Ding Dong Doormat
August 21, 2008 · Print This Article
Dear Eve,
Why is it that relationships are never equal? You have to admit, men do a lot more things for women than they do for men - dinner, massages, gifts, emotional support, romantic gestures…etc. Women never buy a man something without expecting something bigger in return. Are men supposed to accept that women will never be able to love us unconditionally and with the same desire we have for you?
Hopelessly,
Reamed by Relationships
Dear Reamed,
Bitter, party of one…your table is ready. Dude, are you serious? Of all the questions that we’ve received here at Eve-101 yours has truly got to be one of the most ludicrous! The simple notion that women are unable to love men unconditionally and equally goes against the very grain of logic and reason. Women nurture by nature, we couldn’t avoid it if we wanted to. And I absolutely do not have to admit that your statement is true, as a matter of fact, your asinine opinions are making my hair hurt!
Listen brainiac, if you feel as though you’re giving more than you’re getting perhaps you need to take into consideration your actions versus those you mingle with. If you’re the only one participating in a relationship, well then, it’s not really a relationship is it? Is it possible that you’re the guy who will leach on to every woman you meet until you smother the very life out of her? Or are you the one who offers up kind gestures subconsciously expecting that she’ll do the same? If you want to keep score, I recommend picking up a game of hoop with the boys and forgoing the relationship hatch marks.
Now, granted, there are women (and men too) who are nothing more than opportunistic scavengers who’ll take what they can get and leave you high and dry. But, to make such a broad statement that all women fall into the “unequal” category simply proves your narrow minded thought process and probable limited experience. So let’s play a little game, shall we? Why don’t you start by making a list of personal traits from your last 3 relationships…once you find the common denominator it should be rather easy to steer clear of those that you’re attracting whom are causing you so much pain and misery. Next, I’d highly suggest that you do something about that attitude of yours…it really is unflattering and more than likely the root cause of your disenchantment.
If introspection and self-awareness are too complicated, perhaps you should embrace your love of all things masculine and switch teams. No? Well then, if you require a woman in your life to fulfill your unmet needs try communicating more and blaming less. Take responsibility for your own actions, quit whining like a little pansy ass and don’t be a doormat. People will only take advantage of you if you let them!
Are you a giver or a taker? Do you tip the scales in your favor or balance them equally? Should Reamed remain hopeless or simply change his modus operandi?
On 08/21/08 at 2:57 am
Vic said:
Yes. YES! Preach it, sista! Relationships are a two-way street. The fact is that the very nature of people is to push the envelope of whay they cam get away with, defining their boundaries by the definitions and limits set by the other people in their relationships. This is true not only in romantic relationships, but in parent-child relationships, work roles, friendships… as long as there are interpersonal interactions, there will be some sort of external limitation placed that will help define the scope of it.
Granted, some people are inherently insensitive asshole donors, but rejecting them and their actions lets them know that a) such behavior is unacceptable, and b)if they choose to engage in an interpersonal exchange with you they must change it, or they can simply hit the fucking road.
Can we all say, “misogynist” together?
On 08/21/08 at 3:55 am
Meghan said:
Misogynist!
On 08/21/08 at 5:48 am
Sarahh said:
Misogynist Together!
On 08/21/08 at 6:06 am
Karri said:
Massengill, what?
On 08/21/08 at 6:07 am
Svaha said:
aaaaahhhhhh, simpatico. There’s a REALationship right there!
On 08/21/08 at 6:26 am
Karri said:
AWWWWWWWE!!!
(Out loud and everything)
On 08/21/08 at 6:07 am
Cassie said:
I’d yell with y’all, but…
#1 I don’t know what it means and
#2 I don’t know how to pronounce it!!!
lol
On 08/21/08 at 6:27 am
Karri said:
Here ya go, love…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misogyny
On 08/21/08 at 6:29 am
Carol said:
“MISS”…and in you miss me and the kiddos though you were just here last month
“ODGE”…like Dodge…how you dodge being serious, whenever possible
“OH”….as in, you know, OH MY GAWD, YES, YES!!!!
“NIST”….yeah,I got nothing. Mist with an “n”.
And, yes, I know you totally do know how to say it…but this was a fun way to make you giggle.
On 08/21/08 at 7:07 am
Vic said:
Please note the quotation marks, dear…
On 08/21/08 at 2:53 pm
Sarahh said:
Pppppfffbt.
On 08/21/08 at 6:06 am
Karri said:
“Asshole donors”…I like it! I hope you don’t mind if I borrow it.
My assumption would be that Mr. Reamed is continually having his overbearing advances denied, therefore he’s turned into this ugly little woman hating parasite. Sad for him.
On 08/21/08 at 7:09 am
Vic said:
You know, when you try and buy random poonanny with over priced gifts, you’re bound to become a jaded turd. I don’t have to buy the pootie… I just wave my penis and they come running.
On 08/21/08 at 8:03 am
Karri said:
Mmmmm…ya, I can’t say that I’ve ever tried to buy random poonanny, but I’ll take your word for it.
On 08/21/08 at 8:35 am
Vic said:
What I mean is, you should woo someone with your personality, not high-dollar retail items.
On 08/21/08 at 8:55 am
Karri said:
I concur!
I dated that guy once…we don’t talk about him. But I did send the girl who came after me a pair of Nike’s. I wonder if she got the not so subtle hint.
On 08/21/08 at 9:49 am
Vic said:
That he’s not a Reebok fan?
On 08/21/08 at 10:03 am
Karri said:
HA! They were actually for her…maybe I should have included a note.
C’est la vie.
On 08/21/08 at 12:51 pm
Vic said:
La vie. Wha? You said to say it…
On 08/21/08 at 3:35 am
lisaq said:
Amen Eve! Dude seriously needs to get over himself! He’s obviously attracting those who are going to walk all over him. Not to mention he’s just whiny which means, if like attracts like, he’s attracting whiny. Ewww!!!
We should give out of love without expectation of receiving anything. That’s when giving comes from the right place and that’s when it’s reciprocated.
On 08/21/08 at 6:09 am
Karri said:
You’re absolutely right.
Personally, the more I’m “expected” or “bullied” into doing something, the less I’ll do.
On 08/21/08 at 3:55 am
Meghan said:
Well. Okay then, Reamed. Your point has been heard, and duly noted. I could wait to give my opinion until after both your testicles descend, but I don’t have that kind of time this morning.
You can play the victim all you want in a ‘relationship’, but true satisfaction is never going to come to anyone who walks in with this self programming. Nobody can walk all over you if you are standing upright, ya damn dirty ape.
Relationships are not a competition, at least not if they are meant to be lasting, successful or fulfilling.
There is no clause in the book of unconditional love that requires you to register your relationship at the local Mall.
On 08/21/08 at 6:15 am
Karri said:
HAAHA! “ya damn dirty ape.”
Oh, Meghan, that was priceless!
I suspect there’s a woman out there who’s carrying the simian’s testies around in her purse.
On 08/21/08 at 6:25 am
Carol said:
*giggle* I seem to recall a conversation about sauteed “man in a pan”….I wonder how testicles would taste with a nice garlic sauce and vienna *cough* sausages!
On 08/21/08 at 6:29 am
Karri said:
Rocky Mountain Oysters man style?
Okay, eeeewwww! I haven’t had enough coffee for that visual.
On 08/21/08 at 6:30 am
Carol said:
I need more coffee, too. Oddly, I am hungry with all this talk of sauteed man parts. Maybe I’m just hungry for man parts?
On 08/21/08 at 6:41 am
Karri said:
I don’t want to talk about it! I don’t even remember the last time I had a side dish much less an entire entree’. *sigh*
On 08/21/08 at 7:02 am
Cassie said:
HERE, HERE!!!
No….SERIOUSLY…..HERE!!! hahahahahah
On 08/21/08 at 5:01 am
cassie said:
“Women nurture by nature, we couldn’t avoid it if we wanted to.”<—-Are we ABSOLUTELY sure about this fact? lol
Just asking!!
AND I think this guy needs to just leave the ‘golddigger’ type alone and he’ll be OK.
On 08/21/08 at 6:23 am
Karri said:
I’m not buying it, sista. You’re a puppy Mommy and an Auntie…nurturing comes with those job titles whether you like it or not. Sorry!
On 08/21/08 at 7:03 am
Cassie said:
OH—I wasn’t talking about ME….I know I’m a good nurturer (that kinda sounds dirty), but I know a few women………
On 08/21/08 at 8:05 am
Karri said:
Do you mean the ice princesses? They probably weren’t that way until they crossed paths with someone like Mr. Bitter up there.
On 08/21/08 at 12:43 pm
Trista said:
I respectfully disagree with you, my lovely co-conspirator.
I have seen women reject their babies, and women who have no ability to connect with others emotionally. I have seen women who simply don’t like children or animals. And these women have had nothing happen in their lives to scar them, so to speak. This “we HAVE TO nurture thing” does not apply across the board.
On the flip side, I have seen many a “damaged” woman that does not turn into a cold bitch, far from it. Guarded, sure, sometimes. But not icy…not if the right person comes along. Perhaps I take offense at the term because it has been applied to me so many times by lousy romantic partners. I was perfectly capable of opening up…I just had to find the right partner.
I don’t know that I buy into these generic gender roles as much as the average person might. I have seen many a nurturing man, and many a non-nurturing female.
Which is why I believe the unbalanced relationship happens to men AND women like you said. Because some PEOPLE (not men or women) are just that way.
Say it together kids: “sociopath!”
Just my thoughts.
I missed you guys today…it’s been a long one…and it ain’t over yet…
On 08/21/08 at 6:36 pm
Chris said:
<==== bows
On 08/21/08 at 5:40 am
kiki said:
I too was going to say something along the lines of have your balls dropped, Reamed. Good grief. If you want a more equal relationship, start acting like a man and less like a wuss. Women will respect you more and treat you better.
On 08/21/08 at 6:25 am
Karri said:
Thanks for bringing up the all important R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
Without it, we gots nothin’. And very few of us will ever respect a doormat!
On 08/21/08 at 5:53 am
Sarahh said:
“Are men supposed to accept that women will never be able to love us unconditionally and with the same desire we have for you?”
1. What kind of women are you dating? That is the first question that you may want to ask yourself. Because if they have left you with this bitter badditude then perhaps you should go for another kind of gal??
2. That comment is insulting and very vague to throw upon all of womankind. It is difficult to form more of an opinion one way or the other since you didn’t say what caused this opinion of yours to form.
On 08/21/08 at 6:33 am
Karri said:
I wholeheartedly agree, Sarah. He’s obviously formed some very bad habits pertaining to those he’s seeking/attracting and the situation won’t change until he becomes aware of who/what they are.
I too was vehemently insulted! It wasn’t as if he said, “this gal” or “a few I’ve dated” he just lumped all the crap into one steaming pile of shit. Me no likey!
On 08/21/08 at 7:12 am
Vic said:
His hookers don’t have a heart of gold? Imagine that!
On 08/21/08 at 8:06 am
Karri said:
C’mon, Vic. Hookers have feelings too.
On 08/21/08 at 8:37 am
Vic said:
I know they do. That’s why they charge extra for the backdoor action.
On 08/21/08 at 8:58 am
Karri said:
Let’s not forget the new rage in prostitution…”The Girlfriend Experience.” Damnittohell! That should’ve been my advice.
On 08/21/08 at 9:49 am
Vic said:
That’s not exactly a “new” rage, you know…
On 08/21/08 at 9:56 am
Karri said:
Really? I feel so out of the loop!
On 08/21/08 at 2:55 pm
Sarahh said:
I just don’t know if that is a loop I wanna be in.
On 08/21/08 at 3:21 pm
Sarahh said:
Loops and handcuffs definitely cost more…
On 08/21/08 at 3:23 pm
Vic said:
Oops! That was me above!!!
On 08/21/08 at 5:58 am
Carol said:
This is 2008, right? Just checking.
If Reamed projects these beliefs into his actions the way he clearly projectile vomits them in his letter….no wonder he is creating the situation.
On 08/21/08 at 6:37 am
Karri said:
I had the same thought. There’s a reason Leave it to Beaver was cancelled!
On 08/21/08 at 6:42 am
Carol said:
*snort* always a way to bring it back to being about the Beaver!!!!
I am soooooo bad today! The irony is that I can’t recall the last relationship where I didn’t insist on meeting half the financial obligations….even when I was unemployed! And never mind cooking, spoiling and the other stuff I ENJOY doing for the right person. Poor, poor Reamed…he will never know the joy because he cock blocks himself!!!
On 08/21/08 at 6:48 am
Karri said:
If I had a nickle for every dollar I’ve spent on a man, I’d be a rich-rich girl! Sure, there’s been a few moments of post Mont Blanc regret, but I’ve never, ever purchased a gift with the expectation that I’d be receiving something bigger and better. That’s just retarded!
And YES, you’re spot on…”he cock blocks himself!”
On 08/21/08 at 9:10 am
Meghan said:
If I had a nickle for every dollar I spent on a man I would stand in front of a full length mirror and pelt my reflection…
‘What.Was.I.Thinking.?’
I only expect give and get in one situation and it ain’t something that goes around my neck.
Enter the Pearl Necklace Jokes…
On 08/21/08 at 9:45 am
Karri said:
You were thinking “I really adore this person and therefore I will be kind and generous, because that’s just the kind of gal I am” and there is abso-freakin’-lutely nothing wrong with that!
On 08/21/08 at 9:51 am
Meghan said:
Just being snarky…
I am a very generous person, and it comes from a genuine place.
Once you start doling bits of yourself out for selfish reasons, (i.e. - this is really about me getting something in return and I am going to hold it over your head until I gets mine!) then you’ve already lost.
On 08/21/08 at 10:09 am
Karri said:
I have such a difficult time wrapping my mind around selfish behavior. I know it exists, but I just don’t get it!
On 08/21/08 at 6:31 am
Jody said:
omg i can’t even form a real comment to this garbage (apologies) it smarts all too well of some guys i’ve known claiming this tripe when it’s been the woman giving more of herself than she should and the man walking all over her claiming ‘if she loved him then she’d… demanding more and more of her and never feeling fulfilled himself because he was so full of emotional/spiritual trash.
i better not go further with this or it’ll turn into a personal tirade/rant and it is SO the wrong time of the month for me to start in on that shit. (apologies again)
On 08/21/08 at 6:44 am
Karri said:
Don’t you ever apologize for a rant…we love ‘em!
I heard a brilliant statement from a man yesterday regarding this topic. “We’re selfish bastards, anytime we do something it feels like we’re doing everything.” (I paraphrased, but you get the idea.)
On 08/21/08 at 8:06 am
Missygail said:
Oy! Can I ream ‘Reamed’? I don’t know where his dating pool is coming from, but it’s not from any women I know. Perhaps he’s the type that dates way out of his league and gets crapped on as a result.
.
I’ve given so much of myself in relationships. I’ve purchased a pair of pants for a man I was dating who swore he couldn’t find a good pair of jeans in his size (he was 6′8″). I bought them with not though of getting something in return, I knew where I could get him some good jeans and he needed them… I pay attention to shit like that!
.
When I was married my husband had to force me to spend money on myself cause I was always buying things for him or the kids.
.
I’d love to met a man who’d throw some cash around for me. I’d probably faint! Massages? I definitely give more than I get in that area… I’m great at massages and the men I’ve met usually half-ass it.
.
This dude needs to check back into reality. Grrr!
On 08/21/08 at 9:10 am
Karri said:
Ream away, girl!
We all give and we all take, it’s that simple. Giving however, should never be done in an effort to control someone’s behavior. There’s an underlying issue there that runs much deeper than someone dating out of their league.
On 08/21/08 at 8:18 am
Cap'n Nina said:
*hissspitbitescratch* If I knew who this man was, I’d slap him side-ways and backwards so many times he wouldn’t know who he was. Nothing ticks me off more than something like this. Most of the time, if a man takes out the trash, he equates that to cleaning the whole damn house. Just washing their underwear should count as taking out the trash five times. Geez…let me at him.
On 08/21/08 at 9:16 am
Karri said:
HAHHAAAA! Go get ‘em girl!
I’m all about equality…he cooks, I’ll clean. He mows the lawn, I’ll clean the house. But all be damned if I’m going to wash someone’s underoos. I didn’t wear them, so I’m not washing them. On the flip side I wouldn’t expect him to hand wash my dainties.
On 08/21/08 at 8:20 am
Trunks Kirshner said:
“People can only take advantage of you if you let them”
.
All too true - I’ve had one of those relationships - I think a mutual relationship should be right up there with the big things like communication, loyalty, and trust.
.
Certainly when you love (or even like) someone you will do things for them altruistically as an illustration of your feelings for them; however, there are times when we seek some degree of reciprocity.
.
If there’s no degree of mutuality then you’re just allowing yourself to be usurped - and as stated above, ‘if only one person is participating it isn’t really a relationship - and only **you** can allow yourself to be used’. I happy to say I’ve put that behind me.
On 08/21/08 at 9:19 am
Karri said:
Reciprocation is a key component to every REAL-ationship. Without it, we have nothing.
I too am happy that you’ve put that behind you. Way to go, kiddo!
On 08/21/08 at 8:27 am
Tori said:
For awhile, Dylan and I were pretty equal about buying things for each other, but mine were more along the lines of “I saw this and thought you’d really like it.” His were usually “We’re at Walmart, just put your stuff with mine and I’ll get it.” Toward the end though, I was definitely giving more. I always bought food, always gave him massages, etc. I never expected anything in return, but eventually it got to the point where I was literally getting NOTHING back. And then he showed his gratitude by going behind my back with some other girl and then dumping me for her.
It’s not just men who get screwed over in relationships. Most people have been fucked over a time or two. Reamed needs to realize that it’s the *people* he’s dating, not their gender, that’s causing his problem.
On 08/21/08 at 8:38 am
Vic said:
Yup.
Ed Zachary!
On 08/21/08 at 9:06 am
Tori said:
Who?
On 08/21/08 at 9:07 am
Meghan said:
Exactly! lol
On 08/21/08 at 9:21 am
Karri said:
WAIT. WHAT?
End?
Cheating?
Dumping?
On 08/21/08 at 9:29 am
Tori said:
Yeah, the end. I’m ok now, I suppose. He’s finally talking to me like an adult, not a pissy little boy, so that makes me feel better.