Colon Munchers

It’s a stinky topic and certainly not one that’s appropriate dinner conversation. Nonetheless, ignorance is not bliss when it pertains to the overabundance of Protozoa, Trematoda, Cestoda and Nematoda living in your guts. Are you aware that 85% of Americans are contaminated with itsy-bitsy, mass-multiplying, burrowing aliens that are making Swiss cheese out of our innards? Sounds delicious, no? Wait! Don’t go…I’m here to help you rid the worms from your bowels.

Like it or not, your body is more than likely hosting any one or more of the 3200 different parasites known to infect humans. If you think invasion of the body snatchers is a normal part of living and breathing consider the fact that a typical roundworm can produce 200,000 eggs…daily. By no means should that be considered normal!

Constipation, bloating, IBS, acne, anemia, sleep disturbances, muscle aches, fatigue and migraines are just a few ailments that may be caused by these nutrient sucking leeches. And don’t for a moment fool yourself; none of us are immune to parasite and worm infestations. Through the foods we eat, the bottoms of our feet, the air we breathe, the water we drink, and sadly, even sex…these creatures are lurking everywhere just waiting to latch on and spread their spawn.

Feeling queasy yet? Imagine a hookworm gnawing its way through your intestinal wall and feeding on your blood. Or a tapeworm with a suction cup on its skull that has the potential to grow up to 35 feet…in your body!  My personal favorites are the parasites that migrate and destroy other parts of our bodies. The circulatory system, lungs, liver and even our grey matter are all defenseless unless we wage war and reclaim what is rightfully ours.

Honestly, I can’t imagine the horror one might experience during the elimination process of these little critters. Personally, I think I’m going to need a barf bag to accompany the commode as I will more than likely become a puking-shitting-parasite-purging machine.

Oh, stop it! We all do it…puke and poop that is.

On with the process…

Detox is never easy, and although you may not experience the same effects you would if you were giving up the pipe, this process may not be all that enjoyable either. Excessive gas, itchy skin, abdominal cramping and foul odors emanating from your pores should be expected. Apparently that’s what happens when the dead parasites build up in the colon and are waiting to be expelled…Yum!

Let the cleansing commence!

Although there are numerous prescription medications available they only treat one bugger at a time and I’d rather wipe out the entire toxic colony in my colon at once.  So I’ve discovered the following two-part extermination process: A 30-day Isagenix cleansing and fat burning program coupled with a concoction of Black Walnut Hull, Wormwood and Cloves.

Being as how I am not pregnant, lactating, frail, or elderly (hush!) there’s no need for me to consult a physician prior to embarking on my experiment. Which is fortunate since this month long expedition isn’t going to be cheap…or easy. But hey, we can’t put a price on a healthy colon now can we?

WOW! That was a bit much…even for me! Anyone else disgusted by this information?  Did you know that sushi and dog smacking causes creepy crawlers? And who’s joining me? Are you willing to rid yourself of larvae or are you happy and content with your internal ecological system?

Protecting and Serving The Vagina

I am not only flabbergasted, but outraged! My original intent of this “Confessions of a Single Girl” post was to maximize my self-deprecation through a rather embarrassing yet hilarious tale of my contraception method gone awry and the subsequent high cost of owning a vagina. Unfortunately, while researching the facts and figures to support my decision to use what many deem as an inconvenient, messy and archaic form of birth control, I’ve become privy to an issue that I thought was simply an isolated case of rare and unfortunate circumstances. Apparently, however, I am not alone and it seems as though the Hippocratic Oath has given way to compromising patient care in lieu of religious and moral beliefs.

Whilst making a late night trip to an E.R. that likened a Tijuana abortion clinic to have my diaphragm extricated (stop laughing!) I was subjected to what I’d chalked up to as an uncomfortable and unfortunate event. Awkward from the get-go, the experience was made even more painful by the lecture and inquisition being delivered below a paper sheet between my knees. I could hear her words, but only see her turban…a purple, silk paisley turban asking inappropriate questions and offering personal opinions while digging for my beloved cervical barrier with forceps and a flashlight. With conjured up memories of after school detention, I left feeling even more ashamed and horrified then when I’d walked through the doors.

A woman’s body is hers to do with as she pleases…or at least that’s my personal opinion. No state, government, church or physician has the right to delegate what’s appropriate and what is not. If I choose to utilize a 120 year old birth control device and risk getting it lodged in my hoo-ha as opposed to the vast array of modern day hormonal methods I shouldn’t be judged for it. And I most certainly should not be told to “abstain,” by Mr. Battkha, the pharmacist who wouldn’t refill my replacement diaphragm. Yep, after he lied and told me that my precious diaphragm had been taken off the market, I inquired as to my options. It was then that the religious zealot said, “Why don’t you abstain, Karri?” (I bit my tongue as to not tell him that I had a better idea that involved him screwing himself!)

Seriously, who knew that opting for passé pussy protection would come with a whorish stigma? Men aren’t being ostracized for purchasing condoms so why did a Doctor and a pharmacist feel it appropriate to condemn me for at the very least keeping my eggs unfertilized? Honestly, I don’t give a rat’s ass about their personal, moral or religious beliefs…I respect our differences. But this is my vajaja we’re talking about and I will not tolerate extremists telling me how to care for it. It is after all a very fragile environment and it must be protected…and who better to be in control of that than the woman who owns it?!

Apparently my circumstances aren’t the rarity that I’d assumed. Women all across this great and free country of ours are being held hostage by the personal beliefs of physicians and pharmacists. “There are pharmacists who will only dispense birth control pills to a woman if she’s married. There are physicians who mistakenly believe contraception is a form of abortion and refuse to prescribe it to anyone,” said Adam Sonfield of the Alan Guttmacher Institute in New York, which tracks reproductive issues.

Bottom line is this…sex and religion are two of the greatest debates in history and I would never be so naïve as to believe that someday we will all agree. BUT…for the love of all that is (un)holy, please save the sermons for the Synagogue and keep them out of medical practices! Thank you.

Bring it people…I can’t possibly be the only one who is livid with others spewing their personal propaganda under the guise of a professional title. Where are your boundaries? Do you believe that medical professionals have the right to discern a woman’s contraceptive choices?  And what about men, shouldn’t they be held to the same set of standards and lectures?

Saving Sanity

Stress has become as commonplace as breathing and eating… we are all subjected to it on one level or another. Three minutes of CNN or MSNBC alone is likely to cause rapid breathing and heart palpitations. Throw in rush hour traffic, homework with the whipper snappers and a frustrated partner and you have a recipe for illness or injury.

It’s no mystery that stress can manifest itself in numerous ways; insomnia, anxiety, eating disorders…blah, blah, blah. We know the facts, but how many of us actually practice rituals to help alleviate the outside forces that cause our internal destruction? Sure, eating well balanced meals chock full of antioxidants, taking a walk around the block and breathing exercises all sound lovely on the surface, but how many people actually make a conscious effort to take a few deep breaths in the midst of a crisis?

Let’s be realistic about our health and wellness needs, shall we?  Although most of us are aware that nurturing ourselves is one of the best investments we can make in our own futures, if its not somewhat easily attainable we’ll more than likely get discouraged and give up before we begin to reap the benefits. And we shouldn’t be subjected to more anxiety in our effort to find a bit of peace, therefore, cheap n’ easy seem to be the most logical way to approach chaos.

In an effort to ensure that all of you are living happy, healthy lives I’ve come up with a few suggestions to help make your days simple and carefree…

Trade your OM’s for O’s! Rather than doling out 20 bucks to chant with a Yogi in a stench filled room with fellow meditators, try grabbing a bottle of lube and rubbing away your worries. An orgasm (or 10) is sure to cure what ails you and give you a good night’s rest, too! Ladies, remember, do not pass out before returning BOB to his proper place. Falling asleep with silicone lodged in a precarious position has been known to have adverse effects.

Stick It. Every day annoyances will eventually boil over into a messy outburst if they aren’t properly attended to. Rather than suppressing anger, let it all out with The Little Voodoo Kit! “Easy to use at home, in the office or while traveling, this full-color guide will show you how to use your revenge doll and pins for a huge range of tension-relieving techniques.” I am more than delighted by this nifty little find and I’m ordering a dozen for Christmas presents!

Quips and Quotes: Skip the prescription induced coping crutches and opt for laughter…it really is the best medicine! Start a journal of gut busting one-liners, spontaneous conversations or anything that turns your frown upside down. When you find yourself in a funk, take a walk down memory lane and relive a ridiculous moment in history. I dare you not to crack a smile.

Be The Change: Gandhi said we should be the change we want to see in the world. I say, cash in your change, roll your pennies and enjoy a financially guilt free banana split. Counting to 100 a few times over will not only force you to slow down and concentrate on something other than the whirlwind swirling about, but you’ll get a reward for doing so… it’s a win-win! Just don’t forget to wash your hands before eating.

Build a Fantasy Fort! Just because we’re grown-ups doesn’t mean we can’t be childlike. So go ahead and indulge your long lost imagination and escape from reality in the comfort of your own living room. All you need is a pile of pillows, your favorite blankie, a flashlight and some Silly Puddy. Slumber parties and pillow fights optional.

So there you have it, a few easy breezy ways to escape the pressures of every day living. Really, why were we so eager to become adults? How are you coping with this thing called life? Are you drowning in the riptide or safely floating in a sea of bliss? What tips and tricks are saving your sanity?

Saying Goodbye

Recently I have had to cut ties with one of my closest friends. It was something unexpected and upsetting, but it was time. We had been together for about fourteen years, but I could no longer handle the one sided nature of the friendship. It started out give and take. I scratch your back you scratch mine. We spent tons of time together. We were THERE for each other. The kind of friendship that you only read about in books. And then one day I knew. I had grown, and it was time to move on. The friendship had started to turn sour and there was no use delaying the inevitable.

On that day I said good bye to Smoking.

That was over ninety days ago. And the comparison between smoking and friendship is literal. Cigarettes were my friend. No matter what, when I needed them, they were there. They comforted me in my time of need and in times of great stress. I used the excuse “It is what I want when I want it” because I was going through a hard time! But even if I wasn’t going through a hard time I had excuses. “Oh, well if I quit, I will gain weight” or “I will be too bitchy” or “I like it and I am grown so back up off me I will do what I want”

That last excuse was my favorite. It was the one I could say when I was tired of Joe Non Smoker giving me flack. Look buddy, I don’t smoke in my house, I don’t smoke around my kid, back up off me! I am a woman on the edge. You take away my smokes, and I will just not handle that very well…

And I need to make this abundantly clear. I was a pack a day smoker. Between 19 and 24 ciggies a day. Every day. Sick, not sick, working, not working, out, shopping, watching movies all day, traveling. You name it, and I was doing it making damned sure I had my smokes with me.

Ironically, growing up I hated smokers. My entire family smoked and I thought it was disgusting and dirty.

But alas, I remember being sweet sixteen with that first cigarette in my hand and a glass of homemade port wine in the other. Buzzed heavily and thinking I looked as sexy as sexy ever was. Granted, I wasn’t inhaling. But hey, they all didn’t know that! Not to mention the perm and the tight roll jeans. Kirk Cameron, eat your heart out!

I did quit when I was pregnant with my son. But went back the first night we were home from the hospital. I blamed the relapse on the nurse. In all fairness when we were checking out, newborn in tow, she asked me “are you sure there isn’t another baby in there??” (I gained A LOT of weight and needless to say I didn’t give birth to a 60lb son, so there was still some weight there.) But bringing it up was still twenty five degrees of WRONG.

Always an excuse.

Then it became a battle. No one I knew smoked any more. I was starting to see the effect of smoking on my face, in my lungs, everywhere. I knew it was poison and could kill me. But I didn’t stop. I was too scared to let it go. Smoking was now controlling ME. I half-heartedly tried several things over the next few years. The gum, the patch, the Chantix, the Wellbutrin, you name it and I tried it. The reason none of these methods didn’t stick? I had no self control and I had no REAL desire to quit.

What is the difference this time? I am not sure there is one. I know that it wasn’t JUST smoking that made me want to quit. It was because I wanted to know I could exert self control over something. And so I switched my attention from smoking to losing weight and adapting a healthier lifestyle. Because dammit I was already carrying 20lbs of new cohabitation blubber, I wasn’t going to pack on 15 more! In the 90 days I have been quit, I have also lost 19 lbs. And I FEEL better. I breathe better, I don’t cough, or have a hard time breathing like I used to.

Do I have the trick? No. I know what worked for me for today, yesterday, and hopefully tomorrow. Would it work for you? Maybe. I think eating grasshoppers and singing El Debarge songs would work if someone is REALLY ready.

Trust me this has been no walk in the park. I actually pitched a screaming ninny fit just two weeks ago. I was extremely annoyed I couldn’t smoke I screamed “I am grown, and if I want a friggin cigarette, then I will have one! I quit before I can quit again!” There are those excuses popping up again. It is amazing what your mind will tell you when it REALLY wants something.

I am thrilled I have been quit this long except for one thing. The part no one talks about. Um, I still miss it! And I thought by now, I would be completely over it. Come to find out the craving will probably never go away. Sad to say, I am baffled that I am not rewarded for all this hard work! Dammit, I want this to be easy! But as they say, nothing worth having is easy to come by. Ah, ain’t that the truth…

Have you ever given something up that you still wanted to do? From Heroin to Twinkies. Marijuana to petty theft? How did you get through it? Why did you eventually stop? Do you still think about it? Or are you and yours still bosom buddies? Big or small spill it… Craving minds want to know.

Sleepless in the Saddle

When you have insomnia, you’re never really asleep… and you’re never really awake. - Tyler Durden “Fight Club”

Does this look like a man who gets good sleep?

Lack of sleep.  You know that feeling.  You stayed up too late watching a movie, or maybe getting some nookie.  Up for hours talking on the phone talking to that amazing girl you have a second date with on Friday night maybe?  Whatever reason you may have slacked in the sleep department you will probably be OK. You may be groggy, not as On Point as usual.  You may even be a bit grouchy.

Drink some coffee, down some espresso, drink a soda, get home and crash out for a glorious fourteen hour Zzzz fest of wonderful R.E.M.  Remember we heal when we sleep!  Make up for it and try and at least get 7 hours. Easy Peasy George & Wheezy!

Aside from the serial partiers or bar hoppers, when lack of sleep hits a 3 month mark, things can get pretty interesting.  Especially when it isn’t something you are causing.  If you get off work, shower, meet the boys/girls and have one or six drinks at your local watering hole and don’t come home most nights until 3am, I don’t have any sympathy for your yawniness.  Nada.  Self imposed doesn’t count.

What I want to talk about today is the kind of sleep deprivation that just Happens.  Not sure why, or who caused this mess but all you know is, is that you have been getting on average 4 hours of sleep per night.

IF you are lucky.
Sleep Deprivation is defined by Ferring as  - A shortage of quality, undisturbed sleep that results in detrimental effects on physical and mental well-being.

What?  So let me get this straight.  Insomnia can affect me outside of just being tired?  Oh yes sleep deprivation can throw a wrench into your life in the following ways:

• Diabetes
• Adversely affects brain function
• Suppress Growth Hormones
• Can impair ability to drive, think, operate machinery
• Obesity

Um, I am sorry.  Did I just say that a lack of sleep can cause me to become Obese??  I don’t want the Diabeetus or to gain weight!  If I can’t gain my weight by diving into a large vat of Ben & Jerry’s Creme Brulee Ice Cream (of which I highly recommend by the way) and eating my way out, then I don’t want any part of it!

Heaven called.  It wants its Ice Cream back.

So, with all of those fun facts in tow I began to mentally finger count my Sleepy time this week.  From Sunday night to Wednesday night I have had a whopping 18 hours sleep.  Yikes!  After going through months of bad or no sleep I have tried it all.

I tried Ambien, Benadryl, Xanax, Liquor Caffeine, and that first night was fun, but still good sleep evaded me.

Note - Just kidding about the meds.  I did try them all separately and to no avail.  I would sleep with some but feel so groggy the next day it wasn’t worth it.  Don’t try all that at home kids.  Do I have to bring up the guy who did that recently.  No Joke.

But then tonight on the way home something odd happened.

Nothing felt right.  It felt like I was driving stoned or drunk.  I rarely drive at night but that wasn’t it.  Everything had a halo.  The green light and the blinking light down the road made a smiley face that kept winking at me.  The oncoming headlights looked like they were coming straight for me.  Nothing felt right.  Everything felt blurry. I was exhausted.  Going 23 hours yesterday getting 3 hours of sleep, getting up and doing it again for 14 hours had done me in.

I cranked up the Digital Underground turned up the air conditioner, and hoped for the best.  I believe that driving as tired as I was is comparable to driving intoxicated, if not worse.

That my friends is where we have a problem.  A BIG one.  So, I have decided to go back to the doctor and shun their pretty pearly pills and Wiley ways and see if they can recommend something a little less, well Pharmaceutical.

Has anyone suffered from Insomnia or any form of sleep deprivation?  And if so, what did you do about it?  Outside of medication that is.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with taking something, just not the road I want to go down.  I have tried exercise, video games, pretending warm orange liquid was filling my body starting with my finger tips.  Just about everything short of trying to fall asleep upside down dipped in Blue Cheese.

How do you count your sheep??

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