Dirty, Dirty Divorcee’

You know what I am tired of? The damaged goods label that comes with being a divorced woman.

Ummm…unless you’ve been living in a monastery, you (yeah, you…you know who you are…) most likely have fallen victim to an emotionally scarring or two of your own, pal. Just because you haven’t walked the isle yet doesn’t mean you aren’t slugging around your own ghosts from relationships past.

Hrumph! Apparently I have some unresolved feelings on the subject. Thanks for giving me a place to vent, love!

‘Divorced’ is NOT a dirty word. No stigma attached here, and hopefully my editor recognizes my commanding joke was just that…jest.

I did suggest our networking site could use a ‘You Should Be So Lucky’ category…and that part I stick by! Even for us who never signed any vows.

Ive dated the ‘divorced’ the ’single parent’ the ‘widower’ in fact… and I considered none of them damaged goods. We are beyond our circumstances, often better for our past choices, and always individuals with our own stories to tell.

We learn and grow from our experiences. Without the experiences gained from my divorces I damn sure wouldn’t be the person I am today…and I kinda like me. In fact, I like me much better today than ever before. A divorce isn’t a sign of a failed relationship. Rather it is a relationship learning experience. Now I know why I attracted the assclowns that I did, I know what I want and what I can do to make the next relationship a resounding success. It’s not about failure; it’s about growth.

never been married, so don’t know anything about divorce…other than seeing friends and family go through it.

I think that most don’t like to admit they are divorced b/c it can be construed as a ‘failure’ type thing. Also, in my experience, divorce people are a bit more guarded and don’t tend to ‘lay it all out there’ when it comes to future relationships (This is JUST from the people I KNOW, who are divorced and dating).

I have a 100% curable solution to the divorce epidemic….don’t get married in the first place!! LOL

How can someone expect you to mean “for better or worse, until death do us part” if you’ve already bailed on the vow before? Men understand the financial stakes - marriage may be expensive, but divorce will cost them a fortune.

The problem of being divorced is somewhat related to why men and women often prefer younger partners.

Picture a youth blithely pondering what he/she wishes to do with their life. The real opportunities mingle freely with the remains of fairy tales and dreams of bliss. As life progresses, attention turns to focus on some interests, some compromise and adaptation is made to reach goals, to accommodate treasured dreams and companions - loved ones.

Now consider another, that stumbles into a bad situation, and ends up facing harsh reality, or even the ugliness of what they might do in the face of dire or persistent threat of harm.

Consider the divorced as combat veterans in the realm of marriage. Their choices in where they are able and allowed to go are constrained by how life has shaped them. Most carry baggage and healed (and not-so-healed) wounds. They have often learned to use weapons unthinkable to those that haven’t “faced the kraken” - lawyers, and hurtful words, and leveraging family ties.

In many ways divorce, and the marriage that led to it, is a trial by fire. The problems that a divorced adult faces are similar, in a limited way, to those of military veterans - civilians haven’t faced the trauma, haven’t learned the skills, that allowed survival.

They don’t understand the needs and effects of those changed by their trial by fire. They find the resulting warrior uncomfortable in non-combat settings. They fear the intensity and ferocity that the divorced have found access to.

Everyone growing up develops a list of ‘warning flag’ and ‘gotta have’ notes about what to worry about and what to hold out for in looking for a partner. With each relationship that ends, these lists get updated. Self defense and the reality of survival often sharpen how closely the divorcee relies on the warning flags - completely bewildering those that don’t find those particular flags as alarming or even important.

Surviving a marriage often includes the ability to sacrifice self, comfort, self-respect at times to get past a danger or conflict. Those that haven’t faced tearing through their illusions may recoil in disgust. As in, changing diapers, accepting broken nights out, or choosing arguments (and learning that the absence of an argument may not be support or agreement). Or facing disrespect or other mental or physical abuse.

And all this without getting into the older stereotypes of chastity before marriage - so that divorce turns a sexually active woman “loose” in a community. And this was true, in a way, for men also - the divorced man may not have been shunned, but fathers actively avoided letting them near their (chaste!) unescorted daughters and wives.

This blog hit a nerve with me a couple different levels. First off, I do NOT consider being divorced a badge of honor, that is just wrong. Being divorced is just something that is, a fact of each individual’s life/reality for whatever reason it happened.

Now, I did check myself off as divorced on a network site, when it first happened, then after I had a two year relationship that ended, I questioned, do I mark divorced or single? I ended up choosing single, since I moved on, so should that label too.

The damaged goods, I find offensive, I had said to me once, and it floored me, I never considered myself that, it’s insulting.

The other thing that no one has addressed in this, I have two children, one lives with me and one with her dad, 5 1/2 years apart. Why is it that one has to assume that I was loose and easy and have more than one father to my children, NOT everyone does ya know.

Divorce, and the grass being greener on the other side, I do believe in a high percentage, NOT ALL, (there are other good reasons for divorce, such as abuse,etc), is very common. People now a days are so quick to give up when things get hard.

As women, we were brought up to believe in that house, with the little white picket fence, and the happily ever afters. Guess what… that house and fence need to repaired and painted, updated every so often.
That takes work, and too many have gotten lazy at wanting to put that work in. So much easier to just hop that fence for the next shiny little bauble that catches your eye.

Although I don’t see being a divorcee as a “badge of honor”, I am proud that I was able to make the choice that I did and admit that it (I, him, we) failed, instead of staying together in pain for all the wrong reasons.

I must say though, I’m sure I get judged way more for being a single mom than for being a divorcee. At my age it seems to be a norm.

And I agree with the comment above that has a surefire way to avoid divorce…just don’t get married in the first place! :p

I am divorced.

I got married to an asshat that I met in the military and only dated for 6ish weeks. I got married in a blue dress, him in jeans and a sweater vest… Caught him cheating on me with my Maid of Honor. IN.THE.ACT.

I drug that bitch out of the house to the yard straight Jerry Springer styles and whooped her naked ass right there on the spot in my pretty blue Navy Uniform.

Yep. Sure did. Ask me if he fought me on the divorce or what I got out of it. Heh.

Divorce sucks. But it is such a stupid thing to judge a person on. You think a person is who they end up not really being. You find out later that they cheated.

Whatever happens to lead you to realize that you just arent meant to be with the person you married is your business. No one elses. I dont give a damn if a person has 1 or 100 divorces. It is the rights of us as humans to fall in love and marry or not marry. Or marry and divorce. Or never marry at all.

$.02

I am not ever going to have to worry about getting divorced because I promised myself, long ago, that I was going to kill myself if I ever got married.

Any aspiring widows in these Mid-West parts?

I say wear the “divorce” label proudly, and hell I would put that notation up on my status if I could, and maybe rather should if we’re talking in the non-legal divorce sense. I think of my four serious relationships over the course of my life as failed marriages, but I don’t look at the word “failed” as a negative thing, but took the relationships seriously, so seeing as how the result was unsuccessful, I use the word failed. I joke to the next willing suitor that I’m damaged goods, and you’re taking a gamble with me as I have a history, but maybe this time I can get it right. I hope that doesn’t come off that I’m disapproving of it, because on the contrary, I mean exactly the opposite. I look at it that you didn’t shy away from a commitment, but rather dove in and gave it a shot, gave it your all, you were willing to go to that place that few are able to these days, and you came out unscathed and more experienced and ready for the real thing. I’d say more than others who don’t have that title to go with them, because you can pinpoint quickly if something has the potential to work or not.

Love the billboard pic!

I think there is a stigma for divorced men and women. There are a lot of people who have a picture of how their life is going to be and who they are going to be with and that picture doesn’t involve a person who was once is someone else’s happy little picture. Maybe it’s self-esteem, maybe it’s selfishness or maybe it’s just fear of measuring up (I know, doesn’t make sense). But for whatever the reason, after my divorce I saw some women get turned off faster when I told them I was divorced than if I imagine they would have if I had told them I had a STD (which I don’t, just saying it’s a strong knee-jerk reaction for some).

I….am torn on this one.

I think you should say you’re divorced, because I think a 38 yo woman who is still SINGLE has something wrong with her on a whole ‘nother level. Look at me for instance (!).

There’s a different category altogether for women who, like myself, have been around the block enough times to gain ridiculous amounts of life experience. A 15 or 16 year old is SINGLE. I on the other hand, am jaded, pessimistic, and a host of other things that could be inferred if I were to say I was divorced, except that I’ve never taken that plunge, thank gawd. I believe the term best suited might often be described as BITCH.

(…and I’m OK with that, in fact, I embrace it at times.)

So in order to show that you’re not a gullible, naive 15 yo and also that you’re not afraid of commitment were you to find the right person to commit to, DIVORCED is an appropriate label.

But a badge of honor? At the risk of pissing you off royally…I think if people (in general, not you in particular) took a really hard look at what & who they