Trick-or-tart?

Tell me dear friends, when exactly Halloween stopped being about the treats…

And started being all about looking like a trick?

Back in my day we didn’t have a whole lot of options, but that was okay. Mom could glue some black triangles of felt to a headband, paint some whiskers on my face, pin a tail on my butt and bam! A happy little kitty skipped off to roam the neighborhood in search of candy.

But the simplistic homemade costumes of yesteryear don’t fly anymore; my boys want to be something scary, high-tech and sophisticated, and alas,  I am not able to create masterpieces for them. I lack the time and more importantly, the Susie homemaker gene. Yes, my complete lack of artistic craftiness sent us out to search the world– and more specifically a building that is vacant 10 months out of the year– for some spooky-ookie costume goodness.

That’s right, we turned to the professionals: the seasonal Halloween store. I was expecting ghouls, monsters, aliens, vampires - in other words, I was expecting some options for a couple of hyper-active little boys. I mean, isn’t that a rather large consumer demographic for this particular festivity? Apparently not. I came to a revelation as I stood there, mouth agape, in the doorway of the inappropriately named “Halloween Town.”

Halloween Town has become Slut City.

When exactly did Girls Gone Wild become the official sponsor for Halloween? Because it’s just asinine, and really ladies…it’s beneath us to accept it.

What I found within the store was 35 assorted hooker suits for every 1 traditional child costume. Elaborate and extensive collections of glorified underwear for women, who otherwise wouldn’t be caught dead out and about without their pants on, any other day of the week. Ohhhhh… but this one night a year, it’s whores galore, kids, whores galore! The women’s’ attire (stripperwear) looked lush and expensive, the ONE row of kids costumes were cheap and infantile.

Two choices folks, dress like a baby or a girl that’s going to make one if she’s not careful

Next year I might just have to bribe one of my craftier friends to help me. We’ll macrame some costumes…do people still macrame? No probably not, but we’ll make the damn things somehow.  Because the retail stores aren’t doing me any favors.

If only my little boys wanted to be pirate wenches for Halloween, things would be so much easier… I already have eye liner and tube tops and I could easily fashion the top of one of my bathing suits into matching eye patches….the costume would practically take care of itself. Of course grandpa may not be so thrilled about taking the salty lil’ sea dogs trick or treating this year…but I digress.

C’mon, costumes are supposed to be for the kids, not the kinks. When did we trade in bags of candy for eye candy? If you want to dress up like a naughty nurse…do what grown-ups do…and do it on a Tuesday! Do it when the sex has gotten a little blah. Do it because you already get paid to be a nurse and there’s a really hot prospect in the critical care ward that you’re trying to cozy up to.  Halloween is suppose to be tootsie rolls and candy corn…not titties hos and hand jobs. Good grief.

But apparently Halloween has become for the sexually repressed what St Patrick’s Day is for lightweight drinkers…amateur night. And the Halloween Town’s of the world are reaping the benefits. Girls are willing to drop 70 bucks a pop for a glittery piece of dental floss, some sequins and a butt ruffle, why wouldn’t the retailers take advantage?

But me, I just don’t understand this one night a year excuse to dress like a street-walking witch in search of a halfhearted broom ride. I’m comfortable dressing like a libidinous librarian any night of the week. I don’t need a stinkin’ CHILDREN’S holiday to tell me when I can and cannot let my inner-slut shine through. Don’t wait for the calendar to tell you when you can be sexually adventurous. Own your inner freak. Own it!

And let the kids have their flipping holiday back.

Thank you.

and Adieu

Happy Halloween, ladies and gents!  What do you think about my rant up there?  Did I go too far, or are you as annoyed by the take over as I am?  What was Halloween like when you were a kid? Do you think kids have it better or worse than we did?  And what are you doing tonight?!

PS: there is a riCOCKulous response to this at pointlessbanter.net Go read, you know, if you have nothing better to do.

Theeeeey’rrrrre baaaack!

I am an 80’s girl.  I grew up dancing around the living room to Cyndi Lauper and Duran Duran records in my legwarmers and acid washed jeans, clinging tight to my rainbow bright doll.  Happiness was a warm crimping iron.  I had jellies in 8 different colors. It is a decade that will always have a special place in my heart.

That said, there might be some things that we could have just left behind.  Questionable music and Aquanet indulgences aside, there were some things I consider to be embarrassing mistakes made in the decade that gave us Madonna and the best of John Hughes. And in my opinion many of these mistakes can be summed up in one word…

Fashion.

Now I do NOT claim to be any kind of fashion expert, I am far from it.  95% of the time I can be found wearing jeans and a tank top.  But really, anyone with two working eyeballs cannot deny the atrocities that were done to us during the decade that also, by the way, brought you this.

Those of you out there that lived through the 80’s know what I am talking about…you no doubt have some Bongo and Z Cavaricci skeletons in your closet, no? Well, in case you have blocked it all out, and shipped it all off to the Goodwill, let present to you a list of items that the fashion industry  and clothing manufacturers should be shot for bringing back.  And yes, back they have come…

The Beret:

The only people that should be rocking berets are military personnel.  I mean, seriously.  Yes, I know, Lohan does it.  The Olsen twins do it.  Nicole Richie does it.  Doesn’t that tell you anything?! Are you going to trust the judgment of these whacked out women?  I swear, I think the aforementioned ladies wear the most ridiculous things they can find to see if they can get the folks at home watching Entertainment Tonight to jump on board.  You are not a fashion hobo, stay off the beret train.

The Tights /Pumps Combo:

They actually spend part of just about every year trying to convince us this one is cool.  But this year it seems worse, and more obnoxious than usual. Why?  Because its 80’s influenced!  This means bright colors, bold patterns and lace.  Lace…really?  Life is not a boudoir photo shoot and you are nowhere near being like a virgin.  Skip this 15 minute fashion do.

Over the Top Animal Print:

Just because you still like to blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ when no one is home to make fun of you does not mean you should dress like something that could pass for its prey.  I mean, a little animal print accessorizing is one thing, but looking like you have draped yourself in a carcass is something else altogether…something altogether WRONG.

Bubble Skirts:

Ladies, these skirts were such a bad idea…why are we allowing them back into our closets?  Unless you are a stick figure they are completely unflattering.  Unflattering as in if you have hips you are going to look like a walking hot air balloon in one of these very bad boys. So unless you want people asking if you can fly them over wine country for a romantic evening getaway, stay away from this fashion rewind.

Extremely Large, Extremely Tacky Plastic Accessories:

Now these are totally awesome…if you are under 8 years old.  Other wise what the hell are you doing?  Please do not shop for accessories in your preschoolers’ birthday party loot bags.  Seriously, people.  If it could double as pinata filler, put it down.  Now.

In case of any of you are reading this thinking, “hmm, I might have some gems in my closet I should go mining for!” let me present to you my finally plea for (your) sanity.  If you are thinking it still seems like a good idea, a way to save money and look chic, well, just stare at the next picture for a moment. Here is a woman who also thought it was a “good” idea…

WRONG!

Don’t do this.  Don’t let your sister, mother, girlfriend, or wife do this.  Because after they see a picture of themselves dressed like this they are going to be filled with shame, which will turn to rage which will turn into a riot of women the likes of which the world has not seen since the bra burning days.

Only I think we will most likely be burning these instead:

What do you think, peeps?  What 80’s fashion items would you NOT like to see at your local clothing retailer?  Are there any items in your closet that you have clung to for years, hoping they will go back into style?  Confess…you’ll feel better.

Fetish-tastic!

Fetishes are a subject of endless fascination for me. The fact that there are people out there that get all jolly in their junk watching balloons pop or getting peed on, well, it makes me feel less self conscious about my occasional desire for a firm (ehm) hand.

Anyhow, there are all kinds of theories as to why people develop certain fetishes. Freud’s theory was somewhat amusing; he believed that sexual fetishes in men are the result of childhood trauma regarding castration anxiety. According to this theory, a boy curious to see his mother’s penis would avert his eyes in horror when he discovered there was no penis to be found. Whatever object the boy’s eyes next fell upon would become the fetishized object. As a sexual adult this very object would need to be present in order for the man to have orgasms. So what Freud, women can’t have fetishes?  Sexist bastard.

More modern theories include the relationship between human orgasms and conditioning, behavioral imprinting and super-stimulus, just to name a few. But that is not what you want to read about, right? You didn’t come to me for a psychology lesson did you?  (Good, because that pretty much concludes my knowledge on the why’s.) You’ve come to me for entertainment, yes? Well… I don’t like to disappoint, so here is a list of five fetishes I am fascinated-with:

Crushing Fetishism

With this fun lil’ fetish, folks become aroused watching inanimate objects, insects, or small animals get crushed beneath body parts. Uh huh, mouse smashing = sexy to these people. The most common body parts used are buttocks or feet. Okay, so first of all, why anyone would find smashing things with feet sexy is beyond me, the only thing I want crushed whilst engaging in sexual acts is my pelvis.  But really, what is it about watching a woman sit on fruit that gets some citizen’s hormones a-raging?  Personally I prefer my lemons cut in a wedge and floating in my vodka tonic…

Turning lemons into lemonade or sour(ing) grapes?  You decide.

Tickling Fetishism

These are people that love tickling so very much that they will take it instead of sex. Are you kidding me?! Now I loathe being tickled. Cannot stand it. If you dare do it, watch out, because as soon as I can breathe again I will come after you, most likely with a blunt object. But even if I didn’t detest it, being grabbed at, wrestled with, pinned down and teased till I am crying out doesn’t… wait. I might be changing my mind on this one…

No…I still hate it.

Is this supposed to be hot?  Because to me it looks like assault.

Used Panties Fetishism

People with this fetish say “mmmmmmmmm!” to used panties. Love to sniff em, play with em, shove them in their mouths, they at times even steal panties from women on the street. Now guys, I realize womens’ undergarments are pretty irresistible at times. But to knock women down on the street, rip off their drawers, and run up the street carrying them in your mouth like a damn dog? I cannot help but believe your mama didn’t raise you right!

Those look expensive, don’t do it, you ass!

Amputee Fetishism

This is the intense desire to have ones partner be an amputee. Sexy, right? Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that if you are an amputee you are unattractive. But to WANT your partner to be missing a limb, to get off on people who are missing limbs because of the fact that they are, or wanting your partner to pretend that they are disabled like that is just, well, a little whacked if you ask me.

Yes, I said whacked, what?

These are big in Japan…I shit you not.

Hair Fetishism

This one is focused around the smell and feel of hair. Enthusiasts like to put the hair in their mouth during sex, get smothered with it, grab it, masturbate with it and come into it. Okay…you can pull my hair, but chew on it? What are you, five? And jacking off with it, into it? That is not conducive to a stylish do, fellas. Well, what do you think…could I pull off dreadlocks?

Yeah, I don’t think so either.

Rawr! That’s just hot right there…right?

I know there are many more odd and interesting fetishes out there, I only had time to talk about a couple of my favorites.  So…anything to add?  What is the freakiest fetish you have ever heard of?  Do you have any of your own that you are brave enough to share?  Or perhaps you have a (ehm) friend who has a fetish?  Let us discuss the wonderful world o fetish in the comments below!

Why women suck

You know what sucks about women? You just can’t argue with them.  You know what sucks about men? They don’t have vaginas.

Yeah I said it… and I meant it… well half of it anyways. I’m actually glad men don’t have vaginas… it’s awkward enough being in a locker room without having to watch a member of the 80 year old racquet-ballers clique haphazardly towel their craggily ball-ginas as their wilted willie flops about with each brush of the scrotulabia; thereby providing a distinctly frightening and grotesquely memorable visual display of Newton’s third law of motion.

Now I understand that visual may have completely disgusted (and/or confused) many of you … my apologies.

But know that the desire you have to wipe your mental palate clean of the distastefulness inherent in the aforementioned mental image, even when paired with your desire to read a sentence in this article that is not an incoherent run-on, in no way exceeds my desire to expound upon the absolute suck-tacity that is a women’s attempt at coherent disagreement.

And with that bit of forthright rambling out of the way, please allow me to present the 3 purely scientific reasons why women are incapable of effective argument:

1. Because they’re women.

This would seem to be a shallow and chauvinistic argument to some… but rest assured that those who disagree are most likely women and -scientifically speaking- illogical. As was just previously stipulated….women are incapable of arguing logically. Now that this fact has twice been stated, there should be no need to argue the merit of this scientific conclusion because the fact itself has been stated… and supported.  Now I know what some of you ladies are thinking; “I am women hear me roar… in numbers too big to ignore etc… and this line of reasoning is absolute bullshit!” Just cool your jets ladies, it’ll all be ok. Do you really want to argue with the sagacity of the very first reason on this list? Really? You do realize that this reason can’t argue back… because it’s not a person. So, cease and desist before you further make a fool of yourself. Your anger at this line of logic is just a mask you wear to hide your confusion. It’s all alright …shhh…the truth can be cruel.

2. Generally speaking, women anger more easily when faced with criticism.

Now ladies if you’re having trouble buying this argument as well… I’d suggest you remember how angry you got while reading the last paragraph. Calm down… take a deep breath … (exhale) don’t let your stomach get tangled up in knots… (Inhale)  let’s stop the bloating before it begins. Just remember its ok, it’s not your fault that you can’t argue…nothing is your fault. You’re perfect just the way you are.  Ok? Ok.

Now most social scientists agree that the reason women are maladapted to handle criticism is in large part due to their inability to logically consider an idea that they, themselves did not voice. Some scientists have theorized that women would be far more receptive to criticism if men could more accurately mimic the tonal qualities of their women folk. This theory is interesting but quite risky in practice. Unfortunately the vast majority of men fail to adequately recreate the speech  of their significant other and end up being assailed with complaints of mockery and may inadvertently forfeit their rights to sexy time for  indefinite periods of time.

This brings me to my last point…

3. Women have no sense of humor.

Women take 91.3 percent of all arguments seriously. They then levy punishments willy nilly until they have been apologized to, forgotten why they were punishing you and perhaps who you are, or otherwise been distracted by shiny trinkets in the surrounding area.  Women will take a phrase here or an opinion there, twist the meaning and take it completely out of context…  then damn you with your words.   Some women will even look for a reason to be offended by… now this is purely hypothetical… let’s say, humorous prevarications in a blog, for example.  And why do they get so offended? Because this reaction has proven to be very effective in the on-going effort to collect shiny trinkets. Anyhow…

What women fail to realize-or choose to disregard- is that, from a male perspective, an argument doesn’t always beget anger. Sometimes it just gives us an opportunity to talk to you about something else other than the way that girl at El Pollo Loco looked at you… or the injustices suffered unto you by way of L’Oreal and Neutrogena,  Some arguments are meant to be purely speculative… others are purely in good fun. Sometimes …an argument is the only effective way to ward off a barrage of trivial bitching. And sometimes it’s the only way to get you to have sex with us. And who doesn’t love make up sex… hypothetically speaking of course.

Sing the praises or throw your verbal stones at our male guest writer down below.  ( I cannot believe I sleep with him…)

Kinda always knew she’d end up your ex-friend with benefits

Dear Eve,

I hooked up with this chick at work a few times, and it was completely a friends with benefits type thing. Now she is calling me 24/7, showing up everywhere she knows I hang out, and telling everyone we’re together. She is like a walking girlfriend trap. What do I do?

Signed, Avoiding the Trap

Dear Avoidance,

You seem to have gotten yourself involved with a perplexing breed of girl; the type who equate sex with love. She cannot help it, she is not evolved. She most likely believes it is her womanly duty to settle down and mate with you. You probably give great pheromone.

But wait…something tells me you are not so innocent yourself.  Were you honest and upfront from the very beginning with this little lass?  Did you tell her this was strictly a casual sex type thing? I bet you didn’t. I am willing to wager that you have you simply been hooking up with the wee miss without explaining the parameters of the affair. You either assumed she was down with stand alone sex because that is what you yourself wanted, or you just didn’t care. Tsk, tsk.

Look, I know it’s difficult to imagine, but some people still believe in that old fashioned relationship stuff. If you weren’t clear on the fact that you were just in this for sexual gratification, she may be thinking she’s going to win you over eventually.  And if you are hanging out with her, going places with her, etc, you are only further complicating the situation.  That’s just rude.

You two just aren’t in it for the same reasons. Therefore, to continue down the road with her at this point would be leading her on or worse, using her at the expense of her feelings.  Besides, it is also going to end up costing you…this is a co-worker! Do you want to set yourself up for chaos and drama in the workplace? I think even Abercrombie or Starbucks or wherever the hell your picking up your condom money is going to frown upon that kind of nonsense.  And most likely she IS going to grow more and more needy and attached as time goes on. The world does not need another rabbit boiler…you need to nip this.

If you are into casual dating and casual sex, more power to you. I am certainly not condemning you for that. But you and I both know that this girl is not. I don’t care how good the sex is, end it and go find yourself an easier going “friend”, one that you EXPLAIN the parameters to pre-sex! Do it now,  before this one burns you in effigy on your front lawn.

Love and Kisses,

Eve

When a friends with benefits scenario is one-sided, who is to blame?  Should he have explained?  Should she have not assumed?  Or is the guilty even shared, socialist style?  Have any of you been in a similar scenario?  How did you handle it?

« Previous Page — Next Page »