Caution - Freaky Approaching
October 15, 2008 · Print This Article
“Why aren’t we more romantic? Why don’t we make love on the beach? Why don’t we have sex in the shower? How can we spice up our sex life?” No one wants a boring sex life. That ’s when things can get monotonous and stale. But before you break out the sex swings and the Bedroom Bingo make sure you are well informed. It is all fun and games until someone loses a penis.
I am all for experimentation in the bedroom. I encourage anyone and everyone to try new things. Have fun. Mix things up. But there are some ideas that have been romanticized and frankly aren’t worth the amount of crap you are going to go through to reach this impossible sexual crescendo.
Myth 1 - Sex on the beach.
Makes a great shot if you are into those kinds of fruity drinks. But the actual act of having sex on the beach is a nightmare. I am going to throw some words out there for you. Sand, shells, wind, night walkers, and the most important words no one should forget… Sand gnats. Those little bastards will take your groove and eat it for dinner. TRUST ME.
When you go to the beach you get sand in places you don’t even want to think about. For example, your hair, fingernails oh and I almost forgot, your vagina. I am all for exfoliation, but that is one place I can do without the grit. In other words, unless you want to have sand in your whoo haa, gnat bites on your ass, windburn, and be walked by/in on by Snow birds then stay away from beach sex. Because come to find out Fran and Sal Millhouse from Syosset, NY can be damned judgmental! Friggin tourists. And one last tip…
Watch where you put your blanket.
Myth 2 - Shower sex.
We see it soft core on Cinemax, and sometimes hardcore in porn. Two people soaped up writhing around moaning with pleasure… Wet, passionate, hot sex while water cascades down each others bodies.
I call bullshit.
Someone is always in the back with no water freezing their ass off. Come to find out, when water is introduced into the sexual equation (I love naughty math normally) lubrication becomes a serious issue. And this also applies to pool sex. And under NO circumstances are you allowed to use your hair conditioner as lube. EVER. I shouldn’t have to tell you guys this, but I have heard stories…
Myth 3 - Sex in a car
My last job was in a strip mall and I would go to the back on occasion to smoke. Every day around 1′ish a couple would pull around the back of the complex, by the dumpsters no less, to meet up and get their freak on. Needless to say I saw arms and legs hanging out of windows, saw the hazard lights come on, and I am pretty sure I kept hearing a BONK, which was her head against the door.
Where do I sign up?
I haven’t had sex in a car since I was in High School. And there is a reason for that. IT SUCKS. Do you have sexual day dreams about making whoopy in a large Tupperware dish? No? How about in a 10x 12 box? Then why do you want to have your man or woman pull over and sprain their groin trying to get on top? Release the break, back up the seat, lean it back, let down the part between the trunk and the back seat… Thanks but no thanks. Maybe if you have an SUV this is an easier task (Reminds self to look into SUV’s and trade in my sedan for a brand new Sexual Utility Vehicle.)
So the next time you decide to spice up your sex life, please refer back to this handy dandy post. Only you can prevent crab bites, sand gnats, water logged fingers, and groin pulls. Did I forget anything? There has to be more awkward sexual romps gone wrong!
Have YOU ever had a bad sexual experience that was supposed to be the end all be all sexual tryst? But maybe turned into a trip to the relationship counselor or to the ER?? Tell me your Stories.
and thank you!
On 10/15/08 at 3:33 am
lisaq said:
Ummm…I have to add that soap, liquid or bar, does not work as a lube either though my ex thought it was…ugh. Just say NO! There are plenty of other ways to spice up the ole’ sex life my friends!
On 10/15/08 at 7:58 am
Sarahh said:
So odd, I commented back and it disappeared!
But I totally agree. Soap and the vageen don’t mix for long periods of time.
I would also like to add the following shouldn’t be used as lube..
Cooking oil
Cooking spray
WD-40
Lard
I have heard stories, luckily none of my own and this only ends in INFECTION.
Beware folks. Beware…
On 10/15/08 at 12:12 pm
troy said:
I luv shower sex SO much that I buy the lube that says ’stays slick under water’. there is nothing sexier than seeing a girl all wet and steamy. I also get to make a mess more often (which I also love to do) because its so easy to clean up.
On 10/15/08 at 12:32 pm
Sarahh said:
It seems it is unanimous everyone digs the clean factor. I respect that. And I agree it is one of the perks. But I have found that with pool sex constant water causes lack of lube. It is just…wet.
Does that make any sense??
On 10/15/08 at 1:08 pm
troy said:
yes it does, and it applies to the hot tub too.
kids: stick to oral in the hot tub.
On 10/15/08 at 2:53 pm
Sarahh said:
The more you know (insert music here)
On 10/15/08 at 3:02 pm
troy said:
you also get that chilly feeling on your naughty parts- its like combining ice cubes and hotness!
who loves it as much as me!
On 10/15/08 at 4:25 am
Vic said:
You take all the fun out of it, you know. Just once I’d like to be the one doing the whipping or laughing at pointing at you all strung up to the bed in handcuffs. Why’s it always me?
Why can’t I throw bologna at your ass?
On 10/15/08 at 7:58 am
Sarahh said:
Don’t make me find the ball gag…
Ok, Ok, you can throw pastrami at my ass next time. Jeez…
On 10/15/08 at 6:05 am
Cassie said:
OK–this is pretty funny…I found a book in Barnes and Noble one day that had me in STITCHES from laughing so hard. Yeah, the ‘older’ set frowned upon this, but the book was damn funny! SERIOUSLY
What was the name of the book, you might ask……Carma Sutra…..it gave ideas for having car sex…EVEN BROKE IT DOWN MY CAR MODEL!!!! hahahahahahaha
hopefully the pic will show up.
Just thought I’d share that little tidbit, for those that might care!!! LOL
On 10/15/08 at 7:59 am
Sarahh said:
NO WAY! Hahahaha… Wonder how the Corolla would do. The seats in the back go down.
BONUS!
On 10/15/08 at 7:02 am
Meghan said:
Sexual Utility Vehicle…love it.
Car sex was all the rage in college when I didn’t want to bother my roommate…or face her in the morning!
I think the shower can be great foreplay, but unless you have one of those MTV CRIBS showers that encircles you in hot water and has benches it’s no good.
On 10/15/08 at 9:35 am
Sarahh said:
My shower couldn’t be more than 6 foot long. And maybe 4 feet wide. It can be done! But what can be done is somewhat liberating.
I don’t want to deter anyone from getting freaky, just wanted to give everyone a heads up that these trysts can be tricky.
I think if it is spontaneous, it can’t be wrong…
Unless that crab shows up.
On 10/15/08 at 7:12 am
Karri said:
A roadside romp in an SUV sounds like fun and good times until you realize that it’s not your head knocking on the window, but an officer of the law!
On 10/15/08 at 9:33 am
Sarahh said:
That has to be so embarrassing for EVERYONE involved. What do you get a ticket for that sort of thing? Are policeman just roaming around looking for “Don’t come a knocking if the corolla is rocking” folks?
I must say, SUV, Sedan, Compact, I do dig spontaneity.
On 10/15/08 at 10:07 am
Meghan said:
HOLY CRAP…true car story.
Making out and petting for like an hour with boyfriend Senior year in H.S.
He had just taken his shirt off, lost mine a half hour before and suddenly the flashlight is shining on us from the Police Car. I was scared shitless because I had snuck out of my house as it was…
Cop said we had to leave, there was a boyscout troop about 50 feet from our car trying to earn some camping badge and we were in plain sight of them. They called the cops on us! I was so embarrassed!!
On 10/15/08 at 11:42 am
Karri said:
Same story just substitute boyscouts for priest. Who woulda’ thought the church parking lot wasn’t a safe place to park?
On 10/15/08 at 12:28 pm
Sarahh said:
Car sex in front of a funeral home. Oh and in an Escort.
Just sayin.
And no it wasn’t before during or after a funeral. I swear.
On 10/15/08 at 12:52 pm
Karri said:
A funeral home? No you didn’t!
You win!
On 10/15/08 at 2:54 pm
Sarahh said:
I would like to thank my Junior year boyfriend. For without him this wouldn’t be possible…
*Sniff*
I wanna thank my mom for giving me a later curfew because it was Valentines day…
Oh yeah, funeral home sex ON VALENTINES DAY
On 10/15/08 at 3:12 pm
Karri said:
Oh.
WOW!
I’m totally going to plead the fifth and just let you enjoy being the queen of inappropriate car sexin’!
I’ll order your sash and crown tomorrow.
On 10/15/08 at 7:23 am
Carol said:
*sigh* Brought back (surprisingly sexy and positive) memories of my Sexual Utility Vehicle. ALMOST made me miss the Explorer. Then, reality hits and the cost of gas makes that a much less attractive option.
Golf courses are good. That’s all I’m saying!
On 10/15/08 at 9:32 am
Sarahh said:
Ok, you can’t just throw Golf Courses out there and not give some juicy tid bit of info!
Sounds hot though.
On 10/15/08 at 8:29 am
big jason said:
guess i’m lucky because beach, shower and pool have all been aces… for both parties and not just once either
On 10/15/08 at 9:31 am
Sarahh said:
Wow, really? Are there any tricks to these trysts we should know about?
Curious!
On 10/15/08 at 10:20 am
Shawn said:
Sex on the Beach=Girl on Top. And use a blanket or other barrier. Can’t help with the gawkers, though. ;P
I enjoy showers, but for practical reasons, I usually stick to foreplay. (Height differences make any stand-up nookie awkward.) There is nothing like bathing your lover to make them feel pampered.
On 10/15/08 at 12:29 pm
Sarahh said:
I have one word for your comment.
Aw!
On 10/15/08 at 10:29 am
Tori said:
I get enough sand in my crack just GOING to the beach. I’m not even tempted to bring sex into it. Pass.
I have had sex in a car, but I’m waaay too old for that shit - and after I got caught when I was 19, I got over it really fast. The only time I’ve done it since was in the back of a huuuuge SUV, so there was room, but it still wasn’t great on my knees. At least we were at the top of Mt. Evans, so there was no chance of getting caught.
As for shower sex, though, I have to disagree with you. I just bend over, stand on my toes, and hold the faucet and it’s good times. I. Love. Shower. Sex. Especially because the cleanup is much, much easier, and I can say “come on me” without ending up all sticky. Shit, come in my hair - I’m getting ready to wash it anyway.
On 10/15/08 at 12:30 pm
Sarahh said:
You make many valid points. I think I am thinking about a small shower. One that is hard to maneuver. aka Mine. I would be scared if I grabbed the faucet they would fall off then there would be geysers. And not the good kind.
But you make it sound HOTT!
On 10/15/08 at 12:12 pm
troy said:
car sex: gotta have a convertable, then there is plenty of room. even if you are parked in your garage, getting it on in new places will *always* be sexy!
On 10/15/08 at 12:29 pm
Sarahh said:
You know, I have to tell ya, that sounds fabulous!
Top down, fresh air, bucket seats. See, this is what I am talking about folks, INFORMATION is KEY!
And hey as long as the car isn’t running I hereby approve garage sex.
On 10/15/08 at 1:09 pm
troy said:
I still got my jeep
On 10/15/08 at 2:55 pm
Sarahh said:
Backseat of my jeep. Bwahahaha…
I swear that was one of my favorite songs back in Junior year. wow.
i.am.old.
On 10/15/08 at 3:01 pm
troy said:
no worries- I remember that too.
On 10/15/08 at 1:16 pm
pecosa said:
Beach sex is just a no unless you’ve got at least two blankets.
I love shower sex, but the height difference always takes a toll on my thighs.
As for car sex, no thanks. too uncomfortable, even in an SUV.
On 10/15/08 at 2:56 pm
Sarahh said:
Two blankets and a mosquito net! Hey, camping sex. That sounds fun. Minus the bears that is…
Shower sex can go either way…
I say screw car sex, pun intended, and go for Motel 6 sex in a pinch. Hey, we are adults, take advantage!
On 10/15/08 at 2:21 pm
MikeC said:
I had sex in a car once. That didn’t go as well as I would have hoped for. It was pouring rain outside. We got in the backseat and started the act. But then a couple of redneck pickup trucks pulled to the side. I got in the driver seat and went away. Damn rednecks. No free show here.
On 10/15/08 at 2:58 pm
Sarahh said:
You had rubberneckin rednecks!
On 10/15/08 at 3:54 pm
Redorkulated said:
There’s been good car sex and car sex with a gear shifter in my back, which was still good sex. I’ll just vote for the larger vehicles.
Shower sex is awesome, you can always pop a leg up on the edge of the tub and put your hands on the wall above the faucet. That way you both get hot water.
Airplane sex can be done right too, even with the confined spaces. It’s all about the angle, and the proper one allows you both to see what’s going on! It totally increases the hotness factor.
There are so many good places to have non-bedroom sex!
On 10/16/08 at 9:01 am
Sarahh said:
Mile high club vetran huh? FABULOUS! That is something I would like to try. And you make it sound hotter than I had even imagined!
On 10/15/08 at 4:03 pm
E said:
Done all three of those, but none was quite so unpleasant as getting EATEN FUCKING ALIVE by sand flies. Those bites didn’t go away for months. Ugh. Another “overrated in my book” is having sex standing up. Unless you’re of a similar height, you’re just going to pull something.
On 10/16/08 at 9:03 am
Sarahh said:
Not sure what sand flies are specifically. I know about sand gnats but your sand insects sound much scarier!
I am with you on Sex Standing up. wait… hahahaha
I remember watching Road house and thinking yeah, it is nothing like that AT ALL!
On 10/22/08 at 7:55 am
Biscuit said:
My reply to height differentials: those fat phone books are good for something! Especially great for kitchen counter sex.
Some of my most memorable sex has been in the front of a toyota tacoma. Sure it was uncomfortable. Sure my knees hurt for a few days. But it was worth it.
Also great: forest sex. Those downed trees are really handy. Just make sure you bear proof your food beforehand so you can keep your mind on the act at hand.
If you are very cautious, you can avoid the internal exfoliation that is so common with beach sex. Save the sand for your shoes in the post-coital walk back to the cottage. And make sure you both jump in the ocean afterward–so good! A bonding experience because both of you are awkward and have to concentrate on not sandifying your pink parts. The other option, of course, is to sneak up onto the deck of an unoccupied rental cottage at the seaside and get it on there. Oh so risky! And risque!
On 10/15/08 at 5:51 pm
Matty said:
What is this “sex” activity you keep referring to? It’s been so long I am re-virginated.
On 10/16/08 at 9:03 am
Sarahh said:
Hey virgin sex can be hot too right??
On 10/16/08 at 5:12 am
Fiona said:
With the beach issue you forgot the sand burn, like rug burn, but with little bitty particles in it. Forget the snow birds, can we say beach patrol? I know someone who was caught by a bunch of kids on summer sea turtle watch.
You forgot the ocean. Waves, lack of lubrication, salt water up your nose, cold, sand EVERYWHERE and, if you’re dumb enough to do it doggy in the shallows, that frikken sand burn again.
On 10/16/08 at 9:04 am
Sarahh said:
Oooooooooh sand burn. NOTED! It was always a blanket situation where I was in bottom stance. But OW!!
On 10/16/08 at 6:59 am
liss said:
um, i must admit, i like the thought of getting caught, so many years ago during a rangers play off game in the madison square garden men’s room, um, 2 security officers knocked on the door and one peeped over and wanted to arrest us for indecent exposure, lmao while i write this, they told me to leave and as i walk out with my head down in my chanel suit i felt like white trash while my bf at the time had to deal with a good cop/bad cop for 2 hours……..ah the good ole days
On 10/16/08 at 9:06 am
Sarahh said:
Oh My Gawd, that is hysterical!!! And you still like the thought of getting caught? I agree though, there is something exciting about doing the deed while watching over your shoulder…
Madison Square Garden bathroom sex in Chanel.
LOVE IT.
On 10/19/08 at 11:26 am
Missygail said:
When I first met my would be ex-father-in-law. He told my would be ex-husband that if we decided to do it in the shower he was going to have to get a stool to stand on because I was long legged…
If we tried shower sex, I usually froze my ass off and it would end up on the floor of the bathroom ewwww, which was even more cramped than the car. Plus afterward my hair was extra frizzy cause I wasn’t able to rinse and repeat.