Kinda always knew she’d end up your ex-friend with benefits

Dear Eve,

I hooked up with this chick at work a few times, and it was completely a friends with benefits type thing. Now she is calling me 24/7, showing up everywhere she knows I hang out, and telling everyone we’re together. She is like a walking girlfriend trap. What do I do?

Signed, Avoiding the Trap

Dear Avoidance,

You seem to have gotten yourself involved with a perplexing breed of girl; the type who equate sex with love. She cannot help it, she is not evolved. She most likely believes it is her womanly duty to settle down and mate with you. You probably give great pheromone.

But wait…something tells me you are not so innocent yourself.  Were you honest and upfront from the very beginning with this little lass?  Did you tell her this was strictly a casual sex type thing? I bet you didn’t. I am willing to wager that you have you simply been hooking up with the wee miss without explaining the parameters of the affair. You either assumed she was down with stand alone sex because that is what you yourself wanted, or you just didn’t care. Tsk, tsk.

Look, I know it’s difficult to imagine, but some people still believe in that old fashioned relationship stuff. If you weren’t clear on the fact that you were just in this for sexual gratification, she may be thinking she’s going to win you over eventually.  And if you are hanging out with her, going places with her, etc, you are only further complicating the situation.  That’s just rude.

You two just aren’t in it for the same reasons. Therefore, to continue down the road with her at this point would be leading her on or worse, using her at the expense of her feelings.  Besides, it is also going to end up costing you…this is a co-worker! Do you want to set yourself up for chaos and drama in the workplace? I think even Abercrombie or Starbucks or wherever the hell your picking up your condom money is going to frown upon that kind of nonsense.  And most likely she IS going to grow more and more needy and attached as time goes on. The world does not need another rabbit boiler…you need to nip this.

If you are into casual dating and casual sex, more power to you. I am certainly not condemning you for that. But you and I both know that this girl is not. I don’t care how good the sex is, end it and go find yourself an easier going “friend”, one that you EXPLAIN the parameters to pre-sex! Do it now,  before this one burns you in effigy on your front lawn.

Love and Kisses,

Eve

When a friends with benefits scenario is one-sided, who is to blame?  Should he have explained?  Should she have not assumed?  Or is the guilty even shared, socialist style?  Have any of you been in a similar scenario?  How did you handle it?

Should he dine or dash?

My ex and I went out for two and a half years, and we have been broken up for two years now. We had a pretty bad break-up and only texted each other once every couple of months. A couple of week’s back she asked me out for dinner, we went out and just talked. We have been out together a couple more times and we just talk. We talk about everything but our past relationship. I am not sure what she is after. Could it be she wants me back or just wants to see how I am doing?

Eve’s insight would be helpful,
Befuddled in Baltimore

Dearest Befuddled,

Whoever coined the term “exes are exes for a reason” was no dumb! Might I suggest you get that sentiment permanently marked on your forehead as a constant reminder?

Considering your current circumstances and without the specific details of your “bad break-up” I can only assume that lack of communication played a major role in the demise of your coupledom. Perhaps your ex-GF has seen the errors of her ways, perhaps she’s reminiscing about the good ‘ol days, perhaps she’s just lonely and wants to drag you back into her lair…I don’t know, and neither will you until you man up and just ask her!

That being said, you need to be prepared for her answer. Since you accepted her offer to share a meal, is that all you want? Are you willing and able to forgive and forget in an attempt to rekindle your love affair? If not, are you capable of just being friends with the woman you once shared post coital bliss with? If you opt for the first choice you can’t move forward until you fix what was once broken. Beating around the bush and chatting about the weather as opposed to why you kicked her dog isn’t going to wipe the slate clean and give the two of you a Downy fresh new start. Suck it up and spill it…air your dirty laundry before the two of you start making new messes to clean up.

Being somewhat of anomaly, I wholeheartedly believe in remaining friends with exes. And although the two of you have passed the Distance Therapy portion of your relationship, that doesn’t mean its time to reconnect on a deeper or more intimate level. So take you time, objectively asses the situation and make a concise decision based on where you are today not where you wish you would’ve been two years ago!

Oh, and P.S.

If she stole from you, has serious mental health issues or slept with brother…get your balls out of her purse and stop getting sucked back into destructive old patterns. Otherwise…good luck with all of that, we’ll be praying for you.

KISSKISS
LOVELOVE,
Eve

What would you do if you were in Befuddled’s shoes? Would you entertain the notion of a reconciliation or would you define platonic boundaries? Have you ever gone back after a break-up hiatus and how did that work out for you?

He’s got two lovers, should he be ashamed?

Dear Eve,

I cannot stop cheating on my current girlfriend with my ex. I don’t even want to do it, sneaking around is a pain in the butt, and the sex with my girl is better anyway. Plus I do love her and I don’t want to hurt her. But when my ex calls I can’t say no. She has this way of making me feel bad and making me give in. What should I do?

Signed, Can’t stop letting her ride

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Diamond in the rough

Dear Eve,
I went to pick up my two boys from their dad’s about a month ago and noticed that my ex- husband’s new girlfriend had my wedding band on. I thought I had lost it, but apparently he decided to take it with out telling me when we split up.  Do you think I should tell him to give it back and let her know she’s wearing my old wedding band?

Thanks for your help,
Diamond in Distress

Dear Diamond,

Honestly, who’s the bigger dumb in this conundrum…your ex-husband, or his new girlfriend who accepted a wedding band as a token of his affection?! I can only assume that they aren’t actually engaged since you did refer to her as his girlfriend and not fiancé, so why in the name of all that was once holy, would she allow her digit to be sending the wrong message? Is he trying so hard to impress his new lady friend that he’s convinced himself that stealing and re-gifting is acceptable? (Which, by the way…it is not!)

Wedding bands are sacred symbols of love and unity. They represent an infinite commitment to your beloved and should be treated with respect, not like a prize at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box! Even though your marriage didn’t stand the test of time, that ring will always represent what once was. Some people may argue the fact that it should be your ex-husbands to keep…I say, hell no! You made a commitment, you took vows and the ring was bestowed upon you, period end of story!

Whatever the reasons may be that your marriage succumbed to divorce that doesn’t excuse the fact that your ex stole your personal property. Not that it would do you any good to throw his sticky fingers in the slammer for grand theft, but at the very least you should be in possession of what is rightfully yours. And let us not forget about the chicky wearing your marital leftovers…she has the right to know that not only is she being served up your sloppy seconds, but she’s also flaunting stolen goods.

Here’s a suggested plan of attack…the next time you are in their presence, conjure up your best poker face sans emotion and simply look and point at her finger and say “oh, there’s my ring, I guess I didn’t lose it after all.” Then, look her straight in the eye, hold at your hand and say “do you mind?” Once you have the bling in your pocket, drive straight to your favorite jeweler and trade it in for something pretty, shiny and new. On your way home, stop and celebrate with your girlfriends that you are no longer married to a thief!

What say you, folks? Do you think a woman is obligated to give back her wedding ring once the divorce papers are signed? Should Diamond in Distress dismiss her ex-husbands character flaws and let his new girlfriend live in ignorance? Or do you think she has the right to know that her boyfriend is a loser?

Giving new meaning to “till death do us part?”

Dear Eve,

I am dating the sweetest, funniest, greatest guy in the world. I have seriously never been more into a guy. But there is a major problem in our relationship. He is married, and lives with his wife. It’s not what it sounds like, they aren’t together anymore, and she is dating too, and she knows about me. He says they haven’t separated or divorced for financial reasons. I have never been comfortable with it, but now that we have been together for six months and there is still no change in sight I am getting a little upset. It is hard for me to take it all seriously when he doesn’t seem to be putting getting away from the wife seriously! I try to talk to him and he says to be patient with him. Well, I think my patience is running out. I want to marry him, and he says he does me too…but can take it all seriously? What should I do? I hate this situation but I am afraid to lose him.

Sincerely,

Polly-anonymous

Dear Polly-non-polygamy,

Can you take talk of marriage from a guy who is still married and LIVING WITH THE WIFE seriously? That question is so ridiculous that I am going to pretend you didn’t ask it. Let’s move on to the rest of your issue.

If this guy is the “greatest guy in the world” I worry about the dating pool in your area. He may be sweet, and he may be funny, but you have been dating him for six months…six months in which he has still not moved out of the home he shares with a woman who is STILL his wife. Honey, unless this guy is jobless and broke (which brings on a different set of reasons why he might not be “the greatest”) there is no reason why they should not be at least legally separated…and living apart. He is either lazy or moving on is just not a top priority. Neither of these scenarios bode well for your future with him.

I don’t know the guy, so I cannot begin to try and accurately assess whether or not he is truly over his wife and ready to be in a serious relationship with you. But honestly, marriages aren’t usually something you get over in a rapid fashion. And I find it difficult to imagine that he is getting over it completely while still sharing the old marital home with the woman he took to be his lawfully wedded wife. Perhaps they are just friends helping each other out in a mutual financial bind. But here’s the thing, cookie. A new relationship is a challenge in the best of circumstances. Do you really want to start one with this massive of a handicap?

Look, you wrote here…so you have your doubts already. He keeps telling you to be patient but like you said, the fortitude well hath run dry. So if you wish, give him one more chance to do right by you and tell him you need a date set in which he can be moved out and separated from his wife. Tell him you to see him taking steps in that direction. Because otherwise you could be setting yourself up for an indefinite amount of time spent engaging in a threesome…and this kind of threesome just isn’t sexy or fun. Do you want to spend the next six months trying to have sex down the hall from the woman your boyfriend promised to love and cherish as long as they both shall live?

Bottom line? If it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t. This scenario might not bother some, but it does you. Be honest with him, be honest with yourself, and walk away if you need to. There are other sweet, funny great guys out there, ones with much less complicated living situations.

Love and kisses,

Eve

What do you all think? Should she stay and wait for the reluctant-to-divorce fella? Is he too good to let go, or should she be strong and move on? What is a reasonable amount of time to stay married and living together when your marriage is over? Should you seriously date (and drop marriage proposals?!) during that time?

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