Send No Money Now, I’ll Bill You Later…

As far as my day job goes…I quit! A mere 24 hours ago I was sitting right here, when the bright lights of ingenuity practically knocked me off my chair like a bolt of lightning. There it was, my future business plan! So long diapers, potty training and soccer practice! I am going to publish the next popular WOMEN’S MAGAZINE!

Don’t look at me like that just because you didn’t think of it first! I’ve spent the better part of the day patting myself on the back; a little admiration isn’t going to chap your ass. This is going to be so easy! Have you read a women’s magazine lately? They’re shit, and if they can do it so can I.

I’ve got mapped out in 10 easy steps.

1 ) Catchy Title: True, many of the good ones are taken. Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Walk off Your Weight (that might not be the real name, but they print it on the cover of every issue).

I’m going to call mine, Limpidity - Because if you can’t figure this shit out for yourself, we’re happy to charge you $3.99/issue.

2 ) Open With A Bang: Right out of the gates we are going to reel you in with our giant FIND YOUR PERFECT JEANS ISSUE! Everything you wanted to know about denim for those of you that don’t have a full length mirror or nerve endings in your ass and legs. This insightful commentary will run over a minimum of 25 fascinating pages.

For example, did you know Super Model Gisele likes to wear her jeans super long? Of course, most of us gals don’t have Tom Brady walking in front of us sweeping a clean path dropping rose petals. I hear he doesn’t like his women with scuffed pants; or with child. Think of poor Gisele’s lack of options had she not found the right pair of jeans??

To close our BIG JEANS extravaganza, I will post an image of an 85 lb. model in tight pants whose knees are buckling under the weight of her chandelier earrings. Further proof that ‘Skinny Jeans Are Slimming!’

3 ) World Issues: I will have at least one 200 word blurb about a dressed down half celebrity holding the hand of a third world child, for some cause we’ve never heard of. If Mena Suvari has the heart to fly all the way to Mbuji-Mayi for her new M.E.N.A. Foundation (Many Envy Nourishment in Africa), you bet your ass we are going to print it. Besides, she’s paying for the publicity.

4 ) The Look: I will acquire the necessary editing and Photoshop skills to make Jessica Alba appear darker, Beyonce to appear lighter and Fergie to appear to be not made of plastic.

5 ) In The Know: Limpidity will answer all of your lifeless, recycled and calculated questions. Chlorine at the pool drying your hair out?? I’ve got just the product! Vagina not what it used to be? Hello anatomy map and Kegels! Cause if you haven’t heard of Kegel muscles by now, your vag is gonna need it.

6 ) Keeping You On Your Toes: I will use words like back-stage, up-do, faux, chic, tunic and high wasted to describe a half eaten avocado. Just to make sure you are actually paying attention as opposed to jerking off to the Maybelline ad, or flipping pages on the shitter.

7 ) The Fashions: Our new Fall looks will send your head spinning because they include clothes you’d expect a crazy schizophrenic cat lady to wear. Don’t worry; they will be modeled by pretty people in front of a windy thatched cottage. You can’t afford them anyway.

8 ) We’re Just Being Honest: I will allow sponsorship from a minimum of three Birth Control Providers. Let’s face it, you aren’t taking it to regulate your periods; you’re taking it because you are a whore.

9 ) One For The Boys: I am currently combing every Abercrombie and Fitch Store on the Eastern Seaboard getting opinions on what men really want. You know, emotional support, a gal who isn’t afraid to leave the house with no makeup in an old t-shirt, someone to grow with them…Oh yeah, and a sandwich after a blowjob.

10 ) Taking Ourselves Seriously: I will work tirelessly to print one article a month dedicated to a serious news issue. Proving that at Limpidity, we recognize we are all Citizens of the world. It’ll be a snap, because after you get to the notation that says continued on page 197, you’ll forget all about wanting to finish it and throw us on your coffee table. Article DONE!

It’s a fool proof and completely executable business plan. I’ve got to get back to the drawing board for now, I’ve got 12 tips on Massaging Your Man’s Hot Spot and I need to figure out a high brow manner of describing the taint. We’re a classy magazine, thank you very much!

What do YOU think? Are these magazines just a bunch of mindless regurgitated drivel, or do you actually read them and learn about yourself? Do you trust their perspective? What’s the worst advice you’ve ever read in one of these rags? Would you like to subscribe to Limpidity?