Brownie Points

Relationships shouldn’t come with score cards but inevitably we either rack up brownie points or suffer the consequences of being kicked to the curb. Let’s be honest, chicks can be psycho and crazy just isn’t cute! (Unless of course your fantasies include a straight jacket and ball gag…but that’s an entirely different subject all together.) So how about we try and minimize the insanity factor, shall we? I’m talking to you, men!

We all know that men and women simply aren’t wired the same…Mars and Venus ring a bell? If you happen to be a card carrying member of the penis club there are a few things you ought to know about the *ahem* fairer sex, if you’d like to keep your relationship balance in the black.

Gentlemen, please do us a favor and keep in mind that we ladies live by a different set of rules that are governed by our hormones. Sorry, it’s not an excuse just a fact. And one that I’m sure you’re already aware of…unless you live in a cave. What you may not know however is how to navigate our fragile environments in such a way that will keep us swooning rather than devising our exit strategies.

Let us help you…it is after all our predisposed genetic tendency. Pay attention guys, because those little things you may be doing that you think are winning her over could very well be causing her to fantasize about smothering you in your sleep.

Here are a few helpful hints to keep your sweetheart confident in the decision that she’s made you her one and only…

Fix her stuff, not her troubles.
Although your gal may be perfectly capable of changing a light bulb or checking the oil in her car, those pesky tasks are not always high on her priority list. Taking the initiative to do those little things lets her know that you’re concerned with her safety and well-being.  Trying to solve her workplace woes on the other hand will more than likely be met with resistance…steer clear of that in which you cannot change!

Control your green eyed monster.
Women want to know that the man in her life finds her attractive and desirable, but that doesn’t mean she wants to break up a bar room brawl. Rather than threatening to kick some dudes ass for checking out your woman, just smile, nod and appreciate the fact that you’re the one she’s going home with…and going down on.

“Good Night, Sugar”
Although silence is often a virtue, women connect through communication. Taking the time to say “Good Night” is a simple and very effective way to ensure that she sleeps peacefully. Two seconds of effort will provide hours of joy…where else can you get a return on your investment like that?

Lost and Found
Don’t lose your lovely…she is after all your most prized possession. A quick wink from across a crowded  room tells her that you’re paying attention and ready to whisk her away at the slightest inkling that Aunt Betsy’s stories are starting to drone on.

Jekyll and Hyde
If you wouldn’t do it in front of her, don’t do it behind her back. Remember, the walls have eyes…and ears. If you misbehave, she will find out. So mind your P’s and Q’s and don’t do anything you wouldn’t want her doing. I really didn’t need to mention this, did I?

Pushing Buttons
Sure it was cute when you pulled our ponytails on the playground, but it’s time to grow up. Incessant teasing is adorable for about the first two minutes, after that we want to punch you right in the smacker! If you must “get a reaction” out of your lovah try inducing a smile/head tilt. You’ll enjoy the rewards much more than a black eye.

“Bitch!”
Name calling in the midst of an argument is disrespectful and never acceptable! If your sweetie has irritated you in ways that only your Mother can, take your frustrations out on her cooter not her eardrums. If you must mutter obscenities in the heat of the moment, do it between the sheets.

Believe it or not, those of us who own vajajas really are simple creatures; although we can make things more complicated than need be. We will over-analyze and interpret your every word and action; again, my apologies. Remember however, that it isn’t all that difficult to keep your lady enthralled and enthusiastic it just takes a wee bit of effort. So run, be free, and be kind to the one who greets your morning breath with a smile.

Oh, and p.s.
“Don’t be a dick!”

Okay girls, these were just a few of the many things men can do to make our hearts go pitter-patter. What are your relationship do’s and don’ts? Guys, do you have a secret weapon when it comes to making the woman in your life pleased to see your face? Or are you struggling to stay afloat in the dating pool?

What a week it was!

It was a historic week for those of us in the the good ‘ol U.S. of A! Millions of American citizens made their way to the polls; subsequently some celebrated the results and others called their physicians for anti-depressants. Meanwhile we here at Eve-101.com kept plugging along. If you are just resurfacing here is the week in review:

Pageantry and Punditry:

Election 2008 was the Mother of all Reality Shows, complete with developed characters for our viewing pleasure.  We had Joe Six Pack, Joe the Plumber, the Maverick, the Hockey Mom, a-nother Joe (Joey B so you’re not confused), Shrillary and the Not-So-Token Black guy.  Seven individuals all picked together to fuel their campaigns and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting desperate.

Git ‘er dun!:

Ahhh, endless hours of mind numbing escapes from reality…otherwise known as the new American pastime which is Reality TV.  Being one that rarely flips channels I had no idea there was such a vast array of options. Seemingly endless guilty pleasures all scripted to make the average, quasi rational person feel as though their life is beyond spectacular in comparison to the train wrecks seeping through the cable box.

Darling, won’t you go and cut your…foreskin?:

Dear Eve,

I am dating a wonderful, wonderful man.  He is successful, romantic and fun.  We get along and share many common interests.  We have a great physical chemistry.  Or we did.  This is the reason I am writing, I am hoping you or your readers might be able to help me with my phobia.  This man and I were intimate for the first time ever about two weeks ago and I discovered that he is uncircumcised.  I have never even seen a penis like his before and honestly I just didn’t know what to do with it.  I know I am acting strange, we haven’t been intimate since then, but I know he can tell I am avoiding it  And next weekend we have an overnight trip planned. Do you have any advice on how to get over this fear?  I can’t help it, I don’t like it and I wish I could ask him to take care of it but I realize we haven’t been together long enough yet.  Also, I know I couldn’t marry him unless he did get it taken care of, should I just break it off now?  Or should I sacrifice for now and hope that I can change him later?  And last of all, do you have any tips for dealing with an uncircumcised penis?

Colon Munchers:

It’s a stinky topic and certainly not one that’s appropriate dinner conversation. Nonetheless, ignorance is not bliss when it pertains to the overabundance of Protozoa, Trematoda, Cestoda and Nematoda living in your guts. Are you aware that 85% of Americans are contaminated with itsy-bitsy, mass-multiplying, burrowing aliens that are making Swiss cheese out of our innards? Sounds delicious, no? Wait! Don’t go…I’m here to help you rid the worms from your bowels.

Rushio and Hesitette: A Cautionary Tale:

When we are young we often have poetic notions of love swirling around our minds, like a Hollywood movie playing on repeat. It is idealistic and impractical, yet we seek it out just the same. But when we enter into a relationship with these idealist notions in mind, we often lose ourselves in an attempt to “become.” We cast aside our own vulnerable identities and try to be what we perceive to be our partners ideal, fearful that who we truly are might be too much…or not enough at all.

Food Porn For Thought:

Preparing and cooking a meal can evoke incredibly passionate feelings.  For some, those feelings are, ‘I love my family.  Nothing makes me happier than when we all sit down to a homemade meal.’  For others it’s closer to, ‘Holy Shit!  You can microwave bacon?!’…the latter usually surfacing around 2 a.m.  Either way or in between our bodies are our temples and some of us hold sacred the act of feeding them their daily bread.

There you have it folks, the Eve-101 week in review.

How was your week? Were you satisfied with the results of the Presidential race? Would you consider getting married at a demolition derby? Do you think it’s reasonable to ask a man to remove his foreskin? Is colon cleansing a fad or a necessary evil? And what’s in your fridge? So many questions so much to discuss. Let the games begin…

Happy Sunday!
Kiss-Kiss
Love-Love,
Eve-101

Colon Munchers

It’s a stinky topic and certainly not one that’s appropriate dinner conversation. Nonetheless, ignorance is not bliss when it pertains to the overabundance of Protozoa, Trematoda, Cestoda and Nematoda living in your guts. Are you aware that 85% of Americans are contaminated with itsy-bitsy, mass-multiplying, burrowing aliens that are making Swiss cheese out of our innards? Sounds delicious, no? Wait! Don’t go…I’m here to help you rid the worms from your bowels.

Like it or not, your body is more than likely hosting any one or more of the 3200 different parasites known to infect humans. If you think invasion of the body snatchers is a normal part of living and breathing consider the fact that a typical roundworm can produce 200,000 eggs…daily. By no means should that be considered normal!

Constipation, bloating, IBS, acne, anemia, sleep disturbances, muscle aches, fatigue and migraines are just a few ailments that may be caused by these nutrient sucking leeches. And don’t for a moment fool yourself; none of us are immune to parasite and worm infestations. Through the foods we eat, the bottoms of our feet, the air we breathe, the water we drink, and sadly, even sex…these creatures are lurking everywhere just waiting to latch on and spread their spawn.

Feeling queasy yet? Imagine a hookworm gnawing its way through your intestinal wall and feeding on your blood. Or a tapeworm with a suction cup on its skull that has the potential to grow up to 35 feet…in your body!  My personal favorites are the parasites that migrate and destroy other parts of our bodies. The circulatory system, lungs, liver and even our grey matter are all defenseless unless we wage war and reclaim what is rightfully ours.

Honestly, I can’t imagine the horror one might experience during the elimination process of these little critters. Personally, I think I’m going to need a barf bag to accompany the commode as I will more than likely become a puking-shitting-parasite-purging machine.

Oh, stop it! We all do it…puke and poop that is.

On with the process…

Detox is never easy, and although you may not experience the same effects you would if you were giving up the pipe, this process may not be all that enjoyable either. Excessive gas, itchy skin, abdominal cramping and foul odors emanating from your pores should be expected. Apparently that’s what happens when the dead parasites build up in the colon and are waiting to be expelled…Yum!

Let the cleansing commence!

Although there are numerous prescription medications available they only treat one bugger at a time and I’d rather wipe out the entire toxic colony in my colon at once.  So I’ve discovered the following two-part extermination process: A 30-day Isagenix cleansing and fat burning program coupled with a concoction of Black Walnut Hull, Wormwood and Cloves.

Being as how I am not pregnant, lactating, frail, or elderly (hush!) there’s no need for me to consult a physician prior to embarking on my experiment. Which is fortunate since this month long expedition isn’t going to be cheap…or easy. But hey, we can’t put a price on a healthy colon now can we?

WOW! That was a bit much…even for me! Anyone else disgusted by this information?  Did you know that sushi and dog smacking causes creepy crawlers? And who’s joining me? Are you willing to rid yourself of larvae or are you happy and content with your internal ecological system?

Git ‘er dun!

Ahhh, endless hours of mind numbing escapes from reality…otherwise known as the new American pastime which is Reality TV.  Being one that rarely flips channels I had no idea there was such a vast array of options. Seemingly endless guilty pleasures all scripted to make the average, quasi rational person feel as though their life is beyond spectacular in comparison to the train wrecks seeping through the cable box.

It was a perfectly delightful easy-breezy Sunday afternoon filled with America’s most talented and beautiful melodramatics. And then it happened…up next: Tom Arnold hosts “My Big Redneck Wedding.” The catchy title was enough to grab my attention and before I knew it I’d spent hours on the sofa mesmerized by shock and awe entertainment.

Country Music Television describes the down home debauchery as “a whole new meaning to for better or for worse. Each episode with its own rustic eccentricities, whether it is a four-legged best man, a romantic beer can canopy, a celebratory shotgun salute or a reception filled with mattress surfing and mud wrestling.”

Let’s be clear on this descriptor, shall we? By “rustic eccentricities and mud wrestling” CMT has politely described the toothless renegades who participated in a hot dog eating contest at Amyie and George’s weddin’ reception. Oh, and mud wrestling is exactly that…mud wrestling (although one couple did opt for Jell-O). The fun didn’t stop there, kids! Lawn mower races, a horse manure shaped cake and turkey nuts were just a few of the whacky sentimental gestures these redneck couples put on display for the unsuspecting viewing audience.

Kelli and Ron for example, love to crash cars, so they got married at the demolition derby. When Amber and John decided to tie the knot, John’s bachelor party headed out to the woods to shoot wild boar for the weddin’ supper. Not to be outdone of course by Amber’s stunning camouflage dress and veil. Watch out Vera Wang those country girls can BeDazzle like nobody’s business.

If you need to pee, the porta-potty is behind the monster truck tires…

To help off set the cost of their honeymoon, Anna and Carl auctioned off their excess farm equipment during the reception. Genius! Even more innovative was the Groomsman who owns a septic tank repair business. He and his thrifty Bride gave 20% off “Poop-ons” as wedding favors. Yee-Haw!

Then there was the teenage couple, Geneva and Kyle who met in pre-school (it’s quite possible their formal education ended shortly thereafter). To their credit these youngsters do possess tremendous decorating skills which were showcased by their choices in reception decor. They chose to cover the walls and tables with homemade quilts, which highlighted the mounted carcasses; the Bridesmaids donned the latest camo fashion sans shoes to support the Brides barefoot and pregnant motif. Martha Stewart would be proud!

As a girl who isn’t too far removed from redneck-ery I didn’t think it was possible to ever be disturbed by substandard acts of civilization but these folks are a force to reckon with. Now, I’m not about to judge how anyone wants to celebrate their big day. If you want to two-step down a straw covered isle and announce your love under a beer can laden archway, have it at. And while producers can script and edit just about scenario, exploiting ignorance is just sad!

So grab a can of Coors Light, a handkerchief to wipe your tears and tune into CMT’s, “My Big Redneck Wedding.” You’ll either laugh or cry…or both.

Okay, y’all…we’ve all witnessed a wedding or two go awry. Which ceremony disasters cause you to shudder? Have you ever been subjected to participating in a hog tying contest or gone bogging while a happy couple says I do? More importantly, how far would you stoop for your beloved? And which reality show mishaps are your favs?

p.s.
GO VOTE!

On the seventh day…

It was a fun-filled week here at Eve-101, chock full of our favorite things..sex, love, relationships, scandals, sluts and more sex.

Rather than make you work on this day of rest we’ve put together a handy Week in Review guide just for you, our loyal readers.

Although the ghosts and goblins may be gone, this party isn’t over. So grab the Tootsie Rolls and Twizzlers, skim, click, read and enjoy Eve-101…

Fetish-tastic:

The fact that there are people out there that get all jolly in their junk watching balloons pop or getting peed on, well, it makes me feel less self conscious about my occasional desire for a firm (ehm) hand.

Falling Off The Pedestal:

Unfortunately, all too often we become so preoccupied with what we perceive to be the deficiencies of others that we negate to take responsibility for our own thoughts and actions.

Theeeeey’rrrrre baaaack!:

I am an 80’s girl.  I grew up dancing around the living room to Cyndi Lauper and Duran Duran records in my legwarmers and acid washed jeans, clinging tight to my rainbow bright doll. Happiness was a warm crimping iron.  I had jellies in 8 different colors. It is a decade that will always have a special place in my heart.

Now Serving: Mommy’s Sloppy Seconds:

Dear Eve,

Last spring my Mom was killed in a car accident.  I came home from college at the end of the semester to help my Step-Dad pack up her things and we spent a lot of time talking about my Mom. One night we decided to open a bottle of her favorite wine to toast her memory, and before I knew it my Step-Dad and I were making love on the living room floor.

Trick-or-tart?:

When exactly did Girls Gone Wild become the official sponsor for Halloween? Because it’s just asinine, and really ladies…it’s beneath us to accept it.

Too Much Information:

In particular, there are three topics of conversation I would kindly ask you keep to yourself.  Not about censorship here, I just don’t want to have to process it while I am in line for an iced coffee.

From our family to yours, may your day of rest be…well, restful. While you’re here, why don’t you take a moment and tell us how we’re doing. Is Eve helping you attain your daily requirement of useful (and sometimes trivial) information? Are we bringing you enough peace, joy and mentally disturbing images? What can we do for YOU? Nudity and bestiality excluded, you sickos!

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