Letting the naughty in
October 6, 2008 · Print This Article
The tragedy is when you’ve got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs. ~D.H. Lawrence
I have a girlfriend with a personal situation that absolutely breaks my heart. No, she’s not abused, or sick or anything like that. Her problem is one that I myself have never had to face; she cannot orgasm. Now I hear all of you out there laughing at me for thinking this is a heartbreaking tale, but hear me out. Can you orgasm? You take it for granted, don’t you? Pretend for a moment that you couldn’t. Imagine if you had no idea what that sensation was like. Imagine wanting to experience it, craving it, having to listen to all your friends talk about it, and never getting to understand the power and magnificence of it for yourself. Pretty awful, am I right?
My friend doesn’t have a physical problem. She experiences arousal just fine. Sex does not cause her any pain. She has sexual fantasies as well, (although she is NOT open to talk about them, what am I, a pervert??!). So all of our conversations together have led me to believe that perhaps my friend is suffering from a little something I am dubbing “good girl” syndrome.
Here in the good old US of A we have a bit of a puritanical hang over. Many females are taught to focus on behaving in a respectful and decent manner. To always be demure. They were encouraged to be proper in actions and words. We are brought up to be ladies.
The trouble is some of them took it to the bedroom. They thought that was a place to be quiet and genteel as well. They were there to make love, soft and discreet. Romance novels and the Lifetime channel had given them all these preconceived notions of simply falling into the arms of a lover in a heap of post coital bliss.
But sadly, it does not work that way. Unless you won the sexual partner lottery and found yourself someone whose patience is great and whose sexual prowess is greater, you are in for some problems. Because your sexual power is yours to find and harness, not someone else’s. You need to find your inner “naughty girl”.
You know the naughty girl. The one that loves sex and isn’t afraid to tell you about it? She has no shame, and why should she? She is proud of who she is. These women embrace their sexuality and they have no interest in hiding away something that they take delight in. They are brave enough to not only voice their desires, but also to act upon it. They understand that having a sexual appetite is NORMAL and HEALTHY.
So why does the world so often seem to frown upon these women? I believe it has a lot to do with misconceptions and preconceived notions. But like most stereotypes, the following fall far short of accurate. No, these women are not prostitutes or sluts. They are not home-wreckers. They are not alcoholics or drug addicts. They are not women with low self-esteem who have trouble forming the word no. Those are all descriptions of women with emotional issues that they are attempting to fix through sex. Being “naughty” isn’t about being reckless or unsafe, demeaning yourself, or being indiscriminate.
When I say “naughty girl” I am talking about a woman who takes care of herself, ALL of herself, including her sexuality. Yes, she loves sex and she isn’t ashamed to say it. She is confident in herself. She is uninhibited. She asserts herself, in the bedroom and out of it. She takes the time to get to know her body, because she knows that is a crucial step. She goes for the orgasm!
So are you still listening to your inner good girl? Is she really doing you any good? Or is she holding you back? Tell me, what’s so good about being a good girl? I have trouble seeing the positive here. You are giving up your sexual power; you are suppressing your sexual appetite. You are cheating yourself.
So…ready for a change?
Repeat after me:
I will not fake orgasms anymore.
I will not be ashamed of my sexual appetite anymore.
I will not be afraid to masturbate anymore.
I will not allow my partner to always be the one to dictate if, when and how we have sex anymore.
I will not be afraid to voice what I want and need sexually anymore.
My sexual desires are normal and natural and mine!
So, ladies, the time to take control is upon you. Decide to take control tonight and seduce your lover. No lover? Seduce yourself! Pledge allegiance to your vibrators. Fall in love with your fingers all over again. Go for that orgasm!
Are you suffering from good girl syndrome or have you embraced your inner naughty girl? Do you have any suggestions on how to be less inhibited in bed? Men, do you prefer your women to be virginal or vivacious in bed?
On 10/6/08 at 5:49 am
Cassie said:
Sex is dirty!
HAHAHAHAHAHAH I couldn’t even type that with a straight face!!!!! lmao
OK..I think my naughty girl came out to play A LOOOOOONG time ago and the trouble now is getting her to STFU sometimes!!! heheheheh
On 10/6/08 at 7:04 am
Trista said:
Screw that, let her speak!
On 10/6/08 at 6:59 am
Meghan said:
I’m certainly not struggling with my inner naughty girl. Found her years ago and she now refuses to go back into hiding.
I have similar friends who are completely avoid the conversation of sex with their partners or masturbation, very inhibited. We’re over 30 for fucks sake…really, for ‘fucks’ sake.
You’re really doing yourself an injustice if you don’t open yourself up enough to experience an orgasm…I was going to say ‘We’re all having them” but clearly we all are not.
I think you have to know how to seduce yourself. It’s a beautiful thing. Embrace it.
On 10/6/08 at 8:00 am
Trista said:
Sadly, some women NEVER get over the inhibition. That bums me out.
On 10/6/08 at 10:56 am
Meghan said:
I remember watching some sex doctors on HBO who taped couples having sexual problems. One women could rarely climax…but when she did the man wasn’t allowed to look at her…on video she is pulling a pillow over her face so she can finish.
On 10/6/08 at 11:24 am
Trista said:
Why couldn’t she just close her eyes? Goodness…I might feel a bit funny if a partner did that to me. Kinda like being with someone who can only come if they are doing it from behind.
What, you can’t look at my face??!
On 10/6/08 at 11:34 am
Dr. Joker said:
If my partner put a pillow over my face during sex, I would be thinking “Wow, was the sex that bad that she is trying to euthanize me?”
If my partner put a pillow over her face during sex, I would put a hole in the pillow…
with my penis.
On 10/6/08 at 11:49 am
Trista said:
I read your comment, and then the commenter below this thread’s name caught my eye and my mind went to a scary, scary place.
And you will forever be known as razor-penis…
On 10/6/08 at 7:55 am
Razor said:
Women who can’t have orgasms just haven’t met the right vibrator. It’s totally worth it to keep looking.
On 10/6/08 at 7:57 am
Trista said:
What about women who just flat out refuse to masturbate though?
On 10/6/08 at 8:16 am
Fiona said:
Oh that little lady crap isn’t just being spoon fed in America. This is a global situation people, we need to call in the troops (rawwwrrrrrr) for this one….
Even when you leave out masturbation (wwwhhhyyyyyyyyy!?) it’s almost impossible to orgasm during intercourse if your head isn’t in it. Your friend needs to let go mentally too, because once that little voice is saying “no no no” it’s going to drown out the “YES YES YEEEESSSSSSSSSSS”.
On 10/6/08 at 8:23 am
Trista said:
Absolutely. It is so easy to talk yourself out of an orgasm.
And men can have weird situations with this stuff too…I had a boyfriend who was willing to HAVE the sex, and the orgasm, but afterwards he would talk about how evil we are to give in to our carnal sinning ways. CREEEEEEEEEPY.
On 10/6/08 at 9:32 am
Fiona said:
He was the guy who wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Please tell me he didn’t last long.
On 10/6/08 at 9:41 am
Trista said:
Longer than he should have, sadly. I was 16, which is a sad excuse, but seriously…I look back on the 16-21 years and wonder what exactly was going on in that pretty little head of mine. A lot of nonsense, I tell you!
On 10/6/08 at 11:36 am
Dr. Joker said:
But then later, Jim Baker met Tammy Faye and they formed a ministry together…all thanks to Trista.
Thumbs up.
On 10/6/08 at 11:47 am
Trista said:
hahahahahahahaaaa.
Wait, I dated Jim Baker in this scenario?
Kinky.
On 10/6/08 at 8:21 am
Rex said:
I still listen to my Inner Good Boy.
…unless you want me to stop and tear through your circle of female friends in a frenzy, leaving nothing but satisfied looks on their faces. Not to mention surprises that’ll pop out in eight or nine months time.
On 10/6/08 at 8:24 am
Trista said:
Oh my gawd, Rex! I just fell out of my chair. I’ve missed you so.
Listen to your inner bad boy…AFTER you slip on a jimmy hat.
On 10/6/08 at 8:39 am
Rex said:
Jimmy Hat???
You did NOT miss me. Otherwise I would have gotten a “where are you, Punk/Bitch/Asshat/Mofo/My sweet darling of mine?” message via text, or my numerous methods of online correspondence.
As for the Naughty Girl/Bad Boy business… I’ve attempted to roll with some people who are comfortable in their own skins. eh. They’re a little too comfortable for my tastes. Just to speed the past couple of weeks up, it went a little something like this:
Girl: Hey, Rex. I like you! Spend time with me!
*Girl then proceeds to make out with girl at party and likely took her home… then hooks up with ex-bf later in the week*
Girl: Where’d you go, Rex?
So I learned some things!
There are Puritans and there are Naughty Girls.
…and then there are the real fucked up in the head types.
On 10/6/08 at 8:55 am
Trista said:
^^^ Needs to stop hangin’ with the Bipolar Sorority.
And I DID miss you, Karri and I talked about you often. So there!
On 10/6/08 at 8:26 am
PJ said:
Lawrence, O’Keefe, and Masturbation. It’s like a little Trista post checklist.
On 10/6/08 at 8:54 am
Trista said:
bwahahahahahahahaaaa!
On 10/6/08 at 9:59 am
PJ said:
Hey, what works, works. Right?
On 10/6/08 at 10:06 am
Trista said:
Okay,
1. I don’t JUST quote Lawrence, you know.
2. Vagina references may abound, but rarely in O’Keefe-esque subtlety. I usually just say “yay vag!” or something.
3. Okay, completely guilty of the masturbation push. But I can’t help it. Some people want to change the world by curing diseases, I want to change it by getting everyone to masturbate more. You gotta admit, the world would be a happier place.
On 10/6/08 at 10:58 am
Meghan said:
I’m hoping they discuss it at the debate tomorrow night. Last debate was Bo-ring!
On 10/6/08 at 11:25 am
Trista said:
Sigh…if only I was up for VP…that would be my campaign platform. O’s for peace!
On 10/6/08 at 11:27 am
Dr. Joker said:
I don’t think one should throw out the word “Vagina” lightly. If you are going to use it, you should sing it to the tune of U2’s DESIRE.
(singing) Vagii-iii-iii-iii-NA…..Vagii-iii-iii-iii-NA!
On 10/6/08 at 4:03 pm
Meghan said:
Hahahaaa!
On 10/6/08 at 8:37 am
Anne said:
After a bit of thought; I’ve done the good girl thing. It was a matter of self-preservation. I wasn’t about to let my naughty girl out to play if I didn’t fully trust the man or woman I was with at the time. I wasn’t being good for the sake of being good; I was making sure I didn’t get hurt.
Happily, my naughty girl has been in charge for the past twelve years. I’d say I’m good now.
On 10/6/08 at 8:57 am
Trista said:
I think that a different kind of scenario. Being a bit inhibited in a new relationship is one thing, being unable to master your own sexuality out of feeling dirty or wrong about sex is another.
I am glad your naughty girl gets to come out and play now.
On 10/6/08 at 11:24 am
Dr. Joker said:
I have to say, I’ve never had a naughty girl inside me…but I’ve been in a few naughty girls.
That counts, right? Do I win a prize?
On 10/6/08 at 11:26 am
Trista said:
So, what, no backdoor play for you, hmm?
On 10/6/08 at 11:28 am
Dr. Joker said:
Not even remotely. In fact, you’ll find a tiny little sign back there that says “Oh no you di’nt!”
On 10/6/08 at 10:27 am
Karri said:
So happy to not be the friend in reference!
However, I can empathize to the point of not being able to let go…it takes practice and trusting yourself and or your partner enough to embrace the big, bad scary world of uninhibited sexuality.
I feel sorry for this little lady, she hasn’t a clue what she’s missing!
Let go and O…Over and Over and Over again!
On 10/6/08 at 10:30 am
Trista said:
She looks at sex likes it is a chore…and it really bums me out. Sex shouldn’t be a begrudging surrender!
On 10/6/08 at 10:44 am
Karri said:
EEEEWWWW! That’s pre break-up sex, not every day bow-chica-bow-wow lovin’!
Do we need to schedule an intervention? Or is this a deep- seated childhood trauma?
On 10/6/08 at 10:47 am
Trista said:
Until she is ready to help herself, there is nothing I or anyone else can do.
I feel bad for her mans too…and I fear for their future.
On 10/6/08 at 10:39 am
Kiki said:
Gosh I remember fondly the first time I discovered just what I was capable of! Haven’t looked back since. I think it’s essential to know your own body well, and some regular bean-twiddling helps keep you on an even keel! I couldn’t bear not being to O. I mean it’s both delicious and relaxing, and uses calories rather than piling them on a la Ben and Jerry!!!!
On 10/6/08 at 10:50 am
Trista said:
I think I am just really lucky…I discovered I could orgasm at a relatively early stage in my sexuality. But doing it alone and doing it with a partner were two different things. It took me a few more years to be able to be uninhibited with another person in the room!
On 10/6/08 at 11:21 am
Dr. Joker said:
It took one woman MANY years ago to open the doors for me…Now, I scare every woman I’m with.
Handcuffs aren’t scary if they are covered with fur, right? What if I put fur on my power tools? That’s ok,right?
Right?
On 10/6/08 at 11:27 am
Trista said:
Handcuffs are only scary if you swallow the key in front of me after you lock me to the radiator. Not that, uhhh, that’s happened to me before…
On 10/6/08 at 11:29 am
Dr. Joker said:
But what if I care enough to wait with you until it comes out?
If that isn’t caring & sharing…I don’t know what is.
On 10/6/08 at 11:47 am
Kiki said:
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha… and gross.
I totally had to teach myself before I could teach my fella. Kind of like putting the oxygen mask on yourself before anyone else. And I agree solo bean-twiddling is waaaay different to couples bean-twiddling. I find it harder to fantasize if someone else is in control, as I am very aware of the fact it is THEM doing it if you see what I mean? Whereas when I am alone I can pretend it’s Joaquin to my hearts content LOL.
On 10/6/08 at 12:23 pm
Trista said:
And then there is the fact that women tend to fall into the “giver” role so naturally. We get concerned with pleasing another and often forget that OUR pleasure is crucial too!
On 10/6/08 at 12:52 pm
Kiki said:
You are SO right. My last long termer used to expect his “treat” before I would get anywhere close, and the number of times he conveniently fell asleep after he’d finished would drive me up the wall literally. So I withdrew all privileges til he mastered the art of ladies first for a change. Funnily enough he became pretty fast and effective in that department after that!
On 10/6/08 at 7:19 pm
Trista said:
Conditioned response at work!
On 10/6/08 at 10:50 am
Carol said:
<—loves everything about her sexual nature and the multi-orgasmic results.
I believe that the biggest percentage of any orgasm is driven by the mind and spirit….giving props, of course, to the talented lover between your legs.
On 10/6/08 at 10:56 am
Trista said:
I think orgasm can be a purely physical thing…I mean, I can get there on my own, relatively easily, without much thought going on upstairs. But those aren’t the best ones, not by a long shot. And if my head is in an improper place, I am going to be hard pressed to get there at all.
This is why sex just keeps getting better and better with age…I can appreciate the mental mind game of it all in a way that I just couldn’t fully understand as a youngster. I was too busy worrying about how my ass looked from that angle to remember to have fun. So glad those days are behind (ehm) me.
On 10/6/08 at 11:18 am
Dr. Joker said:
I like to think of myself “cleaning the pipes” for strictly medical purposes.
Wouldn’t want anything backing up, dontcha know.
On 10/6/08 at 11:01 am
Tori said:
I’m not sure I’ve really ever had a good girl. I had my first orgasm at 10, and I haven’t stopped since. Granted, I was depending on myself until I was about 19 and met the first boyfriend who I could teach. It was actually a shock to me that I couldn’t orgasm this morning. It was 5am, I drove for about 8 hours yesterday and there were 2 dogs in the room doing that creepy doggy stare at the bed, but still. Oh well. There’s always tonight.
On 10/6/08 at 11:11 am
Trista said:
I can’t get there when the dog is staring at me either…it freaks me out. I trick her into leaving the room, and then I lock her out. Sometimes I have to be selfish. =P
On 10/6/08 at 11:23 am
Dr. Joker said:
Dogs…orgasms….
Please…PLEASE tell me there was peanutbutter involved.
Excuse me. I’ve got pipes to clean.
On 10/6/08 at 11:13 am
Sarahh said:
I have been finding my naughty girl for many many many years. More than I would care to share not out of embarrassment of my sexuality but it would show my age.
You have to know what you want and what gets your boat floating before anyone else can do it. That is just a given.
I had a friend once who had to break up with a beau because she faked the orgasm too long and felt she couldn’t explain.
Sad state of affairs…
On 10/6/08 at 11:29 am
Trista said:
“You have to know what you want and what gets your boat floating before anyone else can do it. That is just a given.”
~You would think so, huh? It’s shock me though, how many people I know what claim to not partake of the self-pleasuring. They are either liars, or sexually repressed. I’m sorry, that sounded judgmental, huh?
On 10/6/08 at 1:43 pm
Sarahh said:
When you have been to the mountain top how can you NOT be judgmental??
On 10/6/08 at 11:18 am
rustEshakelford said:
This girl just needs a man who’s confident enough for both of them. One that will sex her up on the kitchen table well before she has a chance to light candles and “slip into something more comfortable.” A man that will treat her like a woman.
On 10/6/08 at 11:31 am
Trista said:
No. She needs to take control of her own sexuality, not have someone trying to do it for her. That’s the problem…she is uncomfortable with her own vagina. How are you ever going to enjoy sex when you aren’t even familiar or comfortable with your own sexual organs?!
On 10/6/08 at 11:56 am
Phoenix said:
I love you Trista.
That is all.
On 10/6/08 at 12:04 pm
chrissa said:
And I love me some Phoenix.
On 10/6/08 at 12:22 pm
Trista said:
Awww, shucks! =)
On 10/6/08 at 12:04 pm
chrissa said:
Why is it that so many comments show up white and I can’t read them?
Anywho…
I know a girl like this. It’s very, very strange.
Oh, and I think you want me to come to Orlando just to see if I will try and sneak you away to give you an O.
Hahahaa.
On 10/6/08 at 12:14 pm
Mary said:
You have to use Mozilla Firefox to view this website, Chrissa. It’s a free download. It’s the only way I can see all comments, too.
On 10/6/08 at 12:21 pm
Trista said:
Unfortunately, she is right. Internet explorer doesn’t like our site very much. We have talked to our webmaster about it, to no avail. Sorry guys!
But Firefox does have its perks! Spell check would be my favorite.
On 10/6/08 at 6:07 pm
Missygail said:
I do all of those things. I orgasm, I masturbate… etc. But I have a hard time with a new lover… I find it hard to tell him how I want it. I don’t want to sound like the evil schoolmarm, don’t do this or that or that other thing.
I have a new lover as of July 19th. He’s an occasional lover, nothing permanent yet and circumstances will probably prevent us from being together again anytime in the near future.
Though the times we’ve been together have been a bit lacking. I’m unable to tell him point blank what I like or want. I try to use sighs and grunts, to tell him what’s allowed and what I don’t like, but he doesn’t listen.
He’s a few years younger than me, 27 to my 30 and when we are together I can feel his youth…
Then even when he gives him self over and says do what you want to me, I do, but then he takes over…
I just find it hard getting used to a new lover. I’m good with what is known.
On 10/6/08 at 7:18 pm
Trista said:
I think it takes time to work out those new lover kinks. But I also think that the process moves along more quickly when you use words to express your likes and dislikes. If it isn’t comfortable during the actual act for you, you can always try and have the talk later, with your clothes on. Getting comfortable with the idea of talking about sexual needs is an important step in sexual satisfaction.
On 10/6/08 at 6:31 pm
Suzy said:
I was nearly 30 years old before I learned how to climax. Like the woman mentioned, I had no trouble with arousal, but I knew relatively nothing about masturbation. When I was separated from my now ex-husband, I decided I was going to change my life in every positive way possible, so I bought books about orgasm (”For Yourself”) and sexual fantasy (”My Secret Garden”) and a vibrator. It took some time and effort (::snickers::) but eventually it paid off. I hope the woman in the story will not give up on herself — she’s WORTH IT!
On 10/6/08 at 7:21 pm
Trista said:
I love that you took matters into your own hands (pun intended) and figured it all out for yourself. You, and many other women out there, are proof that it is never too late. And yes…we are worth it. =)
Thanks for dropping by, Suzy.