Diamond in the rough

Dear Eve,
I went to pick up my two boys from their dad’s about a month ago and noticed that my ex- husband’s new girlfriend had my wedding band on. I thought I had lost it, but apparently he decided to take it with out telling me when we split up.  Do you think I should tell him to give it back and let her know she’s wearing my old wedding band?

Thanks for your help,
Diamond in Distress

Dear Diamond,

Honestly, who’s the bigger dumb in this conundrum…your ex-husband, or his new girlfriend who accepted a wedding band as a token of his affection?! I can only assume that they aren’t actually engaged since you did refer to her as his girlfriend and not fiancé, so why in the name of all that was once holy, would she allow her digit to be sending the wrong message? Is he trying so hard to impress his new lady friend that he’s convinced himself that stealing and re-gifting is acceptable? (Which, by the way…it is not!)

Wedding bands are sacred symbols of love and unity. They represent an infinite commitment to your beloved and should be treated with respect, not like a prize at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box! Even though your marriage didn’t stand the test of time, that ring will always represent what once was. Some people may argue the fact that it should be your ex-husbands to keep…I say, hell no! You made a commitment, you took vows and the ring was bestowed upon you, period end of story!

Whatever the reasons may be that your marriage succumbed to divorce that doesn’t excuse the fact that your ex stole your personal property. Not that it would do you any good to throw his sticky fingers in the slammer for grand theft, but at the very least you should be in possession of what is rightfully yours. And let us not forget about the chicky wearing your marital leftovers…she has the right to know that not only is she being served up your sloppy seconds, but she’s also flaunting stolen goods.

Here’s a suggested plan of attack…the next time you are in their presence, conjure up your best poker face sans emotion and simply look and point at her finger and say “oh, there’s my ring, I guess I didn’t lose it after all.” Then, look her straight in the eye, hold at your hand and say “do you mind?” Once you have the bling in your pocket, drive straight to your favorite jeweler and trade it in for something pretty, shiny and new. On your way home, stop and celebrate with your girlfriends that you are no longer married to a thief!

What say you, folks? Do you think a woman is obligated to give back her wedding ring once the divorce papers are signed? Should Diamond in Distress dismiss her ex-husbands character flaws and let his new girlfriend live in ignorance? Or do you think she has the right to know that her boyfriend is a loser?

Giving new meaning to “till death do us part?”

Dear Eve,

I am dating the sweetest, funniest, greatest guy in the world. I have seriously never been more into a guy. But there is a major problem in our relationship. He is married, and lives with his wife. It’s not what it sounds like, they aren’t together anymore, and she is dating too, and she knows about me. He says they haven’t separated or divorced for financial reasons. I have never been comfortable with it, but now that we have been together for six months and there is still no change in sight I am getting a little upset. It is hard for me to take it all seriously when he doesn’t seem to be putting getting away from the wife seriously! I try to talk to him and he says to be patient with him. Well, I think my patience is running out. I want to marry him, and he says he does me too…but can take it all seriously? What should I do? I hate this situation but I am afraid to lose him.

Sincerely,

Polly-anonymous

Dear Polly-non-polygamy,

Can you take talk of marriage from a guy who is still married and LIVING WITH THE WIFE seriously? That question is so ridiculous that I am going to pretend you didn’t ask it. Let’s move on to the rest of your issue.

If this guy is the “greatest guy in the world” I worry about the dating pool in your area. He may be sweet, and he may be funny, but you have been dating him for six months…six months in which he has still not moved out of the home he shares with a woman who is STILL his wife. Honey, unless this guy is jobless and broke (which brings on a different set of reasons why he might not be “the greatest”) there is no reason why they should not be at least legally separated…and living apart. He is either lazy or moving on is just not a top priority. Neither of these scenarios bode well for your future with him.

I don’t know the guy, so I cannot begin to try and accurately assess whether or not he is truly over his wife and ready to be in a serious relationship with you. But honestly, marriages aren’t usually something you get over in a rapid fashion. And I find it difficult to imagine that he is getting over it completely while still sharing the old marital home with the woman he took to be his lawfully wedded wife. Perhaps they are just friends helping each other out in a mutual financial bind. But here’s the thing, cookie. A new relationship is a challenge in the best of circumstances. Do you really want to start one with this massive of a handicap?

Look, you wrote here…so you have your doubts already. He keeps telling you to be patient but like you said, the fortitude well hath run dry. So if you wish, give him one more chance to do right by you and tell him you need a date set in which he can be moved out and separated from his wife. Tell him you to see him taking steps in that direction. Because otherwise you could be setting yourself up for an indefinite amount of time spent engaging in a threesome…and this kind of threesome just isn’t sexy or fun. Do you want to spend the next six months trying to have sex down the hall from the woman your boyfriend promised to love and cherish as long as they both shall live?

Bottom line? If it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t. This scenario might not bother some, but it does you. Be honest with him, be honest with yourself, and walk away if you need to. There are other sweet, funny great guys out there, ones with much less complicated living situations.

Love and kisses,

Eve

What do you all think? Should she stay and wait for the reluctant-to-divorce fella? Is he too good to let go, or should she be strong and move on? What is a reasonable amount of time to stay married and living together when your marriage is over? Should you seriously date (and drop marriage proposals?!) during that time?

Across the Racial Divide

Dear Eve,

A few weeks ago while attending a fundraiser I met an incredible man; he’s articulate, successful, handsome and we share many of the same view points and passions. We’ve made plans to have dinner next week, and while I am looking forward to spending more time with him I have one major concern and that is, he’s black and I’m white. My family is very conservative and I’m afraid of the fallout if they were to find out that I was dating Interracially. I really am attracted to this man, but I don’t know what to do.

Eve, should I cancel dinner and forget about him or risk losing my family?

Sincerely,
Anglo in Angst

Dear Ivory,

It’s safe to assume we know who your family will be voting for come November, eh? I suppose equal rights for gays and lesbians are out of the question also, aren’t they?  My sincerest condolences, muffin!

Now, as for your dilemma…you’re a big girl, attending fundraisers, hobnobbing with do-gooders and whatnot, so where is this lack of self-assurance coming from? If you can mingle with power players you should most certainly have the skills to finesse your elders. Granted, it’s a sad fact that racism still exists in this day and age, but if you believe its wrong then why on earth would you succumb to archaic belief systems? Are you truly fearful of being ostracized and losing your trust fund? Or, are you fighting the idiocy that has been deeply ingrained in your subconscious?

Listen, Sweat Pea, before you go and pull the trigger on your Daddy’s shotgun, take a deep breath and relax for a moment. Who’s to say that your impending filet mignon and merlot candlelit supper with Mr. Wonderful will proceed any further than dessert? Be patient…take some time to get to know him before alerting your gene pool to head for the bunker. Meanwhile, if you find that you fancy your potential new love interest, drop his name in conversation, talk about him…who he is, what he does, why you like him. Let your rigid minded loved ones learn to like him sans race, color or creed. With any luck, they’ll go color blind and you’ll have worried your pretty little head all for nothing.

I won’t for a moment negate the fact that you have an uphill battle ahead of you if you decide to traverse the Interracial dating trail. However, there is absolutely no reason that you should forgo your own happiness simply because others don’t agree. Bear in mind that you will face challenges that will appall you, but if he’s the one you can’t let a little melanin stand in your way!

KISS-KISS
LOVE-LOVE,
Eve

Have you ventured across the great racial divide? If not, would your family’s beliefs prevent you from doing so? Do you think Anglo in Angst should throw caution to the wind or retreat and not look back?

Leashing the Beast

Dear Eve,

I am hoping that you can solve a little family dispute for me. My sister-in-law and I got into a pretty bitter disagreement recently over the use of leashes on children. It all began when we went to the county fair about a month ago, she had her four year old son on one of those things the entire time! He looked like a sad little puppy as he watched all the other kids running around, having fun. They only time she let him off was to go on a pony ride, and even then she followed him around the loop with one hand on him even though he was strapped in! When I asked her if he’s always on a leash she got angry and said that I should have my daughter on one myself because she is prone to wandering off and the way I parent I might end up losing her. I was livid, but it’s my husband’s sister so I kept silent for the rest of the day.

I had pretty much decided to let it go when a package came to my house last week and what did it have in it? A child’s leash! She had it sent to me, with a note that said “Because I love her.” I am so angry and no one in my family understands why. My husband just says that’s how she is, stop overreacting. Am I overreacting? And what do you (and your readers) think of child leashes?

Thank you,

Freedom mommy

Dear Free-mommin’

Parenting is such an interesting job, isn’t it? For the most part we are left with gray area. There are a few black and white’s: Feed them. Clothe them. Love them. Don’t kill them. We (sane) parents understand and can agree on those basics. But beyond all that, well, things start to get tricky.

Was I a “leashing mother?” No. Does that mean I think anyone who uses those contraptions is a BAD mother? No. While I do not personally agree with them, I can also understand that the parents that do utilize them are most likely well-intentioned. I don’t think they are used maliciously. Much like your sister up there, I think a lot of parents use them out of fear or protectiveness. They seem to be the hover-mothers best friend.

Personally, I am of a different school of thought. I believe my most important job is to teach my kids how to be successful members of society. And in our society we don’t walk people around on leashes. Instead, we must learn not to wander off alone in groups, we learn not to dart out into the street; we learn how to be safe in an unsafe world. Just today as I started to cross a parking lot with my own four year I put down my hand, he grabbed it and we walked. It was all on reflex, that’s simply what we do.

Now anyone that knows my littlest knows that this is an active child. He is a high spirited, high energy kid, and fast, so so fast! He is the kind of kid that needs the time and space to sometimes run free. However, he knows not to dart out, he knows not wander off. Did it take time to teach him? Sure. But whether we do this at 2 or 4 or older, teach them we must. For my family I decided the sooner the better. I am sure there are many out there that don’t agree with me. That’s okay too. we all have our own way.

I understand how easy it is to give into fear as a parent. Those are our hearts walking around out there - of course we have an overwhelming need to guard them and keep them safe. But realize that they could get hurt anywhere: in the car, at school, playing sports, in our own homes. Unless you are going to raise your child in a bubble, you have to know that there are risks with this parenting gig. But one of the greatest rewards is watching them GROW into amazing people…so I for one am going to let them.

Again, this is just my opinion. I realize any parent that does subscribe to “leash law” is going to have their reasons, and that’s okay. We are all free to be the parents we feel we need to be.

Which brings me to the special delivery item you received on your doorstep last week. You ask if you overreacting. In a word, no. You are upset because someone is trying to impose their will upon you in an emotionally manipulative way- who wouldn’t be upset?

Your sister-in-law is doing exactly what I think we should all resist doing as best we can…telling other parents how to parent. Her intentions aside, she is engaging in some passive aggressive bullying and you do NOT have to tolerate that. Shame on your husband for not taking a stand with you. If I were you, his butt would be in the doghouse!

The only problem I see here is that you are complaining to your other family members about it, when you should be taking this issue straight to the source…Sister McMeddlestein.

So I leave you with this suggestion.

Send back a muzzle. And be sure to include a note…

“Because you need one.”

Love and kisses,

Eve

• Have you ever had to deal with a meddling relative or friend?

• How did you handle it?

• And since she asked for all to weigh in…give the girl your opinion on leashing the kids, would ya?

Poor Little Homewrecker

Dear Eve,

My best friend is dating a married man. I hate the idea and I am having a very hard time supporting her as a friend. She of course is going through the ol’ “he hasn’t left his wife, he doesn’t make enough time for me” drama and I can’t take it. The sad thing is I’m sure they really care for each other. I am pretty conflicted, she is my best friend and I am happy that she is happy with this guy, but on the other hand I am disgusted by the fact that she is living in this fantasy world.

Eve, any words of wisdom?

Thanks,
Anti-Alliance Annie

Dear Ann,

Well now, you’re in quite a pickle, aren’t you? On one hand we can certainly argue the point that whatever actions little Miss Homewrecker chooses to engage in are of her own volition and none of us have the right to judge the lessons others need to learn. Conversely, you appear to have differentiating opinions as to what is acceptable behavior. So what’s a girl to do, you ask?

Firstly, I have to wonder, Ann, what exactly makes you happy about your best friend sleeping with a man who’s legally bound to another woman? And what about her tirades could possibly bring joy to your life? Although you may not condone the actions of the mister’s mistress you are most assuredly enabling her by continuing to listen to her drone on and on about her sordid affair. Clearly there must be a part of you that’s living vicariously through her Off Broadway performance or you would have had this discussion with her rather than continuing to churn the gossip mill.

It’s blatantly apparent that both you and your fine feathered friend could benefit from a crash course in self-respect and dignity! If you don’t value yourself enough to have convictions in your beliefs then you deserve every pain staking moment of the other woman’s gibberish. That being said, at some point we all make a poor decision or two and what we really need is a friend to throw us a life preserver and save us from our own cesspool. Try having a heart-to-heart with your gal pal. Speak slowly and calmly and simply explain how you feel and that you can’t support her decisions. If your words fall on deaf ears then so be it.

“Distance Therapy” is another alternative to permanent extermination. Take a little break from the manic nonsense; stop wasting your precious time and energy on someone who is too self-absorbed to think rationally… because no matter how you slice it, affairs are never logical. Besides, it’s more than likely that unless your BFF is truly a pathetic, spineless mess she’ll come to her senses one day and miss you terribly. And when she does, you can help her pick up the pieces of her shattered and misguided heart, with just a whisper of “I told you so.” Just remember to never, ever, ever leave her alone with your boyfriend!

KISSKISS
LOVELOVE,
Eve

Keep her, dump her or verbally spank her into submission…which option would you choose? Has your BFF ever been of the cheating kind? If so, what advice do you have for Anti-Alliance Annie?

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