Crossroads at The Cross?
February 28, 2008 · Print This Article
Welcome to “He said, She said,” where we take a common question or topic and see if members of the opposite sex can get on the same page, or if they’ll have to agree to disagree. Today’s topic:
Can a couple be successful when they don’t share the same religious beliefs?
He Said:
Can a man and woman of different religions have any shot and long term success? Is love truly all you need? Differing belief systems has been a source of enormous heartache for couples, especially in recent times. If it’s not the holidays, it may be the dissenting parents. Where do you go on Sunday mornings? The church or the temple? If a couple has children, in which tradition shall they be raised? It’s a modern day dating conundrum but there may be a healthy way of approaching your challenges.
Your partner’s questionable religious affiliation is not entirely their fault, so gentleness is advised in your points of contention. Generally, faith in the Divine has been spoon-fed to young minds by parents and religious teachers. As young children, many have no choice with regards to religious affiliation, so they just go along with the program. But as the great Avatars of the world’s religions clearly emulate, we need to be tolerant of the fact that one’s faith in God primarily dictates what is right and wrong and governs every facet of life - including who you marry/date.
As it follows a man or woman may doubt that the person of their dreams may not be right for his or her life. Shall we listen to our hearts, or religious upbringing?
Can you be successful if your beliefs differ? Of course you can, but it will take patience and the ability to empathically communicate with your partner. It comes down to a willingness to accept your significant other completely and unconditionally. If your mate is truly living their faith, they will love you deeply and respect your beliefs. You have an amazing opportunity to view your relationship as place where you can learn from one another, especially with regards to faith in God. Your soul can be nourished from the unification of your belief systems and as a result, you may find that your spiritual paths are more similar then you think.
When you arrive at the understanding that your partner’s spiritual path is uniquely their own, you can allow them to live their life, free from judgment. That is true love. If your partner seeks to convert or chastise you, contemplate if that person will allow you the freedom to be yourself in other aspects of life. With regards to your children, why not show them both paths and let them decide when they are old enough to make the choice for themselves? If you seek to understand your partner’s beliefs in the spirit of communicating love and wisdom, you may find the principles and values of your religions are fundamentally the same.
I do believe love is all you need. Openness and acceptance are inherent aspects of true, unconditional love. When choosing a potential life partner, if these traits are present, the odds are in your favor, no matter to whom you pray at night.
Meanwhile, I will be praying for you. You’re gonna need it.
She Said:
Can a relationship work if a couple doesn’t share the same beliefs? Sure. However, I wholeheartedly believe that if two people share the same religious or spiritual beliefs they have the ability to experience a connection on a much deeper level than those who don’t. “Belief” is unique unto each and every one of us, and when those fundamental principals are shared and understood by our loved ones it has the ability to strengthen the trust and love for one another exponentially.
When two people form a relationship they should always retain their individuality and sense of self. That being said, even when opposites attract, it is crucial to have a mutual foundation in which the two can rely on to sustain them during their difficult and turbulent times. Having common religious or spiritual beliefs enables couples to lean on a source stronger than themselves when one or both of them become weak.
As someone who had gone thirty plus years in a state of God illiteracy, (having been kicked out of Sunday school and never returning to any organized religious affiliation on a regular basis) I had zero concept of the potential that lied in sharing the belief of a higher power with someone I loved. Blissfully ignorant I embarked on a journey of Christianity, embracing his religion as my own. Church every Sunday, Bible study, support groups, recovery groups and even baptism. Perhaps turning my life over to God was a bit misguided; perhaps my intentions weren’t as pure as they should have been, nonetheless the bond that was created due to our lifestyle only stood to strengthen our unity.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
That bit of scripture would lend one to think that love is all we need… it’s not! Nor is having faith in a higher power enough to make a relationship last. Relationships are the simplest yet most complex endeavor any of us will ever experience. The ingredients needed to create a lifetime of unified success are long and constantly changing. Unfortunately, the odds are that most of us will fail more often than we will succeed. Therefore, wouldn’t it be nice to have a back-up support system more powerful, and dare I say almighty, than we are just to help us find a little balance?
Our He Said guest writer, Johhny D is a hero to many, has saved countless lives and souls, and often ponders the reality of this lifetime while strumming his guitar and watching the weather channel.
What do you think…
Is it possible for couples to win at love when their Gods are at war?
On 02/28/08 at 7:56 am
PrincessQ said:
Because of my faith, and the way I view religion, I have no problem being with a partner who has a different faith. In fact, I don’t think it’ll ever become a problem unless there is a child involved.
I was taught that faith is between a person and whatever entity they pray to…I have no right to judge the extent of a person’s faith and as long as their rituals (No cat sacrifices please!!!) do not fundamentally clash with mine…
Love and faith can work together.
On 02/28/08 at 8:41 am
Karri said:
I was hoping I’d see your pretty…errr..shadow here.
I absolutely agree that a couple with different faiths can get along, but wouldn’t it be spectacular if you shared in the same traditions and fundamental principals?
On 02/28/08 at 8:52 am
PrincessQ said:
Well, I think what’s overlooked is that the fundamental principal of all religions is for the person to have a good heart, be good to others and to be faithful. As far as the traditions…who says that you can’t share with their traditions?
With my partner, I know that we’d be close to each other that we would partake in traditions that we could…I might not celebrate Christmas but I could still help him decorate the tree, etc.
On 02/28/08 at 2:20 pm
Karri said:
I mean absolutely no offense by this, but decorating a tree doesn’t mean that you would be fully experiencing the true meaning of Christmas the way a Christian partner would.
We most certainly are able to grasp the concept of another’s beliefs, but unless we’re practicing the same principals it’s only theory not reality.
On 02/28/08 at 8:11 am
PJ said:
I’ve seen it work with my own eyes. Mostly with my friends, I’ve seen the invention of a new mixed Holiday experience where a Menorah can peacefully coexist with a Christmas tree. What’s harder to overcome, in my opinion, is when one partner is vested in some sort of a belief structure, while the other just gets by on life as it is.
On 02/28/08 at 8:45 am
Karri said:
“What’s harder to overcome, in my opinion, is when one partner is vested in some sort of a belief structure, while the other just gets by on life as it is.”
Excellent point, PJ. Although I think a great majority of this world is content with status quo… never taking the time to expand their horizons or explore the potentials that exist in faith, religion or even pizza toppings.
On 02/28/08 at 8:21 am
Cassie said:
My mother’s parents are proof that is can work. He’s STRICT Baptist, she is a STRICT Catholic and they have been married now for over 60 years!!!
On 02/28/08 at 8:48 am
Karri said:
Where do I send the flowers?
Seriously.
That’s not only an amazing feat, but a true testament to how much our society has changed over the years. I doubt very many people in our generation will ever be seeing their golden anniversary, religious differences or not.
On 02/28/08 at 8:51 am
Justice said:
McSweetie is such a blessing in my life. He’s completely open with the faith and beliefs that are mine and wants to learn as much as he can about me and my ’stuff’. I am so thankful that he was the first guy that I happened upon because my beliefs could have been a SERIOUS issue for me with other people. I mean….how many guys can you say “I see dead people” to and not have them run screaming PSYCHO in the opposite direction…..He is truly a gift.
On 02/28/08 at 8:59 am
Karri said:
HAHAHAHAAAA!!!
I hear ya sista’. I just recently asked, “do you think I’m a freak?” Thankfully, the answer was “not because of that.” HA!
I remember asking my Mom to stop telling people about her gifts. Now, I am so grateful that she passed a few of them on to me. And quite frankly if someone can’t “get it” I can’t have them in my life.
I’m happy to see you’ve made your way over…thank you!!!
On 02/28/08 at 9:35 am
Vincent Truman said:
A moderately interesting question, the answer to which is a fairly common-sense ‘yes’. If there is a ‘no’ argument out there, as I’m sure there is, it would be from a source that would likely advocate racial segregation or pine for the days when women couldn’t vote. If there is a god, his or her divine will would not or should not advocate division.
While the common-sense answer is ‘yes’, that leaves only niggling points like ‘is love all we need?’ I dispute what I presume to be Kerri’s take on it.
Right after citing possibly the most accurate definition of love ever written (”Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud”, etc.), she goes on to say that it’s not enough. However, while one can pontificate on all of the sea changes that send relationships into uncharted waters, it is that love - that selflessness, that respect, that trust - that enables a couple to navigate again towards peace. And I’d go one step further by suggesting a couple would be better served sharing chores over sharing a god in order to make it work.
On 02/28/08 at 1:41 pm
Karri said:
One would think it’s common sense, however let’s take a look at the paradox that surrounds God, the bible and oh, how about…Catholicism. In the first instance we have 1 Corinthians 13:8 which I’ve referred to. An excerpt that states “love never fails”, and advocates all that love should be. Yet conversely, as even stated by Joe’s comment below, the Catholic church will not perform interfaith marriages in it’s churches. Hypocrisy at its finest, wouldn’t you say? So to me, that’s not advocating love and unity, but rather promoting segregation.
Sadly, love does fail…it is not always enough! And experience has proved to me that couples who share a similar religious/spiritual foundation have a stronger bond than those who don’t. That’s not to say that those who differ can’t make it work long term, I’m simply stating that those who are united in one more facet of their lives have an edge over those who don’t. Removing religion from the topic, it’s liken to a couple who enjoys playing racquetball, snow skiing or yes, even doing chores together…it’s a commonality that brings them closer.
On 02/28/08 at 9:37 am
Sarahh said:
Vic is Jewish I am nada. I do wonder if at some point down the road it becomes more than just a speed bump, but for now we are just cruising through and so far all is well.
On 02/28/08 at 1:45 pm
Karri said:
Sarahh, I’d venture to say that’s because you and Vic share a mutual respect for one another’s differences and accept your individual choices.
Well done!
On 02/28/08 at 10:40 am
Joe said:
When I announced to my parents that I was going to marry my girlfriend who was a Lutheran, they were beside themselves and asked me not to tell any of my Grandparents until after the wedding. My wife chose to convert to Catholicism rather than cause a family feud and because the Catholic Church would not marry us unless she converted and promised to raise our children as Catholics. Since that time, I have grown more and more agnostic, if not atheistic. My intelligence (I make assumptions), has freed me from the stifling bonds of religion. My wife and I have been married for 20 years in October, have six great children and we are without religious beliefs. Our marriage and partnership is successful because, over time, we threw religion out the window. Is our marriage perfect? By all means - no, but at least we don’t have dogma telling us how to live our lives and raise our children.
On 02/28/08 at 1:50 pm
Karri said:
First of all, Congrats! You two are the success story that we all long for. I have to wonder if your mutual choice to “throw religion out the window” in some way created your own belief system? I truly appreciate that the two of you are united and living by your own rules!
On 02/28/08 at 1:37 pm
Carol said:
I have seen mixed marriages/relationships work in all aspects. Faith, background, race, etc. To me, it is more a reflection of the two individuals attempting to meld together.
I think it’s far more about acceptance, tolerance, understanding a desire to embrace the other (fully) than it is about the actual “difference”. Basically, not just “love”, but a truly apape-type, genuine love between two individuals which makes or breaks the melding.
On 02/28/08 at 2:07 pm
Karri said:
I will be the first to sign up for dating/marrying someone my complete opposite, I revel in the differences. That being said, if I’m not practicing another’s beliefs or vice-versa we are only able to speculate rather than fully share the experience.
Have I lost my mind…again?
On 02/29/08 at 4:09 am
Carol said:
No more than say….I don’t know. Let’s say a partner is all into eating insects. YOu can respect it, ask questions and embrace that unique-ness without sticking a cockroach in your mouth.
We are not meant to share every single detail and the FULL experience. Atleast, I don’t think so. Perhaps we are just meant to attempt to share…to grow and to learn. If any man did “my experience” only…he is no longer doing is own.
I make sense in my 102 degree head.
On 02/28/08 at 11:43 pm
Chris said:
I always liked the beginning of that chapter (1 Corinthians 13)…
.
“1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.”
.
“…7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
.
“8 Love never ends;…”
On 02/29/08 at 12:08 am
Ryan said:
A buddy of mine, who’s marriage is failing, is going through this very problem. Consulting a bible and a third party Christian, we’ve found that you have to be of the same faith to spend eternity together. (Not sure of the exact text.) However that became null and void when they took their vows……a good Christian woman should stand by her husband. (Again, not sure of exact text.) Things are further hampered because my buddy is an athiest, and we athiests burn in eternal fires for blasphemy.(Mark 3:29) “All this is why you shouldn’t ask the Jehovah’s Witnesses out when they knock on your door!”
On 03/1/08 at 1:08 am
Mr. Geres said:
I am currently in a relationship with a woman who was raised in the Buddhist faith, and I was raised as Lutheran (Protestant Christian). Even before I met her, I have concluded, through much contemplation, that all humans are flesh and blood. It is human nature to try to comprehend that which is incomprehensible, and in doing so apply an identity (or qualities if you will) to the incomprehensible that lends to the human’s satisfaction. It is only natural that different humans will identify the incomprehensible on their own terms. It is only natural that many humans will find it easier to identify with those that are already “satisfied” so to speak, rather than truly question the incomprehensible “starting from square one.” With all due respect, variety of religion is nothing more than variety of human satisfaction.
As such I choose to accept ALL religions as my own, even those which my human brain may never have a chance to comprehend (which makes me sad, in a way, that I cannot exist long enough to have a complete understanding of all permutations). Unfortunately, many who adhere to one religion find it difficult to accept this notion. It is human nature to seek validity through exclusiveness (regardless of degree), and there is no denying that religion has always been promoted by humans.
We are most recently able to physically experience true global awareness of humans. Since the dawn of human existance, many humans have and will deny others, almost all humans have and will accept others to a degree of their own choosing, and literally a handful (throughout time as humans define it) will succeed in refusing to be bound by human nature (even “success” is a human defined notion).
I realize that I may strive to refuse to be bound by human nature, but the reality is that I am still human. So as long as I strive to the best of my ability to refuse my human nature, I believe that I can be tolerant and understanding of others. I believe a strong relationship is forged above religious differences, differences in traditions, and differences of opinion. However, others will forge relationships based on similarities of religious beliefs, of tradition, and of opinion (and I cannot judge this to be any less righteous than my own belief).
Therefore I seek out a partner (or partners as the future may hold) who does not deny my belief system (note that I did not say “accept”), and I choose to experience life alongside them without resistance to their human qualities.
Oh yeah, it helps if they’re a good cook too. ;D
On 03/4/08 at 11:58 am
Country Girl said:
I’m caught in the middle of this right now. This guy I really like has problems with my religion. We’re both very strong in our faith and respect that in the other person but he can’t seem to get over the differences (though there aren’t that many in my opinion) Sigh, he’s confused, and dragging me into that mindset with every opportunity.