McLovin’ It…Or Not.

Well, McDonald’s, you seem to be in the hot seat again.  Just when Ronald was getting comfortably creepy on a bench in the Play space, watching the young uns crawl around in a microbe ridden ball pit; it seems he’s being hauled back into court.  Phillip and Tina Sherman of Arkansas are suing the McDonald’s Corporation for a reported $3 million to compensate the couple for embarrassment, loss of earnings and having to relocate to a new home.  Not because they spilled their dangerously hot coffee or that they woke up one day, dumbfounded at their own obesity; no it’s far more personal than that.

It seems this past July, Phillip Sherman left his cell phone behind at a Fayetteville, Arkansas McDonald’s;  a cell phone that contained nude and racy pictures of his wife, Tina.  While employees of the franchise assured Sherman they would keep the phone secure until it could be returned, the photos were leaked onto an internet website along with Tina Sherman’s name, address and telephone number.

In a brilliant move of calculated genius, the McDonald’s employees responsible actually admitted on the website that they found the pictures in a cell phone left at their restaurant.  So the next time you reach out your window for a sack full of awful cheeseburgers prepared in 90 seconds and 3 hours ago, know that you are coming face to face with some of the great criminal masterminds of our century.

Soon after the photos were leaked, Tina Sherman began receiving harassing phone calls and messages.  It left her emotionally distressed, embarrassed the Sherman’s in the community; and clearly prevented her from stripping down nude to send additional photographs to loved ones who hadn’t yet seen her in the birthday suit.  The horror.

While I enjoy a frivolous lawsuit involving a couple of morons as much as the next morally casual dame, I’m not sure how much coin McDonald’s should really be out for this mess.  I’m not defending the theft of the photos, certainly not the uploading them to a website and allowing her personal information to be displayed.  Maybe, however this will finally teach a long awaited lesson…no?

Seriously, when are people going to stop acting surprised when they get caught in the act like this?  Celebrity sex tapes, iPhones getting hacked, and now the fine ladies of Arkansas getting their nakey pics stolen at a burger joint?  I’m lacking the sympathies needed on this one to justify these two knuckleheads three million dollars.

I’m not opposed to Tina Sherman’s right or desire to send the racy photos to her husband’s cell phone…but I have questions.  Namely, why exactly did the husband feel the need to keep said photos in the phone of his blushing bride?  Was he going to whip them out at work to show his coworkers?  ‘Here’s the missus, rolling around on our marital bed with nothing but fishnets and a smile.  Ain’t she something?’

Furthermore, if he left his phone there with the pictures stored away under ‘To-Do List’ ( I made that up), why the hell didn’t he hightail it back to Mickie D’s and get the phone before it was too late?  There might be Wi-Fi at the Fayetteville McDonald’s, but I seriously doubt these employees went racing into action to upload the pictures in question.  How long did it take either of them to recognize that, ‘Holy Shit!  Our naked pictures are on that phone!’?

If you haven’t already hit Google looking for the Tina Sherman pics, don’t bother…I can’t seem to find them anywhere.  I made many attempts to track them down and all I got were warnings from my Anti-Virus program that I was under attack.  No thank you…I learned my lesson with the Gene Simmons sex tape.

I’m sorry this woman’s privacy was invaded and I in no way condone the McDonald’s employee’s actions.  I do, however think that you run a certain risk anytime you click or record yourself doing anything you don’t want made public.  If you are going to snap and shoot, you better be prepared to own up to it once it gets into the wrong hands.  Even if those hands are making your food…gross.

Just take comfort, Tina Sherman that in a few days we will forget all about you, even if some of us have seen you naked.

What do you think of the latest headline, Eve readers?  Does this carefully organized twosome deserve $3 million dollars for their own negligence?  Any pity left for individuals, celebrity or not who play victim after their naughty bits are leaked to the interwebs?  What say you…

Pageantry and Punditry

We’re at the end of the trail, my friends.  I know how hard it is to believe it’s over.  We’ve been through a lot with one another and we all deserve to finally break free for the last leg of this race, and cross the finish line.  It has, after all been a marathon of rumors, platforms, primaries, pundits and debates.  Tomorrow, on Tuesday, November 4^th 2008 we will cast our votes for President of the United States of America.

You WILL be voting, right?  Lining up in your favorite Library or Elementary School gym?  Please tell me that you haven’t received a Robo-Call that the Election has been postponed?!  You know, something involving Maritime Laws, the recent economic crisis; or Karl Rove stubbing his toe while loading refurbished Diebold Voting Machines into swing states?  I assure you, we are on for Tuesday - that’s tomorrow, a day from now…REALLY.

Considering what a ground breaking and mind numbing campaign it  has been, we here at EVE-101 have remained politically neutral with our content; for the most part.  Oh sure, we took a jab or two at Lego-haired John Edwards and his affair with Rielle Hunter - who knew the National Enquirer was a viable news source?  No, we felt it best to keep our hats out of the political ring and tried to use our space to entertain you.

Not that this campaign hasn’t been its own form of constant entertainment.  My inbox has been on fire with clips from Saturday Night Live and cartooned donkeys and elephants in wacky happenstance for a solid 6months.  Who knew we were a country that was obsessed with moose jokes?  In humor, as we know lies truth; and the truth about half of this nonsense is that we couldn’t make this stuff up if we tried.

Election 2008 was the Mother of all Reality Shows, complete with developed characters for our viewing pleasure.  We had Joe Six Pack, Joe the Plumber, the Maverick, the Hockey Mom, a-nother Joe (Joey B so you’re not confused), Shrillary and the Not-So-Token Black guy.  Seven individuals all picked together to fuel their campaigns and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting desperate.

Now don’t go running out and carving a backwards letter ‘B’ into your face just yet…not everyone knows who their voting for.  There’s still time to turn those voters who have waited until the big day to pick their candidate.  I mean after all, they are two completely different choices across the board.  Sometimes you want an apple, sometimes you want a banana…we aren’t judging you for your obvious lack of logical decision making skills.  We encourage you all to exercise your rights and make the choice you think best suits your fickle needs.  Vote People!

We have an eye on you homeless citizens of Ohio, by the way.  You don’t get a pass from us for not submitting your ballot on time.  A federal judge in Ohio recently ensured your voting rights by allowing homeless voters to list park benches and other locations that aren’t buildings as a means to register.  So come on all you benevolent and politically informed squatters!  Throw on your best tattered cardigan, here’s a pint of hooch and be sure to pick the candidate that best represents you!  Wink, wink.

Ahhh, Election 2008…it will all be over soon.  We have so little time left with one another; I’m almost sad to see you go.  You ARE going to go, right?  Seriously, it’s not that we haven’t enjoyed our time together, but if you don’t leave how can we ever truly miss you.

Well Ladies and Gents…this is it.  What do you have to say about this election year?  How bumpy of a road have you been riding to the White House?  What’s your take on our potential leaders?  Any favorite news stories from Election ‘08?  Care to share who you are voting for and why?  Let it fly, my politicos!  It’s officially our last campaign day!

Virginity…the key to longevity?

Ms. Clara Meadmore, a retired secretary living in Glassgow, celebrated her 105^th Birthday this past Saturday. It’s not too much of a surprise, nor is it barely notable these days… people who celebrate 100 plus years of living and breathing. But Ms. Meadmore’s self-proclaimed key to longevity would more than likely cause most of us to pause. No, she isn’t a vegetarian or a fitness fanatic; she doesn’t even oppose smoking and drinking. Rather, Clara’s claim to a long life is her ability to remain virtuous.

Okay, okay…it’s not beyond the realm of likelihood that some people truly manage to become 40, 50 or even 105 year old virgins. However, Ms. Meadmore’s reasons for abstaining throughout her entire life are what I find perplexing. You see, Clara was apparently ahead of her time…she is quite the independent and self-sufficient woman who saved her salary and spent the money going on walking tours in many parts of Britain in the 1920’s and 1930’s. She believes in doing things her own way (a motto this girl enthusiastically supports) and apparently that includes saving herself not for marriage, but for death…a decision she made at the ripe old age of 12 and has never reconsidered.

Granted, she likely still has her hair because she hasn’t yanked it out in moments of frustration with the opposite sex. And while I’m in awe that her sharp wit and teeth remain in tact, I can’t imagine what her soul is missing. Now, don’t get me wrong, Ms. Meadmore’s life thus far seems to have been fulfilling and she’s even entertained several platonic relationships with men. However, she chose life long abstinence because she “imagined there is a lot of hassle involved” and she’s always “been busy doing other things.” Busy doing what exactly? She didn’t have the time or inclination to squeeze in a rendezvous or two whilst traipsing across the countryside on her walking tours? Seriously, a backpack and blisters are far more daunting than occasionally dropping your drawers, no?

Although I wholeheartedly support intermittent vows of celibacy in the name of self-preservation, isn’t an entire lifetime’s worth a bit much?  One would think that a woman like Clara who is so independent would embrace all that life has to offer…including sexy time.  Although Ms. Meadmore contributes her extra long life to keeping her hoo-ha penis free, personally, I’d venture to say that it has more to do with the fact that she’s never owned a television. Nonetheless, Happy Birthday Clara…Mother Theresa would be proud!

What do you think folks? Is it possible that Ms. Meadmore has lived 105 years because she’s never been deflowered? Could you, would you, ever give up the bow-chica-bow-wow if you were guaranteed a longer life span? If you could have both…a long life and sexual fulfillment, would you even want to live to see 105? And did anyone else notice the striking resemblance between Clara and Mother Theresa?

Growing Pains

Growing up is grand…well mostly, anyways. A lot of us learn to be a little more observant…a little more patient… some of us may even come to terms with the fact that while we have dominion over our own mental existence… as far as our worldly existence we’re just a speck in the sands of time .

Sure that was a little over dramatic, I’m willing to admit that… but only if you’ll admit that it made me sound really deep…and grown up and shit!

???

I’m waiting…

Ok now that you’ve conceded or at least politely declined my invitation to partake in this little exchange… I can move along with my point.

Which is…

(Thinking) How do I say this…

I don’t know how to be an adult.

There.

I know I am one, society makes me keenly aware of this on a regular basis. And for the most part I enjoy it … except, well, I feel like an impostor a lot of the time. People assume that I have…like, answers…. to questions and junk. When the hell did that happen?

Some folks assume that I know in which particular direction a very specific highway runs… or that I may know where stores with very specific and grown up sounding names like…Target are located. Or Banana Republic…or Home Depot for that matter, and honestly I don’t f-ing know these things. But apparently I look like someone who should.

No one bothered to take me aside as a lad and tell me that as I got older, people would increasingly believe that I knew about…stuff. And where it was kept…. and how to find it? ME? You’ve gotta be kidding… I don’t even know where my cell phone is right now.

Hmm, that’s not exactly my real point, I guess… but the good news is that it precedes my real point. Though not directly. Maybe you could say it’s the indirect central sub-theme of the larger point I referenced in a previous paragraph . . Okay? (nervous laughter)

What? Are you Confused… don’t worry so am I… we’ll get through this together, though. I swear.

I think what I’m really saying is… I feel like a kid wearing my father’s shoes. Except now people think I ‘m suppose to be as well reasoned as him…because I have his clothes on (figuratively speaking of course.) And I’m supposed to do all the grown up things that people in adult clothes do… like balance a checkbook, and show up to places on time and answer all those grown up questions I was talking about earlier. Oh yeah… aaand I’m suppose to help decide who should be the god damned ruler of the Intergalactic Consortium of Amerilopolous …otherwise known as America. I just don’t think I’m cut out not for that kind of thing. That “my friends… is some straight talk”… not to mention a shit-ton of pressure… I’m just not ready.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been trying… I even watched the Vice Presidential debate.

See… I’m trying to take being adult seriously. … I was even paying attention when those two political types both argued that gay unions with similar benefits to heterosexual marriage should be allowed… at least constitutionally speaking. But like a little kid in over his head I lost it when they both implied that actually calling it marriage is not ok. Whaaa??

Why the hell does it matter what it’s called? Have the otherwise genteel folks at Merriam Webster threatened to riot if the definition of marriage is updated… are they that unwilling to add a part b to the current entry? Really? Does it matter if someone is trying to change the meaning of the word “Marriage”… the meaning of the word taint has changed since I was a kid… no one seems all broken up about that. Should I really care about the way in which anyone identifies their Relationship Status?

I mean… I identify my relationship as awesomey goodness… *coughcoughbecauseIhopetogetlaidsooncoughcough*…and it IS awesomey goodness! I’ve never been told that I can’t refer to it in that manner, though in all honesty, many have said that I probably shouldn’t.

I‘m going to give back my father’s shoes. I’m not ready for this shit. I’m just a love-fuck’d kid who doesn’t mind making up some wizzirds and tweaking the definitions of some other… brotha.

That makes me some kind of a punk I guess. That’s how I know I couldn’t possibly make a good decision about who should run the country… I’m too hung up on trivialities. Obviously, I’m not ready for grown-up games like politics.

So I guess what I’ve been trying to say all along is…

I’m not gonna vote…. peace out adulthood… go find Target by your mother-fucking selves… I’m a Toys R’ Us Kid… fo’ life.

Eve-101 disclaimer: This blog is for entertainment purposes only. The opinions expressed by the guest writer Bryan are not share by the Eve-101 personnel. And fact of the matter is, if Bryan doesn’t actually vote he will not be getting any poon from THIS member of the staff any time soon…

So…Are you voting? Why or why not? Are you following the election coverage? What do you think of all this partisan bullshit rhetoric? Does grown up stuff make you want to bury your head in the sand too?

Now! Leave B your hate mail comments below!

From Russia with Love and Sexual Harassment

Ever wonder about mail order Russian brides? Why Olga, Inga and the like are willing to sell their souls to middle-aged, over weight, folically challenged men across the globe in order to skedaddle out of the former communist regime? Could it be the cold weather that has them scampering West, or lofty notions of mansions and private jets that sends them to the nearest intercontinental dating agency? Perhaps those are underlying factors. More likely however is that they choose to stray from their homeland in an effort to avoid legal sexual harassment as recently deemed “necessary for the survival of the human race ” by an unnamed Russian judge.

In a late July article posted on Telegraph.co.uk it was reported that a Russian judge threw out a sexual harassment case filed by a 22-year-old female executive who refused to have sexual relations with her 47-year-old male boss. The judge claimed that “the employer had acted gallantly rather than criminally” therefore, evidence withstanding the case was dismissed. What? Since when is it a noble gesture for anyone to force another into sexually submitting without consent? I realize that comparing Eastern and Western philosophies is liken to apples and oranges, but these ideals and commonplace practices are nothing short of repression and eerily similar to slavery.

Equal opportunity and feminism aside, anyone who subscribes to the belief that “if we had no sexual harassment we would have no children,” is a complete lunatic! I can only suspect that the Russian judge who uttered this reckless statement is a direct descendant of Joseph Stalin. No wonder the lovely vodka swilling, babushka wearing ladies are willing to sacrifice themselves to the rapidly declining dollar…at least they’ll only be subjected to the grimy hands of one man rather than the entire Board of Directors.

The Telegraph also reported that in a recent survey “100  percent of Russian female professionals said they had been subjected to sexual harassment by their bosses, 32 percent said they had intercourse with them at least once and another 7 percent claimed to have been raped.”  Ponder the lives of those women for a moment…upon returning home from a long hard day at the office, she’s asked how her day was. She wearily replies, “I was up for a promotion so I had to blow the Junior Executive, have sex with the Vice President and take it in the ass by the C.E.O. My raise will be effective next week as long as I gang-bang the President and the Advisory Committee. Oh, and by the way, I think I’m pregnant. Would you like stroganoff or borscht for dinner?”

What kind of world do we live in where this type of archaic, neanderthal behavior is not only a routine occurrence, but it is also made legal by elected government officials? What’s next, Russia…female castration? Stoning in the courtyard, perhaps?

The good ‘ol US of A may not be perfect, but at least we attempt to protect victims and punish criminals. And no matter which country you reside in no elected official should ever encourage such a heinous offense or have the right to force a woman to reproduce against her will…period, end of story.

Free Russia. Save a Bride!

Am I the only one in a tizzy over this nonsense? Do you believe that workplace sexual harassment is essential to the survival of the human race or is it an illegal act being justified by their legal system? And what about importing a spouse…Yeah or Nah?

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