Darling, won’t you go and cut your…foreskin?

Dear Eve,

I am dating a wonderful, wonderful man.  He is successful, romantic and fun.  We get along and share many common interests.  We have a great physical chemistry.  Or we did.  This is the reason I am writing, I am hoping you or your readers might be able to help me with my phobia.  This man and I were intimate for the first time ever about two weeks ago and I discovered that he is uncircumcised.  I have never even seen a penis like his before and honestly I just didn’t know what to do with it.  I know I am acting strange, we haven’t been intimate since then, but I know he can tell I am avoiding it  And next weekend we have an overnight trip planned. Do you have any advice on how to get over this fear?  I can’t help it, I don’t like it and I wish I could ask him to take care of it but I realize we haven’t been together long enough yet.  Also, I know I couldn’t marry him unless he did get it taken care of, should I just break it off now?  Or should I sacrifice for now and hope that I can change him later?  And last of all, do you have any tips for dealing with an uncircumcised penis?

Fretful over Foreskin

Foolishly Focused,

Oh my!  You poor, poor thing!  Did that mean ol’ turtleneck wearing penis scare you?  Are you going to be okay, dumplin’?  Do you need a hug?

Well you came to the wrong place for that.  Don’t get me wrong, your question(s) concern me greatly.  But as far as WHO I am concerned for, well, we will get to that in a minute. First of all, I cannot help but take notice of the language of your letter to me.  You “don’t like it.” You wish you could ask him to “take care of it.” It’s not a rodent in the pantry, sugar…its some extra skin on the penis.  And are you ACTUALLY thinking that you would have a right to ask a man to slice away a piece of himself because you aren’t sure how to “deal” with it??  It retracts, darling, just move it out the way and carry on…you don’t need special training for this.  Sure, I could give you some specific pointers on sexual relations with the uncircumcised, but honestly I don’t think you really need- or even want- that from me…do you?

No, I suspect that you are looking for someone to validate your desire to ask this gentleman to undergo a painful and unnecessary surgery for YOU…because you are what, uncomfortable with the unknown?  Let me tell you something…if some man informed me that he didn’t like the look of my vagina, and then that man suggested that perhaps I should “take care of” it…do you know what I would say to that man?  I would tell that selfish, ignorant bastard to go find himself another vagina, because mine is not customizable.  And if this man has any self respect at all he will say something similar to you if you approach him with this.  That’s his PENIS, it’s not like you are suggesting a haircut, cookie!

So yes, my concern here is for this wonderful man you speak of…this successful, romantic, fun man whom you would marry if only he wasn’t tragically flawed with a hooded trouser snake. But when it comes to you, well…if you are willing to throw it all away over foreskin, then me thinks you a fool…but go ahead, and talk to him about it.  You have Eve’s blessing.  And after he dumps you, be sure to come back and click here to get exactly the penis you want…in approximately 10 business days.

Love and Kisses,

Eve

Is it ever okay to ask the person you are dating to undergo elective surgery to suit your tastes?  What if said elective surgery is to take place on your genitalia…what then?  Was Eve too hard on the little lass?  What would your advice to her (and him) have been?

Now Serving: Mommy’s Sloppy Seconds

Dear Eve,

Last spring my Mom was killed in a car accident.  I came home from college at the end of the semester to help my Step-Dad pack up her things and we spent a lot of time talking about my Mom. One night we decided to open a bottle of her favorite wine to toast her memory, and before I knew it my Step-Dad and I were making love on the living room floor.  I always had a crush on him and was jealous that he married my Mom. He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I feel like this is the way things were supposed to be but I’m afraid to tell our friends and family.

Eve, what would you do?
Mistress in Mourning

Dear Messy Miss ,

What would Eve do you ask? Uh…what Eve wouldn’t do is get love drunk on Mumsie’s vino and bang her pseudo father figure! Speaking of, where is your dear ‘ol Dad? I can only imagine his delight when you announce your impending nuptials. I mean seriously, what Daddy wouldn’t be proud to have a harlot daughter who shacks up with his dead ex-wife’s widower? Unless of course, he’s actually your Uncle and inbreeding is just the way you folks do things in that there trailer park you live in.

In all seriousness, don’t feel bad precious, we all have issues…yours just happen to be higher on the nut job scale than most. Only your moral compass can navigate you through this conundrum, and if your gut tells you this is a match made in Heaven then who am I to tell you otherwise?

Speaking of Heaven…you do know that the woman who gave you life is watching you get it on with her former lovah, right? But hey, it’s not like she can do anything more than rattle chains from where she’s at, so no worries. Meanwhile, if your friends and family can’t find it in their hearts to accept this untainted new arrangement of yours they must be jealous…or sane. You’ll have to be the one who decides how much credibility they have…they are after all your friends and if the rest of your kin is liken to you, things should be a-okay!

So Eve says, have at it, live it up and enjoy what your Momma gave you! (Or seek immediate mental attention for your obvious lack of…many things, including but not limited to a properly functioning brain.)

I am curious though…when the two of you start popping out whipper snappers will they call him Daddy or Grampy? Just wondering.

KISSKISS
LOVELOVE,
Eve

Okay, who has the number to the Jerry Springer Show? Should little Miss Sloppy Seconds fear the repercussions of her friends and family or shout from the rooftops that she’s in love with a man as sick and twisted as she is? Where’s the line here, folks? Is he free game or foul play?

Kinda always knew she’d end up your ex-friend with benefits

Dear Eve,

I hooked up with this chick at work a few times, and it was completely a friends with benefits type thing. Now she is calling me 24/7, showing up everywhere she knows I hang out, and telling everyone we’re together. She is like a walking girlfriend trap. What do I do?

Signed, Avoiding the Trap

Dear Avoidance,

You seem to have gotten yourself involved with a perplexing breed of girl; the type who equate sex with love. She cannot help it, she is not evolved. She most likely believes it is her womanly duty to settle down and mate with you. You probably give great pheromone.

But wait…something tells me you are not so innocent yourself.  Were you honest and upfront from the very beginning with this little lass?  Did you tell her this was strictly a casual sex type thing? I bet you didn’t. I am willing to wager that you have you simply been hooking up with the wee miss without explaining the parameters of the affair. You either assumed she was down with stand alone sex because that is what you yourself wanted, or you just didn’t care. Tsk, tsk.

Look, I know it’s difficult to imagine, but some people still believe in that old fashioned relationship stuff. If you weren’t clear on the fact that you were just in this for sexual gratification, she may be thinking she’s going to win you over eventually.  And if you are hanging out with her, going places with her, etc, you are only further complicating the situation.  That’s just rude.

You two just aren’t in it for the same reasons. Therefore, to continue down the road with her at this point would be leading her on or worse, using her at the expense of her feelings.  Besides, it is also going to end up costing you…this is a co-worker! Do you want to set yourself up for chaos and drama in the workplace? I think even Abercrombie or Starbucks or wherever the hell your picking up your condom money is going to frown upon that kind of nonsense.  And most likely she IS going to grow more and more needy and attached as time goes on. The world does not need another rabbit boiler…you need to nip this.

If you are into casual dating and casual sex, more power to you. I am certainly not condemning you for that. But you and I both know that this girl is not. I don’t care how good the sex is, end it and go find yourself an easier going “friend”, one that you EXPLAIN the parameters to pre-sex! Do it now,  before this one burns you in effigy on your front lawn.

Love and Kisses,

Eve

When a friends with benefits scenario is one-sided, who is to blame?  Should he have explained?  Should she have not assumed?  Or is the guilty even shared, socialist style?  Have any of you been in a similar scenario?  How did you handle it?

Should he dine or dash?

My ex and I went out for two and a half years, and we have been broken up for two years now. We had a pretty bad break-up and only texted each other once every couple of months. A couple of week’s back she asked me out for dinner, we went out and just talked. We have been out together a couple more times and we just talk. We talk about everything but our past relationship. I am not sure what she is after. Could it be she wants me back or just wants to see how I am doing?

Eve’s insight would be helpful,
Befuddled in Baltimore

Dearest Befuddled,

Whoever coined the term “exes are exes for a reason” was no dumb! Might I suggest you get that sentiment permanently marked on your forehead as a constant reminder?

Considering your current circumstances and without the specific details of your “bad break-up” I can only assume that lack of communication played a major role in the demise of your coupledom. Perhaps your ex-GF has seen the errors of her ways, perhaps she’s reminiscing about the good ‘ol days, perhaps she’s just lonely and wants to drag you back into her lair…I don’t know, and neither will you until you man up and just ask her!

That being said, you need to be prepared for her answer. Since you accepted her offer to share a meal, is that all you want? Are you willing and able to forgive and forget in an attempt to rekindle your love affair? If not, are you capable of just being friends with the woman you once shared post coital bliss with? If you opt for the first choice you can’t move forward until you fix what was once broken. Beating around the bush and chatting about the weather as opposed to why you kicked her dog isn’t going to wipe the slate clean and give the two of you a Downy fresh new start. Suck it up and spill it…air your dirty laundry before the two of you start making new messes to clean up.

Being somewhat of anomaly, I wholeheartedly believe in remaining friends with exes. And although the two of you have passed the Distance Therapy portion of your relationship, that doesn’t mean its time to reconnect on a deeper or more intimate level. So take you time, objectively asses the situation and make a concise decision based on where you are today not where you wish you would’ve been two years ago!

Oh, and P.S.

If she stole from you, has serious mental health issues or slept with brother…get your balls out of her purse and stop getting sucked back into destructive old patterns. Otherwise…good luck with all of that, we’ll be praying for you.

KISSKISS
LOVELOVE,
Eve

What would you do if you were in Befuddled’s shoes? Would you entertain the notion of a reconciliation or would you define platonic boundaries? Have you ever gone back after a break-up hiatus and how did that work out for you?

He’s got two lovers, should he be ashamed?

Dear Eve,

I cannot stop cheating on my current girlfriend with my ex. I don’t even want to do it, sneaking around is a pain in the butt, and the sex with my girl is better anyway. Plus I do love her and I don’t want to hurt her. But when my ex calls I can’t say no. She has this way of making me feel bad and making me give in. What should I do?

Signed, Can’t stop letting her ride

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