Back It Up

Happy Sunday, folks! We hope you’ve all recovered from your long road trips, Tryptophan hangovers and Black Friday super sales. Since you may have been indulging in one or more of the previously mentioned spectacular holiday events, here’s your weekly Eve-101 recap…

While perusing this week’s highlights, you may notice that we had a little contest around these parts on Tuesday. And being as how I’m still feeling quite indecisive I need your help. I’ve narrowed down my top 3 choices to win some Eve-101 paraphernalia, but I’m going to leave it up to you, our loyal readers to vote on the winner. Simply cast your vote in the comment section for which answer you fancy the most…# 1, 2, or 3.

In no particular order, these were their answers to the question:

You’re most outrageous Thanksgiving memory is?

1) “Nothing terribly outrageous. Oh - spending it in a psych ward?? Does that count?”

2) “My most outrageous Thanksgiving memory is when my brother-in-law refused to take off his hat at the dinner table, so my old man said, “ok then”, and dropped trou in front of all of us and sat back down at the table. Apparently if you some wear hats, some *dont* need pants…it was truly horrifying”

3) “Most outrageous Thanksgiving….besides the cousins doing it with each other in the bathroom? They all kind of blend into one another that I’m desensitized by any kind of outrageousness going on at this point. It’s just a very unusual day.”

Please cast your vote in the comment section with a # 1, 2 or 3. Remember, you decide who wins!

Now, on to the week in review…

McLovin’ It…Or Not.

It seems this past July, Phillip Sherman left his cell phone behind at a Fayetteville, Arkansas McDonald’s;  a cell phone that contained nude and racy pictures of his wife, Tina.  While employees of the franchise assured Sherman they would keep the phone secure until it could be returned, the photos were leaked onto an internet website along with Tina Sherman’s name, address and telephone number.

While the cat’s away…

Since you’re all grown-ups and you know right from wrong (you do, don’t you?) the last thing you need to read is an inspirational message from me about all of the things you should be appreciative for. Instead let’s purge all of our pre-holiday frustrations about the things we aren’t so thrilled about, m’kay?

Packed Up and Ready To Rage

Ahhh, to be on the open road during the Holiday Season.  While many of you might be staying local for tomorrow’s feast and festivities; others know all too well they’re in for some mighty fun and ultra relaxing Holiday Driving!  The stress up till now has been fairly low maintenance.  You know who’s bringing who, who’s bringing what and to whose house; now it’s time to pack up your car, your patience and get there.  Assuming, that is, you still want to go.

Happy Endings

Dear Eve,

I’m all for intimacy and cuddling after sex, but at what point do you get cleaned up? I’ve read a lot here about doing it, but there’s not much mention of the fact that after sex, you are both all sweaty and sticky. So, what do you do? Do you just lay there in it with jizz oozing down your leg? That’s REAL romantic! Does anyone go to sleep like that?

Personally, I like to head straight for the shower as soon as my boyfriend and I are finished, but he hates it. He wants me to lay and snuggle in our filth.  I’m starting to feel guilty and like I’m not romantic enough for him, but I just feel gross afterwards and must clean myself immediately.

Feeling Naughty, or Nice?

Now that we’ve managed to make it through Thanksgiving, we have one more month left to go in the official Holiday Season.  Like the song says, it’s the most wonderful time of the year, and I think I understand why.  There seems to be a school of thought that we can get away with anything right now, and chalk it all up to it being ‘The Holidays’.  December is the most excuse laden month of the year, just right for all of us questionable guys and gals that have been waiting eleven months for a little guilt free indulgence and debauchery.  Just me?

May you all be enjoying full bellies and very little debt on this post Thanksgiving day of rest. We’ll see you next week for yet another supercalifragalisticexpealodocious time here at Eve-101!

McLovin’ It…Or Not.

Well, McDonald’s, you seem to be in the hot seat again.  Just when Ronald was getting comfortably creepy on a bench in the Play space, watching the young uns crawl around in a microbe ridden ball pit; it seems he’s being hauled back into court.  Phillip and Tina Sherman of Arkansas are suing the McDonald’s Corporation for a reported $3 million to compensate the couple for embarrassment, loss of earnings and having to relocate to a new home.  Not because they spilled their dangerously hot coffee or that they woke up one day, dumbfounded at their own obesity; no it’s far more personal than that.

It seems this past July, Phillip Sherman left his cell phone behind at a Fayetteville, Arkansas McDonald’s;  a cell phone that contained nude and racy pictures of his wife, Tina.  While employees of the franchise assured Sherman they would keep the phone secure until it could be returned, the photos were leaked onto an internet website along with Tina Sherman’s name, address and telephone number.

In a brilliant move of calculated genius, the McDonald’s employees responsible actually admitted on the website that they found the pictures in a cell phone left at their restaurant.  So the next time you reach out your window for a sack full of awful cheeseburgers prepared in 90 seconds and 3 hours ago, know that you are coming face to face with some of the great criminal masterminds of our century.

Soon after the photos were leaked, Tina Sherman began receiving harassing phone calls and messages.  It left her emotionally distressed, embarrassed the Sherman’s in the community; and clearly prevented her from stripping down nude to send additional photographs to loved ones who hadn’t yet seen her in the birthday suit.  The horror.

While I enjoy a frivolous lawsuit involving a couple of morons as much as the next morally casual dame, I’m not sure how much coin McDonald’s should really be out for this mess.  I’m not defending the theft of the photos, certainly not the uploading them to a website and allowing her personal information to be displayed.  Maybe, however this will finally teach a long awaited lesson…no?

Seriously, when are people going to stop acting surprised when they get caught in the act like this?  Celebrity sex tapes, iPhones getting hacked, and now the fine ladies of Arkansas getting their nakey pics stolen at a burger joint?  I’m lacking the sympathies needed on this one to justify these two knuckleheads three million dollars.

I’m not opposed to Tina Sherman’s right or desire to send the racy photos to her husband’s cell phone…but I have questions.  Namely, why exactly did the husband feel the need to keep said photos in the phone of his blushing bride?  Was he going to whip them out at work to show his coworkers?  ‘Here’s the missus, rolling around on our marital bed with nothing but fishnets and a smile.  Ain’t she something?’

Furthermore, if he left his phone there with the pictures stored away under ‘To-Do List’ ( I made that up), why the hell didn’t he hightail it back to Mickie D’s and get the phone before it was too late?  There might be Wi-Fi at the Fayetteville McDonald’s, but I seriously doubt these employees went racing into action to upload the pictures in question.  How long did it take either of them to recognize that, ‘Holy Shit!  Our naked pictures are on that phone!’?

If you haven’t already hit Google looking for the Tina Sherman pics, don’t bother…I can’t seem to find them anywhere.  I made many attempts to track them down and all I got were warnings from my Anti-Virus program that I was under attack.  No thank you…I learned my lesson with the Gene Simmons sex tape.

I’m sorry this woman’s privacy was invaded and I in no way condone the McDonald’s employee’s actions.  I do, however think that you run a certain risk anytime you click or record yourself doing anything you don’t want made public.  If you are going to snap and shoot, you better be prepared to own up to it once it gets into the wrong hands.  Even if those hands are making your food…gross.

Just take comfort, Tina Sherman that in a few days we will forget all about you, even if some of us have seen you naked.

What do you think of the latest headline, Eve readers?  Does this carefully organized twosome deserve $3 million dollars for their own negligence?  Any pity left for individuals, celebrity or not who play victim after their naughty bits are leaked to the interwebs?  What say you…

Bonding…Or Binding?

My Virginity…how long has it been, old friend?  Not to be cruel, but you’ll be happy to know that I’ve lived a pretty full life up to this point without you.  I mean, what we had was good; but you knew it was a matter of time before I placed you on a shelf next to the rest of my formidable years.  No, I didn’t wait till marriage.  You see, I’m 31 and if I had waited this long people could have gotten hurt.  Or maybe I would have married for all the wrong reasons just to push you away.  That would never happen, would it?  I mean - it’s incredibly unrealistic to wait for marriage in these times, no?

Not according to Purity Balls; a TLC documentary that highlights an annual event in Colorado Springs, Colorado.  It’s here that fathers and daughters gather to celebrate their growing relationship and show their devotion to one another.  Oh, and sign a covenant that they will remain pure and chaste until marriage.  Just your typical Father Daughter Dance complete with a giant wooden cross and the ghost of Sigmund Freud choking on a Rocky Mountain Oyster in the corner.  How fitting?

This particular Purity Ball is in its 10^th year, and hosted by New Life Church members Randy and Lisa Wilson; parents to seven children, 5 of which are daughters.  The Wilson Ball is the original ball and considered to be the most elegant and ‘romantic’ in the country.  Um, romantic?  Isn’t that against the rules?

Girls as young as five years old, in satin beaded gowns will walk on their fathers polished shoes, while entrusting their hearts to Daddy and bodies to the Lord.  That’s until their earthly father, hallowed be thy name, has chosen a proper suitor and husband.  It’s not just happening in Colorado Springs; over 4700 of them have been held in the United States this past year alone.  In fact some are calling it a ‘New Movement’ against what has become a ‘hook-up’ culture; and it’s kind of making my skin crawl.

Ok, outwardly I understand the basic social dynamics of this celebration.  I’m trying to keep the ‘Ick’ factor away from the common sense part of my brain.  Obviously, I am all for positive relationships between fathers and daughters.  A father should do everything he can to make his daughter feel loved, prized, special and most of all worthy of respect.  The fathers that attend say this is a turning point in their relationships…that because they value their daughters so much, they won’t run out and seek validation from other men.  Mayyyybe, but it still creates a whole new set of daddy issues for me.

Listening to these young girls talk about their pledge made me want to clean out my ears.  I did, several times, I was hearing them correctly.  According to their beliefs on the matter, there is one man out there you are going to marry.  So any relationship you have before you meet them is essentially cheating.  As one attendee put it, “When you date one on one our emotions become involved and we give little pieces away and when we marry we don’t have a whole heart to give to our husband.”  Her name is Hannah, she’s 11 and this will be her 5^th Purity Ball with her father.

Reportedly, 1 in 6 girls in America makes a Purity Pledge.  While it might not last for some through their hormonal teen years, for others it rings true.  Now a happy housewife, one young woman states that she didn’t even hold hands with her husband before their wedding night…figured it would be distracting from getting to know each others hearts before they got married.  Her father conducted the ceremony.  I feel that ‘ick’ factor again…

On the day of the ball there is dinner, dancing and the signing of the Purity Covenant.  Daughters then stand, if they wish, and thank their fathers for helping to guide them through this struggle, because they know they want to marry a man just like him.  Or at least, that’s what they’ve been told.  Considering they are giving their hearts to God first, their fathers 2^nd and then to their husbands, I’m not sure if it was ever their heart to rule in the first place.

Come on!  It was a Purity Ball, people!  Feel all clean and sparkly?  What do you think about this Covenant of Chastity?  Is it simply a way for fathers and daughters to bond, or is it unnatural?  What were your dating rules and how much say did your parents have?   Can’t your feelings for your lover be considered pure and chaste?  Speak now, and if you want to share your ‘losing it’ stories this could get real interesting…

Teen Movie Meltdown

Anyone who outwardly declares themselves a ‘Movie Buff’ will also tend to assert the following.  One, they can go toe to toe with just about anyone on movie quotes, never to be out quoted; Two, they have better taste in movies than you do…and you’re just going to have to trust them on that.  It isn’t about being some sort of Pop Culture Elitist, but I’m inclined to agree with the line from High Fidelity, “What really matters is what you like, not what you are like.  Books, records, films; these things matter.  Call me shallow, it’s the fucking truth.”

Now, you may wholeheartedly disagree with that statement, and you’re welcome to do so down below.  I feel obligated to tell you that when searching for that quote in Google, I had barely typed in the word ‘High…’ and I was eagerly presented the three High School Musical movies as options.  Sweet Jesus!  Not what I was looking for, Google; but thank you validating my feelings about why I’m writing this.

I don’t really care that I’m dating myself here, but I would feel terribly let down if I had to suffer as a teenager in today’s Pop Culture dead zone.  It’s bad enough going through it as a consenting adult who chooses to simply shake their head at the absurdity of it all.  I know my rights.  I can just change the channel, and then another channel, and another; why are these girls hussied up like Atlantic City Hookers??

I blame men like John Hughes, Cameron Crowe and others for spoiling me, essentially ruining me for life when it comes to what I consider to be worthwhile viewing.  They gave me Teen classics such as The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink and Say Anything.  Movies that represented what being a teenager used to mean. You’re awkward, you stumble, you eek your way through it and “screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place.”

In Say Anything it was okay for Diane Court to be both smart and beautiful.  Yet in today’s teen genre Diane Court would be the ugly duckling the popular girls would give the makeover to.  Diane didn’t end up one of the most popular girls, but she did end up with loveably misplaced Lloyd Dobler who wanted to be “…friends, with potential.”  Not just friends with benefits.  I might still be harboring my 20 year crush on John Cusack…but so are you and that’s not the point.

These are the movies I can watch over and over again - not just because I am clawing at my youth, but because they were good!  The Breakfast Club is 23 years old - you read that right.  I watched it just last night and enjoyed all 97 minutes of it.  Secure with the fact that if it came out today it wouldn’t be followed up in the press that Molly Ringwald sent Anthony Michael Hall Polaroids proving she was a real redhead.

Will Kenny Ortega, director of the High School Musical franchise be able to still gather that kind of nostalgia 23 years from now?  Will 40 year olds in 2031 be quoting Ashley Tisdale characters?  I think not.  Maybe they’ll all still be jazzed up about Ortega’s 2010 remake of Footloose starring Zach Efron as Ren McCormack?  It was hard enough in 1984 to believe there are towns that don’t allow music and dancing.  Even harder to believe in 2010 when its Tween stars iPhones are getting hacked, and pictures of them lining up to fellate Mickey Mouse for coke money start showing up.

No, the Disney Generation will never be the Brat Pack.   Our teenagers were allowed to be just that, teenagers.  Gangly, scared, strange and beautifully flawed.  No makeup artists or record contracts.  Just movies I’ll watch another 23 years from now.

Now that I have 80’s Teen angst on my brain…I’m feeling a bit nostalgic.  Am I the only one who can’t stomach these Disney Machine movies?  Am I looking through Rose Colored Ray Bans, or did the movies of John Hughes and Cameron Crowe actually have some substance?  Does anyone else miss Duckie as badly as I do?  What’s your favorite teen movie moment…if it’s a kid nailing an Apple Pie then you really don’t know what you’ve been missing!  And if you dare to try and out quote me…it.is.on!

What a week it was!

It was a historic week for those of us in the the good ‘ol U.S. of A! Millions of American citizens made their way to the polls; subsequently some celebrated the results and others called their physicians for anti-depressants. Meanwhile we here at Eve-101.com kept plugging along. If you are just resurfacing here is the week in review:

Pageantry and Punditry:

Election 2008 was the Mother of all Reality Shows, complete with developed characters for our viewing pleasure.  We had Joe Six Pack, Joe the Plumber, the Maverick, the Hockey Mom, a-nother Joe (Joey B so you’re not confused), Shrillary and the Not-So-Token Black guy.  Seven individuals all picked together to fuel their campaigns and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting desperate.

Git ‘er dun!:

Ahhh, endless hours of mind numbing escapes from reality…otherwise known as the new American pastime which is Reality TV.  Being one that rarely flips channels I had no idea there was such a vast array of options. Seemingly endless guilty pleasures all scripted to make the average, quasi rational person feel as though their life is beyond spectacular in comparison to the train wrecks seeping through the cable box.

Darling, won’t you go and cut your…foreskin?:

Dear Eve,

I am dating a wonderful, wonderful man.  He is successful, romantic and fun.  We get along and share many common interests.  We have a great physical chemistry.  Or we did.  This is the reason I am writing, I am hoping you or your readers might be able to help me with my phobia.  This man and I were intimate for the first time ever about two weeks ago and I discovered that he is uncircumcised.  I have never even seen a penis like his before and honestly I just didn’t know what to do with it.  I know I am acting strange, we haven’t been intimate since then, but I know he can tell I am avoiding it  And next weekend we have an overnight trip planned. Do you have any advice on how to get over this fear?  I can’t help it, I don’t like it and I wish I could ask him to take care of it but I realize we haven’t been together long enough yet.  Also, I know I couldn’t marry him unless he did get it taken care of, should I just break it off now?  Or should I sacrifice for now and hope that I can change him later?  And last of all, do you have any tips for dealing with an uncircumcised penis?

Colon Munchers:

It’s a stinky topic and certainly not one that’s appropriate dinner conversation. Nonetheless, ignorance is not bliss when it pertains to the overabundance of Protozoa, Trematoda, Cestoda and Nematoda living in your guts. Are you aware that 85% of Americans are contaminated with itsy-bitsy, mass-multiplying, burrowing aliens that are making Swiss cheese out of our innards? Sounds delicious, no? Wait! Don’t go…I’m here to help you rid the worms from your bowels.

Rushio and Hesitette: A Cautionary Tale:

When we are young we often have poetic notions of love swirling around our minds, like a Hollywood movie playing on repeat. It is idealistic and impractical, yet we seek it out just the same. But when we enter into a relationship with these idealist notions in mind, we often lose ourselves in an attempt to “become.” We cast aside our own vulnerable identities and try to be what we perceive to be our partners ideal, fearful that who we truly are might be too much…or not enough at all.

Food Porn For Thought:

Preparing and cooking a meal can evoke incredibly passionate feelings.  For some, those feelings are, ‘I love my family.  Nothing makes me happier than when we all sit down to a homemade meal.’  For others it’s closer to, ‘Holy Shit!  You can microwave bacon?!’…the latter usually surfacing around 2 a.m.  Either way or in between our bodies are our temples and some of us hold sacred the act of feeding them their daily bread.

There you have it folks, the Eve-101 week in review.

How was your week? Were you satisfied with the results of the Presidential race? Would you consider getting married at a demolition derby? Do you think it’s reasonable to ask a man to remove his foreskin? Is colon cleansing a fad or a necessary evil? And what’s in your fridge? So many questions so much to discuss. Let the games begin…

Happy Sunday!
Kiss-Kiss
Love-Love,
Eve-101

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