Bursting another fantasy bubble…
June 27, 2008 · Print This Article
Lesbians.
It has come to my attention that lesbians get people riled up. Well, they get men riled up, because who doesn’t like to see some hot girl-on-girl action? Okay, maybe they just get me all hot and bothered…or they did, until of course I had the chance to see many a lesbian couple in real life. For the most part, they are not clones of Jenna Jameson, Janine, or Chasey Lain, all itching to start fingering each other and licking their fingers at whichever red light they may come to in their ‘65 Mustang convertible after all.
No, I have come to realize that most lesbians are normal women. And some are downright scary.
It is these scary ones that have made me realize that I am perfectly fine with homosexuality. I have no homophobia, no prejudice against sexual preference or orientation. Whatever you choose to do behind closed doors, as two consenting adults, is fine with me. I may not choose to partake, but you have my blessing. Enjoy. I am also “enlightened” enough to know that homosexuality is not a choice.
At least, it is not a choice for anyone except hot late-teen to mid-twenties girls that have had shitty relationships in the past. These are the people that “experimentation” seems to happen to, because it doesn’t seem to happen anywhere in real life except on the DVD’s I keep in the bottom drawer of my armoire.
These are the girls that are exploited by the scary-looking lesbians. They’re tricked into forgoing the dick… for a time, at least. In emotionally vulnerable states, and often away from home for the first time at college, these impressionable young girls somehow get befriended by the visually-impaired; they are duped into thinking that “she truly understands me,” and that the first time that her friend kisses her and slides her fingers into the holiest of holeys it’s not too bad… because hey, they’re connected, right?
Sounds like a page ripped right out of my horny, hormone-filled teenage years. Except I was never slick enough to pull moves like these off. (I’m still not.)
But I leave you with a thought. A television show I’m pitching, so to speak. Imagine a reality show kind of like “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila,” except all of the contestants are the type of lesbians that look like men. The winner is the one that is unattractive enough not to be chosen by any of the other contestants… and she gets to be Rosie O’Donnell’s love slave.
If this offends you, perhaps I have not heaped on the sarcasm enough. Read it again very slowly, then get the fuck over yourself.
The charming, lovable and politically (in)correct Vic lives in sunny Florida. When he isn’t fixing teeth or molesting his woman, you can find him here.
On 06/27/08 at 1:11 am
Carol said:
*snort* Totally get the sarcasm, Vic. I should have known you were guest writing when I noticed the missed call. Nice to know you thought of me when you titled this, too. What a better way to catch up with you than to discuss lesbians, sex and guest writing on Eve! Great job. Signed: One never tricked to forgoing dick.
On 06/27/08 at 9:10 am
Vic said:
Hell, I didn’t know this was coming up today. I just tried to call you and check in. Coincidence…
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Replied, guy who always forgoes the cock.
On 06/27/08 at 10:36 am
Carol said:
Yet you failed to even give mention to the two-finger rule you have preached? For shame!
On 06/27/08 at 4:16 pm
Vic said:
I thought that was a forgone conclusion considering I always forgo the cock.
On 06/27/08 at 7:09 am
Meghan said:
I’m fine with homosexuality. Who gives a shit. I went to see Chris Rock a few weeks ago, and it was on the same night as the Huge Pride parade in Boston. These were NOT the lipstick lesbian of late night Cinemax Soft Core Porn.
Me and my female friend had to walk through it all - and even though we are 2 straight chicks, we became a lesbian couple by default! I thought it was hysterical!! Older couples who weren’t aware they were visiting Boston during pride week just gawked at us ladies in both awe and embarrassment.
I tried to talk my friend into holding hands just to fuck with people but she didn’t get MY sarcasm.
On 06/27/08 at 7:54 am
Karri said:
I LOVE PRIDE…it’s better than Disneyland!
On 06/27/08 at 8:49 am
Meghan said:
I wish I had seen more of it.
We were on a taxi ride into the theater district and I didn’t know it was Pride. I did notice an astounding number of gays and lesbian walking around so I turned to my friend and asked
“What is this a fuckin’ Pride Parade?”
Then we passed City Hall and saw the huge rainbow balloon structures and giant concert screens.
It was a fuckin’ Pride parade!! LOL
On 06/27/08 at 8:51 am
Meghan said:
Oh - and the Theater we saw Chris Rock in, is called
The Wang Center (no lie)!! If I had a dollar for Homosexual who took their picture next to the Wang sign I’d be filthy rich!!
On 06/27/08 at 9:16 am
Vic said:
I swear to God, I once ate in a restaurant in NYC’s Chinatown called, “The Big Wong.”
On 06/27/08 at 4:25 pm
Meghan said:
I believe you!
This is off topic BUT…
I was home for X-mas in Michigan and they have a local Grocery Store called Feldpausch. Only half of the giant neon red letters were out so it only spelled ‘FELCH’!!!!
I about died, and couldn’t even tell my dad why I thought it was so funny…ewwwww!
On 06/27/08 at 5:26 pm
Vic said:
Isn’t there supposed to be a “t” in “feltch?”
On 06/27/08 at 5:43 pm
Meghan said:
It goes by both spellings on Urban Dict.
Not that the finer details matter at that point…
On 06/28/08 at 6:36 am
Vic said:
“A rose by any other name…”
On 06/27/08 at 9:11 am
Vic said:
But not as fun as Disney World during gay weekend…
Don’t ask.
On 06/27/08 at 9:10 am
Vic said:
I have huge pride… or is it pride in being huge?
On 06/27/08 at 7:32 am
Cassie said:
BAD VISUALS, MAN….Bad Visuals!! LOL
Carol, you trip me out…”Signed:One never tricked to forgoing dick.”<—-that had me rolling!!!!!
Not into lesbians, but don’t begrudge them anything!! LOL
On 06/27/08 at 7:44 am
Carol said:
I know, in part, why you are laughing so hard, Cassie. But, hell yes, you know I will NEVER give up the real thing IN MY C!!!
On 06/27/08 at 7:55 am
Karri said:
Oh you silly girls and your girl on girl…errrr…I mean girl’s weekends…ha!!!
On 06/27/08 at 9:17 am
Vic said:
I’m pissed no one sent me pictures. Suuuuure, they drunk dial me, but no boobie pics sent to my phone.
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Whores.
On 06/27/08 at 10:39 am
Carol said:
Vic, there are pictures of almost every woman at my house that weekend kissing my naked ass…complete with red handprints from where they spanked me. If I get very generous in my thoughts today, I may send one to………………………………..Sarah. The one you would likely enjoy the most is the one of Ms.Chrissa kissing my ass with her hand right by her lips. Visualize.Visualize. Visualize. yeah…won’t be sending that one.
On 06/27/08 at 4:27 pm
Vic said:
Visualizing… is that beaver I see with you bending over?
On 06/27/08 at 8:05 am
Jime said:
I’ve never had a problem with lesbians or gays or bisexual people…unless they also happen to be an asshole (which any person of any gender or sexual orientation can be). Perhaps my lack of prejudice stems from the fact that I’ve lived in the SF bay area for the larger part of my life. Even though I was raised Catholic and went to private school, this area drills the mentality that everybody has a right to choose, a mentality which I wholly support.
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Besides, some of my friends are gay and a few of the most talented women I’ve worked with are lesbian so I’d have to be a total hypocrite to be a bigot on this issue.
On 06/27/08 at 9:13 am
Vic said:
I, too, am asshole-a-phobic.
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I still remember the first time I met a real live gay person. I thought he was cool. And then I found out he was gay. So what? He was still cool.
On 06/27/08 at 8:07 am
Tori said:
I have never been “tricked” into giving up dick, but I have enjoyed the vagina a time or two. I always thought that I would be with whoever I fell in love with, regardless of gender. I’ve just never fallen in love with a woman - one was married, one was/is much too aggressive, and the timing was never right with the one I really liked. On a side note, the aggressive girl sure did sleep with my sister a couple of weeks ago. That weirded me out big time, especially since my sister, while appreciative of a beautiful woman, is very not gay.
On 06/27/08 at 9:14 am
Vic said:
She was tricked!
On 06/27/08 at 10:35 am
Cassie said:
HAHAHAHAHAH
Good point, Vic!!!
ahahahahahaha
On 06/27/08 at 9:06 am
lisaq said:
Had my experimentation round a couple of years ago. It was aight, but not so out of the park that I’d switch teams.
That being said I attended a Melissa Etheridge concert a few years ago that would definitely put all those girl-on-girl fantasies to rest. Holy Crap!
On 06/27/08 at 9:15 am
Vic said:
If Melissa Etheridge was banging Rosie O’Donnell… who would be dominant? Who would be more unattractive?
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Who isn’t puking thinking about it?
On 06/27/08 at 9:55 am
Carlene said:
I have been a witness to some very hot girl-on-girl group action at a party once. And then a vortex came and swallowed them up before they were finished, much to everyones disappointment. I realize I will probably never see anything like that ever again. All 4 of them were pretty darn hot.
Personally I think at least one of them if not 3 of the 4 got involved in it because her boyfriend wanted her to.
On 06/27/08 at 4:29 pm
Vic said:
Keep describing, I’m almost there… almost there…
On 06/27/08 at 10:49 am
Missygail said:
I used to think that seeing woman on woman action turned me on. As such my visuals were only cinemax. The recently I went out with a lady who was bi, she came long with friends who also insisted they were bi.
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Another friend and I had to state and restate our straightness to not be pulled into the craziness.
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These women were not lipstick wearing Lesbians, nor where they that scary…. but they were all over everyone and anyone that would allow them. Kissing on men and on women… anything they could get their hands on.
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It was a mess.
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It took seeing all that to know I’m as straight as a damn arrow.
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I think some bi women give lesbians a bad name.
On 06/27/08 at 4:32 pm
Vic said:
There are bad apples that spoil every bunch. Those posers should go around giving blowjobs to all the guys in the bar and prove how into women they are by spitting out the loads on the floor saying “icky.”
On 06/27/08 at 7:01 pm
AALV said:
That might quite possibly be the funniest thing you’ve ever said.
On 06/27/08 at 10:59 am
Danae Microkini said:
OMG, you got that SO right! And so very un-PC that I’m sure the thought police will soon come banging down your door.
On 06/27/08 at 4:33 pm
Vic said:
For this blog? Hell, it’s one of my tamer ones!
On 07/5/08 at 9:39 pm
outragedman said:
I loved this blog entry! Funny and so true! Hahaha!
Superjabs on myspace wrote a similar blog a few months ago.
http://outragedman.blogspot.com
On 07/7/08 at 2:10 pm
Johnny said:
OMG! Talk about bursting my bubble. You mean they’re not all lip-stick lesbians who look like “…Jenna Jameson, Janine, or Chasey Lain, all itching to start fingering each other…”?! This is my favorite fantasy. Stop what you’re doing here! It may permanently damage my psyche!
On 07/15/08 at 11:51 am
godem said:
Happy bithday