Feeling Naughty, or Nice?
November 29, 2008
Now that we’ve managed to make it through Thanksgiving, we have one more month left to go in the official Holiday Season. Like the song says, it’s the most wonderful time of the year, and I think I understand why. There seems to be a school of thought that we can get away with anything right now, and chalk it all up to it being ‘The Holidays’. December is the most excuse laden month of the year, just right for all of us questionable guys and gals that have been waiting eleven months for a little guilt free indulgence and debauchery. Just me?
If the rest of the world can blame stress, weight gain, depression, impulsivity and overall piss poor behavior on 31 little days in December, then why can’t I? Without divulging the gritty details, I’ve had a hell of monster year in 2008. I plan on using ‘The Holidays’ to excuse all 5 of the following activities, should they occur.
Drinking Heavily
These days, I’m more likely to have a few and then get extreme giggles laughing at others (and myself) on the walk home with my friends. That’s way under the silly season bar tab I’m capable of. This year I’ll throw on my college sweatshirt and make like its 1998; when all I had to worry about was finals and tasty, tasty shots. Besides, holiday cocktails and cleverly named ‘tinis’ mean I am allowed to celebrate and push it over the edge. The Grinch’s heart grew three sizes, my liver is feeling left out.
Eat Like ‘Skinny Santa’ on a Mission
I’ll need plenty of food to help absorb the continual flow of alcohol. I suggest the USDA develops a temporary Food Pyramid until the light of January 1st hits my good china. The first five tiers will consist of flour, sugar, butter, frosting and anything colored red and green. I will reserve for the tippy top for nutritious grains, vegetables and omega-3s which I will use sparingly.
Become a Manic Shopaholic
My bank account managed to get out of Black Friday unscathed, but I am tossing that caution to the wind this very instant. If someone else in the store wants it, I will then have to have it. Everybody knows I’m a sucker for gadgets and it’s time to stop turning down impulse buys for the sake of reason. My cart will overflow with digital, wireless, high def and flat screen plasma goodness. It’ll all fit in my car nicely, but I’ll pay extra to have it delivered just so my neighbors can see what a great year it’s been.
Fist Fight in a Strip Mall
We can’t seem to let a year go by without at least one individual getting trampled, beaten or run over with an SUV out of holiday shopping stress. That combined with the fact I absolutely hate shopping and 90% of all Christmas music, somebody could get hurt. Truthfully I’ve only been in one physical altercation in my life. A woman took a swing at me, missed; I reacted by swinging back and broke her nose. Fight over. So go ahead and test me in front of Linens N Things, I’m feeling scrappy.
Casual Sex in an Office Setting
I don’t have any real co-workers in what I do for a living, so I was quick to rule out awkward office party sex. Yet seeing as how every day until the ball drops in Times Square there’s an office party going on somewhere, my chances are still good. I’ll just appear out of nowhere, claim to be ‘from the New York Office’ and nail a random Jr. Executive in the Board Room. The break room is probably occupied with other Christmas tree star crossed lovers that got a little too tipsy under the mistletoe.
Then, on New Year’s Day, I will wake up refreshed and ready to make my list of resolutions for 2009. Including, of course, an array of doctor’s appointments because December left me a physical wreck and a possible ‘carrier’.
Okay, I probably won’t do any of those things. Rest assured if one or two of them squeak by that it wasn’t my fault, just the reason for the season.
It’s December! Everybody geared up for the Holidays? What the hell gets into some people this time of year? What stresses you ladies and gents out during the Silly Season? Money? Shopping? Crowds? Cookies? What will you be indulging in over the next 31 days of promotional bliss? Care to share your ghosts of Holidays Past? Remember, I’m feeling scrappy…
30 to 40
November 20, 2008
We all have preconceived notions of where our lives will be once we hit certain magical ages. We have hopes, plans and goals that coincide with dates on the calendar…some we accomplish and others we miss the mark by a long shot. In 30 days I will be facing the end of my 30’s. (Holy, what?!) And as much as I’ve been preparing for this occasion for the past several years, I can’t help but do a mental check list of where I am and where I thought I might be.
It’s no mystery that some things we can change and others we must accept. But what’s left will hopefully inspire us to live our lives to fullest. So in honor of leaving my third decade behind I’ve decided to celebrate with a 30 day countdown to-do list.
For the next month, each day until I hit the big 4-0 (which by the way, is NOT the new 20!) I will run, be free, and embrace the following…
Take a field trip to The Pleasure Chest
Make out under the stars
Swing…on a swing set, not with swingers
Play Twister
Wear my shortest skirt and highest heels…in public
Write a letter, and actually mail it
Climb a tree…
and a rock
Volunteer
Take a nap outside
Dance naked in the living room
Watch a sunset…
and a sunrise
Learn a sexy phrase in a foreign language
Skip on the beach barefooted
Visit Dr. Verbin
Embrace the fetal position with a box of Kleenex
Watch Doctor Zhivago
Have photos taken…nekkid
Purge past mementoes that no longer serve a purpose
Meditate for an entire hour
Buy a plane ticket
Join the Bar Method
Lick the filling out of Twinkie
Drink Dom Perignon straight from the bottle
Create a budget
Fast for 24-hours
Spend an entire day loving myself…mind, body and spirit
Make S’mores over an open fire
Host a fabulous party and celebrate with those who make me who I am!
All things considered (because life isn’t always a bowl of cherries) my life is pretty darn spectacular! I most certainly couldn’t have imagined the twists and turns of my journey thus far, but I am filled with anticipation and excitement for the future and amazing memories of the past. The sands of time can’t be erased so we may as well learn to embrace them, right? Right!
Tell me, oh lovely Eve visitors…what’s on your to-do list? Are you fearful of impending significant Birthdays or are you rolling out the red carpet? If time or money weren’t an issue and you could do anything your little heart desired, what would it be? And lastly, what will you do today to celebrate life?
Mother Nature is not my friend
November 12, 2008
Getting older sucks.
I know, I know…I am only 31 years old, I have no right to complain, blah-ditty-blah-blah-blah. Age is just a number, you are as old as you feel etc. etc. Well guess what? You all can take that pile of clichés and shove em up your…noses. I have tried desperately to have a good attitude about this whole aging thing, but Mother Nature has been sabotaging me every step of the way. No, seriously, she has! I have proof.
Exhibit A: The belly bulge
Who decided that the thirties was the magical time for your metabolism to slip into permanent deep freeze, hmm? I have to admit it, I have never been one to exercise regularly or eat a super healthy diet all the time. Sometimes it’s a salad, but often it’s a burrito. And sometimes I do Pilates and sometimes I…do not(eez…err). So anyhow, this is how I was through all of my twenties and it was never a problem…but now, all of a sudden it most assuredly is a problem. When I sit down there is…a… roll where there once was not. Also if you see gravity hanging around tell it my ass wants to have a talk…
Exhibit B: The drinking dilemma
I cannot drink alcohol anymore. Okay, I can, technically, but when I do my body punishes me…severely. Now my tasty alcoholic beverage binges come with a side of headache and an extra helping of hung-the-hell over. You guys want to know what I do on the so called “drinking holidays?” I stay home where its safe, watching old movies and eating ice cream… ice cream that I have to chase with a Lactaid I might add. Which brings me to my next point…
Exhibit C: Oatmeal forever?!
What the hell is happening with my digestive tract? You guys have to understand, I have lived my entire life harboring a serious addiction. This addiction is to chili peppers. I have always loved my spicy foods, and truthfully I still do. But they just don’t love me anymore; or more specifically, they have a vendetta against my innards. I know, too graphic, I’ll stop there…you guys get the idea, right? I spend too much time on the toilet, tearfully dabbing at my ass with baby wipes.
Okay, NOW I’ll stop and move on to my last point…
Exhibit D: “What the F@$! is that?!”
The weird mole living under my left armpit, the little valleys on my face where flat lands used to be, the two inch gray hair I found sticking out of the top of my head. These are the things I affectionately call the “what the f@$! is that(s)?!” I hate them. I have waged war against them. And while they might win said war I will make my stand at battle after battle; armed with my arsenal of dyes and creams and tweezers and what have you. I will not go down without a fight.
No, Mother Nature…I won’t go quietly into the night. I will struggle with every last breath in this old rickety body…(am I laying it on too thick? Sorry…I’ll rein it in…) How am I waging war? Glad you asked!
- Mine (male) concubine: Me: 31, him: 25. Yes, I can still pull a guy 6 years my junior…so wipe that shocked look off your face. I cannot express to you how much I enjoy being with a younger man. I am pretty sure the arrangement is mutually beneficial; I bring wisdom and experience to the table, and he brings stamina and vigor. What I mean by all that is we have great sex.
- Teen Magazines. Don’t judge, there’s valuable information in there! This month I learned “how to tell if he’s crushing on me,” whether I am more of a “Miley” or a “Selena” and how to make my “peepers pop”…or something. And I got a fold out poster of the Jonas Brothers too. ( Which reminds me…who the hell are the Jonas Brothers??)
- The mall. I have to admit, this one isn’t working out so well for me. The local adolescents mostly either stare at me warily or ask me to buy them cigarettes at the ‘Tobacco Zone.’ Neither of these reactions are making me feel particularly vibrant. Besides, we are in an economic crisis…should I really be tempting myself with all those shoes??
(Note to self…take mall out of “the plan.”)
- School Friends. I left school (way too) many years ago to try my hand at that whole marriage / stay at home mom thing. Now I have returned and I am one of those “non-traditional” college students. What that means is my classmates are all several years younger than me. SEVERAL. As in, some of them can’t buy beer yet. But hey, they make me feel incredibly smart and I help them with their homework. So it’s win/win.
- My kids. Nothing makes you feel as childlike as a day of swing sets and Otter Pops, followed by a night of pillow forts and monster movies. I have heard people say that having kids stole their youth, but those people are MORONS. Seriously. My kids keep me young, by giving me an excuse to act like an over-sugared spaz. I highly recommend them ( The Otter Pops and the kids).
So those are some of the ways that I have chosen to rise against the big bad age monster. I may not win the war, but I am winning enough battles to make it feel like a worthwhile cause. And I got carded the other afternoon ( by the half blind great grandmother working at the Mexican restaurant around the corner…but it still counts, right??) so I think its working. Mind over matter, kids!
So do you have any advice, oh internet brethren, for your aged pal Trista? What do you do to keep yourself feeling youthful? Am I just fooling myself? Or do you subscribe to the “you are only as old as you feel” school of thinking?
Colon Munchers
November 6, 2008
It’s a stinky topic and certainly not one that’s appropriate dinner conversation. Nonetheless, ignorance is not bliss when it pertains to the overabundance of Protozoa, Trematoda, Cestoda and Nematoda living in your guts. Are you aware that 85% of Americans are contaminated with itsy-bitsy, mass-multiplying, burrowing aliens that are making Swiss cheese out of our innards? Sounds delicious, no? Wait! Don’t go…I’m here to help you rid the worms from your bowels.
Like it or not, your body is more than likely hosting any one or more of the 3200 different parasites known to infect humans. If you think invasion of the body snatchers is a normal part of living and breathing consider the fact that a typical roundworm can produce 200,000 eggs…daily. By no means should that be considered normal!
Constipation, bloating, IBS, acne, anemia, sleep disturbances, muscle aches, fatigue and migraines are just a few ailments that may be caused by these nutrient sucking leeches. And don’t for a moment fool yourself; none of us are immune to parasite and worm infestations. Through the foods we eat, the bottoms of our feet, the air we breathe, the water we drink, and sadly, even sex…these creatures are lurking everywhere just waiting to latch on and spread their spawn.
Feeling queasy yet? Imagine a hookworm gnawing its way through your intestinal wall and feeding on your blood. Or a tapeworm with a suction cup on its skull that has the potential to grow up to 35 feet…in your body! My personal favorites are the parasites that migrate and destroy other parts of our bodies. The circulatory system, lungs, liver and even our grey matter are all defenseless unless we wage war and reclaim what is rightfully ours.
Honestly, I can’t imagine the horror one might experience during the elimination process of these little critters. Personally, I think I’m going to need a barf bag to accompany the commode as I will more than likely become a puking-shitting-parasite-purging machine.
Oh, stop it! We all do it…puke and poop that is.
On with the process…
Detox is never easy, and although you may not experience the same effects you would if you were giving up the pipe, this process may not be all that enjoyable either. Excessive gas, itchy skin, abdominal cramping and foul odors emanating from your pores should be expected. Apparently that’s what happens when the dead parasites build up in the colon and are waiting to be expelled…Yum!
Let the cleansing commence!
Although there are numerous prescription medications available they only treat one bugger at a time and I’d rather wipe out the entire toxic colony in my colon at once. So I’ve discovered the following two-part extermination process: A 30-day Isagenix cleansing and fat burning program coupled with a concoction of Black Walnut Hull, Wormwood and Cloves.
Being as how I am not pregnant, lactating, frail, or elderly (hush!) there’s no need for me to consult a physician prior to embarking on my experiment. Which is fortunate since this month long expedition isn’t going to be cheap…or easy. But hey, we can’t put a price on a healthy colon now can we?
WOW! That was a bit much…even for me! Anyone else disgusted by this information? Did you know that sushi and dog smacking causes creepy crawlers? And who’s joining me? Are you willing to rid yourself of larvae or are you happy and content with your internal ecological system?
Theeeeey’rrrrre baaaack!
October 29, 2008
I am an 80’s girl. I grew up dancing around the living room to Cyndi Lauper and Duran Duran records in my legwarmers and acid washed jeans, clinging tight to my rainbow bright doll. Happiness was a warm crimping iron. I had jellies in 8 different colors. It is a decade that will always have a special place in my heart.
That said, there might be some things that we could have just left behind. Questionable music and Aquanet indulgences aside, there were some things I consider to be embarrassing mistakes made in the decade that gave us Madonna and the best of John Hughes. And in my opinion many of these mistakes can be summed up in one word…
Fashion.
Now I do NOT claim to be any kind of fashion expert, I am far from it. 95% of the time I can be found wearing jeans and a tank top. But really, anyone with two working eyeballs cannot deny the atrocities that were done to us during the decade that also, by the way, brought you this.
Those of you out there that lived through the 80’s know what I am talking about…you no doubt have some Bongo and Z Cavaricci skeletons in your closet, no? Well, in case you have blocked it all out, and shipped it all off to the Goodwill, let present to you a list of items that the fashion industry and clothing manufacturers should be shot for bringing back. And yes, back they have come…
The Beret:
The only people that should be rocking berets are military personnel. I mean, seriously. Yes, I know, Lohan does it. The Olsen twins do it. Nicole Richie does it. Doesn’t that tell you anything?! Are you going to trust the judgment of these whacked out women? I swear, I think the aforementioned ladies wear the most ridiculous things they can find to see if they can get the folks at home watching Entertainment Tonight to jump on board. You are not a fashion hobo, stay off the beret train.
The Tights /Pumps Combo:
They actually spend part of just about every year trying to convince us this one is cool. But this year it seems worse, and more obnoxious than usual. Why? Because its 80’s influenced! This means bright colors, bold patterns and lace. Lace…really? Life is not a boudoir photo shoot and you are nowhere near being like a virgin. Skip this 15 minute fashion do.
Over the Top Animal Print:
Just because you still like to blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ when no one is home to make fun of you does not mean you should dress like something that could pass for its prey. I mean, a little animal print accessorizing is one thing, but looking like you have draped yourself in a carcass is something else altogether…something altogether WRONG.
Bubble Skirts:
Ladies, these skirts were such a bad idea…why are we allowing them back into our closets? Unless you are a stick figure they are completely unflattering. Unflattering as in if you have hips you are going to look like a walking hot air balloon in one of these very bad boys. So unless you want people asking if you can fly them over wine country for a romantic evening getaway, stay away from this fashion rewind.
Extremely Large, Extremely Tacky Plastic Accessories:
Now these are totally awesome…if you are under 8 years old. Other wise what the hell are you doing? Please do not shop for accessories in your preschoolers’ birthday party loot bags. Seriously, people. If it could double as pinata filler, put it down. Now.
In case of any of you are reading this thinking, “hmm, I might have some gems in my closet I should go mining for!” let me present to you my finally plea for (your) sanity. If you are thinking it still seems like a good idea, a way to save money and look chic, well, just stare at the next picture for a moment. Here is a woman who also thought it was a “good” idea…
WRONG!
Don’t do this. Don’t let your sister, mother, girlfriend, or wife do this. Because after they see a picture of themselves dressed like this they are going to be filled with shame, which will turn to rage which will turn into a riot of women the likes of which the world has not seen since the bra burning days.
Only I think we will most likely be burning these instead:
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