatever the hell I wanted, because that is how I do things…
Nature vs. Nurture at its finest. Once I escaped the small mindedness of the small town (of which I am back in) it made me realize that doesn’t matter.
Find the person that is right for you. What ever race they may be. Then go for it!
Dating is hard enough as it is!
On 09/18/08 at 10:33 am
Karri said:
“Once I escaped the small mindedness of the small town…”
It’s amazing what happens when you get out of the bubble, isn’t it?!
On 09/18/08 at 11:00 am
Sarahh said:
I am even further impressed that “mindedness” is a word.
On 09/18/08 at 11:24 am
Karri said:
Apparently Mozilla likes the way you think.
And so do I!
On 09/18/08 at 9:49 am
Cassie said:
OK–AND I need to say here, my family is THE most important thing to me…EVER and their opinions DO mean something to me. Would they be the ones making the decision? NO, but their thoughts would be weighed. WHY, some might ask? BECAUSE they will be there long after any man I may be dating could possibly be around!!!!!!!! So ‘finding a new’ family is not an option, whilst finding a new boyfriend/lover is a viable option.
On 09/18/08 at 10:02 am
Carol said:
Cassie, I hear you on this one. But, I think what is not being heard as clearly is that you just really haven’t been that attracted to any one of a diffrent race that YOU wanted to pursue.
What we want for ourselves, however we end up defining our desires….that is personal. And, ultimately, no one changes that for me.
To play devils advocate, I know women who date black men, on occasion, to simply say they dated a black man. WHat the hell is THAT about? I don’t need to prove my open mind or open heart to anyone. And, if part of that means I just haven’t been attracted to a black man, so be it.
If Lenny Kravitz showed up in my life for dinner..I would go. I wouldn’t give a shit what anyone thought. But, I don’t find him appealing because his mother was black…I find him appealing for other reasons. I think the same holds true for ANYONE I would be attracted to.
For that matter, I have dated plenty of white men my parents wouldn’t like either. It’s not about color. It’s about choosing what is right for ourselves.
On 09/18/08 at 11:57 am
WickedCourtni said:
I absolutely disagree with this statement Cass.
I see your reasoning behind it, however our families need to understand that we are individuals who grow to make our own decisions.
To take race out, what if I were a lesbian?(shutupimbeingserious) If I brought a woman home and my family was outraged… should I stop being a lesbian just because they didnt agree with my choice in my sexual preference?
On 09/18/08 at 12:36 pm
Cassie said:
Courtni….THAT is soooooo NOT the point I was trying to make.
No, I do not think that ANYONE should ‘choose’ WHO THEY LOVE or date or whatever by what their families would think. I am not saying ANYTHING about what YOU should do. How you handle things is YOUR business!!!!!!
I was saying….FOR ME….that is how it is!!!!! PERIOD or on terms maybe more to your liking…FIN LMAO
On 09/18/08 at 12:45 pm
WickedCourtni said:
You dont have to get all pmsy about it.
On 09/18/08 at 12:48 pm
Cassie said:
Your right I don’t, but I did, so deal with it!!!
On 09/18/08 at 12:53 pm
WickedCourtni said:
*cough*bitch*cough*
On 09/18/08 at 1:19 pm
Cassie said:
*cough*AND?*cough*
On 09/18/08 at 1:37 pm
WickedCourtni said:
heh. nuffin.
On 09/18/08 at 10:01 am
kiki said:
Good grief. I can’t believe (or maybe I don’t want to believe) racism is still such an issue in todays overly politically correct world! It’s the person INSIDE the skin that we fall in love with, not the colour of the skin itself. If someone has a problem with another’s race or heritage then that person is just plain, good ole fashioned WRONG. Skin colour is not an indicator of a person’s worth as a human being. It is sad to me that this is not how everyone else on the planet feels. If you’re a good, kind and loving human being I’ll happily treasure your heart, whether that heart is wrapped in black, white, yellow or polka dot.
I’m very lucky, my family might do many things that piss me off, but basing acceptance on a person’s skin colour does not and will not happen.
On 09/18/08 at 10:38 am
Karri said:
Kiki, I was just as shocked as you the first time I dated a black man. I was honestly flabbergasted by the audacity of people who would blatantly stare as if we were circus performers. WTF?! Seriously?
On 09/18/08 at 11:03 am
kiki said:
I’ve dated an Indian guy and had the same issues. People would stare. My response was to go a bit ott with PDAs! If they want to see a show I’ll give em one!!! He was a lovely guy. His family wanted to do an arranged marriage, they’d picked out his future bride from Bangladesh when he was just 10 and she was 6!!!! He refused to go ahead with it and his family cut him off. So he put himself through school and built up his own very successful life. Which included dating outside his race. I got to see “reverse” racism for the first time ever with him. His family and some of his friends disapproved of me. I cared, but didn’t allow it to change my attitude which is basically love and let love.
On 09/18/08 at 11:18 am
Karri said:
You are woman after my own heart! I applaud you for staying true to yourself and not letting anyone or their opinions stand in your way. Way to go girl!!
p.s.
He deserves an ovation too!
On 09/18/08 at 11:27 am
kiki said:
I should look him up. He’d make beautiful babies
And thanks for the applause. Our human right to love and be loved is in my humble opinion non negotiable and uncompromising.
On 09/18/08 at 11:37 am
Karri said:
DO IT!
This gives you the perfect excuse. Besides, my eggs are shriveling up and I need someone around here to get knocked up so I can live vicariously through them!
On 09/18/08 at 11:42 am
kiki said:
LOL I’d love to oblige. Unfortunately there’s this thing called Real Life that keeps getting in the way. You know, bills, debt, stress, school, etc etc ad infinitum …
I’d love to spend my days raising my own ickle bubbas instead of someone elses. That’s another blog though.
On 09/18/08 at 5:28 pm
Karri said:
Girl! There will always be why not’s and excuses. Life’s too short and you’ll never know unless you reach out.
*ahem!*
On 09/18/08 at 10:13 am
Paul said:
Keep the date, he’s worth taking the heat from your parents, isn’t he?? wouldn’t you feel worse if u cancelled and then wondering if he was ‘the one’?
On 09/18/08 at 10:45 am
Karri said:
Eve agrees, Paul!
We’d hate to see her spending precious years questioning a dinner date…that’s just silly.
On 09/18/08 at 10:28 am
cjbos81 said:
Can’t we all just get along?
On 09/18/08 at 10:35 am
Karri said:
I think this would be a fine time for us all to hold hands and sing Kumbaya!
On 09/18/08 at 11:03 am
Sarahh said:
Calls Matthew McConaughey to cover Bongo’s.
On 09/18/08 at 11:19 am
Karri said:
He’s bi you know?
Sorry. I’ve been wanting to spill that tasty tid-bit for months!
On 09/18/08 at 12:37 pm
Cassie said:
ummmmm, DUH!!! ahahaahahahahahaha
On 09/18/08 at 2:01 pm
Sarah said:
Wha?? NOoooooooooo…. And he doesn’t wear deodorant. I could get past him being bi. But stinky. No.
On 09/18/08 at 5:11 pm
Karri said:
I swear I didn’t pose as Sarah and leave that comment!
On 09/18/08 at 5:20 pm
Meghan said:
I loved the day I heard that tid bit…let me know if you want to hear one Tom Cruise tell from the sister in law of the Hollywood Horses mouth…
On 09/18/08 at 5:30 pm
Karri said:
Hi there, Birthday Girl!!!
You know what I’d like for your Birthday?? For you not to ruin my TC fantasy! Don’t judge me, it started in the Top Gun era and I can’t shake it.
I hope your day was Oh-So-Fabulous!!!
On 09/18/08 at 5:36 pm
Meghan said:
THANKS! It was great…partied it out last night till 4:30 am. Yeesh.
My lips are sealed. la la la la la…
On 09/18/08 at 10:46 am
DaMaGe said:
I’m glad I was to scare you, my dear.
Mission accomplished!
I always love this topic. I feel like a gossiping school girl! Yay! Okay, that was gay… I’m back.
For the women saying drop your fam, that’s harsh. You’ve only known them, uh… all your life. It’s something that people in this situation has known about all their lives so they didn’t just engaged in a conversation yesterday and discovered, “Oh, you only want me to date white guys?”
I’m gonna let you white ladies in on a lil secret saying that every black person has burnt into their brain. “If she can’t use your comb, don’t bring her home!” If you tell anyone I told you, I’ll deny it! We all get a little flack for going outside, it’s all in how you deal w/ it. I deal with it by telling my sister to, shut the hell up and mind her business! I mean that in the most loving way possible though.
Guys don’t get it as bad as women though. I think if you are more open about it, joke about it and act unapologetic about being with a darkie around your family they’ll realize that they can’t change you and the acceptance begins… It’s not acoholism, dating won’t kill you.
No OJ jokes!
dg
On 09/18/08 at 11:34 am
Karri said:
Oh my gosh, where have you been? Nevermind, I don’t care, I just hope you stick around!
I need to address an issue with you though…“If she can’t use your comb, don’t bring her home!” Really? Okay, I totally laughed, but…WOW!
If OJ gets locked up this time…I’m throwing a party!