I Didn’t Order That!
December 1, 2008
Its Monday December 1st, 2008…do you know where YOUR identity is? Are you certain about that? Seems I was having a far too relaxing holiday weekend and my identity, in the form of my Bank Card Information, was having a hootin’ and hollerin’ good time without me. Apparently, I was all over the internet like some greedy web whore buying myself up site memberships and flaunting the 16 little digits I thought I had tucked safely away in my wallet.
Two Bank e-mails, one 45 minute phone call with the fraud division and one vein popping out in my head later; I was lucky enough to wind down the rest of my weekend with a freeze on my account, while nearly $1700.00 of my money was still missing in action. It’ll all get put back of course, after a quick trip to my local bank and the signing of a few claim forms. An affidavit here, new bank card there and voila. It’s going to be that easy, right?
Considering that some 10 million Americans a year are victims of identity theft, with a loss totaling around $53 billion, I appear to have gotten out of this fairly unscathed. I’m tremendously grateful they caught the activity when they did and I might have missed the charges until it was too late had they not alerted me. Although, in going over my online statement with the Fraud Division Specialist, I realized my internet attacker may have been playing a poorly planned (and illegal) joke at my expense.
For instance, there were the membership fees to Yahoo Personals. Not just a one time membership fee, but 33 one time membership fees of $29.99. Thirty Three! Somebody out there really thinks I need to settle down with a nice boy, and is willing to spend my own hard earned money to do it. I immediately insisted to the division specialist that it looks like we’ve found the culprit…my own mother. Being computer and internet savvy is NOT one of the reasons I adore her; she could have easily clicked the ‘JOIN’ button 33 times in a row out of impatience for the page to load.
If that wasn’t bad enough, another dating site called Christian Mingle seems to have my money on hold. Scratch Mom off the list…she wouldn’t pull this one on me; she knows better. I was still on the phone when I got to the entry that said christianmingle.com. I believe my exact words were:
“Holy Shit! Who the fuck would sign me up for Christian Mingle?!”
To which the specialist said, “Okay then…we’ll go ahead and add that to the unauthorized list.” I think I made myself clear.
There are more, lots more. Gaming sites, gambling sites; and half a dozen Ukrainian websites that I can’t read…but the girls on the front page make it clear they speak the international languages of tits, ass and Chlamydia. Visit Kiev…then your Health Practitioner!
Seeing as how I’m fairly uptight about handing over my personal information, I’m definitely curious to find out how this happened. I don’t dole out my social security number to anyone, shred my documents, cut up and destroy credit card offers; I didn’t even click on the link that would have guaranteed my winnings in that Nigerian Lottery. So what then?
Until this whole thing is resolved, I’d like to take this time to advise the rest of you to be extremely diligent with your own records. The U.S. Department of Justice recommends the SCAM Method:
S - Stingy, be stingy about giving out any personal information regardless of who asks.
C - Check your financial information regularly and look for errors or red flags.
A - Ask for a copy of your credit report periodically and verify its contents. And;
M - Maintain careful records of your own regarding all financial accounts.
Otherwise you could end up like me; waking up too early to hit the closest local Branch Office to waste away hours of your life trying to explain to strangers that you really aren’t into Amateur Ukrainian Porn.
Well, I had one eye-opening Sunday afternoon, ladies and gents! Has this ever happened to you or somebody you know? How much loot were you out? Who the hell orders somebody 33+ Personal Ad memberships in the span of 24hrs? How closely do you check YOUR financial records and credit report? Most of all…do I go to the cops and prosecute this little bugger? Seriously!
Happy Endings
November 28, 2008
Dear Eve,
I’m all for intimacy and cuddling after sex, but at what point do you get cleaned up? I’ve read a lot here about doing it, but there’s not much mention of the fact that after sex, you are both all sweaty and sticky. So, what do you do? Do you just lay there in it with jizz oozing down your leg? That’s REAL romantic! Does anyone go to sleep like that?
Personally, I like to head straight for the shower as soon as my boyfriend and I are finished, but he hates it. He wants me to lay and snuggle in our filth. I’m starting to feel guilty and like I’m not romantic enough for him, but I just feel gross afterwards and must clean myself immediately.
So, you guys, give me some insight.
Not So Dirty Girl
Dear Super Sanitary Girl,
Why must you go and turn a perfectly delightful experience into something foul? Would you rather be getting it on with your other half in a sterile environment like oh, say… a Gynecologist’s office? Mmmm…the fresh scent of antibacterial soap, that ought to get everyone in the mood. Although stirrups could come in handy, I doubt if you’re the kind of girl that would embrace such a naughty tryst. No offense, but you seem a little uptight and we can’t blame it on the fact that you need to get laid, now can we?
Seriously sweets, lighten up on the Germaphobia why don’t you? It’s not as if your boyfriend is asking you to engage in poop-play, he just wants to stroke your hair and whisper sweet nothings in your ear. Sure post-coital snuggling and whatnot isn’t for everyone, but is it too much to ask that you compromise a wee bit and stop whining like a finicky little pain in the ass?
Now, while a little cuddle time is a priority for him, your health is also. So, I’m going to give you a hall pass of sorts. Before you start to resemble a frosted doughnut you need to get yourself to the potty to help prevent UTI’s and other germ related infections. Don’t worry your pretty little head…while the vajaja is a fragile environment, you aren’t going to start baking bread in the 5 minutes that you’ll spend getting spooned, so relax!
It’s time for you to put your big girl panties on and turn your ick-o-meter down a tad, m’kay? Albeit sometimes messy, sexy time should be fun and frivolous not something that makes you vomit in your mouth a little. So, rather than sprinting to the faucet while your bits are still tingly, why don’t you include the clean-up as part of your routine together? It’s a win-win…you’ll be clean and your beau will enjoy his happy ending with you by his side.
Perhaps store a box of vanilla scented Pleasure Wipes next to the bed for quick and easy cleansing. Or, if vanilla doesn’t suit your fancy simply use a towel. (I’d suggest a sock, but I’m certain that’s not an option for a spick ‘n span kinda’ gal like you.) If those suggestions just won’t work for you, invite him to join you in the shower… just make sure you pee first!
KISSKISS
LOVELOVE,
Eve
What say you…is getting a little messy part of the fun or is our girl a little on the prudish side? What’s your post-romp routine? Are you a crusty sleeper or a clean freak? And does boyfriend have the right to be upset or should he just accept her idiosyncrasy? Let’s hear it, folks…the jury is waiting.
Packed Up and Ready To Rage
November 26, 2008
Ahhh, to be on the open road during the Holiday Season. While many of you might be staying local for tomorrow’s feast and festivities; others know all too well they’re in for some mighty fun and ultra relaxing Holiday Driving! The stress up till now has been fairly low maintenance. You know who’s bringing who, who’s bringing what and to whose house; now it’s time to pack up your car, your patience and get there. Assuming, that is, you still want to go.
It’s estimated some 33 million people will be taking to our highways this week…and you’ll be surprised to know they are all NOT ahead of you on I-93, holding up the toll booths. With Thanksgiving being one of the deadliest highway weekends of the year, we hear at EVE-101 want you to buckle up, sober up and remember some of the Federal Highway Administrations tips about getting to and from your food comas safely and in one piece; physically and emotionally.
CLICKETY CLICKETY
Its 2008, people. Buckle Up! I’m sorry if it chafes you, doesn’t go with your outfit or makes it impossible for you to lean down into the passenger side floor to root around for the lipstick you dropped while going 95mph on a 4 lane Interstate. It’s the law and the only thing more annoying than you not wearing it is the ‘Click it or Ticket’ ad I’m forced to watch every year.
DISCONNECT
Our cell phones have become marvelous tools for connecting with the outside world. You can check your e-mail, MySpace, Facebook, take pictures of the crappy child flipping you off from the back window of a minivan and let the good people following you at Twitter hear all about your adventure. Just don’t do it in front of the rest of us. You run the risk of taking out an entire lane of innocent drivers because you can’t master your plump fingered dyslexia on your QWERTY keyboard. It can wait.
GET OFF HIS ASS!
Yes, I know. You were making great time before you got saddled into the lane immediately behind the overly cautious octogenarian. He’s people too, and even though you’d like to rear end his Buick just so you could inform him of everything that’s been invented since he got his license, don’t. Simply leave a little space until you can pass, and pray he isn’t going to the same city you are.
DON’T SLIP AND SLIDE
Holiday Driving through wet or icy conditions takes some care and consideration on your part. It’s a highway, not an Olympic Luge Run, or a damn flume at a water park. You’re going to have to expect to slow down a little and take your time. While there might be some manly boasting in the fact you made the 6 hour trip in 4.5, none of the is going to matter if you flip on mile marker 164 and paramedics have to dislodge you from a Northern Pine Tree
YOUR MOST PRESCIOUS CARGO
When traveling with a child, make sure all safety seats and restraints are installed properly, and up to government standards. When traveling with several children please understand they are not there to make you happy. Do not forget to pack portable DVD player, Game boys, iPods, snacks, annoyingly loud shit that lights up but has no off button and a reasonable bag of threats that will make you pull that car over this instant! Oh, and Advil for you.
HAVE PITY ON THE REST OF US
You are the most fantastic driver in the world, and the rest of us are fucking morons. You are going to have to come to terms with that, and the fact that the other 33 million drivers on the road think the exact same thing. You would never go 8 miles with your left blinker on then turn right; or forget the master merging skills the rest of us have yet to figure the hell out. Just make sure your mirrors are properly adjusted, and that you have warmed up your middle finger. You wouldn’t want to run the risk of a sprain, rendering it useless for the trip back home.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
EVE-101 will back on Friday with more fun filled excitement to round out the week!
Until then…give us a little of your road rage! Are you a cautious driver or are stop signs just a suggestion; like braking for pedestrians. Any stories from the open road you’d like to share? What are your driving pet peeves? Speak loudly for I like to sing in the car and occasional drum the steering wheel while the light goes from red to green…come join us and Honk it Out below!
While the cat’s away…
November 25, 2008
Ssshhhh! Since my oh-so-fabulous co-conspirator is away on vacation I’ve made an executive decision to have a little play date with all of you…with gifts and everything! Okay-Okay, truth be known, I was feeling quite indecisive. I couldn’t decide on whether or not I should remind all of you to be grateful, give thanks on Thursday and do a random act of kindness or entertain you with a riveting Ask Eve. Ultimately I opted for neither and to simply thank all of you instead. Wheeeeee!
Since you’re all grown-ups and you know right from wrong (you do, don’t you?) the last thing you need to read is an inspirational message from me about all of the things you should be appreciative for. Instead let’s purge all of our pre-holiday frustrations about the things we aren’t so thrilled about, m’kay?
It’s a win-win…by the time you face Aunt Sue on Thursday, not only will you be lighthearted, but perhaps you’ll even be the owner of some Eve-101 paraphernalia.
- Quick and easy…choose one (or more if it suits your fancy) of the questions below.
- Answer it in the comments.
(Be sure to include your e-mail address in case you’re a winner) - Be original.
- Have fun.
- Oh, and give thanks!
Let the games begin…
1) Your family’s quirkiest tradition is what?
2) You would do anything to not have to sit next to whom at dinner, and why?
3) The one thing you aren’t grateful for this year?
4) You’re most grateful for what?
5) You’re most outrageous Thanksgiving memory is?
I’m sure you’re wondering what precious gift I will bestow upon you for throwing yourselves under the bus, aren’t you? Well the fun isn’t over yet! Since I’m feeling extra generous I will let the winner decide their fate…errrr prize.
It could be a cute pair of chonies like this…
A cozy sweatshirt…
Or any other item from our cafepress store, that your little heart desires.
There you have it my lovelies, a fun-filled Q&A sponsored by your resident anti-turkey day girl. May you all enjoy your holiday and a pleasant tryptophan coma!
Kielbasas or Cocktail Weenies?
November 19, 2008
Dear Eve,
I met a woman online about two and a half months ago. Things had been going good and we are supposed to meet in several weeks. But I am not sure if I am going to be able to go through with it. The problem is, we started having phone sex week before last. And it was really great, and really hot, until she started talking about how she couldn’t wait to have my big hard c**k. Over and over, she just kept talking about my giant, enormous, monster dick. Well, I do not have a big dick, at all. In fact I am fully aware of the fact that I am well below average. I’m not ashamed, I just think this woman is going to be disappointed when she finds me to not be as well endowed as she imagined. So Eve, do I need to cancel my ticket? Or tell her the truth? Or just go and deal with the sad look I know will cross her face when I drop my pants in front of her for the first time?
Signed, No thunder down under
Dearest Under-achiever,
Well, well, well. This is quite a pickle, my friend. Trouble is, it’s a gherkin and your lady friend was really hoping for a dill. I know, I know, how completely un-kosher of me. I’ll stop. Where were we? Oh yeah, your small penis.
Honestly, phone sex talk is just that…talk. Sure, she might be a big dick fiend who will laugh (or cry) in the face of your Cracker Jack prize of a peen, but it is just as likely that she is simply playing with the dialogue in the only way she knows how. What do most guys want us ladies to say about their dicks? That they are soooo big…soooo hard…sooo thick… blah-ditty-blah, blah. This girl most likely said what she assumed you wanted to hear, that’s all.
Lets chat for a second here, woman to man. Do you know what matters most to me, and 99% of my female friends? Your ability to make us orgasm. So do you work what Mother Nature gave you to the best of your abilities? Have you perfected your oral skills? Are you good with your hands? And most importantly, are you going to be able to go into this with confidence in your abilities? If you find yourself answering yes to all of the above, don’t cash in your ticket. Go, have fun, and don’t say a word about her “big” talk. Take her to the moon and back and she will not care about thumb-kin down there in your pants.
Now, if she IS one of those women, (and yes, they are out there) that just cannot be satisfied with anything less than a Godzilla-wang, well then unfortunately she is not the one for you. (Or for most guys, really.) But you won’t know unless you try.
And if she does unwrap your package and promptly ask for a refund, you don’t need her giant vagina having self anyway…so there!
Love and kisses,
Eve
Recent Comments