Public Displays of Attention

We all like attention.  We enjoy it in different forms and at different levels, but we enjoy it none the less.  Some of us simply want to be noticed while others are all out self righteous attention whores.  It’s generally a one way street with these individuals.  Life is all about one thing and it certainly isn’t the rest of us.  They might be able to block out the world around them, but the remaining individuals in their path are forced to swim through their wake just to get through the day.

They’ll claim, of course, that they hate the attention, and ponder why we just can’t mind our own business?  To that I say I’m lucky to have both my eyes and ears performing at optimal levels, and you people are invading those senses with your careless lack of social grace.  I could most certainly do without the following:

Playground PDA

Do you guys know each other, or should I be looking around for the closest red emergency phone to report a sexual assault?  It’s hard to tell by the way you were groping and straddling one another on a park bench, no less than 15 feet away from where children are playing.  A little passionate and reckless abandon between couples is understandable; some times the moment takes you over.  There’s nothing wrong with letting the world know you’re in love…or that you’re incredibly tacky.

Still, this is a public park and not your personal playground.  There are bedrooms and public toilets for that kind of indecency.  So please refrain from jabbing your tongue so far down your lover’s throat that it looks like you just hatched, and are feeding from a mama bird.

Disturbing the Peace

Nothing is more irritating than having to watch a couple argue in public.  Sure, I see the potential entertainment value, but 9 times out of 10 it just gets in my way.  I’m trying to run an errand and you are trying to save your marriage on aisle 7.  This is something I will never understand, and maybe it’s because I’m not terribly good at debating with a little thing I call ‘crazy’.

Its bad enough being on one side of a public argument, trying to calm your partner down until you can manage to get out of the store.  Even worse if both of you are having it out and disturbing the peace around you.  We don’t care if he never listens to you, you never let him talk or he doesn’t have the ability to effectively plan a menu for your crappy relative’s party.  In fact, take it to the parking lot so I can throw raw eggs at you on the way to my car.

Is Anybody Home?

Living with roommates shouldn’t feel like a delicate and fragile existence.  True, you’re renting ‘space’ not people or friendships; but common sense and consideration isn’t too much to ask for.  Neither is closing the bedroom door all the way before having a disturbingly loud sexual smack down with the rest of the apartment trying to watch television 15 feet away.  I know, this isn’t ‘Public’, seeing as how you are in your own bedroom…but you could show a little sense of privacy, no?

This situation always seems to be worse when the living conditions are co-ed.  The girlfriend who’s at your apartment 4 times a week, using your washer and dryer, eating your food - she doesn’t like that her fella shacks up with other women.  So instead of taking a territorial piss around a man you’d never have sex with if he begged you, she decides to imitate an Ecuadorian Howler Monkey every times she mates.  Yes, we can hear you.  He’s all yours, sweetie.

I’m not asking for anyone to put their spontaneity and carefree sense of self on complete lockdown…but does common sense always have to go flying out the window?   Get a room, take it outside and keep it down.  Otherwise I’m considering it a free ticket and I’m going to start adding commentary.  Trust me, you don’t want that.

What do you think about all this PDA?  Should there be a little discretion…even at the tire swing??  Any sort of PDA that annoys you?  Public make out sessions, the couple in the theater or the booth next to you in the restaurant?  Loud roommate sex…come on!  Who hasn’t had to suffer that?  Leave a little ranting or raving below…AND:

Our EVE-101 baby is growing up today to better accommodate all of our lovely readers.  We may shut down for a short period, but we’ll be right back up again with new panties…maybe we’ll even be wearing them.  So hold on tight, we may lose some of your comments in the change over…but rest assured we aren’t going anywhere!

I Didn’t Order That!

Its Monday December 1^st, 2008…do you know where YOUR identity is?  Are you certain about that?  Seems I was having a far too relaxing holiday weekend and my identity, in the form of my Bank Card Information, was having a hootin’ and hollerin’ good time without me.  Apparently, I was all over the internet like some greedy web whore buying myself up site memberships and flaunting the 16 little digits I thought I had tucked safely away in my wallet.

Two Bank e-mails, one 45 minute phone call with the fraud division and one vein popping out in my head later; I was lucky enough to wind down the rest of my weekend with a freeze on my account, while nearly $1700.00 of my money was still missing in action.  It’ll all get put back of course, after a quick trip to my local bank and the signing of a few claim forms.  An affidavit here, new bank card there and voila.  It’s going to be that easy, right?

Considering that some 10 million Americans a year are victims of identity theft, with a loss totaling around $53 billion, I appear to have gotten out of this fairly unscathed.  I’m tremendously grateful they caught the activity when they did and I might have missed the charges until it was too late had they not alerted me.  Although, in going over my online statement with the Fraud Division Specialist, I realized my internet attacker may have been playing a poorly planned (and illegal) joke at my expense.

For instance, there were the membership fees to Yahoo Personals.  Not just a one time membership fee, but 33 one time membership fees of $29.99.  Thirty Three!  Somebody out there really thinks I need to settle down with a nice boy, and is willing to spend my own hard earned money to do it.  I immediately insisted to the division specialist that it looks like we’ve found the culprit…my own mother.  Being computer and internet savvy is NOT one of the reasons I adore her; she could have easily clicked the ‘JOIN’ button 33 times in a row out of impatience for the page to load.

If that wasn’t bad enough, another dating site called Christian Mingle seems to have my money on hold.  Scratch Mom off the list…she wouldn’t pull this one on me; she knows better.  I was still on the phone when I got to the entry that said christianmingle.com.  I believe my exact words were:

“Holy Shit!  Who the fuck would sign me up for Christian Mingle?!”

To which the specialist said, “Okay then…we’ll go ahead and add that to the unauthorized list.”  I think I made myself clear.

There are more, lots more.  Gaming sites, gambling sites; and half a dozen Ukrainian websites that I can’t read…but the girls on the front page make it clear they speak the international languages of tits, ass and Chlamydia.  Visit Kiev…then your Health Practitioner!

Seeing as how I’m fairly uptight about handing over my personal information, I’m definitely curious to find out how this happened.  I don’t dole out my social security number to anyone, shred my documents, cut up and destroy credit card offers; I didn’t even click on the link that would have guaranteed my winnings in that Nigerian Lottery.  So what then?

Until this whole thing is resolved, I’d like to take this time to advise the rest of you to be extremely diligent with your own records.  The U.S. Department of Justice recommends the SCAM Method:

S - Stingy, be stingy about giving out any personal information regardless of who asks.

C - Check your financial information regularly and look for errors or red flags.

A - Ask for a copy of your credit report periodically and verify its contents. And;

M - Maintain careful records of your own regarding all financial accounts.

Otherwise you could end up like me; waking up too early to hit the closest local Branch Office to waste away hours of your life trying to explain to strangers that you really aren’t into Amateur Ukrainian Porn.

Well, I had one eye-opening Sunday afternoon, ladies and gents!  Has this ever happened to you or somebody you know?  How much loot were you out?  Who the hell orders somebody 33+ Personal Ad memberships in the span of 24hrs?  How closely do you check YOUR financial records and credit report?  Most of all…do I go to the cops and prosecute this little bugger?  Seriously!

Packed Up and Ready To Rage

Ahhh, to be on the open road during the Holiday Season.  While many of you might be staying local for tomorrow’s feast and festivities; others know all too well they’re in for some mighty fun and ultra relaxing Holiday Driving!  The stress up till now has been fairly low maintenance.  You know who’s bringing who, who’s bringing what and to whose house; now it’s time to pack up your car, your patience and get there.  Assuming, that is, you still want to go.

It’s estimated some 33 million people will be taking to our highways this week…and you’ll be surprised to know they are all NOT ahead of you on I-93, holding up the toll booths.  With Thanksgiving being one of the deadliest highway weekends of the year, we hear at EVE-101 want you to buckle up, sober up and remember some of the Federal Highway Administrations tips about getting to and from your food comas safely and in one piece; physically and emotionally.

CLICKETY CLICKETY

Its 2008, people.  Buckle Up!  I’m sorry if it chafes you, doesn’t go with your outfit or makes it impossible for you to lean down into the passenger side floor to root around for the lipstick you dropped while going 95mph on a 4 lane Interstate.  It’s the law and the only thing more annoying than you not wearing it is the ‘Click it or Ticket’ ad I’m forced to watch every year.

DISCONNECT

Our cell phones have become marvelous tools for connecting with the outside world.  You can check your e-mail, MySpace, Facebook, take pictures of the crappy child flipping you off from the back window of a minivan and let the good people following you at Twitter hear all about your adventure.  Just don’t do it in front of the rest of us.  You run the risk of taking out an entire lane of innocent drivers because you can’t master your plump fingered dyslexia on your QWERTY keyboard.  It can wait.

GET OFF HIS ASS!

Yes, I know.  You were making great time before you got saddled into the lane immediately behind the overly cautious octogenarian.  He’s people too, and even though you’d like to rear end his Buick just so you could inform him of everything that’s been invented since he got his license, don’t.  Simply leave a little space until you can pass, and pray he isn’t going to the same city you are.

DON’T SLIP AND SLIDE

Holiday Driving through wet or icy conditions takes some care and consideration on your part.  It’s a highway, not an Olympic Luge Run, or a damn flume at a water park.  You’re going to have to expect to slow down a little and take your time.  While there might be some manly boasting in the fact you made the 6 hour trip in 4.5, none of the is going to matter if you flip on mile marker 164 and paramedics have to dislodge you from a Northern Pine Tree

YOUR MOST PRESCIOUS CARGO

When traveling with a child, make sure all safety seats and restraints are installed properly, and up to government standards.  When traveling with several children please understand they are not there to make you happy.  Do not forget to pack portable DVD player, Game boys, iPods, snacks, annoyingly loud shit that lights up but has no off button and a reasonable bag of threats that will make you pull that car over this instant!  Oh, and Advil for you.

HAVE PITY ON THE REST OF US

You are the most fantastic driver in the world, and the rest of us are fucking morons.  You are going to have to come to terms with that, and the fact that the other 33 million drivers on the road think the exact same thing.  You would never go 8 miles with your left blinker on then turn right; or forget the master merging skills the rest of us have yet to figure the hell out.  Just make sure your mirrors are properly adjusted, and that you have warmed up your middle finger.  You wouldn’t want to run the risk of a sprain, rendering it useless for the trip back home.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

EVE-101 will back on Friday with more fun filled excitement to round out the week!

Until then…give us a little of your road rage!  Are you a cautious driver or are stop signs just a suggestion; like braking for pedestrians.  Any stories from the open road you’d like to share?  What are your driving pet peeves?  Speak loudly for I like to sing in the car and occasional drum the steering wheel while the light goes from red to green…come join us and Honk it Out below!

While the cat’s away…

Ssshhhh! Since my oh-so-fabulous co-conspirator is away on vacation I’ve made an executive decision to have a little play date with all of you…with gifts and everything! Okay-Okay, truth be known, I was feeling quite indecisive. I couldn’t decide on whether or not I should remind all of you to be grateful, give thanks on Thursday and do a random act of kindness or entertain you with a riveting Ask Eve. Ultimately I opted for neither and to simply thank all of you instead. Wheeeeee!

Since you’re all grown-ups and you know right from wrong (you do, don’t you?) the last thing you need to read is an inspirational message from me about all of the things you should be appreciative for. Instead let’s purge all of our pre-holiday frustrations about the things we aren’t so thrilled about, m’kay?

It’s a win-win…by the time you face Aunt Sue on Thursday, not only will you be lighthearted, but perhaps you’ll even be the owner of some Eve-101 paraphernalia.

• Quick and easy…choose one (or more if it suits your fancy) of the questions below.
• Answer it in the comments.
  (Be sure to include your e-mail address in case you’re a winner)
• Be original.
• Have fun.
• Oh, and give thanks!

Let the games begin…

1)    Your family’s quirkiest tradition is what?

2)    You would do anything to not have to sit next to whom at dinner, and why?

3)    The one thing you aren’t grateful for this year?

4)    You’re most grateful for what?

5)    You’re most outrageous Thanksgiving memory is?

I’m sure you’re wondering what precious gift I will bestow upon you for throwing yourselves under the bus, aren’t you? Well the fun isn’t over yet! Since I’m feeling extra generous I will let the winner decide their fate…errrr prize.

It could be a cute pair of chonies like this…

A cozy sweatshirt…

Or any other item from our cafepress store, that your little heart desires.

There you have it my lovelies, a fun-filled Q&A sponsored by your resident anti-turkey day girl. May you all enjoy your holiday and a pleasant tryptophan coma!

Roll Up The Red Carpet

Hollywood, what’s happening to you?  You are supposed to be a golden city; an epicenter of cinematic genius and big ideas.  It’s only 2008!  You can’t be running out of steam this soon.  No less than a week ago I was reminiscing about the movies of my youth, and how you’ve really dropped the ball for this generation of teenagers.  I’d barely gotten over the news that you’re remaking The Karate Kid, and now THIS?

“Monopoly”.  The game.  The board game.  Universal Studios is going to be adapting “Monopoly” into a full length feature film.  It’s going to be directed by none other than Ridley Scott - Blade Runner Ridley Scott; Gladiator Ridley Scott.   I’m going to give you a second to think about that…still with me?  Then you’ll also be interested in knowing they have additional plans for a screen version of “Battleship”, and “Ouija Board”.  Is there room for a red carpet turn out at the bottom of the barrel they have landed themselves in?

I thought the writer’s strike was over?  Yet every time I turn around something is being remade, pre-quelled or regurgitated from my youth and thrown back into my face.  Do they think I have totally forgotten the last 30 years?  Our board games aren’t even safe…is that really all you have left in your Tinseltown think tanks?

I know, I know; there was a screen adaptation of the murder mystery game Clue; but I’d also like to point out that it was 1985.  As far as I’m concerned Monopoly is just another rip off idea from when I was a kid.  Movie studios can do the math just like I can…1+2+1+1.

I’ve decided I am going to start preparing myself for additional movie production nightmares designed to squeeze every last breath and dollar out of a once original concept.  I’ve already made peace with the following:

American Pie: Trivial Pursuit Edition

I’m pretty sure Renaissance Man Adam Herz has one more American Pie film left in him.  It can be a zany scavenger hunt of sorts; seven 20 something actors, playing horny teenage stereotypes on an all night mission.  Either they get every piece of their pie filled before the sun comes up, or they are forced to go straight to DVD.

Count Chocula:  The Movie

I figure between all the hype regarding True Blood and Twilight that this new vampire crap isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.  Why not give a little screen time to a man who’s also been a part of our complete breakfast for years?  Usually the movie comes out first and THEN it ends up marketed into our cereal bowls.  They’ll never see him coming.  We used to buy these cereals for the sugar and prizes; now we can buy them for the free code to download their theatrical trailer on iTunes.  Who better to market to than kids with A.D.D spazzing out from the dyes we feed them?

Valley Girls of the Dead

George Romero screenplays seem to be just as undead as their characters.  Ever since the original Night of the Living Dead in 1968, our Zombies have gotten faster, stronger, smarter and more blood thirsty.  Isn’t it time they got a little more fashionable?  I’m tired of the same old tattered rag a muffin ghouls running through the streets.   Why not broaden the audience this time around and make them a little more, like, you know…tasty?

I don’t think I am far off when it comes to what big brass film executives are capable of.  By trying to peak my interest through nostalgia the end result is me not wanting to take part in any of it.

I have absolutely no idea how Ridley Scott is going to adapt a game like “Monopoly” into a film I would pay a $12 ticket price to see.  My guess is it’s going to end up just like the board game itself - two hours of my life taken from me with everybody pissed off and remembering why it sucks.

Is nothing sacred?  Even a board game that causes family chaos when the power goes out?  Don’t stop now…there must be something you would like to see from your childhood thrown up on the big screen to make some coin.  Top Gun the Musical?  A remake of the A-Team?  When will this madness end?  Are we out of original ideas?  Or is that just too much work when you have promo items with traces of lead to mass produce for opening night?

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