The Slutcracker

One of Christmastime’s most cherished memories include the fairy tale ballet, The Nutcracker. This Tchaikovsky composed treasure, has become quite possibly the most popular ballet in the entire western world, setting its roots deep into our holiday spirit. There’s the magic of the Christmas-eve party, children running about the tree, the Mouse King; and of course sweet little Clara. Just when she thought there was no gift for her that Christmas, Councilor Drosselmeyer reached deep into his bag, and handed her a beautifully precious…pink vibrator?

Still think ballet is boring? Actually, you are going to have to be in Boston this weekend in order to see Clara, and her grown up toy, in the dance theatre production of The Slutcracker. This comic parody of the 200 year old ballet is being brought to you by Vanessa White, AKA Sugar Dish, as well as a coalition of Boston area burlesque performers, can-can dancers, ballerinas and even belly dancers. It’s not your grandmother’s Nutcracker, but you can bring Grandma to the show…the artists never get fully nude.  Pasties, thongs and spiked heels for everyone!

The Slutcracker gives us Clara, an endearing and virginal young 20-something and her boyfriend Fritz. Yes, in the original Fritz is her brother, but in case you missed the part about the pink vibrator known as ‘The Slutcracker’ you’ll understand this is no ordinary adaptation. Fritz has intentions on marrying the lovely Clara; however Councilor Drosselmeyer - now cast as an octogenarian and terribly concerned Aunt - has different ideas.  Her niece needn’t swoon for the first dashing man who offers his hand! She must take this gift, and use it wisely.  It’s 2008, not 1892 and a girl should never settle.

The Slutcracker then grows into the magical Slutcracker Prince, courting our little lass and traveling far away to the new Land of the Sweets. Where, the website describes,

“Clara embarks on a fantastic journey into her own sexual awakening that will leave the audience titillated, inspired, and amused.”

While the original ballet’s ACT II showcased dances of the candy canes, tea, chocolate and ginger; The Slutcracker woos his own arm candy with the dances of sexual lifestyle with a little bit of outrageous fetish thrown in. All in the form of wildly choreographed numbers designed to pay tribute to the true art form of burlesque entertainment. With White playing the Sugar Dish Fairy…of course.

Quite frankly, I haven’t been more in love with an idea in a long time! White’s adaptation of a world renowned holiday classic has absolutely everything I have been looking for to boost my Holiday Cheer.  Sexy burlesque performers, fetishes, humor, sexually infused symbolism, dancing; and I can only assume leather! This is nothing short of genius, and is sure going to beat the hell out of me watching 24 hours of A Christmas Story like last year. I think we could all use some new holiday classics, no?

Not too mention the deeper connection to young Clara’s newfound sexual adventure with her unlikely Christmas gift. Eve-101 is a strong proponent of sex toys, most definitely as a gift buying option this season. In addition we advocate not only should every woman have one, but use it!  Arguably, it should be every gal’s first Prince, even after she has found her King.

Vanessa White, who also serves as the creative director to the award winning Boston burlesque troupe Babes in Boinkland, has taken a traditional and somewhat stuffy fairy tale ballet, bent it over and gave it a good spanking…I respect that kind of addition to the Arts. So if you’re lucky enough to catch The Slutcracker bring a little naughty, your sense of humor…and your safety word.  Just in case.

Naughty over Nice is always the way to go…wouldn’t you agree?  What do you think of vanessa White’s new production?  Fabulous idea? Offended? Dying that you don’t live in Boston?  What other Holiday classics need to get spiced up on this level?  I think we need a hell of a lot more of this idea and PRONTO!  Any ideas?  Naughty It’s a Wonderful Life, perhaps?

Noise Pollution

On Wednesday morning, October 22 2008 radio stations across the country were all a buzz.  The brand new song they were about to play had taken 15 years, a revolving door of band members; and one often described (not by me) rock genius.  I’m talking about the long awaited and much anticipated (again, not by me) release of “Chinese Democracy”, the first track off the new Guns N Roses album!

Some listeners asked the same question I asked myself: ‘This crap took 15 years?’   Feel free to fervently disagree with me down below.  Truthfully I didn’t have any expectations, let alone high ones.  One listener’s comment was, ‘Finally.  ORGASM!’  Maybe I’m alone on this, but I’d hardly equate the word orgasm to any song.  Let alone one an aged control freak spent 15 years picking apart.

While Axl Rose is the only original member still carrying the GNR brand, many fans are ecstatic to be reunited with a ghost of music past.  I have nothing against GNR, but I broke up with Axl’s patented screaming intro when I was in middle school.  It really doesn’t have a place in my current musical agenda.  Go away please.

My musical tastes have grown up the past 15 years.  So why am I continually turning on and tuning in to regurgitated band concepts?  I could certainly have survived just fine without the following groups rearing their aging heads.  They’re all Pop Acts too…lucky you!

New Edition

The 80’s answer to the Jackson 5, New Edition was my 1^st ‘boy band’.  Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike.  Then there’s Ralph…and then later on Johnny.  Did I get everyone?    They were a true pop sensation!  I can remember their on screen appearance in ‘Krush Groove’ like it was yesterday.  It was actually 1985.

For some reason it was considered an excellent idea that 20 years, and one cracked out Bobby Brown later, they would come back together for their reunion tour.  I admit, I really didn’t give anything new they recorded a chance.  I supported their individual solo careers!  I bought the cassette singles; but I’m sorry guys, it was over long ago.  There’s no way I am plunking down the ticket price to see grown men sing a crowd pleasing ‘Candy Girl’.  Grown men can’t sing about Candy…it’s creepy.  They seem to have hung their hats again, but I have a feeling it’s not over.

The Spice Girls

The Brit Chick Sensation of the mid-90’s!  Five women, who fully embraced becoming walking billboards.  They’re the most successful British group since the Beatles!

In 1996 the ‘Spices’ were known as Sporty, Baby, Scary, Ginger and Posh.  When they reunited in 2007 I was calling them Depressed, Who?, Paternity, Desperate and Anorexic.  Then again I was never a fan of ‘you go girl’ music.  Keep your chick anthems for the rally; I’d like to listen to something that doesn’t make me want to jam a spike into my frontal lobe.

By 2008 the reunion was over…yet Scientology is on the rise.  I believe this entire tour was funded by Tom Cruise and the Beckhams for the purposes of brainwashing.  Tens of thousands of disenchanted souls who still want to see the Spice Girls LIVE?  That’s like fish in a barrel.

New Kids On The Block

The other New Edition.  Both managed and discovered by talent hound Maurice Starr, both from Boston; neither knows exactly when to quit.  After a rocky start and an unnoticed first album, 1989 saw New Kids mania sweep the world.  They had their faces on anything they could nail down and throw a license on; including a Saturday Morning Cartoon show.  By 1992 they were listed as the highest earning musical act in the world; even if they weren’t actually singing on stage…ahem.

In 1995 after allegations of lip synching, lawsuits, Jonathan Knight’s crippling anxiety attacks and, oh yeah - shitty music; the group finally disbanded and ventured off into other solo projects and acting careers.  All except Jonathan; he became a Real Estate Agent who rocks himself to sleep at night.

I managed to avoid seeing them live my entire life until last month.  To honor their 2008 reunion tour VH1 kindly displayed the first 10 minutes or so of their hometown Boston Concert.  The ‘New’ Kids at the ‘New’ Boston Garden; how poignant.  I’m sure their pride was swelling as a single tear rolled down across Donnie Wahlberg’s crow’s feet.  Seriously - he looked 45.

Maybe it’s our country’s obsession with nostalgia that keeps these acts resurfacing?  Maybe it’s simply marketing and squeezing every last dollar out of anything that’s capable of grabbing our fickle attention spans?  I for one, demand better!

Somebody, PLEASE!  Play an instrument, preferably well; write some lyrics my 5 year old nephew couldn’t come up with; drop the backing track trick and please stop matching your tie to the belt of the 40 year old man standing next to you.  Then I’ll listen.

What do you say…besides cursing me for putting music you didn’t want in your collection straight into your head?!  Did you like the new GNR song?  What’s your whole take on fading away v. burning out?  Is there a band out there you who you WANT to come back?  In what ways does your own sense of nostalgia get the best of you?  Best band reunion of all time?

Sex, Drugs and My Bloody Valentine

If musical orgasms exist, I had one in Chicago last weekend. Not at the Palmer House Hilton (thank you, Hotwire), but at The Aragon Ballroom. Simply put, the venue was designed to replicate a Spanish palace courtyard. It is majestic, ornate and breathtaking in itself. There are literally stars painted on the ceiling and some of them are wired to “shine”. On Saturday, September 27, 2008, there were even more lights and different types of stars in the house. The Aragon hosted one of only seven U.S. shows played by My Bloody Valentine.

In the past 16 years.

My Bloody Valentine had not toured since 1992. Each of the seven dates was completely sold out. It was not easy (or cheap!) to get tickets. My self-proclaimed Music Nazi Friend, Bryan, had turned me on to My Bloody Valentine. We both wanted to catch one of these rare shows and see MBV perform live. Chicago was our closest option. We quickly forked out $81 per ticket just for the 90 minute show. In retrospect, it was less than a dollar a minute for the most unbelievable high I could ever imagine.

Okay, okay, that dollar per minute high did not include our other travel expenses. Even at $3 per minute, it was well worth the investment of airfare, lodging and other costs..

If you are not familiar with My Bloody Valentine, the easiest way to describe their style is to quote billboard.com, ” they rode crashing waves of white noise to unpredictable conclusions, particularly since their noise wasn’t paralyzing like the typical avant-garde noise rock band: it was translucent, glimmering, and beautiful.” I couldn’t agree more. There is a feeling of something ethereal so balanced in the melodies and noise that you simply get swept up into it. It is the kind of music that if you truly listen, it transcends you in undeniable ways.

While often lumped into the “shoegazing” genre, MBV is far beyond that label. Often compared to the Velvet Underground, Sonic Youth and The Jesus and Mary Chain, I heard something completely unique in Chicago. Yes, there are similar vibes in MBV’s Loveless in comparison to the Velvet Underground. In fact, there are several bands which come to mind which challenge normal pop music conventions. To me, they are also incredibly unique.

Critics and industry professionals have written extensively of the genius which is Kevin Shields, the talent of Bilinda Butcher, as well as the other MBV band members. In fact, regarding “Soon,” Brian Eno said, “It set a new standard for pop. It’s the vaguest music ever to have been a hit.” Yes, I could quote more reputable sources which would give my opinion far more weight than it’s even worth. The truth of the matter is that I am not here to give you technical or artistic reasons why My Bloody Valentine oozes awesomeness from every sound they make. I am just here to tell you the show kicked ass, Chicago rocks and MBV absolutely has another fan for life.

My Bloody Valentine is the quintessential nothing and everything rolled into one. Despite my love for well-written lyrics, MBV’s are not distinctive. The vocals Kevin and Bilinda deliver are just two parts of the entire musical puzzle. Yes, I will say “just”, even when referring to a musical genius. Each component is no more, equally or less important. To simultaneously feel strength and vulnerability while listening to music is an entirely different experience for me. To see a well-coifed woman in a red dressy blouse and black pencil skirt wail on the guitar was surreal. The entire show was surreal.

Did I say musical orgasm? Yes, I did. It came *ahem * perfectly at the end of the show. It was wrapped in the form of a 22 minute version of My Bloody Valentine’s “You Made Me Realise”. According to Adam Fleming, who marketed the San Francisco show, “it sounded like a plane crashed at 200 miles per hour for 25 minutes.”

Sean O’Hagan has written of the same song, “Such was the disorienting effect of what came to be known as the ‘holocaust’ section of the song that often the crowd down the front of the stage seemed to move as one into what can only be described as an altered state of consciousness, part endurance ritual, part collective delirium. “ To me, that is basically how I could describe an orgasm

Yes, I researched quotes to back me up. Afterall, you are not getting a professional’s music review. You are reading about a musical orgasm! The show created that much awe and amazement in this MBV newbie. Comparing the show to an orgasm is the only way I knew to give it somewhat appropriate justice. After 90 minutes of die-hard foreplay, My Bloody Valentine gave me an amazing release at the end.

Have you ever had a musical orgasm? What is the best show you have ever seen and where did you see it?