I Didn’t Order That!

Its Monday December 1^st, 2008…do you know where YOUR identity is?  Are you certain about that?  Seems I was having a far too relaxing holiday weekend and my identity, in the form of my Bank Card Information, was having a hootin’ and hollerin’ good time without me.  Apparently, I was all over the internet like some greedy web whore buying myself up site memberships and flaunting the 16 little digits I thought I had tucked safely away in my wallet.

Two Bank e-mails, one 45 minute phone call with the fraud division and one vein popping out in my head later; I was lucky enough to wind down the rest of my weekend with a freeze on my account, while nearly $1700.00 of my money was still missing in action.  It’ll all get put back of course, after a quick trip to my local bank and the signing of a few claim forms.  An affidavit here, new bank card there and voila.  It’s going to be that easy, right?

Considering that some 10 million Americans a year are victims of identity theft, with a loss totaling around $53 billion, I appear to have gotten out of this fairly unscathed.  I’m tremendously grateful they caught the activity when they did and I might have missed the charges until it was too late had they not alerted me.  Although, in going over my online statement with the Fraud Division Specialist, I realized my internet attacker may have been playing a poorly planned (and illegal) joke at my expense.

For instance, there were the membership fees to Yahoo Personals.  Not just a one time membership fee, but 33 one time membership fees of $29.99.  Thirty Three!  Somebody out there really thinks I need to settle down with a nice boy, and is willing to spend my own hard earned money to do it.  I immediately insisted to the division specialist that it looks like we’ve found the culprit…my own mother.  Being computer and internet savvy is NOT one of the reasons I adore her; she could have easily clicked the ‘JOIN’ button 33 times in a row out of impatience for the page to load.

If that wasn’t bad enough, another dating site called Christian Mingle seems to have my money on hold.  Scratch Mom off the list…she wouldn’t pull this one on me; she knows better.  I was still on the phone when I got to the entry that said christianmingle.com.  I believe my exact words were:

“Holy Shit!  Who the fuck would sign me up for Christian Mingle?!”

To which the specialist said, “Okay then…we’ll go ahead and add that to the unauthorized list.”  I think I made myself clear.

There are more, lots more.  Gaming sites, gambling sites; and half a dozen Ukrainian websites that I can’t read…but the girls on the front page make it clear they speak the international languages of tits, ass and Chlamydia.  Visit Kiev…then your Health Practitioner!

Seeing as how I’m fairly uptight about handing over my personal information, I’m definitely curious to find out how this happened.  I don’t dole out my social security number to anyone, shred my documents, cut up and destroy credit card offers; I didn’t even click on the link that would have guaranteed my winnings in that Nigerian Lottery.  So what then?

Until this whole thing is resolved, I’d like to take this time to advise the rest of you to be extremely diligent with your own records.  The U.S. Department of Justice recommends the SCAM Method:

S - Stingy, be stingy about giving out any personal information regardless of who asks.

C - Check your financial information regularly and look for errors or red flags.

A - Ask for a copy of your credit report periodically and verify its contents. And;

M - Maintain careful records of your own regarding all financial accounts.

Otherwise you could end up like me; waking up too early to hit the closest local Branch Office to waste away hours of your life trying to explain to strangers that you really aren’t into Amateur Ukrainian Porn.

Well, I had one eye-opening Sunday afternoon, ladies and gents!  Has this ever happened to you or somebody you know?  How much loot were you out?  Who the hell orders somebody 33+ Personal Ad memberships in the span of 24hrs?  How closely do you check YOUR financial records and credit report?  Most of all…do I go to the cops and prosecute this little bugger?  Seriously!

Back It Up

Happy Sunday, folks! We hope you’ve all recovered from your long road trips, Tryptophan hangovers and Black Friday super sales. Since you may have been indulging in one or more of the previously mentioned spectacular holiday events, here’s your weekly Eve-101 recap…

While perusing this week’s highlights, you may notice that we had a little contest around these parts on Tuesday. And being as how I’m still feeling quite indecisive I need your help. I’ve narrowed down my top 3 choices to win some Eve-101 paraphernalia, but I’m going to leave it up to you, our loyal readers to vote on the winner. Simply cast your vote in the comment section for which answer you fancy the most…# 1, 2, or 3.

In no particular order, these were their answers to the question:

You’re most outrageous Thanksgiving memory is?

1) “Nothing terribly outrageous. Oh - spending it in a psych ward?? Does that count?”

2) “My most outrageous Thanksgiving memory is when my brother-in-law refused to take off his hat at the dinner table, so my old man said, “ok then”, and dropped trou in front of all of us and sat back down at the table. Apparently if you some wear hats, some *dont* need pants…it was truly horrifying”

3) “Most outrageous Thanksgiving….besides the cousins doing it with each other in the bathroom? They all kind of blend into one another that I’m desensitized by any kind of outrageousness going on at this point. It’s just a very unusual day.”

Please cast your vote in the comment section with a # 1, 2 or 3. Remember, you decide who wins!

Now, on to the week in review…

McLovin’ It…Or Not.

It seems this past July, Phillip Sherman left his cell phone behind at a Fayetteville, Arkansas McDonald’s;  a cell phone that contained nude and racy pictures of his wife, Tina.  While employees of the franchise assured Sherman they would keep the phone secure until it could be returned, the photos were leaked onto an internet website along with Tina Sherman’s name, address and telephone number.

While the cat’s away…

Since you’re all grown-ups and you know right from wrong (you do, don’t you?) the last thing you need to read is an inspirational message from me about all of the things you should be appreciative for. Instead let’s purge all of our pre-holiday frustrations about the things we aren’t so thrilled about, m’kay?

Packed Up and Ready To Rage

Ahhh, to be on the open road during the Holiday Season.  While many of you might be staying local for tomorrow’s feast and festivities; others know all too well they’re in for some mighty fun and ultra relaxing Holiday Driving!  The stress up till now has been fairly low maintenance.  You know who’s bringing who, who’s bringing what and to whose house; now it’s time to pack up your car, your patience and get there.  Assuming, that is, you still want to go.

Happy Endings

Dear Eve,

I’m all for intimacy and cuddling after sex, but at what point do you get cleaned up? I’ve read a lot here about doing it, but there’s not much mention of the fact that after sex, you are both all sweaty and sticky. So, what do you do? Do you just lay there in it with jizz oozing down your leg? That’s REAL romantic! Does anyone go to sleep like that?

Personally, I like to head straight for the shower as soon as my boyfriend and I are finished, but he hates it. He wants me to lay and snuggle in our filth.  I’m starting to feel guilty and like I’m not romantic enough for him, but I just feel gross afterwards and must clean myself immediately.

Feeling Naughty, or Nice?

Now that we’ve managed to make it through Thanksgiving, we have one more month left to go in the official Holiday Season.  Like the song says, it’s the most wonderful time of the year, and I think I understand why.  There seems to be a school of thought that we can get away with anything right now, and chalk it all up to it being ‘The Holidays’.  December is the most excuse laden month of the year, just right for all of us questionable guys and gals that have been waiting eleven months for a little guilt free indulgence and debauchery.  Just me?

May you all be enjoying full bellies and very little debt on this post Thanksgiving day of rest. We’ll see you next week for yet another supercalifragalisticexpealodocious time here at Eve-101!

Feeling Naughty, or Nice?

Now that we’ve managed to make it through Thanksgiving, we have one more month left to go in the official Holiday Season.  Like the song says, it’s the most wonderful time of the year, and I think I understand why.  There seems to be a school of thought that we can get away with anything right now, and chalk it all up to it being ‘The Holidays’.  December is the most excuse laden month of the year, just right for all of us questionable guys and gals that have been waiting eleven months for a little guilt free indulgence and debauchery.  Just me?

If the rest of the world can blame stress, weight gain, depression, impulsivity and overall piss poor behavior on 31 little days in December, then why can’t I?  Without divulging the gritty details, I’ve had a hell of monster year in 2008.  I plan on using ‘The Holidays’ to excuse all 5 of the following activities, should they occur.

Drinking Heavily

These days, I’m more likely to have a few and then get extreme giggles laughing at others (and myself) on the walk home with my friends.  That’s way under the silly season bar tab I’m capable of.  This year I’ll throw on my college sweatshirt and make like its 1998; when all I had to worry about was finals and tasty, tasty shots.  Besides, holiday cocktails and cleverly named ‘tinis’ mean I am allowed to celebrate and push it over the edge.  The Grinch’s heart grew three sizes, my liver is feeling left out.

Eat Like ‘Skinny Santa’ on a Mission

I’ll need plenty of food to help absorb the continual flow of alcohol.  I suggest the USDA develops a temporary Food Pyramid until the light of January 1^st hits my good china.  The first five tiers will consist of flour, sugar, butter, frosting and anything colored red and green.  I will reserve for the tippy top for nutritious grains, vegetables and omega-3s which I will use sparingly.

Become a Manic Shopaholic

My bank account managed to get out of Black Friday unscathed, but I am tossing that caution to the wind this very instant.  If someone else in the store wants it, I will then have to have it.  Everybody knows I’m a sucker for gadgets and it’s time to stop turning down impulse buys for the sake of reason.  My cart will overflow with digital, wireless, high def and flat screen plasma goodness.  It’ll all fit in my car nicely, but I’ll pay extra to have it delivered just so my neighbors can see what a great year it’s been.

Fist Fight in a Strip Mall

We can’t seem to let a year go by without at least one individual getting trampled, beaten or run over with an SUV out of holiday shopping stress.  That combined with the fact I absolutely hate shopping and 90% of all Christmas music, somebody could get hurt.  Truthfully I’ve only been in one physical altercation in my life.  A woman took a swing at me, missed; I reacted by swinging back and broke her nose.  Fight over.  So go ahead and test me in front of Linens N Things, I’m feeling scrappy.

Casual Sex in an Office Setting

I don’t have any real co-workers in what I do for a living, so I was quick to rule out awkward office party sex.  Yet seeing as how every day until the ball drops in Times Square there’s an office party going on somewhere, my chances are still good.  I’ll just appear out of nowhere, claim to be ‘from the New York Office’ and nail a random Jr. Executive in the Board Room.  The break room is probably occupied with other Christmas tree star crossed lovers that got a little too tipsy under the mistletoe.

Then, on New Year’s Day, I will wake up refreshed and ready to make my list of resolutions for 2009.  Including, of course, an array of doctor’s appointments because December left me a physical wreck and a possible ‘carrier’.

Okay, I probably won’t do any of those things.  Rest assured if one or two of them squeak by that it wasn’t my fault, just the reason for the season.

It’s December!  Everybody geared up for the Holidays?  What the hell gets into some people this time of year?  What stresses you ladies and gents out during the Silly Season?  Money? Shopping? Crowds? Cookies?  What will you be indulging in over the next 31 days of promotional bliss?  Care to share your ghosts of Holidays Past? Remember, I’m feeling scrappy…

Happy Endings

Dear Eve,

I’m all for intimacy and cuddling after sex, but at what point do you get cleaned up? I’ve read a lot here about doing it, but there’s not much mention of the fact that after sex, you are both all sweaty and sticky. So, what do you do? Do you just lay there in it with jizz oozing down your leg? That’s REAL romantic! Does anyone go to sleep like that?

Personally, I like to head straight for the shower as soon as my boyfriend and I are finished, but he hates it. He wants me to lay and snuggle in our filth.  I’m starting to feel guilty and like I’m not romantic enough for him, but I just feel gross afterwards and must clean myself immediately.

So, you guys, give me some insight.
Not So Dirty Girl

Dear Super Sanitary Girl,

Why must you go and turn a perfectly delightful experience into something foul? Would you rather be getting it on with your other half in a sterile environment like oh, say… a Gynecologist’s office? Mmmm…the fresh scent of antibacterial soap, that ought to get everyone in the mood. Although stirrups could come in handy, I doubt if you’re the kind of girl that would embrace such a naughty tryst. No offense, but you seem a little uptight and we can’t blame it on the fact that you need to get laid, now can we?

Seriously sweets, lighten up on the Germaphobia why don’t you? It’s not as if your boyfriend is asking you to engage in poop-play, he just wants to stroke your hair and whisper sweet nothings in your ear. Sure post-coital snuggling and whatnot isn’t for everyone, but is it too much to ask that you compromise a wee bit and stop whining like a finicky little pain in the ass?

Now, while a little cuddle time is a priority for him, your health is also. So, I’m going to give you a hall pass of sorts. Before you start to resemble a frosted doughnut you need to get yourself to the potty to help prevent UTI’s and other germ related infections. Don’t worry your pretty little head…while the vajaja is a fragile environment, you aren’t going to start baking bread in the 5 minutes that you’ll spend getting spooned, so relax!

It’s time for you to put your big girl panties on and turn your ick-o-meter down a tad, m’kay? Albeit sometimes messy, sexy time should be fun and frivolous not something that makes you vomit in your mouth a little. So, rather than sprinting to the faucet while your bits are still tingly, why don’t you include the clean-up as part of your routine together? It’s a win-win…you’ll be clean and your beau will enjoy his happy ending with you by his side.

Perhaps store a box of vanilla scented Pleasure Wipes next to the bed for quick and easy cleansing. Or, if vanilla doesn’t suit your fancy simply use a towel. (I’d suggest a sock, but I’m certain that’s not an option for a spick ‘n span kinda’ gal like you.) If those suggestions just won’t work for you, invite him to join you in the shower… just make sure you pee first!

KISSKISS
LOVELOVE,
Eve

What say you…is getting a little messy part of the fun or is our girl a little on the prudish side? What’s your post-romp routine? Are you a crusty sleeper or a clean freak? And does boyfriend have the right to be upset or should he just accept her idiosyncrasy? Let’s hear it, folks…the jury is waiting.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM EVE-101

On behalf of Eve-101.com, we would all like to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving Holiday!

We are tremendously thankful to have you part of our EVE family.  Your support, comments and input helps shape this URL and we owe you for a happy site, and a Happy Holiday!

We’ll be back up and running Friday with more EVE shenanigans to keep you entertained.

Love and Kisses,

EVE

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