Letting the naughty in

The tragedy is when you’ve got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs. ~D.H. Lawrence

I have a girlfriend with a personal situation that absolutely breaks my heart. No, she’s not abused, or sick or anything like that. Her problem is one that I myself have never had to face; she cannot orgasm. Now I hear all of you out there laughing at me for thinking this is a heartbreaking tale, but hear me out. Can you orgasm? You take it for granted, don’t you? Pretend for a moment that you couldn’t. Imagine if you had no idea what that sensation was like. Imagine wanting to experience it, craving it, having to listen to all your friends talk about it, and never getting to understand the power and magnificence of it for yourself. Pretty awful, am I right?

My friend doesn’t have a physical problem. She experiences arousal just fine. Sex does not cause her any pain. She has sexual fantasies as well, (although she is NOT open to talk about them, what am I, a pervert??!). So all of our conversations together have led me to believe that perhaps my friend is suffering from a little something I am dubbing “good girl” syndrome.

Here in the good old US of A we have a bit of a puritanical hang over. Many females are taught to focus on behaving in a respectful and decent manner. To always be demure. They were encouraged to be proper in actions and words. We are brought up to be ladies.

The trouble is some of them took it to the bedroom. They thought that was a place to be quiet and genteel as well. They were there to make love, soft and discreet. Romance novels and the Lifetime channel had given them all these preconceived notions of simply falling into the arms of a lover in a heap of post coital bliss.

But sadly, it does not work that way. Unless you won the sexual partner lottery and found yourself someone whose patience is great and whose sexual prowess is greater, you are in for some problems. Because your sexual power is yours to find and harness, not someone else’s. You need to find your inner “naughty girl”.

You know the naughty girl. The one that loves sex and isn’t afraid to tell you about it? She has no shame, and why should she? She is proud of who she is. These women embrace their sexuality and they have no interest in hiding away something that they take delight in. They are brave enough to not only voice their desires, but also to act upon it. They understand that having a sexual appetite is NORMAL and HEALTHY.

So why does the world so often seem to frown upon these women? I believe it has a lot to do with misconceptions and preconceived notions. But like most stereotypes, the following fall far short of accurate. No, these women are not prostitutes or sluts. They are not home-wreckers. They are not alcoholics or drug addicts. They are not women with low self-esteem who have trouble forming the word no. Those are all descriptions of women with emotional issues that they are attempting to fix through sex. Being “naughty” isn’t about being reckless or unsafe, demeaning yourself, or being indiscriminate.

When I say “naughty girl” I am talking about a woman who takes care of herself, ALL of herself, including her sexuality. Yes, she loves sex and she isn’t ashamed to say it. She is confident in herself. She is uninhibited. She asserts herself, in the bedroom and out of it. She takes the time to get to know her body, because she knows that is a crucial step. She goes for the orgasm!

So are you still listening to your inner good girl? Is she really doing you any good? Or is she holding you back? Tell me, what’s so good about being a good girl? I have trouble seeing the positive here. You are giving up your sexual power; you are suppressing your sexual appetite. You are cheating yourself.

So…ready for a change?

Repeat after me:

I will not fake orgasms anymore.

I will not be ashamed of my sexual appetite anymore.

I will not be afraid to masturbate anymore.

I will not allow my partner to always be the one to dictate if, when and how we have sex anymore.

I will not be afraid to voice what I want and need sexually anymore.

My sexual desires are normal and natural and mine!

So, ladies, the time to take control is upon you. Decide to take control tonight and seduce your lover. No lover? Seduce yourself! Pledge allegiance to your vibrators. Fall in love with your fingers all over again. Go for that orgasm!

Are you suffering from good girl syndrome or have you embraced your inner naughty girl? Do you have any suggestions on how to be less inhibited in bed? Men, do you prefer your women to be virginal or vivacious in bed?

Who gets to be on top?

I have touched on the subject sexual submission in a past piece, and I got a bit of grief for it. Okay, in actuality I got attacked. A certain special someone who shall remain anonymous (because frankly he doesn’t deserve your time or attention) actually told me that my interest in the subject was “sick and disturbing.” And this was coming from a man that enjoys sex with animals, but I digress…

So no, dominance and submission is not about degradation. It is not about finding pleasure in the infliction of brutality. Simply put, it is about one party letting go and giving up their power for pleasure. It’s about sharing, trust, openness and of course, unabashed sexuality.

So this got me to wondering about the general public’s view on the subject. Do most people see this as degrading? Immoral? Disturbing? And I realized that though I wrote about submission, I never really discussed the other side, dominance. And because I believe in balancing the equation and lets face it, I heart hate mail, here we are!

So firstly, what exactly does it mean to be the “dominant” in sexual terms? To put it in the simplest of terms a dominant is the partner who is given control in a consensual power exchange. The dominant is the party who sets the tone and controls all the activity. This partner has the duty of taking charge and maintaining it.

Many couples just naturally have a more dominant partner and more submissive one. The actual sexual practice known as D/s just takes this a step further. Sure, some mix in some other fantasies and fetishes with it, such as role playing, bondage, or even the oh-so taboo sadomasochism, but those really are add-ons.

So what is proper domination? It is a balancing act. He or she must be in tune with their submissive partner; paying attention to and feeding off of their sexual responses while still remaining actively in control. It is hard to give an accurate ‘how to’ when it comes to domination, for it is not only highly objective but it also has a lot to do with what both you and your partner’s preferences are. Sometimes it is about physical control, for others it is verbal. It can be about who decides the where, when’s and how’s, or it can involve more elaborate schemes. The only things that MUST be present are my three C’s:

1. Control
2. Communication
   
3. Caring

Keep these in mind and you and your partner should be just fine.

And now, for some comic relief to ease the (sexual) tension, here are several crucial characteristics of a talented and trustful dominant.

• You must be very self-aware. How are you going to get into the heart and soul of another if you do not know your own? You must know and be comfortable in your sexuality. And you must know your own limitation. If you aren’t comfortable having a girl at your feet crying “daddy, daddy, punish me!” best you know that ahead of time and make it clear to your partner.

• You must be able to retain self-control at all times. Oddly enough, if you aren’t maintaining control over self, you are going to fail miserably at maintaining control over another. You can also be quite dangerous if you cannot keep fantasy and reality straight within your own mind. A delusional whip-wielding man in my bed and me all tied up with nowhere to run? Me thinks not!

• You must have a sensual side. Pleasure is the point of all this. If everyone isn’t having a good time in the end, what’s the point? For example, a good spanking should be followed by a good rubdown. Because if you beat someone like a dog and then send them home without giving them a treat first chances are good you will not be seeing them again.

• You must study the craft. Any fool can pick up some rope and tell you they are into dominance and submission with bondage. But an excellent partner will educate themselves BEFORE they play. You should have knowledge of the various tools of whatever trade you are about to engage in, and also have some basic understanding of human anatomy if nothing else. Don’t learn that it is WRONG to flog someone in the kidney the hard way. Ouch…
  

• You must see your submissive partner as an equal. They are giving you a gift, that gift is power. Do not take that lightly. It does not mean that they do not have dignity and self-respect. Honor this person’s feelings and limitations at all times. And remember, when play time is over, you stand on even ground once more. No forcing your boyfriend to go to the store with you on a leash. Unless of course he likes that sort of thing.

Engaging in dominance and submission is not unlike engaging in any other sexual act with a consensual partner. Know when to push, and when to pull back. Do not get lost in your own fantasies and forget the living, breathing person lying/ kneeling/ strung up (ehm) before you. Be patient, get to know your partner, and strive to earn their trust, because that, more than the bondage ropes, is the tie that binds.

So what say you, friends and family o’ Eve? Should I feel bad about my love of being tossed around a bit in the bedroom? (Pssst…I totally don’t) How do you feel about dominance, submission, bondage, etc etc? How do you think it compares with bestiality? (Sorry, I had to ask…) And lastly, for those of you brave enough, I would love to know if you have a little of the old submissive or dominant in you! Share, please!

Mommy Needs New Toys!!!

Two months ago, I planned to treat myself to some new personal goodies after my house closed. It was my self-inflicted promise to be good to myself. Despite the fact I enjoy being the nurturing giver I am at my core, I often fall short in giving myself what I need or desire. Quite frankly, someone or something else is invariably more important on my priority list. Any woman knows this dilemma, especially those of us who are mothers or serve as a caregiver to others in any capacity.

Every now and again, we have to step back and realize we own all of our actions. We own our lack of action, as well. From time to time, we must put ourselves first. It is a fine line, yes? The line between self-preservation and being purely selfish.

As my life tends to work, my kiddos inadvertently reminded me of that very promise last week. We were talking of buying my little girl her own Pink Nintendo DS for her impending Sixth Birthday. I don’t know exactly how the conversation turned, but the gist was “Mommy, you never buy yourself any toys!”

Well, then, let’s just be sure to fix that problem! After all, I did make myself the promise. I had visions of orgasmic goodness during Orgasmathon ‘08. I recanted the story of how the only toy I have bought myself in recent years was a small *cough* massager intended to be used for sore shoulders. It is small, battery-operated and has three nubby prongs on it. Let’s just say it can do wonders with AAA batteries! The only sexually-related toys I ever owned were purchased more than a decade ago by my now ex-husband. They have long since lost their vibrating goodness, too.

I will be the first to admit that I needed these past five years to come full circle with my own views and needs. There seemed to be a Scarlet “V” associated with masturbatory pleasures when coupled with anything silicone, plastic or glass. While I would agree that men tend to fear what they do not understand, I think women are just as guilty of it. In particular, I was guilty of it.

Why should I care what anyone thinks at the adult store? We have a wonderful one here in Nashville. However, it is located in a part of town where I am liable to see anyone as I enter or exit. Maybe I’m too old fashioned in some ways, I don’t know. I just know I would much prefer to enter and exit there with a friend. I think it would be more fun. I know I would feel like a kid in a candy store. To me, it is oh-so-fun to share candy.

For this treat to myself, I shopped in the privacy of my own home. Let me just say that visiting www.tootimid.com was a big treat to myself. Pure. Utter. Joy.

It was also very confusing to know what to buy. I did feel like a kid in an online candy store! A grown-up kid with a Visa Check Card, absolutely zero will power and an insatiable appetite for the veritable cornucopia of options for my sexual table. Suffice it to say, I spent the equivalent of what I would spend taking friends for sushi and drinks. I also spent another $20 to have an ample supply of Duracells in two different sizes. Afterall, toys without batteries are not nearly as much fun. Thanks to my kiddos for teaching me that lesson, too. Be prepared!!!

Mommy has a present coming via the UPS man today. Despite the fact my UPS guy is hotter than a firecracker on the Fourth of July, he will not be personally delivering any of my explosions.

NoSiree, *giggle*, Bob. Mommy will be taking care of those all on her own.

To make myself feel truly at peace with my purchases, I did need to choose a place to store my own personal Toy Store. This is my new treasure and I must protect it from innocent eyes and others who may be not-so-innocent in my bedroom in the future. I looked at the top shelf of my closet and decided it was the perfect place. I took one of my linen-lined baskets and have determined that is where my orgasms, I mean toys, will reside.

Welcome to heaven!

Every mom should have a happy shelf. And this mom, I go “top shelf”, all the way! Mmmmmmm…margeritas and mahem. Maybe a play date, too!!!

What was your first visit like to an adult store? What was your favorite purchase? Where do you store your happy toys? Come on, I really want to know!

Pollsb.com created a poll especially for this post!  Go over and give it a vote when you have a chance by clicking here!

What’s In Your Sock Drawer?

So earlier in the week, I was feeling quite sentimental. My plan was to hijack your Saturday with a weepy post, designed to make you leave comments speculating on my lack of hormonal balance. Luckily for you, all that has changed and it has veered itself down a very different path. One that involves closing the shutters, making sure no one is home and adjusting the volume on the speakers. That’s right kids; I’m talking about the PORN.

How did I go from thinking deeply to Deep Penetrations Volume II? Well, you can thank the 50 something self-described ‘Cougar’ I met at my local digs for this one.

She was swilling booze and flirting endlessly with the 21 year old bartender she kept calling ‘Eli’ (his name is Keith?); despite the fact she kept raving about how she had the ‘best boyfriend in the world’. Turns out she and her fellow feline companion had a bone to pick, so to speak, about the evils of Pornography. Which surprised me, considering how sexually enlightened she was pretending to be.

Her position, and the only one I want to ever find her in, is that Porn is a replacement for intimacy. You cannot be truly intimate with your partner if you engage in viewing any sort of Pornography. Not only can it destroy, or rather ‘decimate’, (her word) a relationship, it takes away all sense of trust. She does not discriminate in terms of time spent viewing, hard core v. soft core, whether it’s a magazine, movie or online. It is all so repulsive to her that she ended her rant with, ahem…

‘I would never date a man who looked at Porn, and I never will!’

First of all, I recognize there are varying degrees of Porn consumption. I’m not talking about an individual with some sort of Porn Addiction here…that’s different, and like any other compulsive behavior it could absolutely ruin a relationship.

Let me tell you a little something about my Porn collection…I don’t have one. I did own a Porno once, but it was a 23^rd Birthday present from a male roommate. He told me he was going out for milk, and came back with an Amateur Video wrapped in cartoon dick and balls wrapping paper. True story and Best.Roommate.Ever!!

While I don’t have a secret compartment in my closet, it doesn’t mean I live Porn free. Just like when someone tries to swear they don’t masturbate (pffft!), I have a hard time believing anyone who tells me they aren’t watching some Porn, sometime, somewhere. I have even more difficulty with the notion that this ‘Superman’, Cougar calls her boyfriend has a clean slate. After all, he isn’t dating an aging schoolmarm who sits at home playing Solitare. He’s paired with a woman holding herself up by the bar, throwing back 3 bottles of red wine on a Monday night and wearing hussy boots. Have I painted an accurate picture?

Secondly, Porn is NOT a replacement for intimacy. The words sex and intimacy always get thrown into the same Relationship Bucket and I don’t like it. There is of course sexual or physical intimacy with your partner, but true emotional intimacy has nothing to do with outside forces, and has even less to do with sex. It’s about the way you have developed your relationship with one another, what makes you both vulnerable and strong. Knowing someone through enough shared experiences to guess their next step, and then guiding them there.

It certainly has nothing to do with a magazine my boyfriend might have stuffed in his sock drawer.

Which by the way, I could care less about. We are visual creatures by nature. I said ‘we’, not ‘men’ because I consider myself to be just as visually minded as the next guy. It isn’t simply a hazardous male trait to want to look at something pleasing to the eye in order to satisfy the genitals. If you’ve ever watched bad porn, you know damn well you rolled up your sleeves and went on a hunt for a better one. Just me?

I don’t need Porn in my life, but I’m not ashamed to look at it. She might be a Cougar, but I’m no Kitty Cat. I have a little thing called the Internet and I’m not afraid to use it, people.

Now you…care to share your Porn consumption? Would you give it up cold turkey for your partner, or be appalled if you found it in your lover’s den? Do you think the Cougar just hasn’t gotten properly throttled?

How to make a sexual sundae…

Welcome to “He said, She said”, where we take a common question or topic and see if members of the opposite sex can get on the same page, or if they’ll have to agree to disagree.

Today’s Topic: One partner likes their sex simple, the other with a side of kink…can they both find satisfaction in their sex life?

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