Airing out your dirty laundry
March 4, 2008 · Print This Article
Welcome to “He said, She said,” where we take a common question or topic and see if members of the opposite sex can get on the same page, or if they’ll have to agree to disagree. Today’s topic:
When it comes to relationships, when does disclosure turn into overexposure?
He said:
When you get into a new relationship one of the topics that arises is the sexual histories of you and your partner. Some people think that you need to share everything when starting a new relationship, but I believe that nothing good comes from talking about one’s sexual past with a new girlfriend.
Personally there are only a few things I want to know from my new girlfriend:
- That my penis won’t drop into the toilet after having sex with her
- What she likes in bed
- What she doesn’t like in bed.
That is pretty much it. I don’t need to know anything past that, because any further information is automatically too much. While I like to learn that you prefer doggie style I don’t need to know that you developed your taste for it when Brett Michaels had you on all fours on his kitchenette table in his tour bus. (Actually if it was Brett Michaels it would be more like a beat up van with a bumper sticker that says, “If this van is rockin’ don’t come a knockin’.”) I also don’t need to hear the reason you don’t like anal sex is because you got drunk at a party one time and Billy slipped it into the wrong hole making it impossible for you to shit right for an entire week.
While I understand that honesty and openness is important in a relationship, talking about sexual details never leads to good results. Nothing good comes from sharing too much information, while the knowledge of what you like is important the back-story of it usually is rooted in details that people don’t want or need to know. I think it in general makes everyone uncomfortable and causes people to grill you about the past; the thing is a relationship can’t grow if someone is living in the past.
So next time you think that you need to tell me that you want me to shove a finger in your ass while going down on you because it reminds you of the time you were double teamed in college take a deep breath and just give me the request not the entire story.
She Said:
Before I say anything, I would like to apologize for the horrific crassness of my male counterpart. He causes my ovaries to shrivel in fear of his reproductive possibilities. Okay, I feel better now! On with the post…
When I sign up to share my life with another person, it is my goal to live in the present, plan for the future, and be cognizant of our individual pasts. Keeping all of this in balance is a challenge, but I do believe it to be vital, for all three elements play key roles in the person we are, as well as the person that stands before us.
Loving and respecting another means accepting them for where they are and who they are today, which has a lot to do with their past. But in order to recognize someone’s past, do we have to hear about it? I believe the answer is yes, at least to a certain extent. No, all the dirty little details are not necessary, but a brief overview should be given. For instance, telling your partner that his uncle Baxter creeps you out a little bit and you would prefer not to be alone with him = good share. Telling them that it’s because he reminds you of the lawn gnome that tried to attack you during your years as a Freebaser = bad share.
It’s all about incremental admissions.
Of course, realize that the level of disclosure in a relationship increases as time passes. The more time you put in, the more you are subjected to the game of show and tell. In other words I’ll show you the skeletons in my closet, you show me yours. Because lets be honest, we have all lived through some embarrassing, awkward and uncomfortable experiences. To share them with someone we love provides us with a sense of relief. “You’re afraid of enclosed spaces because you spent two hours curled up with the spare tire under 3 blankets and a piñata whilst smuggling Oxycontin across the border too? Small world!” There is nothing quite like discovering that we are not alone in our complete and utter retardation as human beings.
There is also a lot to be said for the act of confession and forgiveness in a committed relationship. It’s almost a right of passage for the seriously committed. Many a couple has deepened their bond over this ritual. Let me give you an example:
Girl says to boy: “I once got drunk at a frat party and had a threesome with my college roommate and my step brother.”
Boy picks jaw off of floor and says: “Oh my god! I…I…wow. That’s pretty intense. I uhhhh….”
(Awkward silence)
Girl: “Do you…do you think I’m a slut? You do, don’t you?!”
(Much crying and carrying on…)
Boy: “Oh baby, come here. You know I love you…”
(Let the makeup sex commence!)
Awww, did you feel that? That was a couple…getting closer and stuff.
So sharing is caring, within reason. If it is truly your intent to get close to someone, you have to open up with them a bit, exposing your good, bad, ugly and the quite often embarrassing. If you show them your warts, and they love you anyway, you can revel in the knowledge that you have found yourself a keeper.
Our guest blogger Kevin runs the uber popular humor blog, pointlessbanter.net. It’s full of filth and flarn and whatnot, go check it out by clicking here.
Now what say you, gang? When it comes to relationships are you full exposure or zero disclosure? Or is this a case of finding the happy medium?
On 03/4/08 at 3:14 am
Rex said:
My own history = zero disclosure
Her history = full exposure
…right down to her multiple PINs.
Seriously though, I don’t know. It’s my last hang-up. It doesn’t appear I’ll be putting any notches on my bedpost anytime soon, so where I’m at experience-wise is probably where I’ll stay. I figured if I grow at a comparable level, then it’d be OK. I wouldn’t feel so out of place and hypersensitive about it. Alas, no new developments.
Even if I found the most amazing chica, I simply have to accept that possibly she, and most folks my age, have had 10 partners on average.
…god, I wanna spray Lysol on my brain now…
On 03/4/08 at 7:14 am
Trista said:
I think somewhere in the middle there IS a happy medium, no matter how different your paths have been.
Details aren’t necessary, but a person wants to know that their partner is accepting of where they have been in life and is going to love them despite of, or even better, because of where they came from.
Bear in mind I am not just talking about sex here, people. Kevin is. but I’m not. I am talking about all the embarrassing little occurrences you have been through and lived to tell about.
On 03/4/08 at 7:20 am
kevin said:
Yeah make me look like the pervert… I want a redo on the question there.
On 03/4/08 at 7:23 am
Trista said:
hahahahaha!
No redo!
On 03/4/08 at 1:14 pm
Rex said:
Little occurrences? Well I did shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die. hm. I don’t see anything else being as embarrassing and/or regretful than doing something “in the moment” sexually that’s not necessarily your M.O.
EXCEPT if you voted for Bush (twice). Or y’know… being a war criminal. That’s pretty damn embarrassing.
On 03/4/08 at 1:24 pm
admin said:
I stopped talking to a girl I was hanging out with when I found out she voted for him twice. It was unforgivable.
On 03/4/08 at 4:38 am
lisaq said:
Personally, I believe in the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy. Otherwise, you are judging based on a person’s past rather than who they are today. First of all, I’m 40something and dating. You do the math.
Secondly, people change. People make mistakes. People react to loveless childhoods or a feeling of being unimportant by looking for just a moment in time when they feel important and loved.
Bottom line, I may have made mistakes but without them I wouldn’t be who I am today. I’ve learned from them and I’ve gained character. And, quite frankly, they’re no one’s business. There is no reason to drag them out of the past and put them out there for the world to see. None. No good can come out of it.
I mean think about it. Suppose your partner asks you for a sexual partner disclosure and you disclose. If you’ve had issues in the past, the last thing you want is to disclose and try to explain. Because really, isn’t that what you would feel the urge to do?
So, you disclose. Your partners eyes get big though he quickly recovers. You’ve seen it…that look that said “Oh my God!”
And maybe, just maybe, he’ll say it doesn’t matter anyway, but doesn’t it? If it truly didn’t matter, he would never have asked. Next the thing you know, you’re being judged for what you did rather than who you are. Nobody, and I mean nobody, deserves for that to happen.
As long as your partner is STD free and you are happy in your relationship now, today, the past should stay in the past where it belongs.
Just my two cents!
On 03/4/08 at 7:17 am
Trista said:
You make very good points, Lisa. Does your opinion just apply to sexual history here, or your past in general?
On 03/5/08 at 3:48 am
lisaq said:
i’m talking about sexual history here…most everything is childish stupidity that’s really pretty laughable!
On 03/5/08 at 3:48 am
lisaq said:
opps…fingers aren’t working too well yet this morning…should have been everything else is childish stupidity…sheesh!
On 03/4/08 at 7:02 am
Sarahh said:
Don’t give up all the info. No one wants full disclosure about things that DO NOT effect/affect (I have never learned the difference of those two words)the relationship.
When a man asks how many men you have been with whether it is 4 or 400 say this…
“Honey, now that I am with you I can’t remember any of them”
Leave it at that.
On 03/4/08 at 7:20 am
Trista said:
I agree that giving out an exact number of sexual partners isn’t ever the best idea, because the only point of that is a competitive one.
But what if, say, you went through a bisexual phase in college. Do you tell your serious boyfriend? Because he is meeting all your friends from this time…chances are he is going to find out. Don’t you want him to find out from you??
On 03/4/08 at 7:26 am
Sarahh said:
I think that is fine. Asking how many sexual partners someone has is a loaded question in my opinion. There is no good answer.
If a bisexual phase was tinkered with in college, sure why not? Especially if he is meeting those people. You don’t want him caught off guard.
I say don’t give up anything that DOESN’T effect the relationship.
It is excess and may backfire. So why even bring it up?
On 03/4/08 at 7:36 am
admin said:
Yeah what she said.
On 03/4/08 at 7:38 am
Trista said:
Sharing for shock value is not cool, and bragging to your partner isn’t either. But if something is a big part of who you are or was a big part of your past with a possibility of coming up in the present…it’s share time.
Thanks, Sarah. I do think we have met in the middle!
On 03/4/08 at 10:15 am
Sarahh said:
YAY!!!! It has been in my head all day, and until I take it down, forevermore.
On 03/4/08 at 7:05 am
Trista said:
First off, I just came from pointless banter and I think my writing partner and I have somehow experienced the consequences of poor communication. He is talking about sharing your sexual history in a NEW relationship, I am talking about disclosing details of your past in an ESTABLISHED relationship.
Oops.
Don’t judge us, we don’t really like each other so we don’t listen well when the other one is speaking.
Ok, carry on.
On 03/4/08 at 7:10 am
Kevin said:
Slut
On 03/4/08 at 7:11 am
Trista said:
See?
On 03/4/08 at 7:19 am
kevin said:
I said it with a sweet tone.
On 03/4/08 at 7:24 am
Trista said:
You don’t have a sweet tone. You’re from the east coast.
On 03/4/08 at 7:21 am
Jason said:
“That was a couple…getting closer and stuff.”
Haha! I love it! One point is missing though… There is also a sense of accomplishment to be gained by learning another persons innermost secrets, sexual history included. You get the confirmation that they trust you, and at the same time you get dirt on them
I have been on the recieving end of the phrase “You think I’m a slut/whore now, don’t you?” on more than one occasion and my best advice is to learn to not be so judgemental of someone’s past, and above all enjoy it. Usually there is at least some entertainment value in any tale of ones sexcapades 
Just be optimistic and hope your partner has some sense of tact.
On 03/4/08 at 7:27 am
Trista said:
Exactly!
I didn’t want it to get too long with two of us writing up there, but that was something I thought about while writing…you build trust in a relationship when you take turns sharing and accepting.
It just takes humor, trust and security in the knowledge that these stories are of the past, and your relationship is in the present.
Thanks, Jason.
On 03/4/08 at 7:19 am
Cassie said:
I will answer pretty much any question asked of me honestly and openly, but I’m not really into sharing much!
On 03/4/08 at 7:22 am
Trista said:
“I will answer pretty much any question asked of me honestly and openly”
You hit it, Cassie. These are people we are serious about…in love with…(at least in my 1/2). Shouldn’t we be honest and open with them? I mean we don’t need to blabber on and on, but short, concise answers to questions asked of us…what’s wrong with that?
Thank you.
On 03/4/08 at 7:48 am
missbeautyfiend said:
Hmm.. I am too embarassed to give out my “number served”. Geez.. I am not even sure that the number is right. I kept a diary of all the boys (and girls) just in case something happened to me, such as AIDS, pregnancy, etc. I wanted to keep my stalker list nice and organized! To this day, I don’t know my fiancee’s number and he doesn’t know mine. He knows about an orgy that I was involved in, and he was very upset about it. I was drunk one night and he happened to ask me something that lead to talking about orgies. He was really upset and I understand that. We talked about the fact that “it was in the past”, but it still bothers us to find out about past fucks. I think if he ever know how many I was with, he would take this ring off my finger.
On 03/4/08 at 7:55 am
Trista said:
“I think if he ever know how many I was with, he would take this ring off my finger.”
I hope you keep that diary somewhere very top secret then!
On 03/4/08 at 8:10 am
SweetNess! said:
Your past is what has somewhat molded you into the person you are now. I don’t offer the info, but when asked the only thing you can do is be totally honest, if this person really loves you for who you are then they won’t judge you for the things that created that mold.
On 03/4/08 at 8:52 am
Trista said:
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
On 03/4/08 at 8:38 am
E said:
My rules for disclosing one’s “number”…
1. Don’t count the first 7. They are practice.
2. Don’t count anyone after the first seven that you didn’t sleep with more than once.
3. Of those you slept with more than once, don’t count anyone that you never slept with sober, even if you slept with them drunk more than once.
That gives you a nice, easy-to-swallow (pun intended) number.
I’m practically a nun.
Bottom line - everyone makes mistakes or does things that they had a reason for at the time that no longer applies, and not all of those things in our past are someone else’s business or concern, no matter how much we love them.
On 03/4/08 at 8:53 am
Trista said:
“That gives you a nice, easy-to-swallow (pun intended) number.
I’m practically a nun.”
~hahaha…I love it!
On 03/4/08 at 9:09 am
Karri said:
We are where we are, because of where we’ve been. If someone can’t accept us for who we are (or at the very least show a tad bit of empathy for our trials and tribulations) then they aren’t in it for the long haul.
We get what we give, it’s really not that difficult!
On 03/4/08 at 9:13 am
Trista said:
“We get what we give…”
~Exactly! Details are not as important as a general openness in regards to the things that make us…us! And it really does help someone to understand the unique nuances of our personalities, this sharing tidbits of the trials and tribulations we have experienced on our own unique paths.
xx
On 03/4/08 at 9:29 am
Karri said:
Life is messy, isn’t it nice to have someone help us clean it up once in a while?
I REALLY loved this one!
On 03/4/08 at 9:47 am
Kevin said:
Thank you, that Kevin guy was really funny!
On 03/4/08 at 10:20 am
Trista said:
I’m pretty sure she was talking to me, chief.
On 03/4/08 at 11:21 am
kevin said:
“You’re so vain, you probably think this comment is about you.”
I think I heard a song with those lyrics once.
On 03/4/08 at 12:36 pm
Karri said:
Of course I meant her.
Sorry, cave dwellers scare me!
On 03/4/08 at 12:51 pm
Kevin said:
I feel the same way about people that try to code website and wipe them out.
On 03/4/08 at 2:22 pm
Karri said:
I’m glad you took the set-up.
Well done.
On 03/4/08 at 3:06 pm
Trista said:
Play nice, kids.
On 03/4/08 at 10:39 am
imanxman said:
Sharing for some (all) is a neccesity in the process of grieving. When you share the bad stuff it is the way we as humans overcome our bad experiences. The retelling of tragedies decreases their weight each time. The very worst fear we all have is that if we tell some little story with that end the listener discounts it or devalues it. That is what keeps most people from sharing everything. On balance if there isnt trust the relationship is doomed to shallowness if not doomed completely. Share the wild side of fun as well as the dark side of sad, you have everything to gain and so little to lose. Make the leap and trust,if it fails better to know where you stand.
On 03/4/08 at 11:04 am
Trista said:
I agree, bonds are forged in those moments where we share our insecurites and are comforted through the process with our partners. Without that I do think our relationships are shallow and I don’t have any interest in pursuing those types of relationships anymore.
To each their own though…
On 03/4/08 at 11:09 am
Carol said:
Loved this piece…but have no brain to formulate what I am thinking. I’ll come back after my fever breaks.
Bottom line, I think you can “hear” someone’s sincerity when having involved conversations. If you sense they are genuine about knowing YOU and NOT details…sharing the details is a non isssue. If you sense they would only learn stuff to possibly use it against you….DO NOT share. At all times, be true to you and trust yourself.
On 03/4/08 at 3:04 pm
Trista said:
That is a really good point, Carol. The ability to read people is an important skill to cultivate.
And as the wise Kenny Rogers said, “you gotta know when to hold em…”
On 03/4/08 at 3:27 pm
Rex said:
…redneck.
On 03/4/08 at 3:31 pm
Trista said:
Yeeeee haw!
I still miss his chicken…
On 03/4/08 at 3:48 pm
Rex said:
I bet you eat corn dogs barefoot while watching NASCAR on the weekends.
On 03/4/08 at 5:02 pm
Trista said:
In pigtails.
Ok, no NASCAR.
But the rest of it is true.
On 03/4/08 at 5:10 pm
Rex said:
…
Marry me. I don’t care about your body count. Just MARRY ME. haha
On 03/4/08 at 11:42 am
Country Girl said:
I’m for full disclosure in a middle ground kind of way.
Yes, there are some things that really don’t need to be told. Some things that SHOULD NOT be told in the first couple months of knowing someone, but if it’s a very serious relationship, need to come out at some point. If it’s serious (life time serious) they’ll want to know, and there is a “right time” for almost any disclosure, even if it’s still really hard. 
On 03/4/08 at 3:05 pm
Trista said:
Agreed. The longer you are with someone (hopefully) the more your trust has grown and you are able to share exponentially as a result.
Thank you!
On 03/4/08 at 11:51 am
Lori said:
I think as you get to know a person within a relationship the level trust builds with being honest. Sharing your past… to a degree. Some details are just not needed, there are still a thing or two to this day my ex-spouse still doesn’t know from my younger years, and that is a very good thing. I think it’s just a matter of crossing each bridge together as you get to know each other. What may work for one may not for another.
On 03/4/08 at 3:07 pm
Trista said:
There are definitely some things that remain sacred within all of us…I agree. But the deeper my connection grows with someone, the more I want to close the gap.
On 03/4/08 at 2:04 pm
Balancing Good & Evil Daily said:
I am all for disclosure as times goes on. 13 years later, The Hawaiian still doesn’t know all, but quite a lot more than she ever did before.
As for the comments above regarding a college bi-sexual experience, I think it belongs in the category of “Am I still sexually attracted” unless they are going to be meeting your ex.
On 03/4/08 at 3:08 pm
Trista said:
Or if they are going to be meeting people from that time. I have seen many a secret slip out from a well-meaning friend who did not realize they were disclosing a secret.
Oops. Some things are better heard from you…
On 03/4/08 at 5:13 pm
Jinksy said:
Depending on your social circles, you may wish to disclose specific details that you may normally wish to avoid.
I had a friend who upon meeting a new girl I had been dating, decided to tell her about some of my more embarrassing exploits as we enjoyed a few cold beverages. I was red in the face and felt that these were details best either left alone or brought up by me, not my one of my drinking buddies.
As you can’t always control what your friends say or do, even if you ask nicely, I made a point of disclosing as many embarrassing or crass sex stories as I could before a social event would arise where my friend would meet my new flame.
My wife is quite proud of the fact that she was able to stop my friend dead in his tracks, as he tried to embarrass me with our various exploits. And the fact that she was okay with it all, speaks very highly of her character.
On 03/4/08 at 5:36 pm
Trista said:
Exactly. Better they hear it from you in a controlled environment than from your inebriated pals at a 4th of July BBQ or something…
On 03/4/08 at 8:21 pm
Ryan said:
The past sexual history only matters if your partner did it professionally. Porn stars, hookers, web cam girls, all a big no no for me.
On 03/4/08 at 9:06 pm
Trista said:
Yeah, I wouldn’t date a cam-girl either.
But I think I want to know a bit about sexual past from non pros I date too. Curiosity kills this cat…
We shall agree to disagree, my friend.
And apparently we can never date. Although we probably knew this already.
On 03/4/08 at 10:39 pm
Ryan said:
Wait…..what……I don’t think we disagree. But yeah, we probably knew this already!!!
On 03/5/08 at 10:42 am
mai said:
is it wrong that i tell the girl everything about my 500 ex lovers? man i’m a slut!