Food Porn For Thought

Preparing and cooking a meal can evoke incredibly passionate feelings.  For some, those feelings are, ‘I love my family.  Nothing makes me happier than when we all sit down to a homemade meal.’  For others it’s closer to, ‘Holy Shit!  You can microwave bacon?!’…the latter usually surfacing around 2 a.m.  Either way or in between our bodies are our temples and some of us hold sacred the act of feeding them their daily bread.

Luckily, we aren’t on a fridge filled spiritual path to nowhere.  We have been seemingly blessed by the presence of sustenance gurus and culinary genius.  We have The Food Network.

Whether you eat to live or live to eat, just about everyone could lose an hour or 3 zoning out to the Food Network’s dizzying array of professional guys and gals.  All except the guy named Guy Fieri.  He’s unwatchable with his sunglasses hanging off the back of his head, dye job and endless wardrobe of bowling shirts.  I am starting to think he knows this and wears the arm band to hide the fact he cuts himself.

Despite their stars massive fan base, I sometimes fantasize that I would make a pretty decent Food Network Star.  I have an amazing list of recipes that include all things healthy to all things decadent.  I can prepare plateful after gorgeous plateful to keep you from changing the channel.  Even if it’s because you are too lazy to get out off the couch; wondering why you don’t store more food on your end tables.

I’ve certainly seen enough of the basic Food Network blueprint to fit in with the rest of the apron strings.  I have my cooking audition with the higher ups all planned out to show of just a little ‘ankle’ of my kitchen skills.

Maybe I’ll wow them with my Portobello Mushroom Caps Stuffed with Crisp Apple, Onion, Aged Bacon and Fresh Chevre?

Who’s not fucking around? Meghan. Meghan’s not fucking around.  The crisp apples, bacon mixed unbelievably well with the caramelized onion and chevre.  For bonus points I will encourage the camera operator to zoom in on my cleavage while I’m dicing.  Don’t think I forgot my low cut top and perfectly manicure nails!  Don’t you cook like that?  Learned that one from Giada De Laurentiis, everyone’s favorite Filf (Foodie I’d Like To Fuck).  There she is now, on a bed of marinara, probably drifting off to sleep on pillows of ‘Mooz-a-rell’.

Or, I could go Southern with my Sweet Potato, Sausage and Red Bean Chili.  It’s an unconventional choice that might catch their eyes.  That’s if they can concentrate enough through my foodie innuendo.  ‘I like a lot of meat.  Now you want to be gentle, firm not too tough.  Mmmm, don’t you just want to get in there and roll around?  I can’t wait to get that in my mouth.’  It’s all part of the picture show.  Besides, their biggest Southern Star is Paula Deen and I have news for her.  Not everything can be deep fried, and a stick of butter does NOT constitute as a side dish.  That’s some artery cloggin’, Y’all!

What if they want something a little more sickeningly sweet like Sandra Lee?  I’ll never be able to pull that off!  Sandra’s been through a lot in life.  Unfortunately, I have the feeling after every taping they wheel her back to her dressing room while she asks everyone in frightened whisper, ‘I’m the prettiest right? You think I’m pretty, don’t you?!’  They then give her a couple valium and tell her they’re baby aspirin or diet pills.

I could go simple with my homemade Three Cheese Macaroni; might win over some the Rachael Ray crowd with its comfort food factor.  Then again…I’m not sure if I want the Rachael Ray crowd following me.  Just because she tosses some pan full of ‘Look at THAT kids!’ between a bread roll she doesn’t have the right to call it a ‘burger’.

That being said…I could end my presentation with some sort of Rachael Ray inspired cocktail.  Something with a cutsie never-word name like a ‘Wubby Wibby Wubby’:  Straight vodka in a glass with a splash of EVOO.  The best part about it is you can still order one when you are completely shit faced and forgot how to form a sentence.

Personally, I think Rachael always looks a little hung over.  It’s my guess they simply manage to slap enough makeup on her baggy eyes to make her presentable in 30 minute portions…Yummo!

I think my audition is sure to be a lock.  So next time you’re in the mood for a television/food coma, look for me.  I’ll be bending over a sink slowly peeling fresh ginger, casually grinding my way into a nipple slip and higher ratings.

Hungry yet?  Did you jump off your computer to hit the Food Network?  What do you think of their Foodie Stars?  Any complaints?  Love ‘em, hate ‘em…want to bend them over a cutting board for dessert?  What do you think of their food porn tactics?  Am I talking to a stove top and microwave crowd or do I have some aspiring show biz culinary masters here today?  Comment Comment, then go get yourselves a snack from the pantry.

Are You What You Eat?

Exactly how much time do you spend getting to know your food?  I’ve lovingly caressed a cheeseburger a time or two, but that’s not what I’m getting at here.  (I’d like to let the record stand, mind you, that the cheeseburger totally had it coming.)  In this case I’m referring to food trends, the latest being that of Organic Food versus all the other stuff.  You know the other stuff.  It’s cheaper, shinier, crunchier and may or may not be damaging our internal organs and future generations. The ‘other stuff’, as it happens, is being marketed as ‘Conventional’.  This sounds decidedly better than, ‘We sprayed this with something that’s legally tolerable’.

Hell of a trade off, no?  The trend however, is hard to ignore.  Being a Nation both obsessed with our health, and willing to shoot our selves in our fat foot for a Value Meal; it’s no wonder Organic Food has become big business.  First, let’s define the terms.  What exactly is Organic Food?  If you answered anything you can buy at Whole Foods, such as Häagen-Dazs or Fudge Brownie Mix, you’re wrong (but I like the way you think).

No, The United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) has rules about what can be labeled USDA Certified Organic.  Just looking for the word ‘Organic’ is not enough.  As there is a difference between Low-Fat, Non-Fat, Fat-Free, Lite, Sugar Free and Diet; different products will label different ways based on their ingredients.  Oh, how they know of our hate to read labels in a crowded supermarket on a Sunday.

If the label claims the food is ‘100% Organic’ then it is.  Any product with a USDA Organic symbol or sticker means that the product was made in accordance with Federal Standards.  Those grading standards are varied whether we’re talking about frozen vegetables or frozen chicken.   Here are the basics:

Organic Food cannot be processed in the following ways:

• In the raising of livestock, no antibiotics, growth hormones or medications shall be administered in order to advance growth or prevent diseases from occurring.
• For crop and pest control chemical pesticides and herbicides may not be used.
• Chemical fertilizers to promote growth and crop abundance are not allowed.

Well thank you, Organic Food!  We all want to avoid those practices, don’t we?  I don’t want the ‘other stuff’ creeping into my liver, polluting my soil.  I’d much rather buy the Organic aspar…what?  Organic isn’t good enough, you say?  Now I’ve got to go local?

That’s right; Farmer’s Markets are the only way to go if you really care about what you put into your side dishes and snacks.  It is no longer good enough to eat your vegetables.  You have to date them, develop an honest working relationship.  Meet their parents and get to know the kind of neighborhood they grew up in.  Just as Organic food stuffs have infiltrated every aisle of our Grocery Stores; the Farmer’s Market is the latest uprising into better food practices.  It’s fresh, it hasn’t spent days on a truck and helps boost the local economy.

Is it convenient?  Maybe so in some cities, but I live in the Northeast.  There is a local Farmer’s Market in Boston’s City Hall Plaza; I could make the effort to go.  Unfortunately three miles later and 25 minutes in traffic are likely to make my blood boil.  Doesn’t really seem to up the value or make it worth it for ½ pound of locally raised broccoli crowns.

Is it too much to ask that we don’t have to hire an entire food investigation team just to incorporate healthier foods into our diet?   When I pick up a tomato do I really need to wrestle with organic vs. conventional, grown in California vs. grown in Maine.  Can’t I simply feel virtuous about eating the tomato in a salad, instead of ordering a pizza covered in tomato sauce?  I’m beginning to wonder how much responsibility I need to be taking on as far as my single gal’s grocery basket.

The bottom line is that you have to be the judge of your own body and food temples.  How important any of this is to you just might dictate just how far this food trend will take you.  Maybe you’ll start a garden; maybe you’ll read your labels and find new organic or local alternatives.  Or maybe you’ll drive by your local Whole Foods or Specialty Market raising a middle finger salute to the entire idea of it all.

The great food trend debate!  Are you currently 100% Organic?  Maybe 75% Organic? At what level do you investigate the food on your plate?  Are we all comfortable asking these questions or do we just want to shop and eat in peace?  Any food trends you follow?  What do you hate about the continuing change in food trends?  Do you trust the standards in the processing of your food?  Was it all so simple when we just thought we had to clean our plate?

Mmmm…Mmmm…Tasty!

“Mmmmm, Carol, I just love your meat!”

Get your minds out of the gutter, folks! These are, however, popular words when it comes to my cooking. Granted, there are countless ways to marinate, tenderize, flavor and cook every type of meat known to man. Almost all of them are more detailed and time-consuming. Martha Stewart would probably farm-raise her cattle and add 187 steps to the process.

Cooking should be fun. For most, that means easy, as well.

My goal today is to share an easy recipe of mine that has garnered many a fan during the past few years. It is fantastic for a small family and is easily doubled or quadrupled for larger gatherings.

Proving that some of the tastiest dishes are pure and simple, try this Italian Beef on for size. I prefer to serve it on toasted Kaiser rolls or French bread. I melt a bit of smoked provolone, mozzarella or sharp cheddar cheese onto the bread while it is toasting. What? I like my beef with a little cheese! Truth be told, I use whatever is stocked in my refrigerator.

The three most common side items I serve with it are pasta salad, mashed potatoes or spinach salad. It depends totally on if my mood is carb driven or if I feel like lighter fare. Today, let’s get to the meat of the matter.

Buy a roast. I use shoulder roast, typically. I love it when I find it for $1.99 per pound. Value in my meals makes me unbelievably happier to cook them.

Buy a multi-pack of Good Seasons or store brand mix for Italian Dressing.

Buy a jar of pepperoncinis or even mild-banana peppers. Personally, I think the pepperoncinis lend a much better flavor to the beef.

Now, this is the challenging “cooking” part.

Throw the roast into a crock pot. Add two packages of the Italian Seasoning mix and half a jar of peppers or pepperoncinis. You will also add about half the juice from the jar. On larger portions, I have been known to pour a bottle of beer into the mix, as well.

Cook it all night long. The next day, it should fall apart with a fork. If it does not, cook it a few more hours. This is not a science, it’s cooking. And, yes, I realize there are those to argue my view on the subject.

Once it is falling apart, let it cool down. As you take the meat out of the crock pot, taste it. Take a couple of bites and figure out if you want to add more Italian Seasoning, salt, pepper or anything else. If anything, I usually end up adding another half a pack of the Italian Seasoning. Do not add it to the crock pot, yet.

While you can do this part with utensils of some type, I am a fan of doing it with my hands. I am sure somewhere in the actual Cooking for Dummies, there is reference to wash your hands. I trust you all do this with as much anal-retentive attention to detail as I do.

Removing the meat from the crock pot, separate it fully and remove any fatty pieces still in tact. I also remove the cooked peppers/pepperoncinis. Why? Because they do not look pretty. Seriously.

Use a large spoon, cup or ladle to add some of the yummy sauce back to the meat. I tend to put a strainer over the meat to catch any fatty fragments. In other words, I don’t ladle. I just pick up the crock pot, pour the whole thing over a strainer and let the juices cover the meat.

Now that the crock pot is empty, I put the fat-removed, oh-so-tasty beef and all the juices back into the crock pot. I add any additional seasoning I deem necessary, as well as the other half jar or so of reserved pepperoncinis/peppers. Do not add any more of the juice from the jar.

Italian Beef can sit and cook as long as you like. It does not require a timer. Thirty minutes is plenty of time to cook the fresh peppers into the meat.

The meat will be ready to serve whenever you get your toasted bread out of the oven. It will look pretty and taste great. Maybe, just maybe, it will leave you feeling satiated and more satisfied with your performance in the kitchen. Serve and enjoy!

Are you still awake? With all this talk of beef, I don’t know whether to ask if it makes you hungry or horny! Anyone willing to cook this at home and report back on their success?

Caf-fanatic

A person can develop a deeply personal relationship with their addictions. I’m talking legal addictions here. The over the counter kind that truthfully are just as unhealthy or detrimental to our lives if they were outlawed. There are plenty of things in this world I can live without. Unfortunately, at this moment in my life caffeine does not appear to be one of them.

I haven’t always been a junkie, but I have always been an insomniac. Sleep is known as a necessary evil around these parts and over the years I had to find ways to accommodate my hectic schedules to remain functional. In college I had it made. I worked the night shift while at school, succumbing to the insomnia and getting my homework done at the same time. It was then I started with Vivarin, caffeine pills they handed out in our welcome bags each new semester (nice modeling). I once took an exam after an all-nighter and 4 Vivarin on an empty stomach and thought I was going to die a shaky legged death. I’ve been building up my tolerance ever since.

Ten years later, I have no choice but to admit to my addiction. I once watched a documentary about recovering alcoholics and how they cope with their healing. One man redesigned his driving pattern to avoid passing any liquor stores to avoid temptation. I can relate. If I pass a Starbucks…you best believe I’m stopping, even if I have a ½ full coffee in the cup holder. My regular order, even in the winter, is a large iced coffee with a shot of espresso; knowing they make the shots 2 at a time and hoping they offer me the 2^nd shot for free. Sometimes, most of the time, I order 2 so I have one to drink on the way home, and the chaser to savor later before bedtime. A night cap if you will.

My coffee addiction is supplemented by my Energy Drink Addiction. Nowadays I can wake up, chug 2 Red Bulls as if they are a palate cleanser and still long for an early nap. This isn’t good. I somehow have talked myself into the idea that Sugar Free Energy Drink is GOOD for me! It’s not just caffeine, I say. It has B vitamins and Niacin! Niacin, (what the hell is Niacin?) never hurt anybody! I’ll buy it by the case. At some point, my body has got to feel the effects of this caffeine overload. Can you say ‘stomach ulcer’?

I imagine that the boozy homeless man, who forages through my recycling bin for returns, sees my pile of sugar free energy drink cans and old plastic coffee cups and says to himself, “and they think I have a problem!” I’ve tried to cut down, lessen my intake; switch evils. I had a great month on Green Tea and water, but it still doesn’t appease my need for the hard stuff.

I’m not a choc-o-holic. I don’t NEED pasta. I can stop at just one potato chip. T.V. for me has pretty much become background noise. Drinks are for Friday nights and friends, but caffeine…I indulge every day, and I don’t know how or why I should stop. Nor am I prepared for the headaches, body aches and overall displeasure that accompany denying me my lifeblood. Until I figure it out, I will be first in line crossing my fingers for that free extra shot of espresso.

Please give a warm welcome to our brand spanking new writer, Meghan! I think you all know her, yes? She was kind enough to step in while Karri had to be away, dealing with a family emergency. So give the new girl some loves…in the form of comments and accolades.