Dirty, Dirty Divorcee’

“I am not judged by the number of times I fail, but by the number of times I succeed: and the number of times I succeed is in direct proportion to the number of times I fail and keep trying.”

Shattered dreams, broken promises, division of assets and custody battles…all the marks of a failed attempt at a sacred union summed up with one word… “Divorced.” Considering that over fifty percent of all marriages don’t last until death do us part I find it ironic that there appears to be such a negative stigma attached to what I perceive as a badge of honor. Perhaps my perception is skewed, but how can anyone negate the strength that one attains from surviving monumental heartbreak?

I’ve lived to tell the tale of my “Starter Marriage” (plus another) relatively unscathed. And anyone who has endured the tumultuous events caused by dissolution knows how daunting the aftermath can be. So why would others take issue with wearing the “D” label proudly?

Just recently I was not only asked, “why do you say that you’re divorced and not single?“   but I was also “commanded to change my status” on a popular social networking site by a fellow Eve staffer.  While I found Ms. Meghan’s request to be quite humorous, she obviously isn’t the only one who has made mention of my D-status lately. While harmless in their inquiries, I was left pondering…do others perceive me as some sort of spinster in waiting? I mean, I don’t even own a cat nevertheless a dozen, so why all the hoopla?

Yes, I am divorced, but like many who’ve traversed a similar path, I am also a strong, courageous woman who made some difficult decisions. Divorcee’s are not defined by a label or check mark. Divorce is not who we are, only what we’ve done…it is merely a blip on our lifelines. As with all life experiences, hopefully we learn from our lessons, never repeat them, and still maintain a glimmer of hope for the future.

So the next time you find yourself wondering why someone acknowledges their divorced status, don‘t judge them, but rather realize what they’ve overcome. Know that perhaps they look at blissful couples and dream that forever isn’t an urban legend but a tangible reality. Congratulate their perseverance. Acknowledge that their heart has scar tissue from withstanding some bumps and bruises. Celebrate new beginnings and the exciting adventures that lie ahead.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not pro-divorce propaganda. But the fact of the matter is, it happens…a lot, and quite often for very good reasons. To ostracize or condemn people for seeking happiness or attempting to rectify a poor decision is…well, it’s just not right. So don’t do it!

I need your help Eve-ers! I want to understand why divorce is such a dirty word. Do you frown upon those who walk down the aisle and straight to divorce court? Or, do you see divorce as a way of life in our grass is greener culture? Which box do you/would you check?

Does he need to come clean?

Dear Eve,

I have an STD and I recently had unprotected sex. I really like the girl and I am afraid if I tell her she’ll never want to see me again. Should I just cut my losses now and never call her again or fess up to my dirty deed?

Signed,
Dirty Dan

Dear Dirty Deed,

First of all, I hope you’ve learned a lesson, and I’m happy to see that your conscience has gotten the better of you. Far too late if you ask me, but better late than never I suppose.

Let’s state the obvious, hmmmm? You clearly have an issue with not only protecting yourself, but protecting those whom you engage in sexual activity with or you wouldn’t be in this predicament. Let me ask you, do you have a death wish? If not, I highly suggest you rethink your ability to act like an adult and start protecting the peen (and the puss) each and every time! If you can’t do that, you need to take a vow of celibacy from the bow-chica-bow-wow until you are mature enough to handle the responsibility. No Glove. No Love!

Secondly, your decision to tell someone about your STD status shouldn’t be contingent on whether you like her or not. Again, it is your responsibility to let the other person be privy of your status so they can make an educated and informed decision. I understand the fear and anxiety of being rejected, however, don’t you wish someone had told you?

Lastly, Mr. Dirty Deed, it is imperative that you immediately notify the innocent young lady that you’ve put in harms way. I’d start the conversation with a sincere apology and offer to not only take her, but pay for her Doctor appointment and testing.  It is highly likely that since she’s been exposed she may unknowingly be a contaminating others.

Man-Up, make the call, and for the love of gawd - wear a condom. Seriously!

KISSKISS,
LOVELOVE,

Eve

Anyone willing to share an STD scare, or worse…? Any condom-free confessions, anyone? Do you think Mr. Dirty Deed should just bide his time and see if the girl he banged becomes symptomatic, or should he find his balls and divulge the errors of his ways?

Brownie Points

Relationships shouldn’t come with score cards but inevitably we either rack up brownie points or suffer the consequences of being kicked to the curb. Let’s be honest, chicks can be psycho and crazy just isn’t cute! (Unless of course your fantasies include a straight jacket and ball gag…but that’s an entirely different subject all together.) So how about we try and minimize the insanity factor, shall we? I’m talking to you, men!

We all know that men and women simply aren’t wired the same…Mars and Venus ring a bell? If you happen to be a card carrying member of the penis club there are a few things you ought to know about the *ahem* fairer sex, if you’d like to keep your relationship balance in the black.

Gentlemen, please do us a favor and keep in mind that we ladies live by a different set of rules that are governed by our hormones. Sorry, it’s not an excuse just a fact. And one that I’m sure you’re already aware of…unless you live in a cave. What you may not know however is how to navigate our fragile environments in such a way that will keep us swooning rather than devising our exit strategies.

Let us help you…it is after all our predisposed genetic tendency. Pay attention guys, because those little things you may be doing that you think are winning her over could very well be causing her to fantasize about smothering you in your sleep.

Here are a few helpful hints to keep your sweetheart confident in the decision that she’s made you her one and only…

Fix her stuff, not her troubles.
Although your gal may be perfectly capable of changing a light bulb or checking the oil in her car, those pesky tasks are not always high on her priority list. Taking the initiative to do those little things lets her know that you’re concerned with her safety and well-being.  Trying to solve her workplace woes on the other hand will more than likely be met with resistance…steer clear of that in which you cannot change!

Control your green eyed monster.
Women want to know that the man in her life finds her attractive and desirable, but that doesn’t mean she wants to break up a bar room brawl. Rather than threatening to kick some dudes ass for checking out your woman, just smile, nod and appreciate the fact that you’re the one she’s going home with…and going down on.

“Good Night, Sugar”
Although silence is often a virtue, women connect through communication. Taking the time to say “Good Night” is a simple and very effective way to ensure that she sleeps peacefully. Two seconds of effort will provide hours of joy…where else can you get a return on your investment like that?

Lost and Found
Don’t lose your lovely…she is after all your most prized possession. A quick wink from across a crowded  room tells her that you’re paying attention and ready to whisk her away at the slightest inkling that Aunt Betsy’s stories are starting to drone on.

Jekyll and Hyde
If you wouldn’t do it in front of her, don’t do it behind her back. Remember, the walls have eyes…and ears. If you misbehave, she will find out. So mind your P’s and Q’s and don’t do anything you wouldn’t want her doing. I really didn’t need to mention this, did I?

Pushing Buttons
Sure it was cute when you pulled our ponytails on the playground, but it’s time to grow up. Incessant teasing is adorable for about the first two minutes, after that we want to punch you right in the smacker! If you must “get a reaction” out of your lovah try inducing a smile/head tilt. You’ll enjoy the rewards much more than a black eye.

“Bitch!”
Name calling in the midst of an argument is disrespectful and never acceptable! If your sweetie has irritated you in ways that only your Mother can, take your frustrations out on her cooter not her eardrums. If you must mutter obscenities in the heat of the moment, do it between the sheets.

Believe it or not, those of us who own vajajas really are simple creatures; although we can make things more complicated than need be. We will over-analyze and interpret your every word and action; again, my apologies. Remember however, that it isn’t all that difficult to keep your lady enthralled and enthusiastic it just takes a wee bit of effort. So run, be free, and be kind to the one who greets your morning breath with a smile.

Oh, and p.s.
“Don’t be a dick!”

Okay girls, these were just a few of the many things men can do to make our hearts go pitter-patter. What are your relationship do’s and don’ts? Guys, do you have a secret weapon when it comes to making the woman in your life pleased to see your face? Or are you struggling to stay afloat in the dating pool?

What a week it was!

It was a historic week for those of us in the the good ‘ol U.S. of A! Millions of American citizens made their way to the polls; subsequently some celebrated the results and others called their physicians for anti-depressants. Meanwhile we here at Eve-101.com kept plugging along. If you are just resurfacing here is the week in review:

Pageantry and Punditry:

Election 2008 was the Mother of all Reality Shows, complete with developed characters for our viewing pleasure.  We had Joe Six Pack, Joe the Plumber, the Maverick, the Hockey Mom, a-nother Joe (Joey B so you’re not confused), Shrillary and the Not-So-Token Black guy.  Seven individuals all picked together to fuel their campaigns and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting desperate.

Git ‘er dun!:

Ahhh, endless hours of mind numbing escapes from reality…otherwise known as the new American pastime which is Reality TV.  Being one that rarely flips channels I had no idea there was such a vast array of options. Seemingly endless guilty pleasures all scripted to make the average, quasi rational person feel as though their life is beyond spectacular in comparison to the train wrecks seeping through the cable box.

Darling, won’t you go and cut your…foreskin?:

Dear Eve,

I am dating a wonderful, wonderful man.  He is successful, romantic and fun.  We get along and share many common interests.  We have a great physical chemistry.  Or we did.  This is the reason I am writing, I am hoping you or your readers might be able to help me with my phobia.  This man and I were intimate for the first time ever about two weeks ago and I discovered that he is uncircumcised.  I have never even seen a penis like his before and honestly I just didn’t know what to do with it.  I know I am acting strange, we haven’t been intimate since then, but I know he can tell I am avoiding it  And next weekend we have an overnight trip planned. Do you have any advice on how to get over this fear?  I can’t help it, I don’t like it and I wish I could ask him to take care of it but I realize we haven’t been together long enough yet.  Also, I know I couldn’t marry him unless he did get it taken care of, should I just break it off now?  Or should I sacrifice for now and hope that I can change him later?  And last of all, do you have any tips for dealing with an uncircumcised penis?

Colon Munchers:

It’s a stinky topic and certainly not one that’s appropriate dinner conversation. Nonetheless, ignorance is not bliss when it pertains to the overabundance of Protozoa, Trematoda, Cestoda and Nematoda living in your guts. Are you aware that 85% of Americans are contaminated with itsy-bitsy, mass-multiplying, burrowing aliens that are making Swiss cheese out of our innards? Sounds delicious, no? Wait! Don’t go…I’m here to help you rid the worms from your bowels.

Rushio and Hesitette: A Cautionary Tale:

When we are young we often have poetic notions of love swirling around our minds, like a Hollywood movie playing on repeat. It is idealistic and impractical, yet we seek it out just the same. But when we enter into a relationship with these idealist notions in mind, we often lose ourselves in an attempt to “become.” We cast aside our own vulnerable identities and try to be what we perceive to be our partners ideal, fearful that who we truly are might be too much…or not enough at all.

Food Porn For Thought:

Preparing and cooking a meal can evoke incredibly passionate feelings.  For some, those feelings are, ‘I love my family.  Nothing makes me happier than when we all sit down to a homemade meal.’  For others it’s closer to, ‘Holy Shit!  You can microwave bacon?!’…the latter usually surfacing around 2 a.m.  Either way or in between our bodies are our temples and some of us hold sacred the act of feeding them their daily bread.

There you have it folks, the Eve-101 week in review.

How was your week? Were you satisfied with the results of the Presidential race? Would you consider getting married at a demolition derby? Do you think it’s reasonable to ask a man to remove his foreskin? Is colon cleansing a fad or a necessary evil? And what’s in your fridge? So many questions so much to discuss. Let the games begin…

Happy Sunday!
Kiss-Kiss
Love-Love,
Eve-101

Colon Munchers

It’s a stinky topic and certainly not one that’s appropriate dinner conversation. Nonetheless, ignorance is not bliss when it pertains to the overabundance of Protozoa, Trematoda, Cestoda and Nematoda living in your guts. Are you aware that 85% of Americans are contaminated with itsy-bitsy, mass-multiplying, burrowing aliens that are making Swiss cheese out of our innards? Sounds delicious, no? Wait! Don’t go…I’m here to help you rid the worms from your bowels.

Like it or not, your body is more than likely hosting any one or more of the 3200 different parasites known to infect humans. If you think invasion of the body snatchers is a normal part of living and breathing consider the fact that a typical roundworm can produce 200,000 eggs…daily. By no means should that be considered normal!

Constipation, bloating, IBS, acne, anemia, sleep disturbances, muscle aches, fatigue and migraines are just a few ailments that may be caused by these nutrient sucking leeches. And don’t for a moment fool yourself; none of us are immune to parasite and worm infestations. Through the foods we eat, the bottoms of our feet, the air we breathe, the water we drink, and sadly, even sex…these creatures are lurking everywhere just waiting to latch on and spread their spawn.

Feeling queasy yet? Imagine a hookworm gnawing its way through your intestinal wall and feeding on your blood. Or a tapeworm with a suction cup on its skull that has the potential to grow up to 35 feet…in your body!  My personal favorites are the parasites that migrate and destroy other parts of our bodies. The circulatory system, lungs, liver and even our grey matter are all defenseless unless we wage war and reclaim what is rightfully ours.

Honestly, I can’t imagine the horror one might experience during the elimination process of these little critters. Personally, I think I’m going to need a barf bag to accompany the commode as I will more than likely become a puking-shitting-parasite-purging machine.

Oh, stop it! We all do it…puke and poop that is.

On with the process…

Detox is never easy, and although you may not experience the same effects you would if you were giving up the pipe, this process may not be all that enjoyable either. Excessive gas, itchy skin, abdominal cramping and foul odors emanating from your pores should be expected. Apparently that’s what happens when the dead parasites build up in the colon and are waiting to be expelled…Yum!

Let the cleansing commence!

Although there are numerous prescription medications available they only treat one bugger at a time and I’d rather wipe out the entire toxic colony in my colon at once.  So I’ve discovered the following two-part extermination process: A 30-day Isagenix cleansing and fat burning program coupled with a concoction of Black Walnut Hull, Wormwood and Cloves.

Being as how I am not pregnant, lactating, frail, or elderly (hush!) there’s no need for me to consult a physician prior to embarking on my experiment. Which is fortunate since this month long expedition isn’t going to be cheap…or easy. But hey, we can’t put a price on a healthy colon now can we?

WOW! That was a bit much…even for me! Anyone else disgusted by this information?  Did you know that sushi and dog smacking causes creepy crawlers? And who’s joining me? Are you willing to rid yourself of larvae or are you happy and content with your internal ecological system?

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