Rushio and Hesitette: A Cautionary Tale

There once was an ordinary boy, who came upon an ordinary girl.

The boy was immediately captivated and set out to conquer her unknown territories. But the girl, ever a cautious sort, would not relinquish her most heavily guarded treasures all at once. The boy was confused with this creature that was so unlike him. Why wouldn’t she surrender?  Perhaps, he thought, she is not so impressed with the things I carry. He quickly began to hide them away where no one would ever find them.

Feeling lighter, he tried to scale her wall; she panicked and put up a new one, higher still. He decided that there must still be something about him that she could not accept.  More of him was cast aside. Then he knocked upon her gates, demanding entrance. She denied him yet again.

He impatiently waited while she hesitated.

He was about to turn away, but at last she reached out to him…holding just a tiny piece of herself as a trade offering. He reached back, and then recoiled, for he knew his hands were empty. He had locked it all away and now had nothing to give. The girl was interested in growing and he had cultivated naught. There was but an empty void inside of him.

Feeling like a warrior without a sword, the boy retreated, swearing he would never again try his hand at romance. And our damsel in distress sequestered herself to her tower wondering why love continually alludes her.

The door between…closed.

Complete surrender in a relationship creates a winner and a loser.  But neglecting to enter the game at all won’t yield results that are any better. Wouldn’t it be more fruitful to be on the same team, sharing the same goals?

When we are young we often have poetic notions of love swirling around our minds, like a Hollywood movie playing on repeat. It is idealistic and impractical, yet we seek it out just the same. But when we enter into a relationship with these idealist notions in mind, we often lose ourselves in an attempt to “become.” We cast aside our own vulnerable identities and try to be what we perceive to be our partners ideal, fearful that who we truly are might be too much…or not enough at all.

Perhaps the real gift we have to give lies in being brave enough to deeply discern and completely accept your partner; allowing them to be known … and then in return allowing yourself to be known as well.

Once upon a time a lover with a poet’s heart and a dreamer’s soul seemed ideal.  Then the morning came when you realized that all the pretty poems and soulful songs were never about you.  Your partner was waltzing around the room with their ego and you were playing house alone.

Well, I don’t have any desire to play house anymore.

We aren’t all pretty and perfect.  We have cracks, we have blemishes. We have flaws.  And to me, that is where our true beauty comes from.  I don’t want a perfect partner.  I want an authentic one.

To give of myself freely and fearlessly without expectation, to tap into my patience when I feel like being demanding, to be deliberate with my actions yet also know when my hesitation has become stagnation…these are things on which I am learning to build a relationship.

Reality might not always be romantic, and it may not always be gorgeous, but it’s genuine.

And that makes it the most beautiful thing in the world to me.

Welcome to experimental fiction Friday!  What can I say…I was in a mood. So tell me, fair people of the Internets…Are you more of a Rushio or a Hesitette?  Or perhaps you have this love thing down, and you can shed some light on the topic for the folks at home.  And what are you doing this weekend?  Tell me, so that I might live viccariously through you, since I will most likely be studying nonstop.

Really Close, or F-ing Gross?!

There is nothing quite like finding your own personal “better half.” Whirlwind sagas and sex without strings may be the stuff of Harlequin novels, but for me, an over 30-er who knows better, romance is a dish best served drama free. Communication, comfort and openness are quite sexy and satisfying. And they also lead to ridiculously satisfying sex…

But I digress.

So anyhow, you get to that point, where things just feel so safe and cozy and right…where you think life just couldn’t get better…and then it happens.

You’re on the phone with the one you love the most, and they utter three little words that will change your life together forever:

“I just pooped.”

“Uhhh, good for you?”

“No, I mean JUST now. While you were on the phone.”

“…”

Yes folks, there is such a thing as too close for comfort. I have witnessed it. I have lived it. And I don’t want to see it happen to you. So I am going to provide you with a list of five things that might just be taking that “I love that I can just be myself with you!” feeling too damn far.

• Deuces gone wild: I shouldn’t even have to say it guys, really. I don’t even want to HEAR the sound, much less watch the straining; I just won’t look at you (or your o-face) the same way anymore. Oh, and FYI, I don’t really need a blow by blow of the action once you come out of the bathroom either. To put it in context, do you want us to start talking about our bloody vaginae? Would you like to watch us change our tampons? I didn’t think so. Which reminds me… if any of you women are engaging in this behavior, well…I think we need to do an ovary check.

• The scratch and sniff: While everyone appreciates their partner making sure everything checks out alright “down there” before asking for some below the belt action, we don’t actually want to see the hand/crotch/nose action taking place; it is slightly off-putting. Because honestly, no one wants to feel like they are living in the primate exhibit at the local zoo… I don’t even let my dog sniff butts in front of me! So please, do your partner a favor and step into the bathroom to take a whiff, you know, like you used to do during the dating days. Its much more romantic-al that way.

• Cross over behavior: Women, your men should not be seeing you pluck or wax your errant hairs. And guys, your ladies don’t want to see you giving yourself a facial and a “pedi.” Now I think we can all agree that while we appreciate our partner taking care of these items on the hygiene to do list, we do not wish to be an audience to said list in action. I don’t think I could look at my man the same after witnessing him do the buff and blow on his perfectly manicured hands…and I KNOW he could not handle watching me go digging for golden ingrowns on my mini-stache. There are some gender roles that our psyches would prefer to leave as unblemished as our man’s (secretly) exfoliated pores.

• Oral Expectorations: Spiting, gargling, picking the teeth (and inspecting what you found, eww, people) and especially, ESPECIALLY tongue scraping. Okay, while I realize that most people may not engage in tongue scraping I had to include it for two reasons. One, all of you SHOULD be doing it, you cannot imaging the gunky nastiness your tongue is harboring, seriously. Which leads me to reason two for the mention; when all the gunky nastiness comes flying off said tongue, you want to be alone. I am 110% serious about this…blech.

• Going native: Sometimes we get sick, or hurt, or just feel really, really lazy. But that is no excuse for turning into the sloth that stole sanitation! I was sick last week, and the level of grossness I hit was so tremendous that I should be ashamed. ( I wasn’t, but I should have been.) Greasy, unkempt hair, old crusty sweats, unshaven, unwashed, unsanitary! But as I dug myself out of the used Kleenex den that my bed had become, I rejoiced in the fact that my boyfriend never saw any of it. I mean, I didn’t even want to look at MYSELF, thank god he didn’t have to. So please! Don’t subject your loved ones to levels of funk that high - showering, shaving, brushing of teeth, wearing of clean clothes - these are things that are NOT for the courtship phase alone.

I know what you are saying…he or she loves you enough to see you at your grossest. That may be true…but should they really HAVE to? While it may be difficult to find the time and space to do these things sans your significant other audience, it is most assuredly worth the effort. It’s hard enough to keep the romance alive…so don’t go plucking it out or flushing it down the toilet, okay gang?

This has been a public service announcement.

And now its time for group therapy! Have you been guilty of any of the above crimes against the laws of attraction? Or have you had some of these crimes committed against you? Or perhaps you would like to share on I left off the list with the group? Go on, get it off your chest, you’re in a safe place…

Oh, and would you like to see more 5 spots, in blog form? Those of you who watched the show understand and those of you that didn’t…suck! Hahahahaha….ehm.

Playing Relationship Risk

They say you hurt the ones you love, and when it comes to fighting I’d say whoever “they” are, they got it right. All may be fair in love and war…but there just isn’t anything at all fair about how two people who love each other engage in battle. We become monstrous versions of ourselves…more malicious, more vicious, and more heartless.

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Reading Lips

Soul meets soul on lovers’ lips. ~Percy Bysshe Shelley

We have done the dance all evening, clearly the attraction is mutual. I watch your lips move as you speak and wonder how they will feel against mine. The innocent touches we exchange are delightful and maddening all at once. Looking into your eyes across the table I see my desire mirrored back at me and I shudder with excitement. When at last the crucial moment arrives and we are alone at the bottom of my stairs, I gaze into your eyes and fear and anticipation mingle within me, almost causing me to lose my nerve. But I know I will not forgive myself easily if I let this moment pass, so I reach my hands up to your face, close my eyes and melt into the kiss I have been waiting for all night long. As it vibrates through my entire body, I am pleased with my decision.

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You’re making me crazy!

We’ve all been there…the moment a relationship goes sour and we suddenly feel as though we’re losing our grip on reality. Our once rational and logical thought process becomes so convoluted that we’d rather be committed to the loony bin than committed to our beloved.

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