Happy Endings

Dear Eve,

I’m all for intimacy and cuddling after sex, but at what point do you get cleaned up? I’ve read a lot here about doing it, but there’s not much mention of the fact that after sex, you are both all sweaty and sticky. So, what do you do? Do you just lay there in it with jizz oozing down your leg? That’s REAL romantic! Does anyone go to sleep like that?

Personally, I like to head straight for the shower as soon as my boyfriend and I are finished, but he hates it. He wants me to lay and snuggle in our filth.  I’m starting to feel guilty and like I’m not romantic enough for him, but I just feel gross afterwards and must clean myself immediately.

So, you guys, give me some insight.
Not So Dirty Girl

Dear Super Sanitary Girl,

Why must you go and turn a perfectly delightful experience into something foul? Would you rather be getting it on with your other half in a sterile environment like oh, say… a Gynecologist’s office? Mmmm…the fresh scent of antibacterial soap, that ought to get everyone in the mood. Although stirrups could come in handy, I doubt if you’re the kind of girl that would embrace such a naughty tryst. No offense, but you seem a little uptight and we can’t blame it on the fact that you need to get laid, now can we?

Seriously sweets, lighten up on the Germaphobia why don’t you? It’s not as if your boyfriend is asking you to engage in poop-play, he just wants to stroke your hair and whisper sweet nothings in your ear. Sure post-coital snuggling and whatnot isn’t for everyone, but is it too much to ask that you compromise a wee bit and stop whining like a finicky little pain in the ass?

Now, while a little cuddle time is a priority for him, your health is also. So, I’m going to give you a hall pass of sorts. Before you start to resemble a frosted doughnut you need to get yourself to the potty to help prevent UTI’s and other germ related infections. Don’t worry your pretty little head…while the vajaja is a fragile environment, you aren’t going to start baking bread in the 5 minutes that you’ll spend getting spooned, so relax!

It’s time for you to put your big girl panties on and turn your ick-o-meter down a tad, m’kay? Albeit sometimes messy, sexy time should be fun and frivolous not something that makes you vomit in your mouth a little. So, rather than sprinting to the faucet while your bits are still tingly, why don’t you include the clean-up as part of your routine together? It’s a win-win…you’ll be clean and your beau will enjoy his happy ending with you by his side.

Perhaps store a box of vanilla scented Pleasure Wipes next to the bed for quick and easy cleansing. Or, if vanilla doesn’t suit your fancy simply use a towel. (I’d suggest a sock, but I’m certain that’s not an option for a spick ‘n span kinda’ gal like you.) If those suggestions just won’t work for you, invite him to join you in the shower… just make sure you pee first!

KISSKISS
LOVELOVE,
Eve

What say you…is getting a little messy part of the fun or is our girl a little on the prudish side? What’s your post-romp routine? Are you a crusty sleeper or a clean freak? And does boyfriend have the right to be upset or should he just accept her idiosyncrasy? Let’s hear it, folks…the jury is waiting.

Kielbasas or Cocktail Weenies?

Dear Eve,

I met a woman online about two and a half months ago. Things had been going good and we are supposed to meet in several weeks.  But I am not sure if I am going to be able to go through with it.  The problem is, we started having phone sex week before last.  And it was really great, and really hot, until she started talking about how she couldn’t wait to have my big hard c**k.  Over and over, she just kept talking about my giant, enormous, monster dick.  Well, I do not have a big dick, at all.  In fact I am fully aware of the fact that I am well below average.  I’m not ashamed, I just think this woman is going to be disappointed when she finds me to not be as well endowed as she imagined.  So Eve, do I need to cancel my ticket?  Or tell her the truth?  Or just go and deal with the sad look I know will cross her face when I drop my pants in front of her for the first time?

Signed, No thunder down under

Dearest Under-achiever,

Well, well, well.  This is quite a pickle, my friend.  Trouble is, it’s a gherkin and your lady friend was really hoping for a dill.  I know, I know, how completely un-kosher of me.  I’ll stop.  Where were we?  Oh yeah, your small penis.

Honestly, phone sex talk is just that…talk.  Sure, she might be a big dick fiend who will laugh (or cry) in the face of your Cracker Jack prize of a peen, but it is just as likely that she is simply playing with the dialogue in the only way she knows how.  What do most guys want us ladies to say about their dicks?  That they are soooo big…soooo hard…sooo thick… blah-ditty-blah, blah.  This girl most likely said what she assumed you wanted to hear, that’s all.

Lets chat for a second here, woman to man.  Do you know what matters most to me, and 99% of my female friends?  Your ability to make us orgasm.  So do you work what Mother Nature gave you to the best of your abilities?  Have you perfected your oral skills?  Are you good with your hands?  And most importantly, are you going to be able to go into this with confidence in your abilities?  If you find yourself answering yes to all of the above, don’t cash in your ticket.  Go, have fun, and don’t say a word about her “big” talk.  Take her to the moon and back and she will not care about thumb-kin down there in your pants.

Now, if she IS one of those women, (and yes, they are out there) that just cannot be satisfied with anything less than a Godzilla-wang, well then unfortunately she is not the one for you.  (Or for most guys, really.)  But you won’t know unless you try.

And if she does unwrap your package and promptly ask for a refund, you don’t need her giant vagina having self anyway…so there!

Love and kisses,

Eve

Well, folks…what is the consensus?  Should he confess?  Should he cut her loose?  Or should he chalk it up to kinky talk and not worry about it?

Does he need to come clean?

Dear Eve,

I have an STD and I recently had unprotected sex. I really like the girl and I am afraid if I tell her she’ll never want to see me again. Should I just cut my losses now and never call her again or fess up to my dirty deed?

Signed,
Dirty Dan

Dear Dirty Deed,

First of all, I hope you’ve learned a lesson, and I’m happy to see that your conscience has gotten the better of you. Far too late if you ask me, but better late than never I suppose.

Let’s state the obvious, hmmmm? You clearly have an issue with not only protecting yourself, but protecting those whom you engage in sexual activity with or you wouldn’t be in this predicament. Let me ask you, do you have a death wish? If not, I highly suggest you rethink your ability to act like an adult and start protecting the peen (and the puss) each and every time! If you can’t do that, you need to take a vow of celibacy from the bow-chica-bow-wow until you are mature enough to handle the responsibility. No Glove. No Love!

Secondly, your decision to tell someone about your STD status shouldn’t be contingent on whether you like her or not. Again, it is your responsibility to let the other person be privy of your status so they can make an educated and informed decision. I understand the fear and anxiety of being rejected, however, don’t you wish someone had told you?

Lastly, Mr. Dirty Deed, it is imperative that you immediately notify the innocent young lady that you’ve put in harms way. I’d start the conversation with a sincere apology and offer to not only take her, but pay for her Doctor appointment and testing.  It is highly likely that since she’s been exposed she may unknowingly be a contaminating others.

Man-Up, make the call, and for the love of gawd - wear a condom. Seriously!

KISSKISS,
LOVELOVE,

Eve

Anyone willing to share an STD scare, or worse…? Any condom-free confessions, anyone? Do you think Mr. Dirty Deed should just bide his time and see if the girl he banged becomes symptomatic, or should he find his balls and divulge the errors of his ways?

Darling, won’t you go and cut your…foreskin?

Dear Eve,

I am dating a wonderful, wonderful man.  He is successful, romantic and fun.  We get along and share many common interests.  We have a great physical chemistry.  Or we did.  This is the reason I am writing, I am hoping you or your readers might be able to help me with my phobia.  This man and I were intimate for the first time ever about two weeks ago and I discovered that he is uncircumcised.  I have never even seen a penis like his before and honestly I just didn’t know what to do with it.  I know I am acting strange, we haven’t been intimate since then, but I know he can tell I am avoiding it  And next weekend we have an overnight trip planned. Do you have any advice on how to get over this fear?  I can’t help it, I don’t like it and I wish I could ask him to take care of it but I realize we haven’t been together long enough yet.  Also, I know I couldn’t marry him unless he did get it taken care of, should I just break it off now?  Or should I sacrifice for now and hope that I can change him later?  And last of all, do you have any tips for dealing with an uncircumcised penis?

Fretful over Foreskin

Foolishly Focused,

Oh my!  You poor, poor thing!  Did that mean ol’ turtleneck wearing penis scare you?  Are you going to be okay, dumplin’?  Do you need a hug?

Well you came to the wrong place for that.  Don’t get me wrong, your question(s) concern me greatly.  But as far as WHO I am concerned for, well, we will get to that in a minute. First of all, I cannot help but take notice of the language of your letter to me.  You “don’t like it.” You wish you could ask him to “take care of it.” It’s not a rodent in the pantry, sugar…its some extra skin on the penis.  And are you ACTUALLY thinking that you would have a right to ask a man to slice away a piece of himself because you aren’t sure how to “deal” with it??  It retracts, darling, just move it out the way and carry on…you don’t need special training for this.  Sure, I could give you some specific pointers on sexual relations with the uncircumcised, but honestly I don’t think you really need- or even want- that from me…do you?

No, I suspect that you are looking for someone to validate your desire to ask this gentleman to undergo a painful and unnecessary surgery for YOU…because you are what, uncomfortable with the unknown?  Let me tell you something…if some man informed me that he didn’t like the look of my vagina, and then that man suggested that perhaps I should “take care of” it…do you know what I would say to that man?  I would tell that selfish, ignorant bastard to go find himself another vagina, because mine is not customizable.  And if this man has any self respect at all he will say something similar to you if you approach him with this.  That’s his PENIS, it’s not like you are suggesting a haircut, cookie!

So yes, my concern here is for this wonderful man you speak of…this successful, romantic, fun man whom you would marry if only he wasn’t tragically flawed with a hooded trouser snake. But when it comes to you, well…if you are willing to throw it all away over foreskin, then me thinks you a fool…but go ahead, and talk to him about it.  You have Eve’s blessing.  And after he dumps you, be sure to come back and click here to get exactly the penis you want…in approximately 10 business days.

Love and Kisses,

Eve

Is it ever okay to ask the person you are dating to undergo elective surgery to suit your tastes?  What if said elective surgery is to take place on your genitalia…what then?  Was Eve too hard on the little lass?  What would your advice to her (and him) have been?

Now Serving: Mommy’s Sloppy Seconds

Dear Eve,

Last spring my Mom was killed in a car accident.  I came home from college at the end of the semester to help my Step-Dad pack up her things and we spent a lot of time talking about my Mom. One night we decided to open a bottle of her favorite wine to toast her memory, and before I knew it my Step-Dad and I were making love on the living room floor.  I always had a crush on him and was jealous that he married my Mom. He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I feel like this is the way things were supposed to be but I’m afraid to tell our friends and family.

Eve, what would you do?
Mistress in Mourning

Dear Messy Miss ,

What would Eve do you ask? Uh…what Eve wouldn’t do is get love drunk on Mumsie’s vino and bang her pseudo father figure! Speaking of, where is your dear ‘ol Dad? I can only imagine his delight when you announce your impending nuptials. I mean seriously, what Daddy wouldn’t be proud to have a harlot daughter who shacks up with his dead ex-wife’s widower? Unless of course, he’s actually your Uncle and inbreeding is just the way you folks do things in that there trailer park you live in.

In all seriousness, don’t feel bad precious, we all have issues…yours just happen to be higher on the nut job scale than most. Only your moral compass can navigate you through this conundrum, and if your gut tells you this is a match made in Heaven then who am I to tell you otherwise?

Speaking of Heaven…you do know that the woman who gave you life is watching you get it on with her former lovah, right? But hey, it’s not like she can do anything more than rattle chains from where she’s at, so no worries. Meanwhile, if your friends and family can’t find it in their hearts to accept this untainted new arrangement of yours they must be jealous…or sane. You’ll have to be the one who decides how much credibility they have…they are after all your friends and if the rest of your kin is liken to you, things should be a-okay!

So Eve says, have at it, live it up and enjoy what your Momma gave you! (Or seek immediate mental attention for your obvious lack of…many things, including but not limited to a properly functioning brain.)

I am curious though…when the two of you start popping out whipper snappers will they call him Daddy or Grampy? Just wondering.

KISSKISS
LOVELOVE,
Eve

Okay, who has the number to the Jerry Springer Show? Should little Miss Sloppy Seconds fear the repercussions of her friends and family or shout from the rooftops that she’s in love with a man as sick and twisted as she is? Where’s the line here, folks? Is he free game or foul play?

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