Breaking-Up for Dummies
September 16, 2008 · Print This Article
There’s a fine line between love and hate…one day you and your lovely are in the throws of passion and the next you find yourself fantasizing about smothering them in their sleep. Somehow, something went awry and “I do” became “I don’t!” And although we can’t forego the pain of a break-up we can at the very least attempt a healthy departure with our wits in tact.
There will always be some level of heartache and headache attached to mourning the loss of happily ever after. Albeit not the easiest of tasks, it is possible for two people to end what once was whilst maintaining a level of love and respect for one another. The end of a relationship shouldn’t be considered a failure, but rather a life lesson to learn from…and hopefully not repeat.
Whether you are the dumper or dumpee, mid-break-up is not the time to be either pompous or self-defeating, so don’t forget to check your ego. If you find yourself no longer willing or able to be committed you must first devise a graceful exit strategy. State your case calmly and with compassion, take responsibility, and don’t drag it out. Conversely, if you’ve just been kicked in the gut, remember that one relationship is not the be all-end all…there really are plenty of fish in the sea. Be grateful for the good times, pick yourself up, dry your eyes and for the love of gawd, don’t utter the words “I’ll never love another“… because you will!
Through 5 major breakups (2 marriages, 3 engagements) I’ve discovered one key element to dissolution survival and that is embracing “Distance Therapy.” No matter how hard we want to cling to the past or resurrect that loving feeling it is imperative to learn to stand on our own two feet. Phone calls, text messages, e-mails and drive-by’s are off limits until you’ve reached the safety zone of self-preservation.
While engaging in Distance Therapy it is of the utmost importance that your number one priority is yourself.
- Remember that avoiding pain in lieu of temporary pleasure will only cause more damage in the end. Steer clear of drunken one-night stands that will give you nothing more than a hangover and a possible STD.
- Be proactive by starting new habits and relinquishing those that are no longer serving a positive purpose.
- Get mentally and physically healthy…learn who you are and what you enjoy.
- Grieve but don’t get lost. You only have one life, so don’t waste precious time and energy with “what ifs and woulda’, shoulda’ coulda’s,” they’re pointless and will do nothing but cause more pain and misery.
Once you’ve mastered the new and improved you, you’re on the right path to starting anew.
Time truly does heal all wounds, and one miraculous day will arrive when you realize that you have acquired the strength and ability to face your past without being plagued by the sight of it. This is the time to entertain the idea of salvaging a friendship with your former lovah, but keep in mind that it’s a slippery slope and one that must be navigated with distinct boundaries. Falling into an on again - off again relationship is futile at best and a sure fire way to crucify your dignity and sanity. Heed a reunion with caution…be aware of the warning signs that one or both parties may have ulterior motives. Be forgiving and patient… allow a new evolution begin. If you’re lucky you might just find a new friend in an old love.
How do you break-up? Do you slam the door never to open it again, or do you collect of harem of ex’s? What break-up survival tips and tricks have worked for you? Are you friends with your ex’s, or is an ex and ex for a reason?
On 09/15/08 at 9:37 pm
Trista said:
I do not have a breakup style, each one has been as unique as the relationship it came at the end of.
As far as remaining friends with the ex’s…I used to be all for it. But lately I question it. I just haven’t really had great experiences with it. I do know it works for some, like you…but for me, not so much. It doesn’t ever seem like friendship, but more like an inability to completely let go.
On 09/16/08 at 6:15 am
Karri said:
Not all ex’s are meant to stay in the friend zone that’s fo’ sure! I think it all depends on how the relationship started. If the relationship was based on a friendship rather than say a one-night stand a couple has a better chance. That is of course depending on why the break-up occurred.
On 09/16/08 at 6:50 am
Trista said:
A one-night-stand? Can you call that an ex? I personally don’t consider someone an ex unless the relationship made it past the 4 month mark. Everything shorter was casual dating. And those people I find it easier to be friends with anyway…because usually it evolves into a friendship naturally. The long terms…those are the one I think friendship is too sticky for comfort with…feelings don’t just dissolve after all.
On 09/16/08 at 6:57 am
Karri said:
I should have said a one-night stand that got carried away…like my first ex-husband…HAHAHAAA!!!
On 09/16/08 at 8:55 am
Fiona said:
And mine! Oy vey.
On 09/16/08 at 9:16 am
Karri said:
HA!!
What a dumb I was!
On 09/16/08 at 8:15 am
Dr. Joker said:
I don’t have a particular style either, other than my fashionwear. I like to wear clothes from the 80s when I am in the process of breaking it off so the woman won’t think it is a big loss when it’s over.
On 09/16/08 at 8:35 am
Karri said:
Well now, there’s an innovative deterrent. Do you make her Culture Club and Boy George tapes too?
On 09/16/08 at 9:24 am
Dr. Joker said:
God, no. I don’t want her dancing out the door.
I prefer Air Supply and Peter Cetera medleys. Sometimes, I play them at the same time on cassette tape.
On 09/16/08 at 10:01 am
Sarahh said:
You made a mixed tape.
*Giggles*
On 09/16/08 at 2:43 am
~Lori~ said:
All great pieces of advice, but hard to follow a lot of times. As for being friends with your ex it does take time and a lot of healing. I can honestly say I’m friends with both my exes. In different degrees, the one I was married to, very good friends, but I told him long time ago, when I got hit with the “I love you”, I said I love you too, but I will not let you take my heart again and stomp it into the ground, I think that was when the friendship part finally kicked in again.
On 09/16/08 at 6:35 am
Karri said:
Good girl! All relationships, romantic or otherwise must have boundaries. It is absolutely possible to continue loving an ex, it’s just a different kind of love when you’re no longer a couple. And dare I say, sometimes it’s better?
On 09/16/08 at 10:13 am
~Lori~ said:
Oh hell yes! Much better, we know each other so well, yes do push each others buttons at times, but I know I can count on him vice versa. Besides, I jump his backside and get away with it, because he knows I’m right ;p When was with him…I had to walk on eggshells sometimes to keep the right balance…
On 09/16/08 at 1:28 pm
Karri said:
I have an ex who has a tendency to say things that I would have flipped the hell out over when we were a couple, now I can just laugh it off. But at the end of the day, the love and respect is probably greater today than it was 5 years ago…and for that I’m truly grateful!
Who knew breaking-up could be good for a relationship?
On 09/16/08 at 5:00 am
Sarahh said:
I am a pack rat. I keep everything! And the same rings true for ex’s. I don’t know why but I keep them around forever. Some, to be fair, I want around. They are great people and I value their friendship. Others, well I am not sure what value they hold.
So, just recently, I cleaned out my closet so to speak. I had an ex that contacted me CONSTANTLY with no return from me at all. Finally I said, “Look, I don’t want to talk to you. You cheated on me and it hurt my feelings. I don’t want to be your friend. I have a boyfriend and I know you are looking for sex, so please take your penis elsewhere”
Haven’t heard from him since, so hopefully it worked!
(Fingers crossed)
On 09/16/08 at 6:11 am
Carol said:
bwah…ha…ha “please take your penis elsewhere”
I have had similar conversations with exes. If they are ONLY or primarily interested in keeping sex an option, they learn quickly where I stand on the subject.
Then, there are those with whom I do maintain a friendship . It totally depends on the level of our relationship “pre-break up”.
On 09/16/08 at 6:41 am
Karri said:
Carol, I absolutely agree that post break-up status is equally related to how it all began. If you weren’t friends before the bow-chica-bow-wow chances are likely you won’t be afterward either.
On 09/16/08 at 7:40 am
Carol said:
What is really strange are those which never got to the bow chica wow wow. Yes, they exist. REALLY.
Desirable men with whom I did not bow, they did not get this chica and there was certainly no wow wow. One who just got a kiss almost a year ago just emailed me. Can I be friends with him…sure….IF he takes the time to actually BE a friend and not a man on the bcww search.
I can only remain friends, in general, with those who were initially or eventually in true “Friend” capacity. Even then, it gets tricky.
On 09/16/08 at 8:39 am
Karri said:
If they’ve never seen you nekkid the relationship wasn’t all that deep to begin with, was it? It shouldn’t be all that complicated to befriend someone who you’ve only swapped spit with. If they’re friend worthy of course.
On 09/16/08 at 6:40 pm
Carol said:
Ah, but this particular man has emailed out of the blue…i.e. has probably got some other motives. I just like to keep that stuff checked at the front door. I am nothing if not ultra clear that FREIENDSHIP is all I can offer.
On 09/16/08 at 8:18 am
Dr. Joker said:
I think a man referring to his penis as “Little Bow Wow” is probably a deal breaker when it comes to sustaining a physical relationship after the emotional one is over.
That’s why I don’t do it anymore. “Little Elvis” is much sexier.
On 09/16/08 at 6:39 am
Karri said:
“I am a pack rat. I keep everything! And the same rings true for ex’s.”
You’re singing my song, sista’! But, yes, every once in a while we need to clean out the cobwebs and purge the people and things that no longer have a place in our lives…like rude, selfish, sex-seeking ex’s!
On 09/16/08 at 9:26 am
Dr. Joker said:
I found a tiny black box in my parents basement about a year ago. In it were all the tiny notes and letters and pictures from my relationships in high school. I read some of them and then threw them out…adding a final note to the pile that said…”Dear, Rob. This is the gayest thing you have ever done in your life.”
On 09/16/08 at 1:10 pm
Karri said:
HA! I have enough of those letters to fill your parent’s basement. Perhaps I should consider a bonfire.
On 09/16/08 at 2:55 pm
Sarahh said:
I will bring the marshmallows.
Mmmmmm Smores….
On 09/16/08 at 5:09 am
MikeC said:
Here’s a question… I broke up with someone via phone. She lived in St. Louis, Mo. I lived in Tampa, FL. After telling people they were like ” You broke up with someone on the phone?” Was I supposed to fly all the way there? I eventually did after she refused to be dumped on the phone. I should note we were going out to close to 8 years.
Hmmm… I still think the over the phone was appropriate, no? Maybe a future post. Let me know if I can contribute.
On 09/16/08 at 6:16 am
Missygail said:
I’ve broken up over the phone more than once and I didn’t live that far away. I don’t see anything wrong with breaking up over the phone. Insisting to do it in person is just another way to pull out the emotional strings.
On 09/16/08 at 6:47 am
Karri said:
Eh…I did the phone break-up once also…while I was on vacation visiting my ex-husband…whoopsie!
Certainly, doing so face-to-face is the polite way to go, especially after an 8 year relationship. It gives the other person the opportunity to have some closure. But, just like Trista mentioned previously every relationship is as unique as it’s break-up…there are no hard and fast rules.
On 09/16/08 at 7:07 am
Lanier said:
I broke up w/ someone on messenger. I couldnt EVER get a hold of him. I called his cell, his work, txt him saying we need to talk. I got nothing… So I seen he was online, I said hey do you have a few moments to talk… if he would of said yea, I would of said lets meet somewhere. But I didnt hear anything back… So I told him I couldnt do this anymore, no communication since we are away from one another. I didnt hear from him til Sunday. We are friends now… I know it was not polite, but I have called him nearly every other day, leave him voice mails, and txt him. And I wouldnt get a single response from him. So I did what I had to do…
On 09/16/08 at 8:05 am
Karri said:
You get a hall pass on that one. I don’t see how you could have had another option other than just completely ignoring him and assuming that he’d get the hint…but that’s not very responsible, now is it?
On 09/16/08 at 9:28 am
Dr. Joker said:
Breaking up over the phone is a great way to do it. But you know what is even better? Breaking up by carrier pigeon.
Nothing says “It’s over” like a tiny note strapped to a bird’s leg and poop on your shoulder.
On 09/16/08 at 12:01 pm
Meghan said:
Hahaha! Awesome!
I once thought out loud a nice blowdart to the neck with a note attached would be appropriate to shake a certain someone off.
“If you didn’t see that coming, you’re gonna hate this…”
On 09/16/08 at 5:09 am
Meghan said:
I like the idea of being friends with exes. In some cases old wounds have made impossible for either me, or them to continue a real relationship post break-up. I don’t need to be friends with all of them…no thanks.
I suppose I look at it like, if the friendship is honest and obtainable we’ll both make it so, show we care and it’ll continue from there.
Sometimes it’s a tight rope, but once you’ve had a certain level of intimacy with another person (not just physical intimacy) it’s nice to know that person still holds a present value in your life. Even if you have both long moved on.
On 09/16/08 at 6:53 am
Karri said:
I couldn’t agree with you more, M! I honestly don’t know what I’d do without some of my ex’s, they often know me better than I know myself. Each one of them has a special place in my heart and a distinct purpose. I feel truly honored to call them my friends.
On the flip side…there are a few that I wouldn’t break for if they were in the crosswalk!!!
On 09/16/08 at 7:09 am
Meghan said:
Crosswalk?! I didn’t see any crosswalk, Officer???
I think if you can find the balance it’s actually a wonderful opportunity to see inside yourself. It helps me to recognize my own growth as an individual. I was that person with you, we went through it, and now I am this person with you. Vice versa.
It’s not for everyone, every ex or even every ex friend that you were never in a relationship with. But it does happen, and when those stars align you haven’t really lost anything, only gained.
On 09/16/08 at 8:11 am
Karri said:
I honestly believe that some relationships turned friendships can be stronger than couplehood. It’s as if the pressure is off and you can say and do things that you might’ve perhaps been hesitant to do previously.
Of course an ideal relationship has no stipulations and we can leave our “representative” at the door, but let’s be honest sometimes we can’t do that until we break-up. Odd, isn’t it?
On 09/16/08 at 5:11 am
Cassie said:
I pretty much slam the door. I have no desire to be friends with any of my exes…I make enough friends not to have to worry about them too!!! However, I cannot say that I’ve ever really hurt or been hurt by a guy. OR if I did the hurting, they didn’t let me know!!!
On 09/16/08 at 6:54 am
Karri said:
Here’s my question, Cass…are you friends with them before you date them? And if so, don’t you miss the friendship?
On 09/16/08 at 7:29 am
Cassie said:
not usually friends BEFORE we date, I make friends with them whilst dating them, and yeah I do miss the friendship, but not the headaches associated with them, so therefore I let them be….totally!!
There is only one guy I have dated that I still remain in contact with and that is only b/c he is my brother-in-law’s best friend!!!
On 09/16/08 at 8:13 am
Karri said:
Well here’s another one for you to ponder…do you think that you would have dated these fellas had you been friends with them first?
Feel free to tell me it’s none of my business at any time…ha!
On 09/16/08 at 8:23 am
Dr. Joker said:
I’m not friends with most of my exes, regardless if they were my friend or not prior to the relationship. Most relationships, platonic or not, are based on trust. Intimate relationships based on a greater level of trust than platonic ones….but based on trust nonetheless. Once that trust is broken, that isn’t a person I want to consider part of my circle of friends. If I’ve been lied to, deceived or mislead….I pretty much write that person off and learn from the experience.
On 09/16/08 at 8:29 am
Karri said:
What if there was no betrayal, but simply a lack of compatibility?
On 09/16/08 at 9:32 am
Dr. Joker said:
This happened to me in high school. My best friend was a girl. We hung out all the time, talked on the phone for hours. Then, we made the mistake of trying to date. She fell for me but I didn’t feel the same for her. We were never friends again because it sucked. Reason being our age (immaturity) and the fact it was a one sided deal. I think it was a little uncomfortable for me that she felt that strongly for me. I couldn’t get over that.
So, yes. If no compatability exists, and you both feel that way then yes…you can still be friends. But, if one person still has those feelings…that’s a tough one. Those feelings don’t just go away….
Like herpes or Circuit City credit card collection agencies.
On 09/16/08 at 1:30 pm
Karri said:
Next time the collection agency rings just tell them that you need a little Distance Therapy!
On 09/16/08 at 9:41 am
Cassie said:
no…I would NEVER date a close guy friend!!
EVER…why? b/c I LIKE them in my life and wouldn’t ever want to loose that!! There have been a couple that made me want to rethink that hard line, but none as of yet that were able to get me to cross it!!!
now, if the guy was an acquaintance, rather than a friend…it has happened before!! LOL AND, seriously, none of my guy friends would want to date me…they know all the scary stuff GOING into it!!! LOL Plus, dating one of them would be like dating a brother and …EWWWWWW
On 09/16/08 at 1:32 pm
Karri said:
Good thinkin’…nothing good ever comes out of incest!
On 09/16/08 at 5:37 am
cigar smoking lawyer said:
I find it is easier to change jobs, phone numbers and move. That way there is no drama, no mess. They will get over it.
On 09/16/08 at 6:55 am
Karri said:
Do you pay annual dues to the ex-protection program?
On 09/16/08 at 5:50 am
pecosa said:
I’m still trying to get a divorce. He wants to be friends. I would be all for it since we have kids together, but the man is psychotic. I know at one point I loved him, but now he’s not good enought to be one of my friends. I don’t keep cancerous people in my circle and that’s exactly what he is. Ok, venting over. lol
On 09/16/08 at 7:07 am
Karri said:
You can vent whenever you like, m’dear!
I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to attempt some sort of cordial relationship with an ex when you have to because there are whipper-snappers involved. That’s a whole lotta’ pressure.
On 09/16/08 at 8:24 am
Dr. Joker said:
What are you doing Saturday night, Pecosa? Would you like to be my potential ex-girlfriend?
On 09/16/08 at 1:11 pm
pecosa said:
Saturday night, huh? let me check my calendar…
On 09/16/08 at 9:59 pm
Dr. Joker said:
(rubbing hands together feverishly) Excellent! I can now fill my quota of rejection for this month.
On 09/16/08 at 6:14 am
Kiki said:
I think sometimes it’s too hard to remain friends with an ex. I mean, you do have a higher level of intimacy and relating as lovers than friends, and to go several rungs back down the ladder once it’s over can be hard to both achieve and accept.
With one of my ex’s, he’s still in my life, he is constantly talking about getting back together, he won’t accept I have my own life over here, and it can get frustrating as we broke up 7 years ago!!!! But, generally he is a good person, a nice person and I think as we still relate pretty well and get good life advice etc from each other, he’s a valuable person to keep in my life. I just fade out when he starts on the “well you know what we SHOULD do…” conversations!
Another ex, the one I nearly married… that’s another story. We had a marathon 9 hour break up conversation and I have no idea what he did after that or where he is now. It would not have been realistic to expect us to remain friends, I mean I broke his heart into a trillion pieces. I could not have expected him to bounce right back up and say “ok then lets hang out and just be mates”!
I don’t think friendship is really an ideal situation post-break up. It’s a noble thought, but in reality I agree with whoever said it’s just a way to hang onto that person and not fully deal with what has happened. Sometimes you might be better friends than lovers but how do you both resolve the history leading to the break up?
On 09/16/08 at 8:20 am
Karri said:
“but how do you both resolve the history leading to the break up?”
One of you flies 3000 miles across the country and you spend an entire week together hashing out every minute of your relationship. The who, what, where, when and why’s of it all. I won’t say it’s easy, but if that person is worth having in your life, it’s more than worth the effort!
That being said, both parties must be on the same page and trying to achieve the same goal. If one person (like your ex) is still pining it’s not a genuine friendship…ya know?
On 09/16/08 at 9:03 am
Kiki said:
Been there done that got the t-shirt.
We muddle through as we both feel there is inherent value to us doing so. Neither of us is perfect and we broke up for that reason. So now we accept one another as genuinely likable people, we laugh, have rows, run ideas past each other, support each other or criticise when it’s due. And it works for us. He pines. I humour him. We both know we will never get back together (although he does persist in asking) and so we just muddle on. If it ever became a strain to do so, or I got fed up, or if he got fed up, then it would just fall by the wayside.
But the thing with friendships is that they are a different entity altogether than a relationship. I put more effort into my long term friends than I have any bloke. Mainly because until that bloke becomes a truly committed partner, through longevity or engagement or moving in together etc, he still might not remain a permanent fixture in my life. Whereas my friendships are like my tentpoles. I treasure them as without them I can’t hold the tent up. And a collapsed tent is a fucker to deal with.
On 09/16/08 at 9:20 am
Karri said:
If you ever get truly fed up, I’ll send you my t-shirt that says exactly that…”Fed Up (like the Fed Ex logo) with men” I bought it mid-divorce and wore it proudly.
My inner circle is my chosen family. They are a very select group and I couldn’t do life without them! I love your tent analogy!!
On 09/16/08 at 9:34 am
Kiki said:
LOL I love that t-shirt! Do they do one that says “Fed Up with Life”???!!!
I heart my inner circle. I know that they are the only ones I can call at 10pm my time and they won’t give a shit that its 3am their time. I have some pretty darned good friends over here now too. Friends really do rock.
On 09/16/08 at 1:40 pm
Karri said:
I can’t find one. Perhaps Eve needs to add that to the collection o’ goodies at Cafe Press.
On 09/16/08 at 5:23 pm
Kiki said:
Along with the old classic “I’m with stupid —->”
On 09/16/08 at 10:02 pm
Dr. Joker said:
Do they make one that says “I’m with stupid” and the arrow pointing to the genital region?
I’d like to buy it…uh…for a cousin in Canada.
On 09/17/08 at 2:01 am
kiki said:
That would be even better!!!!!!
I have a friend who prints tshirts. Hmmmmm. I see a hastily drawn up business plan in my future. How much of a cut d’ya want??!!
On 09/17/08 at 1:22 am
The other Tori said:
With one of my ex’s, he’s still in my life, he is constantly talking about getting back together, he won’t accept I have my own life over here, and it can get frustrating as we broke up 7 years ago!!!! But, generally he is a good person, a nice person and I think as we still relate pretty well and get good life advice etc from each other, he’s a valuable person to keep in my life. I just fade out when he starts on the “well you know what we SHOULD do…” conversations!
************
WOW…I’m happy to know someone else is going thru this too!! One of my ex’s and I broke up over 10 1/2 years ago and he still does this! He just recently told me he is glad I haven’t been dating because he said he thinks we both should grow old together but ALONE! Yeah, that one floored me. He never used to ask if I was dating, now he askes all the time. Meanwhile, he is dating and also has a girlfriend (he dates her..breaks up with her..dates others..gets back together with her..this has been for hmmm over 8 years now…) We were being just friends but he kept trying to bring it back to a romantic/sexual relationship so then I started saying NO to all requests he makes to hang out together,I never initate a phone call, etc.. (most of our conversations are now via IM or email which he initiates and I barely reply except to be brief and when I have to for some reason). Oh yes I HAVE stated very very bluntly how I feel and where i feel we stand with each other NUMEROUS times ~~he doesn’t get it (thus why i started the “distance therapy” {PS: LOVE that term!!}
So my opinion about friendship with an ex is that it definately depends on the ex
I could write more about this but this comment is long enough yikes…Sorry!
On 09/16/08 at 6:42 am
mbruce said:
Last gal I dated, for over a year, all of a sudden told me she deserved to be married again ( we were both divorced with kids the same age, exes had re-married, custody schedule was the same) and that “factors” put me out of that goal. Some life coach had put her on that track. I said, fine, OK, but she kept calling, emailing, telling me things like ” That was one of the best years of my life, sorry I let you down” I finally had to put the hammer down and sent her a scathing email to tell her to knock it off, the “dumper” really does not get to keep saying those things to the “dumpee” I did do the “You made me realize that I should not be dating anyway” maneuver ,but it worked, haven’t heard from her in six weeks. Thank God.
On 09/16/08 at 8:23 am