Bonding…Or Binding?

My Virginity…how long has it been, old friend?  Not to be cruel, but you’ll be happy to know that I’ve lived a pretty full life up to this point without you.  I mean, what we had was good; but you knew it was a matter of time before I placed you on a shelf next to the rest of my formidable years.  No, I didn’t wait till marriage.  You see, I’m 31 and if I had waited this long people could have gotten hurt.  Or maybe I would have married for all the wrong reasons just to push you away.  That would never happen, would it?  I mean - it’s incredibly unrealistic to wait for marriage in these times, no?

Not according to Purity Balls; a TLC documentary that highlights an annual event in Colorado Springs, Colorado.  It’s here that fathers and daughters gather to celebrate their growing relationship and show their devotion to one another.  Oh, and sign a covenant that they will remain pure and chaste until marriage.  Just your typical Father Daughter Dance complete with a giant wooden cross and the ghost of Sigmund Freud choking on a Rocky Mountain Oyster in the corner.  How fitting?

This particular Purity Ball is in its 10^th year, and hosted by New Life Church members Randy and Lisa Wilson; parents to seven children, 5 of which are daughters.  The Wilson Ball is the original ball and considered to be the most elegant and ‘romantic’ in the country.  Um, romantic?  Isn’t that against the rules?

Girls as young as five years old, in satin beaded gowns will walk on their fathers polished shoes, while entrusting their hearts to Daddy and bodies to the Lord.  That’s until their earthly father, hallowed be thy name, has chosen a proper suitor and husband.  It’s not just happening in Colorado Springs; over 4700 of them have been held in the United States this past year alone.  In fact some are calling it a ‘New Movement’ against what has become a ‘hook-up’ culture; and it’s kind of making my skin crawl.

Ok, outwardly I understand the basic social dynamics of this celebration.  I’m trying to keep the ‘Ick’ factor away from the common sense part of my brain.  Obviously, I am all for positive relationships between fathers and daughters.  A father should do everything he can to make his daughter feel loved, prized, special and most of all worthy of respect.  The fathers that attend say this is a turning point in their relationships…that because they value their daughters so much, they won’t run out and seek validation from other men.  Mayyyybe, but it still creates a whole new set of daddy issues for me.

Listening to these young girls talk about their pledge made me want to clean out my ears.  I did, several times, I was hearing them correctly.  According to their beliefs on the matter, there is one man out there you are going to marry.  So any relationship you have before you meet them is essentially cheating.  As one attendee put it, “When you date one on one our emotions become involved and we give little pieces away and when we marry we don’t have a whole heart to give to our husband.”  Her name is Hannah, she’s 11 and this will be her 5^th Purity Ball with her father.

Reportedly, 1 in 6 girls in America makes a Purity Pledge.  While it might not last for some through their hormonal teen years, for others it rings true.  Now a happy housewife, one young woman states that she didn’t even hold hands with her husband before their wedding night…figured it would be distracting from getting to know each others hearts before they got married.  Her father conducted the ceremony.  I feel that ‘ick’ factor again…

On the day of the ball there is dinner, dancing and the signing of the Purity Covenant.  Daughters then stand, if they wish, and thank their fathers for helping to guide them through this struggle, because they know they want to marry a man just like him.  Or at least, that’s what they’ve been told.  Considering they are giving their hearts to God first, their fathers 2^nd and then to their husbands, I’m not sure if it was ever their heart to rule in the first place.

Come on!  It was a Purity Ball, people!  Feel all clean and sparkly?  What do you think about this Covenant of Chastity?  Is it simply a way for fathers and daughters to bond, or is it unnatural?  What were your dating rules and how much say did your parents have?   Can’t your feelings for your lover be considered pure and chaste?  Speak now, and if you want to share your ‘losing it’ stories this could get real interesting…

Teen Movie Meltdown

Anyone who outwardly declares themselves a ‘Movie Buff’ will also tend to assert the following.  One, they can go toe to toe with just about anyone on movie quotes, never to be out quoted; Two, they have better taste in movies than you do…and you’re just going to have to trust them on that.  It isn’t about being some sort of Pop Culture Elitist, but I’m inclined to agree with the line from High Fidelity, “What really matters is what you like, not what you are like.  Books, records, films; these things matter.  Call me shallow, it’s the fucking truth.”

Now, you may wholeheartedly disagree with that statement, and you’re welcome to do so down below.  I feel obligated to tell you that when searching for that quote in Google, I had barely typed in the word ‘High…’ and I was eagerly presented the three High School Musical movies as options.  Sweet Jesus!  Not what I was looking for, Google; but thank you validating my feelings about why I’m writing this.

I don’t really care that I’m dating myself here, but I would feel terribly let down if I had to suffer as a teenager in today’s Pop Culture dead zone.  It’s bad enough going through it as a consenting adult who chooses to simply shake their head at the absurdity of it all.  I know my rights.  I can just change the channel, and then another channel, and another; why are these girls hussied up like Atlantic City Hookers??

I blame men like John Hughes, Cameron Crowe and others for spoiling me, essentially ruining me for life when it comes to what I consider to be worthwhile viewing.  They gave me Teen classics such as The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink and Say Anything.  Movies that represented what being a teenager used to mean. You’re awkward, you stumble, you eek your way through it and “screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place.”

In Say Anything it was okay for Diane Court to be both smart and beautiful.  Yet in today’s teen genre Diane Court would be the ugly duckling the popular girls would give the makeover to.  Diane didn’t end up one of the most popular girls, but she did end up with loveably misplaced Lloyd Dobler who wanted to be “…friends, with potential.”  Not just friends with benefits.  I might still be harboring my 20 year crush on John Cusack…but so are you and that’s not the point.

These are the movies I can watch over and over again - not just because I am clawing at my youth, but because they were good!  The Breakfast Club is 23 years old - you read that right.  I watched it just last night and enjoyed all 97 minutes of it.  Secure with the fact that if it came out today it wouldn’t be followed up in the press that Molly Ringwald sent Anthony Michael Hall Polaroids proving she was a real redhead.

Will Kenny Ortega, director of the High School Musical franchise be able to still gather that kind of nostalgia 23 years from now?  Will 40 year olds in 2031 be quoting Ashley Tisdale characters?  I think not.  Maybe they’ll all still be jazzed up about Ortega’s 2010 remake of Footloose starring Zach Efron as Ren McCormack?  It was hard enough in 1984 to believe there are towns that don’t allow music and dancing.  Even harder to believe in 2010 when its Tween stars iPhones are getting hacked, and pictures of them lining up to fellate Mickey Mouse for coke money start showing up.

No, the Disney Generation will never be the Brat Pack.   Our teenagers were allowed to be just that, teenagers.  Gangly, scared, strange and beautifully flawed.  No makeup artists or record contracts.  Just movies I’ll watch another 23 years from now.

Now that I have 80’s Teen angst on my brain…I’m feeling a bit nostalgic.  Am I the only one who can’t stomach these Disney Machine movies?  Am I looking through Rose Colored Ray Bans, or did the movies of John Hughes and Cameron Crowe actually have some substance?  Does anyone else miss Duckie as badly as I do?  What’s your favorite teen movie moment…if it’s a kid nailing an Apple Pie then you really don’t know what you’ve been missing!  And if you dare to try and out quote me…it.is.on!

Git ‘er dun!

Ahhh, endless hours of mind numbing escapes from reality…otherwise known as the new American pastime which is Reality TV.  Being one that rarely flips channels I had no idea there was such a vast array of options. Seemingly endless guilty pleasures all scripted to make the average, quasi rational person feel as though their life is beyond spectacular in comparison to the train wrecks seeping through the cable box.

It was a perfectly delightful easy-breezy Sunday afternoon filled with America’s most talented and beautiful melodramatics. And then it happened…up next: Tom Arnold hosts “My Big Redneck Wedding.” The catchy title was enough to grab my attention and before I knew it I’d spent hours on the sofa mesmerized by shock and awe entertainment.

Country Music Television describes the down home debauchery as “a whole new meaning to for better or for worse. Each episode with its own rustic eccentricities, whether it is a four-legged best man, a romantic beer can canopy, a celebratory shotgun salute or a reception filled with mattress surfing and mud wrestling.”

Let’s be clear on this descriptor, shall we? By “rustic eccentricities and mud wrestling” CMT has politely described the toothless renegades who participated in a hot dog eating contest at Amyie and George’s weddin’ reception. Oh, and mud wrestling is exactly that…mud wrestling (although one couple did opt for Jell-O). The fun didn’t stop there, kids! Lawn mower races, a horse manure shaped cake and turkey nuts were just a few of the whacky sentimental gestures these redneck couples put on display for the unsuspecting viewing audience.

Kelli and Ron for example, love to crash cars, so they got married at the demolition derby. When Amber and John decided to tie the knot, John’s bachelor party headed out to the woods to shoot wild boar for the weddin’ supper. Not to be outdone of course by Amber’s stunning camouflage dress and veil. Watch out Vera Wang those country girls can BeDazzle like nobody’s business.

If you need to pee, the porta-potty is behind the monster truck tires…

To help off set the cost of their honeymoon, Anna and Carl auctioned off their excess farm equipment during the reception. Genius! Even more innovative was the Groomsman who owns a septic tank repair business. He and his thrifty Bride gave 20% off “Poop-ons” as wedding favors. Yee-Haw!

Then there was the teenage couple, Geneva and Kyle who met in pre-school (it’s quite possible their formal education ended shortly thereafter). To their credit these youngsters do possess tremendous decorating skills which were showcased by their choices in reception decor. They chose to cover the walls and tables with homemade quilts, which highlighted the mounted carcasses; the Bridesmaids donned the latest camo fashion sans shoes to support the Brides barefoot and pregnant motif. Martha Stewart would be proud!

As a girl who isn’t too far removed from redneck-ery I didn’t think it was possible to ever be disturbed by substandard acts of civilization but these folks are a force to reckon with. Now, I’m not about to judge how anyone wants to celebrate their big day. If you want to two-step down a straw covered isle and announce your love under a beer can laden archway, have it at. And while producers can script and edit just about scenario, exploiting ignorance is just sad!

So grab a can of Coors Light, a handkerchief to wipe your tears and tune into CMT’s, “My Big Redneck Wedding.” You’ll either laugh or cry…or both.

Okay, y’all…we’ve all witnessed a wedding or two go awry. Which ceremony disasters cause you to shudder? Have you ever been subjected to participating in a hog tying contest or gone bogging while a happy couple says I do? More importantly, how far would you stoop for your beloved? And which reality show mishaps are your favs?

p.s.
GO VOTE!

Beauty on the Inside

Months of anticipation and days of training have led a select group of women to this shining moment.  Crowds are gathering at the stage, the celebrity judges have been shuffled in through the side door and there is a blur of Press Passes and Hairdressers.  Preparations have been made and the final touches are put on the next beauty to be crowned.  The lights go up, spectators roar and the emcee steps to the microphone, ‘Please welcome to the stage, the beautiful contestants representing your cell blocks.’

Enter La Corona (The Crown).  The Academy Award Nominated Documentary by Isabel Vega and Amanda Micheli that takes you inside the National Women’s Penitentiary in Bogotá, Colombia for their annual Beauty Pageant.  The contestants are women serving time for crimes that range from armed robbery to a contract killer.  Every year, these women, and others like them spend weeks practicing their catwalk, choosing their gown and perfecting their talent in the hope of winning the crown, and making their cell block proud.

I was instantly fascinated and intrigued as the concept of a Prison Beauty Pageant never entered my plane of thought.  It took me several viewings of La Corona for my eyes to disregard the steel bars and see through at the women being contained by them. What I felt was both sadness and absurdity.  I was as equally moved as I was disturbed by an already exploitative practice being celebrated in such a dark place.

This isn’t an isolated event in Bogotá; it’s happening every year in correctional facilities all over the world from Brazil to Siberia.  In some contests, you actually win nothing; some are rewarded with money and others with reduced sentencing (yes, indeed - time shaved off for being judged the prettiest lil prisoner).  All operated under the same guise of providing incarcerated women with a greater sense of self-esteem, worth and preserving all that is beautiful.

I myself have never embraced the idea that beauty pageants raise levels of self esteem, even under the most normal conditions.  I appreciate that some enjoy indulging in that circle, but I question how the gains outweigh the losses for the majority of its participants.  In the case of these women, exactly how much self esteem could possibly be developed inside their caged walls?  I understand it’s a distraction to their reality - but it doesn’t change it.

Contestant Angie Jimenez admits, “…you can’t erase all your problems, how you feel inside just because you have to learn how to do the catwalk.  You can’t because this place is horrible.” She has a young son on the outside.  On visiting day she tells him she is in school, and cannot leave until she finishes all of her homework.  She is serving 2 years for Armed Robbery, and she’s been there exactly 18 days.

What replaced some of the initial ridiculousness I felt towards this practice is the Human Factor.  Imprisoned in a country wrapped in violence, guerilla warfare, drugs and unemployment, can I condemn them for the desire to celebrate something as being beautiful?  Even if it is only comes once in a year.  Not every criminal is created equal under such conditions.  Take a step back however, and they are still criminals.

Contestant Maira Medina has been described as a tiger in the zoo.  Beautiful to look at, but you would never turn your back on her.  She is in the midst of her 8 year sentence for homicide.  Leaving home at 14, she landed in one wrong crowd after another, eventually taking money as a contract killer.  This is her second year entering the pageant.

***Spoiler Alert***

Coronation Day arrives and the women are all on stage facing their panel of celebrity judges; soap opera and reality TV stars who have come to join the festivities.  At last the victory goes to cell block #9.  Angela Valoyes is declared the winner and then crowned by last year’s fair lady, who is still serving time in Bogotá.  Angela robbed grocery stores at gunpoint for food money after losing her husband, a soldier in the country’s brutal civil war.  Today she is Queen, and she is hoisted back on the shoulders of her cell mates.  Today she is happy.

When we are introduced to Angela Valoyes she shares, “When I get out of here, everything will change.  God had to teach me a lesson that material things don’t matter. What matters is to be together, even if you can only eat bread.  What matters most is family”.

One month after winning the Annual Pageant, Angela was released from The National Women’s Penitentiary for time served.  Soon after, she was murdered on the streets of Bogotá.

With the crown still in her name, the women of Bogotá are left wondering of next year; and who will be Queen.

There you have it.  Now, your thoughts?  Sympathies?  Lack there of?  What do you think of Prisons holding Beauty Pageants?  How about Beauty pageants in general, do they create gender and class divisions, or build self esteem?

Outside of the Box

Last week I was roaming the web, checking out some sites that I have pinned, “My Daily Sites.” Browsing my e-mails, Myspace, Eve-101, Facebook, the tabloid sites, and then it hit me. The end of the world as we know it is near. No, I didn’t hear it from a LOLCat, or a Spam email that told me I needed to Western Union money to Uzbekistan. But I came across this picture and I instantly felt all Nostradomousy.

I was immediately sure. The apocalypse has arrived.

And it is riding in on the shoulders of this woman…

Yes, that is Heidi Montag. She is here to suck the entertainment value out of everything we hold dear. This picture spoke to me. It showed me what is considered entertainment today. I decided then and there it is time for a change. A drastic change…

That’s right folks, I am thinking outside of the box. Literally.

No more Television. This includes sensationalist tabloids,LOLcats, all of it. I am done. Actually, all three of us in this house are going to cut the cable. I am taking it all away. If only to see what happens when you step away from the noise.

Now, “Hills” fans, don’t start the letter writing campaign to have me burned at the stake just yet. I have nothing against the Hills or any show really. I just miss what used to be. The TV that I grew up with. The stuff that made you laugh, cry, or run out and get metal Muppet Lunchbox with Thermos. But back then the stuff had an end. It wasn’t a 24/7, no end in sight, access fest. It could be put down, turned off, or it would just go off the air.

Where is THIS guy when you need him??

Trust me, I am not knocking the box. I love the box. I actually love it too much. I use it to “Numb Out” after a hard day. I love that I can be entertained and not have to think all at the same time! I watch reruns of Reba while I eat dinner. I love that show, but I have SEEN it! Turn it off. Step away from the box and no one will get hurt

When considering this little experiment I tried to imagine what was life like BEFORE television? I mean really, what did people do? How did they go through their evening without a Friends rerun on or a Christmas without watching Christmas Vacation or *Shudder* A Christmas Story?? Then I realized…

OH YEAH, they read books. They cooked and cleaned. They spent time interacting with their family. They studied, they did class work, and they did puzzles. Hell they had SEX!

The same ban goes for my internet roaming too. That doesn’t mean I won’t be here with Eve. She is different. And I am sure I will read the news, current events, etc. But no Myspace. No Facebook, no television, no Wii!!

And I am dragging my family along with me. I am going to go Victorian on their asses…

With all this free time, I could learn to sew my own clothes! Ooh, I smell a Project Runway challenge! Can you imagine what Tim Gunn would say to these folks? “Not sure where you are going with this. Just MAKE IT WORK!” Another reason to get away from the boob tube. My odd celeb crushes on Tim Gunn and Anthony Bourdain.

I am also curious to see what happens when I stop listening to the box. Because if I lived my life how the boxes (Television & Internet) say I should this would be me…

I would be 5′10″ and weigh 95 pounds all the while eating whole grains and organic fruit. I would be “Green” because I bought the new metal water bottle and upgraded my Hummer to the new HUMMBRID to “Help the Environment” I would not spank my child because I would not want to alter his outlook on himself. I would not understand why I didn’t grow up to be a Rock Star, an Astronaut, or Wonder Woman because you can do anything you put your mind to because Elyse Keaton told me so.

I kid, I kid. I do want to start reading up on current events, politics, war, the environment and form a decision based on research I have done. Not base my opinion on the news or what Dr. Phil thinks about it. I mean, if he can’t fix Brittany then what good is he?

Check back with me in seven days to see if we survived. See if my boyfriend and son ran off to the local sports bar to get their weekly pre-season football fix and leave me with my Parcheesi and my Fondue wondering where it all went wrong…

Oh and before you boys attack me, the ban ends before football begins… I am not CRUEL….

Who knows what I may get done? I may actually get that book written or maybe pick up the crochet I started back in 1988??

Well maybe not at the same time…

What would you do if you turned off the tube, the internet, your iPod, your X-Box, your Wii?? What would you do with all of that free time? And I could probably use some tips. Seven days is a really long time. I am scared. Someone hold me….