Dirty-girl Interrupted
September 8, 2008 · Print This Article
Picture, if you will, a calm and ordinary Saturday afternoon in an average American home. The children are playing together in the family room, their mother washing dishes at the kitchen sink. As she cleans she loses herself in a daydream about a vacation in Hawaii or a live-in maid or some such flight of fancy.
Suddenly a voice cuts through her vision like Michael Phelps through pool water:
“You better give that back, or I’m gonna slap you in the nuts, you b!#@&!”
Whaaa-whaaa-what?! Oh no that didn’t just come from the mouth of one of MY babes! I jolted rather abruptly out of my reverie and promptly burned my hand in the hot water, and instantaneously let out an expletive of my own.
Pot…meet kettle.
No, I don’t walk around speaking of reproductive organ smacking and yes, my darling child did confess to picking up that lovely tidbit at the local elementary school. But that afternoon made me realize something: it’s exceedingly difficult to punish my child for using curse words when they come flying out of my own mouth all too often during the day.
Now understand, I have cut back tremendously since bringing my children into the world. And this took quite a bit of effort for a girl who used to use the F-word the way some use the word “umm.” Yet still, I know I could be doing better. And just like a couple weeks ago when my youngest uttered at me, “that guy is an a$$h@!e, mommy!” when we got cut off in traffic, this was an eye opening moment for me.
I really need to scour my potty mouth.
So being a woman of the internet, I poked around a bit to find some tips. Instead I discovered something horrifying…cussing might just be bad for your health! What the f^@k??! Okay, I never denied for a moment that it was a dirty habit, one which made me sound tacky, trashy or trite at times. I know that as a person with a rather extensive vocabulary I could most assuridly do better…but I never dreamed that I was doing actual damage to myself. How could my good pal f-bomb and his merry band of profanities be causing me harm? How could something that felt so right be so wrong?
But as I started to think about why I swear I started to see more clearly. Cursing is a mindless reaction to a stimulus. Something pisses me off, I pop off, simple as that. The problem is, when I allow myself to react without thinking like that, I cut myself off from the actual emotion at hand. I have built myself a direct route to anger…and it bypasses a lot of emotions; fear, anxiety, sadness, frustration. It’s not that I am not experiencing them - but as soon as they try to surface I am immediately suppressing them. If that isn’t a mini-meltdown waiting to happen I don’t know what is.
So I am making a choice…to quit the swear-words cold turkey. Because…
- I am more eloquent than this.
- I am intelligent and able to exhibit a much better grasp of this great language of mine than my vulgar choices sometimes indicate.
- I am in control of my emotions…they are not in control of me.
- I am capable of providing a better model for my kids.
- And I am NOT raising mini versions of Sam Kinison and Andrew Dice Clay!
And yet - I do not want to become a household like the Flanders’ house of Simpson’s lore either; a den of emotional suppression and howdy-ho’s and darn-diddly-arns. No thanks.
So what’s a gutter-gabbing girl in need of reform to do?
I am just going to take it one day at a time. I am going to try and be conscious of not only the words that are wanting to burst forth from my lips, but also the feelings that are bubbling up beneath them. I am going to practice THINKING things out, before saying them.
There is so much more authority behind an articulate argument than an angry outburst. It’s time to wield that power.
And perhaps its time to get a swear jar too…I am human after all. And the boys and I could use a pizza night fund.
Do you have a potty mouth? Is it under control or running wild? Have you had to deal with a child getting caught swearing? Or perhaps you have had to kick a different habit cold turkey…do you have any advice for me on gaining control over my vice?
On 09/7/08 at 7:19 pm
Trista said:
What the darn-diddly-arn is going on, kids? Got any substitution words for your good pal Trista?
On 09/7/08 at 7:46 pm
Karri said:
You could start attending “services” on Sunday. That’s a sure fire way to purify your outbursts.
No? Right. Okay then, in an effort to support you and the Things I will also attempt to curb my garbage mouth and offer you…tarnation and dogonit.
On 09/7/08 at 8:08 pm
Trista said:
Those are most excellent…but I do believe your redneck is showin’ sister!
I really need a substitute for “what the h@!!” though…any suggestions?
On 09/8/08 at 9:14 am
Jody said:
my grandmother could be heard uttering the phrase “oh my stars and garters” in place of ‘what the H—’ lol
On 09/8/08 at 9:16 am
Trista said:
I LOVE it! Who knew quitting the vulgarities would be this fun??
On 09/8/08 at 3:08 am
lisaq said:
Ugh. I cuss like a sailor! Growing up my kids understood that those were grown up words & not appropriate for them. Though they too picked up their own share at school. I definitely need to get a better handle on it…I accidentally let one slip at school last week! Yikes!
On 09/8/08 at 6:49 am
Trista said:
Yeah…I let them slip wherever whenever…and that the main reason I want to stop.
I have lost control of em, most of the time I don’t even notice I am using them.
On 09/8/08 at 4:10 pm
Meghan said:
Same here. That’s my problem, they have become too much of an intrinsic part of my vocabulary.
On 09/8/08 at 4:38 pm
Trista said:
And it just feels lazy, doesn’t it? I mean…you and I are smart girls; writers, readers, big vocabulary-havers!
On 09/8/08 at 4:47 pm
Meghan said:
Lazy it is. I mean, if some trashy skank at a bar started up with me and all she could do was cuss me out, I’d think ‘yah, typical!’. Why don’t I hold myself to that standard?
BUT, on the flip side, how good does a well crafted, highbrow vocabulary driven argument feel when you throw a ‘f^@k’ in there as an emphasizing verbal punch to the groin.
Those are the kind of victories that put me in front of the mirror bowing and tipping my hat!
On 09/8/08 at 4:58 pm
Trista said:
HAHAHAHAHA! I have definitely been there.
I was explaining to Karri earlier though; I get this self-satisfied smugness about me any time I am in an argument and the other party resorts to cussing at me first. Because this means I frustrated them and they defaulted down to lower brain functions.
I win! =P
On 09/8/08 at 5:18 am
melanie said:
I replaced “Jesus Christ!” with “Cheese and rice!” It makes me smile just saying it and gets me headed back toward a good mood.
Mostly, I made a decision one day that I was going to make my cussing count. Like you, I would use swear words like others used “um.” Now, I only swear when I am really pissed off. I’ll tell you what, it works! If my husband hears me swear, he’ll back down, and I’ll get my way. Every time.
On 09/8/08 at 6:49 am
Trista said:
Ah, they are more powerful when you use them less…interesting…
On 09/8/08 at 8:00 am
Proph said:
AHHAAAAAAAAAA…I’m on to your game ladies… curse less; win argument.
Fiddlesticks I say, fiddlesticks.
On 09/8/08 at 1:55 pm
Trista said:
You turn me on when you talk all old-timey like that.
On 09/8/08 at 5:24 am
Cassie said:
Ummmm, I’d like to know just HOW cussing is unhealthy…I don’t want to start a rant about how EVERYTHING we do is considered by some as ‘unhealthy’.
I cuss…ALOT…b/c sometimes a good FUCK is all that WILL fit a situation. SERIOUSLY AND, seriously, I could give a rat’s rear end whether or not I’m being eloquent, but that’s just my rebellious streak talking!!!!
now, I don’t let any expletives fly around children if I can help it, but all the kids that are around me know that those are ‘adult’ words and shouldn’t be uttered by young uns!!!
On 09/8/08 at 6:41 am
Phoenix said:
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
I feel like I use “bad words” when the situation calls for it, which isn’t too often, but does happen in front of children sometimes.
They are exposed to lots of things that are for adults only- and not all of them bad, like driving, sex, or drinking responsibly- and have to learn there is a time and place for everything.
So even though I use bad words around my kid, I have only heard her utter them accidentally a few times in her 14 years. And as far as I know she hasn’t tried to drive yet either. :p
On 09/8/08 at 6:47 am
Trista said:
You are lucky. My kids are muuuch younger than 14 and both have been caught uttering them. And my oldest has all but told me you are a dork at school if you don’t talk like that.
But like I said below, I am stopping for me more than anything. I fall on it too much…it’s pure laziness. Some might escape in moments of anger still, and I won’t beat myself over it, but the constant stream is stopping here. Simply because I want it to.
On 09/8/08 at 7:59 am
Phoenix said:
Yeah, peer pressure can be a bitch. (Sorry I couldn’t resist. :p)
But seriously, I do respect your choice. I made a similiar choice a while back. When I was 20 I decided to stop drinking, cold turkey, because I felt I didn’t have it under control. I didn’t drink for 7 years. Then I realized that I was mature and healthy enough to do it in moderation, and have been drinking responsibly (for the most part) ever since.
So, good luck to you I say!
On 09/8/08 at 8:06 am
Trista said:
Thank you. I honestly think it’s a big deal to me because it is part of a larger quest…to just get control of my anger-bursts. The swear words are enabling me! Or something… =)
On 09/8/08 at 7:38 am
Jime said:
You never know with these crazy kids. One day it’s cussin’ and the next its crack cocaine.
I like how you’ve raised your girl. She seems empowered and capable of speaking her mind, which is a trait that was endowed by you. There is an active dialogue that I’ve noticed between the both of you and that is pleasant.
What cuss words did you catch her using?
On 09/8/08 at 8:02 am
Phoenix said:
Thank you Jime.
I overheard her say “damn it” when she was 6 and couldn’t get her zipper down on her dress. :p
And I can’t remember the context but she said “bitch” once.
I think I overheard her say “shit” before too. See, it is so infrequent that I can’t even remember! :p
On 09/8/08 at 8:22 am
Jime said:
So, if she knows those words, why do you think she chooses not to employ them? Do you think she talks differently around her peers?
This is interesting to me.
On 09/8/08 at 10:17 am
Rex said:
Well I heard Mini-Phoenix at Ghiradelli Square say under her breath “Goddamn this place sucks… where the FUCK are these motherfuckin’ chocolate-covered strawberries?! Jesus fucking HELL… I swear I’m gonna blow this fucking place up if I don’t find ‘em…”
On 09/8/08 at 10:35 am
Jime said:
Hahaa. Yeah, I overheard her saying something about clubbin’ the fucking grey-matter out of those fucking baby seals at Pier 39, but I didn’t want to rat her out.
On 09/8/08 at 11:41 am
Phoenix said:
Poppycock!!! (This is a fave, since it means I still get to say “cock”. :p)
If anything it was you twos undue influence over the Spawn that had her cursing like a sailor, not little old me! ;>
On 09/8/08 at 6:44 am
Trista said:
There was all this info about stress and whatnot. It also talked about the fact that you are using lower brain function when you curse which I found interesting.
But I am really just trying to stop because I need to…for me. I don’t have control over it. And that- angers me. =)
On 09/8/08 at 5:26 am
Sarahh said:
Filth, Flarn, Filth…
Bill Cosby:
“When you’re a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don’t want to say, “What the filth and foul and I’ll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I’ll filth and foul, foul, filth!” You don’t want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot. “What the… Get your… I’ll put a… Get out of my face!”
This is exactly how I sound talking to my son…
What the? Get the… I’ll… Hahahaha, censorship makes you sound like an idiot. WHO KNEW??
On 09/8/08 at 6:51 am
Trista said:
hahahaha…I think I need to start carrying around a pocket thesaurus…just till I get used to this.
Wait, does thesaurus cover synonyms for curse words? I need to make my OWN version, I think.
“The Parent’s Pocket Thesaurus”
~Because otherwise, cesorship will make you sound like an idiot.
On 09/8/08 at 7:36 am
Sarahh said:
My curse synonyms…
“For the love of PETE!”
“What the FRENCH, Toast?”
“Hells Bells”
“Son of a Biscuit Eater”
Then the always popular :walking and hit your little toe on the table “FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFRICK MY FRACK that hurt!!”
I could always use more…
On 09/8/08 at 7:52 am
Trista said:
I am soooo stealing what the french…toast!
My child made up “mother pickle” and I am a fan of that as well.
On 09/8/08 at 8:00 am
Kiki said:
When I lived at home we weren’t allowed to swear so my sister and brother and I came up with a few choice phrases! A few personal favourites … “spot the duck” “holy spit” “pluck me” “chugger this” “oh bucket” “little baby cheeses” …
Of course my mum knew exactly what we meant and we still got sent to our room, muttering the REAL phrase under our breath as we went.
On 09/8/08 at 8:03 am
Trista said:
hahahahahahaha…I like holy spit, a lot. Probably because the true phrase is a favorite of mine.
But I start using them, the kids will definitely do the same I am sure. They are too funny not to. So do you think the public school system will frown on the usage of “little baby cheeses?”
On 09/8/08 at 8:15 am
Kiki said:
Don’t get me started on the ridiculousness of overly applied political correctness.
Sh*t is the possibly the most flexible word in the English language. F*ck is one of the oldest recorded anglo saxon terms, as is crap and (the awful, I have to admit) c*nt. Thus these words are important to our heritage as long as they are used in the right context. I think it’s important to respect the English language and use it appropriately. Therefore when all that will work is a hearty WTF, then THAT is what I will say. I don’t swear in front of children, or my parents/grandparents, out of respect. But I do think we can’t all be flowers and sunshine the whole time and our language is the way we communicate this fact.
On 09/8/08 at 8:28 am
Trista said:
I absolutely agree. If Chaucer used it why can’t I??!
However, I have gotten to the point where they DO escape me in front of the elders and the childrens…I am in need of a detox! =P
On 09/8/08 at 8:32 am
Sarahh said:
“Little Baby Cheeses”
Filed in mental Rolodex for future use.
On 09/8/08 at 6:45 am
Svaha said:
I use all the adjectives available to me. My father was both an ex-sailor and a trucker, I had relatives that were construction workers, and I was raised on a small farm - the perfect breeding ground for a rich and colorful vocabulary. Lately I just swear with an Irish accent “Ahh, for fooks sake lasss, bugger me blind, what the ell is this shite” I feel more worldly, bringing some diversity into a cold, heartless world.
My youngest daughter, 12, recently asked when she could start swearing “for real” because saying freaking just wasn’t working for her. I told her she can start swearing when she gets her permit, because honestly, you can’t drive in Massachusetts and not swear.
On 09/8/08 at 6:54 am
Trista said:
Oh man…Los Angeles isn’t any better. I honestly think that is where my boys picked up the most of my filth, flarn and filth — from the backseat.
On 09/8/08 at 7:52 am
Kiki said:
You are sooooo right about that. I think NOT swearing whilst driving in Boston is actually an offense.
On 09/8/08 at 6:54 am
Carol said:
I respect your position and admire your fortitude! I do watch my mouth in front of my kids. However, I have certainly slipped from time to time. I refuse to be a hypocrite. I tell them there are better words and that sometimes I am just too lazy to care. I also reaffirm to them that they are not “BAD” words…just GROWN UP words.
Like you, I have a rather extensive vocabulary. I know there are better ways to convey MANY things. But, sometimes, what the fuck is the BEST way for me to describe what I am genuinely feeling. It is rare I get that flabbergasted. And, quite frankly, I like saying it from time to time!
On 09/8/08 at 6:56 am
Trista said:
hahaha…I do love a good “What the f#^!”
But I fear my habit has spiraled out of control. Gotta get a handle on it. Then perhaps I can allow myself a taste of the naughty words every once in awhile.
On 09/8/08 at 8:31 am
Carol said:
As long as you don’t censor yourself during sex. I mean, really….sometimes that is just tooooo hard to NOT use an explicative.
My kids have both used the “a” word. I have to admit that the time my daughter called my son an asshole…she pretty much beat me to it. He is sooooo rarely like that, really. But, he did something and I thought it as my girl said it. We ALL laughed. Then, I backtracked and reconfirmed it was a grown up word. And, yeah, I felt bad for thinking it, too. But, I can’t deny it was funny. VERY Funny.
On 09/8/08 at 8:35 am
Trista said:
Oh he!! no, not during sex!
I’ll be detoxed by November, right? That’s my next scheduled sex time. <—- how sad is that. I miss my man…and his peen.
On 09/8/08 at 8:38 am
Trista said:
Oh, and don’t feel bad. Sometimes I think my boys are being little a-holes.
I just don’t tell em I think so.
On 09/8/08 at 8:44 am
Kiki said:
Hahahahaha… I once said “bugger me!” at a *ahem* “crucial point” in the proceeding with an ex, and his eyes lit up cos he thought I meant it!
I didn’t.
On 09/8/08 at 1:24 pm
Carol said:
It’s pretty sad that you have to wait til November…but NOT sad you miss his cock.
Sorry, I have not adopted the peen yet. I still like the word cock. It’s just stronger. More manly. More of what I want in my….
oh my. i need to stop.
On 09/8/08 at 1:53 pm
Trista said:
I pretty much only use cock when I am naked. Or on my way to being naked.
Apropos, no?
On 09/8/08 at 7:44 am
pecosa said:
Oh lawdy! He said WHAT?!
I need to tone down the potty mouth too, but “dang it” just doesn’t release enough emotion to make me feel better!
I try not to use bad words in front of my kids. Tryyyy. Because my 8 year old is a sassy lil’ thing and will remind that if she can say that, I shouldn’t either. “Set the example, mooom” Oy.
Funny story: When my son was 2 I was trying to build some thingamagig for like an hour and eventually I gave up and said “Oh, fuck it” Well, about two days later he was playing with a toy and I saw him get all frustrated. He throws it and yells “feck itt” I was mortified! I quickly told him that what mommmy had said was “Bucket…like bucket of chicken!” so now everytime he would get mad he would say “Bucket…. of chicken!”
On 09/8/08 at 7:57 am
Trista said:
Hahahahaha! You do bring up a valid point though. We can tell the kids they are “adult words” till we are blue in the face, but shouldn’t we be trying to set the example? Just like I don’t get drunk every night in front of them and then say “drinkin’s BAD, kids…” Extreme example, sure. But they DO emulate, so it’s best to be the best role model we can be, right?
I love the bucket of chicken story…classic.
On 09/8/08 at 7:54 am
Jime said:
I appreciate what you wrote about swearing being a direct gateway into anger. That’s a profound thought, Trista. Really, thanks for contributing that idea.
My mouth can be abrasive, and quite honestly I like it that way. Cuss words are tools to extend a conversation to its gritty fullness. I try to use them discriminately. That said, I do hold back around my nephews and children. This is not something that is hard for me to do…perhaps this is because of a type of training I had years ago. This may be helpful to your quest…
Ages ago ideas would come into my head too fast. When I tried to speak them they came out all fucked up. One of my teachers taught me to pause before speaking, to think of what I wanted to say, formulate that idea and then speak it. At first the pause was noticeable (and uncomfortable) because of the extended silence. After some time passed I became comfortable with that silence and the pause. What happened though was that this teacher empowered me to THINK about what I wanted to say instead of just reacting and blurting out whatever I was feeling.
Ironically, I had to unlearn this habit when acting started to play a larger part of my life, because that activity is all about listening and reacting with emotion and feeling.
On 09/8/08 at 8:01 am
Trista said:
Your example is excellent, Jime- that is exactly what I have been trying to figure out how to do. There have been all too many times when I hit the “red zone” and I speak first, think later. That is dangerous way to be…I don’t do it to my kids, but I certainly was getting to the point where I was doing it in front of them. Not cool. Scary, even.
So…a big pause, huh? How did you program it in? I have been trying to count, but then I lose my actual train of thought! =P
On 09/8/08 at 8:13 am
Jime said:
At first it was very hard for me to program. I would blurt out a mess and then think to myself afterward, “Shucks, I really should have paused there.” If you try this then you will notice this afterthought happening frequently and that is a good thing. It means you are paying attention.
My teacher told me that in the beginning I should pause before ever saying anything. The pause should become a natural reflex before speaking. This reflex was NOT to get me in the habit of thinking before speaking (because I was doing that already, just too much). Instead the pause was to allow myself the power to sift through my ideas and choose the one I wanted to focus on and express.
So, the first goal is to give yourself the pause. Hopefully, this will allow you to recognize and seize whatever path you want to take.
On 09/8/08 at 1:52 pm
Trista said:
Okay, so update:
I have been trying out the pause today and so far all it is doing is causing the kids to think I have fallen asleep mid-sentence.
“Mom…mom…MOM?”
heh.
On 09/8/08 at 8:04 pm
Jime said:
Hahaaa yeah, at first it’s not very flattering. People might think you are “slow”. Fair warning.
On 09/8/08 at 8:34 am
Proph said:
I was never taught to pause before speaking… rather I refused to learn. I used to make fun of my father for “shatnerizing” sentences. I grew up knowing that speaking your mind was a positive trait… but I never quite understood the caveat..which is… you don’t have to say every fragmented thought that tumbles through.
Luckily … I began to get better when I started writing… as an unintended consequence, I have become utterly dependent on the ellipses.A comma just doesn’t do justice the amount of time it takes me to whittle my thoughts down into a noticeable point.
Now If I could just translate my thoughts into words as coherently in face to face encounters as I (sometimes) do while writing…well… that’d be fuckin’ swell.
I have control over the keyboard…( when I allow myself to slow down)… But speaking extemporaneously and being able to turn what amounts to anarchy into a symphony of thought…well… it’s gonna take awhile.
Cuss words…are like percussion when they’re utilized correctly. And when their not…it’s just racket. I guess what I’m saying is… when it comes to curse words, we should all strive to be John Bonham, Buddy, Rich, Neal Perth… not that shit heel we all went to high school with who couldn’t stop tapping his pencil on the fucking desk.
On 09/8/08 at 8:37 am
Proph said:
Quick point of clarity…. I was the shit heel, still am.
On 09/8/08 at 10:03 am
Jime said:
I can totally relate to where you’re coming from. In real life I often pull the ole “George Costanza” of thinking of a great witty comeback ten minutes after it would be useful. It would be great to have my writing-mind sync up with my real-time mouth.
And if all that would sync up to my wandering hands–wow–then I’d be a real prize I’ll tell ya.
On 09/8/08 at 9:02 am
Trista said:
I know you strive to have your cussing be percussive darling, but…
ehm.
Drum lessons?
On 09/8/08 at 9:11 am
Proph said:
Ahhhhhhhhhhh snaaap.
On 09/8/08 at 8:05 am
Karri said:
I had one parent whom I learned all of my expletives from and another who never uttered so much as a “damn it.” I started emulating the taboo words long before my ovaries were functioning, but only when the parentals were out of ear shot. I knew they were “adult” words and that I wasn’t allowed to let them slip through my lips, but I was determined to push the boundaries even if they didn’t know I was doing so.
First an F-Bomb, then a ciggie, sex was next. Perhaps that is an extreme example, but my point is… parents are the first and most important role model children have! Everything parents do will be seen, heard and regurgitated on some level. An “adults only” statement isn’t going to detour whipper snappers but only encourage them to grow up a little faster.
I respect your decision to be a better you…the Things will only benefit from that choice!
On 09/8/08 at 8:15 am
Trista said:
You just reminded me of my blog for next week, where I will explain how pizza leads to heroin!
Yep, it’s true kids…you don’t want to not be here next Monday, just sayin’.
And yeah, I am with you on the emulation thing…it make not apply across the board, but I know I did it. My dad was THE coolest guy in the word to me, and he smoked. So I wanted to as well. Because him telling me he wished he didn’t while simultaneously lighting up just didn’t compute with me. This is why I personally won’t smoke in front of my kiddos.
And again, swearing is not in the same category as smoking…but I just want to set a better example that this lunatic angry swearing woman impersonation I sometimes put out there.
On 09/8/08 at 8:19 am
Jime said:
Over the weekend I watched the Lexington Steele episode you and Trisa made at TheStream. I was impressed with your usage of “fuck” early on in that episode. You did a : “Fuuuuuck” that was just perfect utterage of the word. Really, Karri, I strive to say fuck as good as you did there.
On 09/8/08 at 8:27 am
Karri said: