Bonding…Or Binding?
November 15, 2008 · Print This Article
My Virginity…how long has it been, old friend? Not to be cruel, but you’ll be happy to know that I’ve lived a pretty full life up to this point without you. I mean, what we had was good; but you knew it was a matter of time before I placed you on a shelf next to the rest of my formidable years. No, I didn’t wait till marriage. You see, I’m 31 and if I had waited this long people could have gotten hurt. Or maybe I would have married for all the wrong reasons just to push you away. That would never happen, would it? I mean - it’s incredibly unrealistic to wait for marriage in these times, no?
Not according to Purity Balls; a TLC documentary that highlights an annual event in Colorado Springs, Colorado. It’s here that fathers and daughters gather to celebrate their growing relationship and show their devotion to one another. Oh, and sign a covenant that they will remain pure and chaste until marriage. Just your typical Father Daughter Dance complete with a giant wooden cross and the ghost of Sigmund Freud choking on a Rocky Mountain Oyster in the corner. How fitting?
This particular Purity Ball is in its 10th year, and hosted by New Life Church members Randy and Lisa Wilson; parents to seven children, 5 of which are daughters. The Wilson Ball is the original ball and considered to be the most elegant and ‘romantic’ in the country. Um, romantic? Isn’t that against the rules?
Girls as young as five years old, in satin beaded gowns will walk on their fathers polished shoes, while entrusting their hearts to Daddy and bodies to the Lord. That’s until their earthly father, hallowed be thy name, has chosen a proper suitor and husband. It’s not just happening in Colorado Springs; over 4700 of them have been held in the United States this past year alone. In fact some are calling it a ‘New Movement’ against what has become a ‘hook-up’ culture; and it’s kind of making my skin crawl.
Ok, outwardly I understand the basic social dynamics of this celebration. I’m trying to keep the ‘Ick’ factor away from the common sense part of my brain. Obviously, I am all for positive relationships between fathers and daughters. A father should do everything he can to make his daughter feel loved, prized, special and most of all worthy of respect. The fathers that attend say this is a turning point in their relationships…that because they value their daughters so much, they won’t run out and seek validation from other men. Mayyyybe, but it still creates a whole new set of daddy issues for me.
Listening to these young girls talk about their pledge made me want to clean out my ears. I did, several times, I was hearing them correctly. According to their beliefs on the matter, there is one man out there you are going to marry. So any relationship you have before you meet them is essentially cheating. As one attendee put it, “When you date one on one our emotions become involved and we give little pieces away and when we marry we don’t have a whole heart to give to our husband.” Her name is Hannah, she’s 11 and this will be her 5th Purity Ball with her father.
Reportedly, 1 in 6 girls in America makes a Purity Pledge. While it might not last for some through their hormonal teen years, for others it rings true. Now a happy housewife, one young woman states that she didn’t even hold hands with her husband before their wedding night…figured it would be distracting from getting to know each others hearts before they got married. Her father conducted the ceremony. I feel that ‘ick’ factor again…
On the day of the ball there is dinner, dancing and the signing of the Purity Covenant. Daughters then stand, if they wish, and thank their fathers for helping to guide them through this struggle, because they know they want to marry a man just like him. Or at least, that’s what they’ve been told. Considering they are giving their hearts to God first, their fathers 2nd and then to their husbands, I’m not sure if it was ever their heart to rule in the first place.
Come on! It was a Purity Ball, people! Feel all clean and sparkly? What do you think about this Covenant of Chastity? Is it simply a way for fathers and daughters to bond, or is it unnatural? What were your dating rules and how much say did your parents have? Can’t your feelings for your lover be considered pure and chaste? Speak now, and if you want to share your ‘losing it’ stories this could get real interesting…
On 11/15/08 at 1:24 am
Meghan said:
Ahhh, Pre-marital sex…I wish I was having it right now!
On 11/15/08 at 6:06 am
The Striped Avenger said:
Be careful what you wish for.
On 11/15/08 at 7:28 am
Meghan said:
I’m never careful what I wish for…
On 11/15/08 at 8:24 am
Jaime said:
Right around the time you posted this I was having premarital sex. A LOT of premarital sex.
It was good, too.
On 11/15/08 at 8:30 am
Meghan said:
Yay! That’s our girl! Good for you…I mean, ummm - your body is temple!
On 11/15/08 at 9:03 am
The Striped Avenger said:
LMAO!
On 11/15/08 at 6:55 am
The Striped Avenger said:
In all seriousness… I’m sure you know by now my opinions on sex are about as liberal as it can be. Basically, I can see the purpose behind it but let’s be serious - sexual compatibility is just as important as emotional compatibility. I can make a point about that figuratively, or I can make it literally. i.e. what if the guy is hung like a horse and the girl has a cooch the size of a key hole? They wouldn’t be able to have sex if they tried.
I’ve only known two people in my life who said they were going to “save themselves”; both were girls. One followed through with her promise to ‘Gawd’. She is now married and owns a house with her husband of a couple of years. For her, everything actually worked out ok.
The other story should come as no surprise… When I met the other one, she was 26 years old at the time, and… I talked her out of it. That’s right God, logic won. So basically me and God probably aren’t on speaking terms right now.
On 11/15/08 at 7:30 am
Meghan said:
I’m trying to spin it away from Religion…because Religion and I want to go toe to toe in a major way.
I just can’t for the life of me understand how grown men could have their tiny little girls pledge something so profound at such a young age.
I mean…obviously they wouldn’t want their 7 yr old thinking about sex…but to sign some sort of purity contract before they even hit puberty! Nuts!
On 11/15/08 at 11:24 am
Matt said:
You can’t spin it away from Religion. Without Religion there is no rationale for this bizarre behaviour. Furthermore, it is only because of Religion that sexual activity is viewed as “impure”. No secularist would hold onto the strange view that one’s capacity to be a moral person is somehow diminished solely by having had sexual relations. It’s a fundamentally stupid idea and there’s no reason at all why it shouldn’t be labeled as such. Don’t be afraid to go toe to toe with Religion. You’re not required to give it any more deference or respect than any other claim or opinion offered by anyone else in any other sphere of discourse.
On 11/15/08 at 12:15 pm
Meghan said:
See…I CAN spin it away - you just did some of the dirty work for me
And I concur!
Ahem.
On 11/15/08 at 2:15 pm
Matt said:
You’re a wily one miss Meghan. I think I see where this is going, though. Next, you’ll have me changing your lightbulbs. Then, minor car repairs. Then, educational trips to the natural history museum to reignite my childhood love of rock collecting and learn about different gem cuts. It all eventually leads to the purchase of a station wagon or minivan.
On 11/15/08 at 2:32 pm
Meghan said:
I’m totally with you right now…but could you just reach that punch bowl on the top shelf? You’re taller than me and our guests will be here any minute!
You’re fun!
On 11/15/08 at 2:55 pm
Matt said:
Ok, here’s the punch bowl. Perhaps I should get the turkey roasting pan down as well while I’m at it. After that, I should probably take a break before I inspire Trista to write a scathing article on the etiquette of public flirtation.
On 11/15/08 at 3:00 pm
Meghan said:
I took care of the turkey while you were out chopping wood. What else did you say? I was too busy batting my eyes…
Public flirtation is a lot better that public aggression, which might be on our topics list soon!
On 11/15/08 at 3:07 pm
Matt said:
Well, since the turkey is all taken care of, I might as well find the ornaments for the tree. I think they’re in the basement crawlspace. Here, could you hold this flashlight?
On 11/15/08 at 3:22 pm
Meghan said:
Oh God! This isn’t Scott Peterson is it…I know this night before Christmas tale…I’m outta here!
That was so awful…I’m awful! Must be all that pre-marital sex.
On 11/15/08 at 3:32 pm
Matt said:
Apparently, I’ve been living under a rock for too long. Scott who?
On 11/15/08 at 3:53 pm
Meghan said:
You’ll have to google it…murdering husband…Christams…white OJ.
I told you I was awful!
On 11/15/08 at 8:33 pm
sue said:
I agree that the age for making this kind of promise is inappropriate. My 13 year old can barely comprehend the concept of sex and she thinks it just sounds disgusting anyway…what child doesn’t?
On 11/15/08 at 8:47 pm
Meghan said:
Hey Sue…Thanks for stopping by!
Sitting down with your child to discuss sex before they are sexually active is one thing. Interrupting their morning cartoons and cereal so they can try on their Purity Gown is a bit much.
On 11/15/08 at 7:04 am
~Lori~ said:
There is something about this, that feels so wrong to me. The father issue, I’m a daddy’s girl, or I was, God rest his soul. But this whole concept feels almost incestuous to me for some reason, I kept half expecting you to say that they have to give their virginity to their dads, before marriage to properly break them in, as they use to in certain cultures/ancient times or whatever.
I understand if you want to wait till marriage, more power to you. That is a personal choice. Yet it feels as if these girls are being brainwashed at an early age.
The not dating though, is so off base, “When you date one on one our emotions become involved and we give little pieces away and when we marry we don’t have a whole heart to give to our husband.”, how do you get to know an individual? Let my father pick the right man? I don’t think so.
A real dad, lets their child grow and learn, mistakes and all. It’s one thing to want parental approval, but it is your heart, you are the one that has to live and lie down with that person for supposedly the rest of your life not your father.
My father, during one of my breakups with my spouse, I was planning to move back home, I had changed my mind. I called him to tell him. I thought he would read me the riot act, he didn’t, he told me I was grown woman, and to live my life, he would be there if I needed him, (damn I miss him), that to me is what a father should be.
I really don’t agree with this whole concept, let me add to your *ick* factor with an *ewwwwwww* :s
On 11/15/08 at 7:35 am
Meghan said:
My father is extremely protective of me…I’m his only daughter. Maybe we did it old school, I lived in Michigan and he owned guns! Ha…I’m not joking!
He always had to meet and say hello to my little dates, but doesn’t every dad? He knew I was going to have crushes, boyfriends, etc…and he would grin and bear it.
Actually…it was my father who suggested birth control before college! He was more of a realist.
On 11/15/08 at 7:59 am
~Lori~ said:
See that sounds a lot more normal than this “Purity Ball” thing. My dad was with me too, sans the guns, needless to say though, I didn’t like bringing guys around him ;p
Now my daughter’s father, he has the gun thing going on, we even had an 18 year old pursuing our oldest when she was 14, trying to get her to sneak out at night, we caught wind of it. Her dad, sat out in the bushes, with a loaded shotgun, and six-pack, scared the boy to death, surprised he didn’t pee his britches! LMAO, he backed off her after that. So glad he did this too, I hear now after 3 years, he has seven kids scattered between TX and OK, so glad none of them are my grandchildren
On 11/15/08 at 8:07 am
Meghan said:
Oh Man!
My father used to like to go shoot at a local gun range in Michigan with his state trooper locals. I’d go with him too…shot a few in my day.
I’ll never forget my mother calling me out of my room because a boy had stopped by. There he was, pinned against the front door sweating…and there my father was, 30 ft away at a table cleaning out his nine millimeter!
On 11/15/08 at 8:43 am
~Lori~ said:
Lmao! Now that is what a dad is suppose to be! I hate sometimes mine kids dad has to be so far from the younger one, she is just starting to blossom. *cringes* Yet the positive is, the peers of hers that see me, especially if it warm weather are kinda scared of me, this mommy sports BIG tatoo’s for some reason scares the hell out of the boys… way I look at it that is a GOOD THING
On 11/15/08 at 8:54 am
Meghan said:
What’s the phrase…better to be feared than loved? That is probably the mantra of every parent of a dating aged daughter out there.
Don’t get me wrong…I know I am hell bent protective of the kids I Nanny for, so I can only imagine what my own children will have to endure. But a purity contract? I could never go there.
Once again someone has found a way to take basic open and honest communication out of the mix and replace it with an empty pledge. Words don’t count as much as actions, people!
On 11/15/08 at 7:13 am
Kiki said:
I think Freud would have a field day with this!!!!! It’s creepy to the nth. If my Dad had taken me to Purity Balls, and made me swear my allegiance to God, then him, then my future husband, I’d be even more estranged from him than I am already!!!!!!
I think part of the reason teen sex is so prevalent these days is the fact children grow up too quickly in today’s society. They are given grown up toys, grown up expectations, grown up media. So sex is seen as acceptable and the “norm”. Back in the day, kids were kids for way longer. There were consequences for their behaviour. Nowadays, is it me or is there a severe lack of logical consequences? I see teens and pre-teens acting like they are entitled to everything, with no recourse or responsibility. Nope, that’s not how the Real World works. Parents who don’t actually “parent” their children are doing them a huge disservice.
So in principle I agree with the purpose of the Purity Balls. I just think the reality of them skeeves me out a bit. By all means encourage no sex til marriage, or at least until both parties are mature enough to handle a baby. Just make it less about religion and Freudism and more about the whole community coming together to help teens make appropriate decisions about their futures.
On 11/15/08 at 7:39 am
Meghan said:
Here here, doll!
Yes, they do grow up Wayyyy to quickly, too much is expected of them and Disney ain’t helping matters!
I agree with the whole outside, big picture purpose of the Purity Ball too…who could deny trying to make a young girl feel valued and special? Making them know they are worthy of love and respect? More girls need that in our society!
But to start telling them at 5 yrs old their body is a temple and Daddy is at the gates is way too much for me. Hello…paging Billy Ray Cyrus…;)
On 11/15/08 at 7:45 am
Kiki said:
Without wanting to get sued by a multi-trillion dollar corporation, Disney is evil.
I agree, children and teens ought to have good self esteem and self confidence. But that should come from within, and not from Daddy tying a chastity belt round his daughter at age 5. At that age surely there are more appropriate things for Daddy’s to be doing with their daughters? Lego. Or an icecream run after dinner. Don’t be piling all these adult-led concepts onto a child, or the first thing they will do is wonder what all the fuss is about and then go and get pregnant at 14. Educate them, yes. Brainwash them, no.
On 11/15/08 at 7:49 am
Meghan said:
Exactly! I have a great relationship with my father…but we liked to fish together, not make purity pledges.
There is absolutely no reason under the sun to be discussing your 5 yr olds chastity! Talk to her about loving her…as an individual! She isn’t just a womb waiting to happen!
On 11/15/08 at 7:57 am
Kiki said:
You know, in the UK now, they want to start sex education at aged 5. That’s the first year in Primary School. Madness. I was taught the birds and the bees at aged 11, and you know what? It worked. I was so grossed out by boys at that age that the mere thought of any exchange of bodily fluids made me want to throw up. At age 5 though, I was totally into playing Doctors and Nurses with my little partners in crime. Had we known more about the mechanics of our bodies I really think we would have tried stuff out. Not for any sexual purposes at all. But for exploratory reasons, I mean at that age we all were curious about ourselves and our bodies. That curiousity would, I fear, have overridden any level of appropriate behaviour.
Hopefully that doesn’t make me sound like a complete freak!!!!! But child psychology interests me and I really feel a 5 year old is not mature enough to handle the ins and outs (pardon the terrible pun) of sex.
On 11/15/08 at 8:04 am
Meghan said:
Holy Hell! Can we let our children be children for at least 10 years!!!! Sex Education at 5 yrs old is completely ridiculous and no where close to necessary!
Teach them about their changing bodies when they are changing…not 6 years before! There is so much innocence lost these days.
Hell I played Doctors and Nurses! And at age 5 I think I was still taking a bath with my younger brother.
Why is talking about sex still such a ‘bad thing’?
On 11/15/08 at 8:11 am
Kiki said:
I think talking about sex is not a bad thing. But I do think it is not strictly appropriate to expect a child of 5 to handle the details.
My nephew is 5 and he freaks out when his willy gets big, and he plays with it all the time. I cannot begin to imagine he would ever comprehend the fact that his willy will, at some point in the future, help create a baby. He thinks his little brother and sister were bought at the local supermarket for God’s sake. (And begged my sister to return them as they were “too loud and annoying”!) I LOVE childhood innocence, and think we ought to preserve THAT rather than chastity. Like you said, teach them about sex when their bodies are in the process of changing and adapting for that purpose. Until then let’s treasure their innocence and naivete.
On 11/15/08 at 8:14 am
Meghan said:
“And begged my sister to return them as they were “too loud and annoying”
Bwahahahaha! I love that!
Really, I understand wanting to empower young children and make them feel worthy and special and loved as individuals…but give them the freedom to grow! They don’t need to be thinking about their genitals while on the swing!
On 11/15/08 at 9:19 am
The Striped Avenger said:
I’m sure everyone knows by now it’s the rope in gym class that makes us all think of our genitals.
On 11/15/08 at 9:24 am
Meghan said:
Gym class was a big factor, but not the rope. More like the over zealous teacher with the whistle that made me feel like I had to cover up my A-Cups.
Did I ever have A Cups? It’s been a while.
On 11/15/08 at 8:12 am
Jacqueline said:
Seems to me one of the creep-ick factors is Daddy “valuing” and “loving” daughter BY asking her to do this….waaay before the age of informed consent.
How CAN she say no? Then she’s NOT loved special, etc. Kids are easily led, ask any child molester OR expert witness in a molestation case. So these pledges seem rather like controlling the kid’s head thru “love” etc. Which is what clever child molesters do. Daughter would feel she can’t say no to Dad, no matter how much he says it’s her free will.
And if she says yes and then later sees boys on the sneak, etc…then she’s a liar. To God, yet, as well as godlike Dad. I just don’t see any good to come of this…ever.
Hey, Dad? Any problem with just telling your daughter (often)she is loved & valued, so you hope she respects herself. etc. You could even tell her you know what teenage boys are like cause you used to be one. Oh, wait, that way you have to get down off your pedestal, and have uncomfortable conversations, instead of just dressing up once a year and making sure you have a pen on you.
On 11/15/08 at 8:19 am
Meghan said:
HA-RUMPF! Thank you, lady!
I completely agree…these girls don’t have a clue to what they are pledging. They are doing it because they love their fathers and are told it’s what good girls do.
I’m actually surprised more MOTHERS haven’t stood up and protested the actual ceremony of it all. Maybe they have…this is all new to me.
I mean, no mother wants her pre-teen all riled up about having sex…but still. If my husband wanted to take my 16 yr old to a purity ball I would freak the hell out!
On 11/15/08 at 8:14 am
cigarsmokingbeerdrinkinglawyer said:
What? wait. You mean you arent a virgin?! There goes the whole Mary Poppins poppin fantasty.
And my little angel is going to live in a convent somewhere west of Alice Springs even if I have to build the damn thing myself.
On 11/15/08 at 8:21 am
Meghan said:
Sadly, no…I am not a 31 yr old virgin. I tried to stay away from sex, but I was just so damn good at it!
Your little angel is lucky she has a loving daddy that treats her like a princess anyway! No need for a contract there…the boys are going to be plenty scared of you as it is!
On 11/15/08 at 8:15 am
cigarsmokingbeerdrinkinglawyer said:
Oh and hello from Houston. Good luck in lossing your cigar virginity tonight.
On 11/15/08 at 8:22 am
Meghan said:
Yay…I’m definitely taking your advice…I should print out your blog and put it in my back pocket in case I get confused!
You’re the Best!
On 11/15/08 at 9:18 am
The Striped Avenger said:
And good to see the cigar-smoking attorney has discovered the joys of alcohol!
On 11/15/08 at 9:25 am
Meghan said:
I’d share a cold beer with him any day.
On 11/15/08 at 8:25 am
Jaime said:
Yikes. I think that’s all I have to say.
Or is it?
On 11/15/08 at 8:31 am
Meghan said:
It all seems to want to come from a good place…or does it.
Your turn
On 11/15/08 at 8:30 am
Trista said:
You know…despite the fact that I think young girls SHOULD wait longer than they do, this creeps me out. I think its the pictures. Thanks, M.
And just to clear my comment up, I am not saying wait till marriage, I am saying wait till…I dunno, you aren’t a freakin’ child?? I had sex waaaay to young…it messed with my mind at that young and tender age. I wish kids wouldn’t do it. I know they will, but I wish they wouldn’t.
On 11/15/08 at 8:36 am
Meghan said:
The pics come straight from the actual ceremony…so thank the good people in Colorado Springs.
I think young girls should be more educated and wait longer, but this?
I think I lost my virginity at a pretty natural time. I might have been too young in some peoples eyes, but it happened in a safe place, with a safe boy. Looking back I wouldn’t have waited any longer. I wasn’t the first of my friends to do it, whore
and I wasn’t the last.
On 11/15/08 at 8:52 am
Trista said:
I wasn’t the first or the last either, and I was at a “common” age…but looking back, I didn’t know my body, or myself, and those are things I think should be in place before the sex starts. Again, I know it isn’t the way things work in our society, but I wish it was. I didn’t actually enjoy sex until I got older and wiser…until then I was doing it because I thought I should.
Girls should get a vibrator and a book about female sexuality when they have their period! Not just a box of tampons, a prescription for birth control and a sideways look of embarrassment when they pass their dads in the hallway.
On 11/15/08 at 9:03 am
Meghan said:
Yeah…I knew my body just as much as a few years of middle/high school sexual education classes told me I did. It seems we’ve been let down as far as enjoying our first time…it’s just what it is - quick, awkward, over and blah.
I didn’t really enjoy sex until wayyy later. It wasn’t even about being ‘good’ at anything, but feeling good about it. Letting go of the idea that I was just having sex and giving into a greater connection. Not to be corny…but it’s so much better that way when you aren’t as focused on the mechanics of it all.
Girls SHOULD get vibrators! I give mad credit to my dad for talking to me about birth control when he did…and he didn’t even know I was having sex.
On 11/15/08 at 8:55 am
Karri said:
Head hurts…need more coffee! Just one question though…where are the Mom’s of these young ladies? wouldn’t it be a tad less icky if they were the ones talking to their daughters about sex?
On 11/15/08 at 9:12 am
Meghan said:
That’s what I want to know!!!
Why isn’t it the mother empowering the little girl about loving and respecting her choices?!
There seem to be a ton of fundamentalists in this movement and the mothers might be home nursing their little ones. The Wilson Family has 7 children, and they lost 5 children due to miscarriage along the way!!!
It’s a Patriarchal Society, no room for the Matriarch. She has a different role.
On 11/17/08 at 5:28 am
Fiona said:
Yup, she’s just there to pop them out and keep her pretty little yap shut.
On 11/15/08 at 9:22 am
The Striped Avenger said:
Are there any Law & Order buffs here? I love how most episodes are loosely based upon an actual news story and last Tuesday’s episode of SVU was based around the 17 Gloucester high school students who made a “pregnancy pact”; except in their version, it involved murder.
The story was interesting considering the reason a girl was murdered was because she broke her purity pact she made with her boyfriend and cheated on him with a complete stranger in order for her to keep the pregnancy pact. Ah, an honor killing comes to America. Even though that didn’t actually happen, I’m feeling so worldly that I’m going to go make a breakfast burrito.
What effect does this “pregnancy pact” behavior have on society?
On 11/15/08 at 9:32 am
Meghan said:
I can’t watch network television unless Steve Carell is involved. So no Law and Order for me.
The whole pregnancy pact was completely outrageous! I got calls from family all over the country about that one…sometimes it doesn’t pay to live in Massachusetts. Thanks for nothing, Mitt Romney!
But I have to say…15 years ago my high school wasn’t so different. We had more than our share of pregnant girls roaming the halls. My parents were mortified at it all. I’m 31 so I can have a little perspective, but jesus!
On 11/15/08 at 11:04 am
The Striped Avenger said:
You and your ‘Office’ fetishes. I’d have to think about it but I’m pretty sure we had next to nothing for teen pregnancies in my class in the general high school, but in the programs where they sent the hellions did have some.
At any rate, nice work again Em.
On 11/15/08 at 12:16 pm
Meghan said:
It’s the Office Supplies aisle of Super Stop and Shop…or STAPLES…gets me every time.
On 11/15/08 at 2:35 pm
lisaq said:
Ick is right! I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. WTF??? It’s so disturbing I can’t even find words…and that’s rare!
On 11/15/08 at 2:38 pm
Meghan said:
You mean as a mother you don’t support this!? It’s left you tongue tied?