Fetish-tastic!

Fetishes are a subject of endless fascination for me. The fact that there are people out there that get all jolly in their junk watching balloons pop or getting peed on, well, it makes me feel less self conscious about my occasional desire for a firm (ehm) hand.

Anyhow, there are all kinds of theories as to why people develop certain fetishes. Freud’s theory was somewhat amusing; he believed that sexual fetishes in men are the result of childhood trauma regarding castration anxiety. According to this theory, a boy curious to see his mother’s penis would avert his eyes in horror when he discovered there was no penis to be found. Whatever object the boy’s eyes next fell upon would become the fetishized object. As a sexual adult this very object would need to be present in order for the man to have orgasms. So what Freud, women can’t have fetishes?  Sexist bastard.

More modern theories include the relationship between human orgasms and conditioning, behavioral imprinting and super-stimulus, just to name a few. But that is not what you want to read about, right? You didn’t come to me for a psychology lesson did you?  (Good, because that pretty much concludes my knowledge on the why’s.) You’ve come to me for entertainment, yes? Well… I don’t like to disappoint, so here is a list of five fetishes I am fascinated-with:

Crushing Fetishism

With this fun lil’ fetish, folks become aroused watching inanimate objects, insects, or small animals get crushed beneath body parts. Uh huh, mouse smashing = sexy to these people. The most common body parts used are buttocks or feet. Okay, so first of all, why anyone would find smashing things with feet sexy is beyond me, the only thing I want crushed whilst engaging in sexual acts is my pelvis.  But really, what is it about watching a woman sit on fruit that gets some citizen’s hormones a-raging?  Personally I prefer my lemons cut in a wedge and floating in my vodka tonic…

Turning lemons into lemonade or sour(ing) grapes?  You decide.

Tickling Fetishism

These are people that love tickling so very much that they will take it instead of sex. Are you kidding me?! Now I loathe being tickled. Cannot stand it. If you dare do it, watch out, because as soon as I can breathe again I will come after you, most likely with a blunt object. But even if I didn’t detest it, being grabbed at, wrestled with, pinned down and teased till I am crying out doesn’t… wait. I might be changing my mind on this one…

No…I still hate it.

Is this supposed to be hot?  Because to me it looks like assault.

Used Panties Fetishism

People with this fetish say “mmmmmmmmm!” to used panties. Love to sniff em, play with em, shove them in their mouths, they at times even steal panties from women on the street. Now guys, I realize womens’ undergarments are pretty irresistible at times. But to knock women down on the street, rip off their drawers, and run up the street carrying them in your mouth like a damn dog? I cannot help but believe your mama didn’t raise you right!

Those look expensive, don’t do it, you ass!

Amputee Fetishism

This is the intense desire to have ones partner be an amputee. Sexy, right? Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that if you are an amputee you are unattractive. But to WANT your partner to be missing a limb, to get off on people who are missing limbs because of the fact that they are, or wanting your partner to pretend that they are disabled like that is just, well, a little whacked if you ask me.

Yes, I said whacked, what?

These are big in Japan…I shit you not.

Hair Fetishism

This one is focused around the smell and feel of hair. Enthusiasts like to put the hair in their mouth during sex, get smothered with it, grab it, masturbate with it and come into it. Okay…you can pull my hair, but chew on it? What are you, five? And jacking off with it, into it? That is not conducive to a stylish do, fellas. Well, what do you think…could I pull off dreadlocks?

Yeah, I don’t think so either.

Rawr! That’s just hot right there…right?

I know there are many more odd and interesting fetishes out there, I only had time to talk about a couple of my favorites.  So…anything to add?  What is the freakiest fetish you have ever heard of?  Do you have any of your own that you are brave enough to share?  Or perhaps you have a (ehm) friend who has a fetish?  Let us discuss the wonderful world o fetish in the comments below!

Caution - Freaky Approaching

“Why aren’t we more romantic?  Why don’t we make love on the beach?  Why don’t we have sex in the shower?  How can we spice up our sex life?”  No one wants a boring sex life.  That ’s when things can get monotonous and stale.  But before you break out the sex swings and the Bedroom Bingo make sure you are well informed.  It is all fun and games until someone loses a penis.

I am all for experimentation in the bedroom.  I encourage anyone and everyone to try new things.  Have fun.  Mix things up.  But there are some ideas that have been romanticized and frankly aren’t worth the amount of crap you are going to go through to reach this impossible sexual crescendo.

Myth 1 - Sex on the beach.

Makes a great shot if you are into those kinds of fruity drinks.  But the actual act of having sex on the beach is a nightmare.  I am going to throw some words out there for you.  Sand, shells, wind, night walkers, and the most important words no one should forget… Sand gnats.  Those little bastards will take your groove and eat it for dinner.  TRUST ME.

When you go to the beach you get sand in places you don’t even want to think about.  For example, your hair, fingernails oh and I almost forgot, your vagina.  I am all for exfoliation, but that is one place I can do without the grit.  In other words, unless you want to have sand in your whoo haa, gnat bites on your ass, windburn, and be walked by/in on by Snow birds then stay away from beach sex.  Because come to find out Fran and Sal Millhouse from Syosset, NY can be damned judgmental!  Friggin tourists. And one last tip…

Watch where you put your blanket.

Myth 2 - Shower sex.

We see it soft core on Cinemax, and sometimes hardcore in porn.  Two people soaped up writhing around moaning with pleasure…  Wet, passionate, hot sex while water cascades down each others bodies.

I call bullshit.

Someone is always in the back with no water freezing their ass off.  Come to find out, when water is introduced into the sexual equation (I love naughty math normally) lubrication becomes a serious issue.  And this also applies to pool sex.  And under NO circumstances are you allowed to use your hair conditioner as lube.  EVER.  I shouldn’t have to tell you guys this, but I have heard stories…

Myth 3 - Sex in a car

My last job was in a strip mall and I would go to the back on occasion to smoke.  Every day around 1′ish a couple would pull around the back of the complex, by the dumpsters no less, to meet up and get their freak on.  Needless to say I saw arms and legs hanging out of windows, saw the hazard lights come on, and I am pretty sure I kept hearing a BONK, which was her head against the door.

Where do I sign up?

I haven’t had sex in a car since I was in High School.  And there is a reason for that.  IT SUCKS.  Do you have sexual day dreams about making whoopy in a large Tupperware dish?  No?  How about in a 10x 12 box?  Then why do you want to have your man or woman pull over and sprain their groin trying to get on top?  Release the break, back up the seat, lean it back, let down the part between the trunk and the back seat…  Thanks but no thanks.  Maybe if you have an SUV this is an easier task (Reminds self to look into SUV’s and trade in my sedan for a brand new Sexual Utility Vehicle.)

So  the next time you decide to spice up your sex life, please refer back to this handy dandy post.  Only you can prevent crab bites, sand gnats, water logged fingers, and groin pulls. Did I forget anything? There has to be more awkward sexual romps gone wrong!

Have YOU ever had a bad sexual experience that was supposed to be the end all be all sexual tryst?  But maybe turned into a trip to the relationship counselor or to the ER??  Tell me your Stories.

The Magic Poon

Most recently, I was having a casual conversation with a group of men in my office. They were *gasp* gossiping about a certain NFL quarterback on the disabled list for an injury. Turns out, the 4-1-1 down low is that this man is not hurting from physical impairment. Hypothetically, let’s agree his knee is strained. What was funny to me is that his *cough* knee is not hurting as much as his cock. I mean, ego. Apparently, he is totally wigging out over a woman.

From what I learned, said quarterback had finally brought his long term love to the same city after enduring a long distance relationship for more than three years. My guess would be that this move was to migrate the relationship to the next level. What does this million dollar man get in return? Apparently, the pleasure of walking in and seeing his beloved doing the dirty with her drug dealer. Rumor has it she was riding on top of him with great fervor. Oh, joy!

Does it make any sense to you? Is this long term love just using him for his name, influence and ability to fund her drug habit? How, exactly, does one move a thousand miles and so quickly find a new dealer? I guess it would not be hard to do if you are tied to a local celebrity. Then again, perhaps I should kick my cynic to the curb and believe she really, really LOVES him. And her crack. Or something.

Amidst the sports talk, one of the men used the word “poon” to describe the QB’s injury. My forthright reply was, “wow, that must be some magic poon”. Once they retrieved their composure from laughing, we talked at length about the power of a magic poon. I asked several point blank questions. First, had they EVER known the power of a magic poon? I was not surprised to learn that each had known one in their lifetime. I was, however, surprised, to learn each had ONLY known one “magic poon”. There was NOT a second magic poon in any of their histories. It seems the Magic Poon and The Highlander share a trait in common: There can be only one.

Thus, comes the subject (lol…but only once) of the illustrious, magnificent and oh-so-rare Magic Poon. Of course, I naturally felt compelled to learn more. What made it magical? Was it a look, a feeling, a smell, an anomaly? Was it completely shaved (or waxed) with the essence of strawberry and mango? What? Damn it, I wanted to know! Alas, there were no concrete answers, only more questions. It was magic poon, period. Despite my intelligent questions and deliberate attempts to garner more information, I was left with magic poon. The best I could gather, the magic poons are entities to their own, seemingly unrelated to the women who own them. For all I know, every other woman has a poon reminiscent of raspberries or tastes like peaches. All other poons could be sweet and tasty, but they are NOT magical.

Oh, I called other male friends only to inquire as to the magic-ness of any poon in their history. Surely, those who know me well can speak more freely. NOT! Apparently, there seems to be an unspoken zipper on the lips of any male conversation regarding magic poon. It’s as if it’s a secret only known to men, never to be understood by the opposite (dare I suggest fairer) sex. I, for one, really want to know what makes those poons so magical!!! Perhaps the men do not understand, either. There was simply a time in their lives where some undefinable quality about a woman made them impossible to deny.

True to form, several of those male friends turned the question table on me. Have I ever known a magic cock? Well, I will freely admit that I have known a magic man or two in my day. Trust me, they did not taste like strawberries! The bigger factor is that I would not classify them as magical. What I have learned is that magical and wonderful are two totally different things.

Women seem to have a great lover or two in the past. Yes, we do have “that” guy who rocked our ever-loving-worlds and left a standard rarely met. We may even use several men to form the ideal man. If nowhere else, in the sanctity of our our minds. However, men seem to have one woman who rotated their tires in a new direction. It’s not necessarily the woman, or anything about her, it’s all about the magic energy in her panties. This woman owns a magic poon and most of the men who have ever been in or around the vicinity.

I want to learn more. I want to know what makes a poon magical. I want to know why men only seem to embrace one. Why is one enough?

Come on, guys, who was YOUR magic poon…and why? Or, if you have been the Magic Poon, tell us why! Let’s all share a bit of the magic!

Letting the naughty in

The tragedy is when you’ve got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs. ~D.H. Lawrence

I have a girlfriend with a personal situation that absolutely breaks my heart. No, she’s not abused, or sick or anything like that. Her problem is one that I myself have never had to face; she cannot orgasm. Now I hear all of you out there laughing at me for thinking this is a heartbreaking tale, but hear me out. Can you orgasm? You take it for granted, don’t you? Pretend for a moment that you couldn’t. Imagine if you had no idea what that sensation was like. Imagine wanting to experience it, craving it, having to listen to all your friends talk about it, and never getting to understand the power and magnificence of it for yourself. Pretty awful, am I right?

My friend doesn’t have a physical problem. She experiences arousal just fine. Sex does not cause her any pain. She has sexual fantasies as well, (although she is NOT open to talk about them, what am I, a pervert??!). So all of our conversations together have led me to believe that perhaps my friend is suffering from a little something I am dubbing “good girl” syndrome.

Here in the good old US of A we have a bit of a puritanical hang over. Many females are taught to focus on behaving in a respectful and decent manner. To always be demure. They were encouraged to be proper in actions and words. We are brought up to be ladies.

The trouble is some of them took it to the bedroom. They thought that was a place to be quiet and genteel as well. They were there to make love, soft and discreet. Romance novels and the Lifetime channel had given them all these preconceived notions of simply falling into the arms of a lover in a heap of post coital bliss.

But sadly, it does not work that way. Unless you won the sexual partner lottery and found yourself someone whose patience is great and whose sexual prowess is greater, you are in for some problems. Because your sexual power is yours to find and harness, not someone else’s. You need to find your inner “naughty girl”.

You know the naughty girl. The one that loves sex and isn’t afraid to tell you about it? She has no shame, and why should she? She is proud of who she is. These women embrace their sexuality and they have no interest in hiding away something that they take delight in. They are brave enough to not only voice their desires, but also to act upon it. They understand that having a sexual appetite is NORMAL and HEALTHY.

So why does the world so often seem to frown upon these women? I believe it has a lot to do with misconceptions and preconceived notions. But like most stereotypes, the following fall far short of accurate. No, these women are not prostitutes or sluts. They are not home-wreckers. They are not alcoholics or drug addicts. They are not women with low self-esteem who have trouble forming the word no. Those are all descriptions of women with emotional issues that they are attempting to fix through sex. Being “naughty” isn’t about being reckless or unsafe, demeaning yourself, or being indiscriminate.

When I say “naughty girl” I am talking about a woman who takes care of herself, ALL of herself, including her sexuality. Yes, she loves sex and she isn’t ashamed to say it. She is confident in herself. She is uninhibited. She asserts herself, in the bedroom and out of it. She takes the time to get to know her body, because she knows that is a crucial step. She goes for the orgasm!

So are you still listening to your inner good girl? Is she really doing you any good? Or is she holding you back? Tell me, what’s so good about being a good girl? I have trouble seeing the positive here. You are giving up your sexual power; you are suppressing your sexual appetite. You are cheating yourself.

So…ready for a change?

Repeat after me:

I will not fake orgasms anymore.

I will not be ashamed of my sexual appetite anymore.

I will not be afraid to masturbate anymore.

I will not allow my partner to always be the one to dictate if, when and how we have sex anymore.

I will not be afraid to voice what I want and need sexually anymore.

My sexual desires are normal and natural and mine!

So, ladies, the time to take control is upon you. Decide to take control tonight and seduce your lover. No lover? Seduce yourself! Pledge allegiance to your vibrators. Fall in love with your fingers all over again. Go for that orgasm!

Are you suffering from good girl syndrome or have you embraced your inner naughty girl? Do you have any suggestions on how to be less inhibited in bed? Men, do you prefer your women to be virginal or vivacious in bed?

Who gets to be on top?

I have touched on the subject sexual submission in a past piece, and I got a bit of grief for it. Okay, in actuality I got attacked. A certain special someone who shall remain anonymous (because frankly he doesn’t deserve your time or attention) actually told me that my interest in the subject was “sick and disturbing.” And this was coming from a man that enjoys sex with animals, but I digress…

So no, dominance and submission is not about degradation. It is not about finding pleasure in the infliction of brutality. Simply put, it is about one party letting go and giving up their power for pleasure. It’s about sharing, trust, openness and of course, unabashed sexuality.

So this got me to wondering about the general public’s view on the subject. Do most people see this as degrading? Immoral? Disturbing? And I realized that though I wrote about submission, I never really discussed the other side, dominance. And because I believe in balancing the equation and lets face it, I heart hate mail, here we are!

So firstly, what exactly does it mean to be the “dominant” in sexual terms? To put it in the simplest of terms a dominant is the partner who is given control in a consensual power exchange. The dominant is the party who sets the tone and controls all the activity. This partner has the duty of taking charge and maintaining it.

Many couples just naturally have a more dominant partner and more submissive one. The actual sexual practice known as D/s just takes this a step further. Sure, some mix in some other fantasies and fetishes with it, such as role playing, bondage, or even the oh-so taboo sadomasochism, but those really are add-ons.

So what is proper domination? It is a balancing act. He or she must be in tune with their submissive partner; paying attention to and feeding off of their sexual responses while still remaining actively in control. It is hard to give an accurate ‘how to’ when it comes to domination, for it is not only highly objective but it also has a lot to do with what both you and your partner’s preferences are. Sometimes it is about physical control, for others it is verbal. It can be about who decides the where, when’s and how’s, or it can involve more elaborate schemes. The only things that MUST be present are my three C’s:

1. Control
2. Communication
   
3. Caring

Keep these in mind and you and your partner should be just fine.

And now, for some comic relief to ease the (sexual) tension, here are several crucial characteristics of a talented and trustful dominant.

• You must be very self-aware. How are you going to get into the heart and soul of another if you do not know your own? You must know and be comfortable in your sexuality. And you must know your own limitation. If you aren’t comfortable having a girl at your feet crying “daddy, daddy, punish me!” best you know that ahead of time and make it clear to your partner.

• You must be able to retain self-control at all times. Oddly enough, if you aren’t maintaining control over self, you are going to fail miserably at maintaining control over another. You can also be quite dangerous if you cannot keep fantasy and reality straight within your own mind. A delusional whip-wielding man in my bed and me all tied up with nowhere to run? Me thinks not!

• You must have a sensual side. Pleasure is the point of all this. If everyone isn’t having a good time in the end, what’s the point? For example, a good spanking should be followed by a good rubdown. Because if you beat someone like a dog and then send them home without giving them a treat first chances are good you will not be seeing them again.

• You must study the craft. Any fool can pick up some rope and tell you they are into dominance and submission with bondage. But an excellent partner will educate themselves BEFORE they play. You should have knowledge of the various tools of whatever trade you are about to engage in, and also have some basic understanding of human anatomy if nothing else. Don’t learn that it is WRONG to flog someone in the kidney the hard way. Ouch…
  

• You must see your submissive partner as an equal. They are giving you a gift, that gift is power. Do not take that lightly. It does not mean that they do not have dignity and self-respect. Honor this person’s feelings and limitations at all times. And remember, when play time is over, you stand on even ground once more. No forcing your boyfriend to go to the store with you on a leash. Unless of course he likes that sort of thing.

Engaging in dominance and submission is not unlike engaging in any other sexual act with a consensual partner. Know when to push, and when to pull back. Do not get lost in your own fantasies and forget the living, breathing person lying/ kneeling/ strung up (ehm) before you. Be patient, get to know your partner, and strive to earn their trust, because that, more than the bondage ropes, is the tie that binds.

So what say you, friends and family o’ Eve? Should I feel bad about my love of being tossed around a bit in the bedroom? (Pssst…I totally don’t) How do you feel about dominance, submission, bondage, etc etc? How do you think it compares with bestiality? (Sorry, I had to ask…) And lastly, for those of you brave enough, I would love to know if you have a little of the old submissive or dominant in you! Share, please!

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