Dirty, Dirty Divorcee’

“I am not judged by the number of times I fail, but by the number of times I succeed: and the number of times I succeed is in direct proportion to the number of times I fail and keep trying.”

Shattered dreams, broken promises, division of assets and custody battles…all the marks of a failed attempt at a sacred union summed up with one word… “Divorced.” Considering that over fifty percent of all marriages don’t last until death do us part I find it ironic that there appears to be such a negative stigma attached to what I perceive as a badge of honor. Perhaps my perception is skewed, but how can anyone negate the strength that one attains from surviving monumental heartbreak?

I’ve lived to tell the tale of my “Starter Marriage” (plus another) relatively unscathed. And anyone who has endured the tumultuous events caused by dissolution knows how daunting the aftermath can be. So why would others take issue with wearing the “D” label proudly?

Just recently I was not only asked, “why do you say that you’re divorced and not single?“   but I was also “commanded to change my status” on a popular social networking site by a fellow Eve staffer.  While I found Ms. Meghan’s request to be quite humorous, she obviously isn’t the only one who has made mention of my D-status lately. While harmless in their inquiries, I was left pondering…do others perceive me as some sort of spinster in waiting? I mean, I don’t even own a cat nevertheless a dozen, so why all the hoopla?

Yes, I am divorced, but like many who’ve traversed a similar path, I am also a strong, courageous woman who made some difficult decisions. Divorcee’s are not defined by a label or check mark. Divorce is not who we are, only what we’ve done…it is merely a blip on our lifelines. As with all life experiences, hopefully we learn from our lessons, never repeat them, and still maintain a glimmer of hope for the future.

So the next time you find yourself wondering why someone acknowledges their divorced status, don‘t judge them, but rather realize what they’ve overcome. Know that perhaps they look at blissful couples and dream that forever isn’t an urban legend but a tangible reality. Congratulate their perseverance. Acknowledge that their heart has scar tissue from withstanding some bumps and bruises. Celebrate new beginnings and the exciting adventures that lie ahead.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not pro-divorce propaganda. But the fact of the matter is, it happens…a lot, and quite often for very good reasons. To ostracize or condemn people for seeking happiness or attempting to rectify a poor decision is…well, it’s just not right. So don’t do it!

I need your help Eve-ers! I want to understand why divorce is such a dirty word. Do you frown upon those who walk down the aisle and straight to divorce court? Or, do you see divorce as a way of life in our grass is greener culture? Which box do you/would you check?

Brownie Points

Relationships shouldn’t come with score cards but inevitably we either rack up brownie points or suffer the consequences of being kicked to the curb. Let’s be honest, chicks can be psycho and crazy just isn’t cute! (Unless of course your fantasies include a straight jacket and ball gag…but that’s an entirely different subject all together.) So how about we try and minimize the insanity factor, shall we? I’m talking to you, men!

We all know that men and women simply aren’t wired the same…Mars and Venus ring a bell? If you happen to be a card carrying member of the penis club there are a few things you ought to know about the *ahem* fairer sex, if you’d like to keep your relationship balance in the black.

Gentlemen, please do us a favor and keep in mind that we ladies live by a different set of rules that are governed by our hormones. Sorry, it’s not an excuse just a fact. And one that I’m sure you’re already aware of…unless you live in a cave. What you may not know however is how to navigate our fragile environments in such a way that will keep us swooning rather than devising our exit strategies.

Let us help you…it is after all our predisposed genetic tendency. Pay attention guys, because those little things you may be doing that you think are winning her over could very well be causing her to fantasize about smothering you in your sleep.

Here are a few helpful hints to keep your sweetheart confident in the decision that she’s made you her one and only…

Fix her stuff, not her troubles.
Although your gal may be perfectly capable of changing a light bulb or checking the oil in her car, those pesky tasks are not always high on her priority list. Taking the initiative to do those little things lets her know that you’re concerned with her safety and well-being.  Trying to solve her workplace woes on the other hand will more than likely be met with resistance…steer clear of that in which you cannot change!

Control your green eyed monster.
Women want to know that the man in her life finds her attractive and desirable, but that doesn’t mean she wants to break up a bar room brawl. Rather than threatening to kick some dudes ass for checking out your woman, just smile, nod and appreciate the fact that you’re the one she’s going home with…and going down on.

“Good Night, Sugar”
Although silence is often a virtue, women connect through communication. Taking the time to say “Good Night” is a simple and very effective way to ensure that she sleeps peacefully. Two seconds of effort will provide hours of joy…where else can you get a return on your investment like that?

Lost and Found
Don’t lose your lovely…she is after all your most prized possession. A quick wink from across a crowded  room tells her that you’re paying attention and ready to whisk her away at the slightest inkling that Aunt Betsy’s stories are starting to drone on.

Jekyll and Hyde
If you wouldn’t do it in front of her, don’t do it behind her back. Remember, the walls have eyes…and ears. If you misbehave, she will find out. So mind your P’s and Q’s and don’t do anything you wouldn’t want her doing. I really didn’t need to mention this, did I?

Pushing Buttons
Sure it was cute when you pulled our ponytails on the playground, but it’s time to grow up. Incessant teasing is adorable for about the first two minutes, after that we want to punch you right in the smacker! If you must “get a reaction” out of your lovah try inducing a smile/head tilt. You’ll enjoy the rewards much more than a black eye.

“Bitch!”
Name calling in the midst of an argument is disrespectful and never acceptable! If your sweetie has irritated you in ways that only your Mother can, take your frustrations out on her cooter not her eardrums. If you must mutter obscenities in the heat of the moment, do it between the sheets.

Believe it or not, those of us who own vajajas really are simple creatures; although we can make things more complicated than need be. We will over-analyze and interpret your every word and action; again, my apologies. Remember however, that it isn’t all that difficult to keep your lady enthralled and enthusiastic it just takes a wee bit of effort. So run, be free, and be kind to the one who greets your morning breath with a smile.

Oh, and p.s.
“Don’t be a dick!”

Okay girls, these were just a few of the many things men can do to make our hearts go pitter-patter. What are your relationship do’s and don’ts? Guys, do you have a secret weapon when it comes to making the woman in your life pleased to see your face? Or are you struggling to stay afloat in the dating pool?

The Bext Ex-Wife, Ever!

Little excites me more in this life than my kiddos. Oh sure, a night of all-consuming, down-n-dirty, multi-orgasmic passion brings a different level of bliss to my life. I won’t deny it! No doubt, winning the lottery would result in my dancing around naked and singing my joy from the mountaintops. Can you just envision it now? Me, poetically turning along my path of pirouettes, while doling out copious amounts of hard cash along the way! *sigh*

There is normal daily excitement and then there is “other” excitement. In the day to day, nothing excites me more than being a great mom to my son and daughter. Where some parents find the daily stuff to be mundane, it is where I know my greatest purpose is being served. It is in the daily interractions my children have learned some of the most important life lessons. It’s rarely what we are doing that matters, it is how we are choosing to do something. Cooking eggs on a Saturday may be dull to most. However, to us, it’s an opportunity to share a task, sing songs and make up goofy words. It’s learning, cooking and entertainment!

Coming a close second to that daily pleasure is finding new and creative ways to be a great ex-wife. Yes, you heard me right. When their dad left me five years ago, I was immediately committed to the idea of being The Best Ex-Wife, Ever. I am sure there were moments I fantasized about The Best Ex Trophy. In my head, I recall thinking, “if you are going to leave me, you are going to miss me and end up begging for me to take you back.” Perhaps I planned on being the Best Ex-Wife ever with a secret hope he would change his mind about the divorce. I figured I would kill his hatred with my love. Like that works!

The irony is that it did, in fact, work. It just didn’t work as I had envisioned. Once that initial rush of spiteful energy passed, I realized I actually DID want to be the Best Ex-Wife, Ever. At that point, it had nothing to do with my ex and everything to do with my children. I wanted to be my best “everything” for them. I wanted to be loving, kind, forgiving, understanding and all other things for them. However, to be those things for them, I needed to be those things with their daddy, too. In theory, it sounded good and felt right. In practice, it took a while. Divorce is never pretty, especially with children involved.

I will admit the first year post-divorce was not easy. There was anger and hurt on both sides, much undefined. Other than settling into a Parenting Plan and getting adjusted to the major changes divorce brings, I can’t say we accomplished much in the way of forging a positive parenting relationship during that first year. However, by the time our daughter was turning two and our son was almost four-years-old, things slowly began to change. My ex started dating a woman he really liked. I wanted my kids to know, unequivocally, that their dad’s happiness was a good thing. I wanted my kids to know that liking another woman did not diminish their love for me. I did NOT want my kids to feel any of the classic guilt most kids feel when given the opportunity to form a relationship with one parent’s new interest. As a result, they do have a great relationship with the woman destined to be their step-mom. Showing her respect is a natural extension of showing their father respect.

Flash forward. Our kids are six and seven-years-old. Their father and I are still (and often!) mistaken for being married at the ballfield or at their school. The truth is, we probably get along better than most married couples. We talk, we laugh, we email and share every detail regarding our kids. We stay on the same page because we know it’s the best thing for our kids. Turns out, it’s the best thing for us, too.

When people ask me how we do it, I say what works for us borders on things we learned in Kindergarten. For us, it basically falls under five key rules:
1) Be honest and Kind. Seriously. You don’t have to be a bitch or a bastard. Use common courtesy such as please and thank you. Manners are easily noticed and set the right example for your kids.

2) Admitting when you are wrong is imperative. Admit it to each other, preferably in front of the kids. “I was wrong about the field trip date”, is so simple. It also shows your kids that adults make mistakes,too.

3.) Be flexible and creative in your parenting plan. Instead of four full weeks during the year, it works much better for my ex (and our kids!) for him to keep the kids every other Tuesday. Don’t get stuck in the laws or rules of others, find what works for you and your kids.

4.) Share accomplishments openly. For example, I don’t sign report cards until he sees them. We communicate about classroom plays, activities and other things we should both know about. There is no exclusion, only inclusion. We share in the joy of being parents as often as possible. We laugh over silly stuff the kids do at each of our houses. Humor really does heal.
5.) Don’t take each other for granted. Remember, the marriage is likely over ,in part, because one or both took the other for granted. WIthout blowing smoke up my ex’s ass, I let him know how much I appreciate his support and involvement. He is at almost every practice, every game and at any school meeting upon request. I am grateful my kids have such a loving and involved father. Not all kids are that lucky.

Believe it or not, it’s the little things which make co-parenting so much easier. Basic honesty, kindness, compassion and understanding. It’s so simple, I feel a bit like an idiot writing about it! Often, I hear what a total asshat someone’s ex may be and how what works for us could never work for them. Tell you what, I’ll accept that you don’t think there can be any change. I just ask that you consider that change is possible. Truly, it started working for us when I decided his response was not relevant to my actions. Over time, his responses changed. Maybe the difference was making the decision for himself and not being coerced into “my” way

What about you? What works for you or someone you know in the co-parenting arena?

Breaking-Up for Dummies

There’s a fine line between love and hate…one day you and your lovely are in the throws of passion and the next you find yourself fantasizing about smothering them in their sleep. Somehow, something went awry and “I do” became “I don’t!”  And although we can’t forego the pain of a break-up we can at the very least attempt a healthy departure with our wits in tact.

There will always be some level of heartache and headache attached to mourning the loss of happily ever after. Albeit not the easiest of tasks, it is possible for two people to end what once was whilst maintaining a level of love and respect for one another.  The end of a relationship shouldn’t be considered a failure, but rather a life lesson to learn from…and hopefully not repeat.

Whether you are the dumper or dumpee, mid-break-up is not the time to be either pompous or self-defeating, so don’t forget to check your ego. If you find yourself no longer willing or able to be committed you must first devise a graceful exit strategy. State your case calmly and with compassion, take responsibility, and don’t drag it out. Conversely, if you’ve just been kicked in the gut, remember that one relationship is not the be all-end all…there really are plenty of fish in the sea. Be grateful for the good times, pick yourself up, dry your eyes and for the love of gawd, don’t utter the words “I’ll never love another“… because you will!

Through 5 major breakups (2 marriages, 3 engagements) I’ve discovered one key element to dissolution survival and that is embracing “Distance Therapy.” No matter how hard we want to cling to the past or resurrect that loving feeling it is imperative to learn to stand on our own two feet. Phone calls, text messages, e-mails and drive-by’s are off limits until you’ve reached the safety zone of self-preservation.

While engaging in Distance Therapy it is of the utmost importance that your number one priority is yourself.

• Remember that avoiding pain in lieu of temporary pleasure will only cause more damage in the end. Steer clear of drunken one-night stands that will give you nothing more than a hangover and a possible STD.

• Be proactive by starting new habits and relinquishing those that are no longer serving a positive purpose.

• Get mentally and physically healthy…learn who you are and what you enjoy.

• Grieve but don’t get lost. You only have one life, so don’t waste precious time and energy with “what ifs and woulda’, shoulda’ coulda’s,” they’re pointless and will do nothing but cause more pain and misery.

Once you’ve mastered the new and improved you, you’re on the right path to starting anew.

Time truly does heal all wounds, and one miraculous day will arrive when you realize that you have acquired the strength and ability to face your past without being plagued by the sight of it. This is the time to entertain the idea of salvaging a friendship with your former lovah, but keep in mind that it’s a slippery slope and one that must be navigated with distinct boundaries. Falling into an on again - off again relationship is futile at best and a sure fire way to crucify your dignity and sanity. Heed a reunion with caution…be aware of the warning signs that one or both parties may have ulterior motives. Be forgiving and patient… allow a new evolution begin. If you’re lucky you might just find a new friend in an old love.

How do you break-up? Do you slam the door never to open it again, or do you collect of harem of ex’s? What break-up survival tips and tricks have worked for you? Are you friends with your ex’s, or is an ex and ex for a reason?

I like to be on top.

I hear Tom Petty’s song “American Girl” when I think of a specific day back in September of 1993. I had recently turned sixteen and had just gotten my license. My mom was way to nervous to teach me to drive so I had my learners permit later than most. I learned to drive by taking Drivers Ed. They taught me the ins and outs of yield signs and horror stories about barefoot driving and how it can amputate your toes. I was finally free to move around, get out of the house, and I didn’t need my mom or grandparents to help me do it. FREEDOM…

I was driving my mom’s Ford Bronco II and had just gotten to my friend Pete’s* house. See, his best friend had broken up with me and I was devastated. Granted he was 21 and I was 16 and he was in college, but how dare he do this to me?? I mean, was he going to get back with his ex girlfriend of 2 years? What was going on I HAD TO KNOW! I was going 49mph down a residential Beach Road like a maniac. This was an emergency recon mission.

Pete wasn’t home. Where are people when you need them??? This was an emergency! I am crying and of course there are no cell phones back in the nine three so I am determined to FIND him and find out what is going on. Because *Grant isn’t answering his phone at home and I will not be ignored!

I left his house and decide to go up the side road just to see if he is parked at a local hangout. I am now FLYing.

Since I had a whopping 20 hours of driving under my belt, when I reached the stop sign to make a right to get back on the main road I decided to do a “California Stop/Roll.” From what I understand this means that you kinda sorta stop then when no one is coming you just roll through and keep on going. So, I do this. I slow down, look left, look right and then it happened.

There is a police car coming towards me from my right. He is turning onto the road I am on! This would be the moment when I should slam on brakes and not to get a ticket for not stopping fully at a stop sign. So, being a smart sixteen year old that is what I do.

Oh yeah, the brake is on the left isn’t it?

In the time it took you to read that sentence I had accidentally hit the gas instead of the brake and put my entire Bronco II on top of a City Police Car.

And there it was…

Except my car was actually ON TOP of the entire hood of the police cruiser.

There are always those moments in life where things just change. You find out that the world doesn’t revolve around you and your sad little problems. That was the day for me. I all of a sudden could care less why my boyfriend broke up with me. All I knew was that I was on top of a police cruiser.

I don’t remember much. I know that I wasn’t hurt but I had banged my head on the steering wheel. I couldn’t hear anything. Everything was muffled. Some woman saw what happened came over and tapped on my window.

I was so dazed I just looked at her.

She finally did the universal signal for ROLL DOWN YOUR WINDOW YOU JUST HIT A COP CAR.

She says, “You ok?”

My response “Huh?”

“You ok Sugar?” Pronounced Shooga

“Yeah I think so, Oh My GOD, what happened?”

“Well you ran smack dab into that nice police officer right there…”

At this point I attempt to reach for the door handle. I missed it three times because I was still looking straight ahead. I finally reach it and go to get out (Bronco’s are a little high up) and fell out of the car. My brain forgot to tell my knees to bend or work at all for that matter. I am laying on the hot pavement thinking to myself, I could just stay down here. That would be a good plan. Ok. Going to just stay here.

Eventually Officer Friendly came over (I say this with all respect he was one nice policeman considering all) He was off duty and had his 3 year old daughter in the car with him. I FREAKED OUT and sobbed on the concrete. Which was easy because I was still face down. He said “Noooo sweetie, we are fine!!” I informed him that I was so glad and so sorry and that I was a horrible person who didn’t deserve to have knees or something like that. There was a lot of blithering at that point.

Short story long, I hit a city policeman, so another one came to ticket me and do the paperwork. They couldn’t write the ticket so two county cops came. Nope, they can’t write the ticket either. Some sort of ordinance. So, two troopers came. So, We have one beat up Bronco II, a beat up city police car and a total of 5 more cop cars around lights sirens and all.

When my mom showed up as they towed away our ONLY family vehicle, my grandmother parked them in the parking lot across the street. When she saw how many lights and cops and the cars she opened the passenger side door…

And she fell out of the car.

*Names have been changed to protect future ex husbands. Oh, and no not the boyfriend but the friend I was looking for when I got into the wreck. I married “Pete” 9 years later. One would think that would have been a sign or omen…

This is just one of many fun tales of my youth. What was your right of passage? What incident of your youth made you realize that there is a big bad world out there? Or just feel free to share awkward scary stupid teenage stories…

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