Does he need to come clean?
November 13, 2008 · Print This Article
Dear Eve,
I have an STD and I recently had unprotected sex. I really like the girl and I am afraid if I tell her she’ll never want to see me again. Should I just cut my losses now and never call her again or fess up to my dirty deed?
Signed,
Dirty Dan
Dear Dirty Deed,
First of all, I hope you’ve learned a lesson, and I’m happy to see that your conscience has gotten the better of you. Far too late if you ask me, but better late than never I suppose.
Let’s state the obvious, hmmmm? You clearly have an issue with not only protecting yourself, but protecting those whom you engage in sexual activity with or you wouldn’t be in this predicament. Let me ask you, do you have a death wish? If not, I highly suggest you rethink your ability to act like an adult and start protecting the peen (and the puss) each and every time! If you can’t do that, you need to take a vow of celibacy from the bow-chica-bow-wow until you are mature enough to handle the responsibility. No Glove. No Love!
Secondly, your decision to tell someone about your STD status shouldn’t be contingent on whether you like her or not. Again, it is your responsibility to let the other person be privy of your status so they can make an educated and informed decision. I understand the fear and anxiety of being rejected, however, don’t you wish someone had told you?
Lastly, Mr. Dirty Deed, it is imperative that you immediately notify the innocent young lady that you’ve put in harms way. I’d start the conversation with a sincere apology and offer to not only take her, but pay for her Doctor appointment and testing. It is highly likely that since she’s been exposed she may unknowingly be a contaminating others.
Man-Up, make the call, and for the love of gawd - wear a condom. Seriously!
KISSKISS,
LOVELOVE,
Eve
Anyone willing to share an STD scare, or worse…? Any condom-free confessions, anyone? Do you think Mr. Dirty Deed should just bide his time and see if the girl he banged becomes symptomatic, or should he find his balls and divulge the errors of his ways?
On 11/12/08 at 8:14 pm
Trista said:
I don’t want to discourage the man from fessing up, but if I were the female in this scenario, I would sock him in the face after he told me.
And then drive myself to the doctor, thanks.
On 11/13/08 at 5:26 am
Cassie said:
I’m gonna agree with Trista, here, and damn if he wouldn’t deserve it!!!!
On 11/13/08 at 6:55 am
Karri said:
I concur with both of you!!
On 11/13/08 at 4:27 am
~Lori~ said:
If he really likes her, this shouldn’t even be a question, geez. Any human being with a conscience even if they were STUPID and made the mistake to have unprotected sex, has the take the responsibility of telling the person/persons they may have infected! The consequences are too high in not telling, not only can others be infected, sterility can occur, even death. Come on, fess up and be a man!
On 11/13/08 at 7:00 am
Karri said:
It makes me wonder how many women he didn’t like that he never told…GRRRRR!
On 11/13/08 at 6:31 am
Meghan said:
Yeah…I’m going to have to go with the whole punching him in the face thing. From my car window as I am speeding off the the doctor.
I’m sorry…but he’s an asshole of the highest order. Although it doesn’t seem like they have been dating that long and she also has some responsibility to tell him to wrap it up…not as much as HE does considering he knows hes not clean, but still.
Bastard.
On 11/13/08 at 7:02 am
Karri said:
Apparently she’s not too bright either if she’s consenting to unprotected sex!
Seriously, people are still doing this?!
On 11/13/08 at 6:32 am
Squish said:
A real man confesses before sex occurs, protected or not. I’ve had a guy tell me about his STD when things started to get too hot and heavy unexpectedly. I appreciated his honesty and concern for my welfare and even tho we didn’t wind up having sex that night, we did later. After I’d spoken to my doctor, and his, and when the decision was made he made sure to protect me.
If he “really liked her,” her health and welfare would matter more than his hard-on. I’d punch him too.
On 11/13/08 at 6:57 am
Karri said:
At least your guy told you before it was too late! Thank you for sharing your story, Squish. Hopefully Dan will take it into consideration the next time he finds himself in this situation.
On 11/13/08 at 6:56 am
pecosa said:
If he doesn’t tell her and continues to sleep with her, neither one of them will ever get rid of the STD even if he’s getting treatment.
Tell her now and get it over with. You owe her at least that much.
On 11/13/08 at 7:03 am
Karri said:
“neither one of them will ever get rid of the STD”
That would be assuming that we’re talking about an STD that they could actually get rid of.
*sigh*
On 11/13/08 at 7:19 am
Evan said:
No one likes wearing rubbers. No one does — maybe on the first few dates. Relationship = no latex.
People are going to be fucking raw until our species is extinct (albeit from AIDS — LOL!)
It’s as simple as that. Do you think the person that gave that guy the ‘bug’ fessed up to him? Nope. Why should he be expected to? No one does. No one ever brings it up. Most people are not even symptomatic anyway! (Why you think a recent evaluation of health statistics and survey data determined that one in (less than) five people in NYC have the genital herpes virus? DO you see people walking around with open sores on their genitals, generally? NO! They just carriers.
It’s never going to be discussed openly, so just get over it! If you want to protect yourself, then make sure you and your partner are protected; otherwise, if you fuck someone raw, you cannot presume their civic duty to give you a full report. If you think you can have unsafe sex and still have the moral high-ground hold your partners to full disclosure accountability on this matter (when most people who carry viruses are asymptomatic and don’t even know they have anything), then you are a fucking idiot!
This article points out NOT THE SOLUTION, but the PROBLEM with peoples’ attitude on this issue. You ride raw, you deserve to get burned, and you are a fool to displace culpability on your partner. Deal!
On 11/13/08 at 7:29 am
Karri said:
I’m sorry, but I must disagree. To say that he shouldn’t be expected to disclose his status because the person he contracted it from didn’t, is ridiculous! He is only perpetuating the epidemic.
His question wasn’t asking Eve how to solve his medical issues, but rather inquiring as to how he should handle his current predicament…that HE caused by the way!
On 11/13/08 at 7:50 am
Evan said:
Fine, crucify him; it won’t change anything.
To have ‘risky’ encounters in this day and age, in the face of these very obvious statistics that are available to us all…
It’s playing with fire.
I am not trying to displace blame for the man’s fault, necessarily, but I think that this article and prior comments are extending far too much ‘victim credibility’ to the girlfriend in this scenario. Sorry.
I think that expecting people to act decent on a matter so socially volatile (one that can stigmatize a person, permanently) is the belief of childish idealism; no one is going to fess up to something that will travel like wildfire when the bar of accountability has been lowered so much by peoples’ willingness to remain mum on the matter, hoping that it just ‘won’t come up’. I just feel like I am listening to people scream into the wind here.
I do believe in human goodness, but I believe more deeply in human selfishness. People will be compassionate and decent at times, sure… but don’t EVER count on it. If you do, you are a fool. And no idealistic mantra or statement of moral assertion is going to change that.
On 11/13/08 at 8:03 am
Trista said:
Actually, there is nothing childish about it. What most of the commenters and the writer are expecting is for this man to act like an adult. When you are engaging in sexual activities with another person and you KNOW that you are harboring a transmittable infection in YOUR body, YOU have an obligation, not just to self, but to the other party.
Should the female have taken better care to protect herself? Of course. But did she write here for advice? No. So he, not she, was addressed. And what he did was despicable. And if everyone had this “not my problem” attitude, the stats would be much worse. Luckily, that is not the case. While genital herpes may be up in NYC, I happen to know that the national rate is down. So perhaps there is more people willing to accept responsibility in this nation than you want to give your fellow man(and woman) credit for.
On 11/13/08 at 8:23 am
Evan said:
I am willing to concede…
Fine, “punch him in the face and drive to the doctor”…
But in the morning, she is the one who is stuck with the virus. She could nail him to a cross and set him on fire in front of his own mother…. Sure.
This is justice in many peoples’ eyes. But what does it solve after the fact?
I will confess that life has lowered my expectations of people (particularly regarding my expectation of their willingness to assume accountability for anything, let alone something as impulse driven and personal as sexual behavior). I know that many people, men and women alike, don’t bring up this issue with their prospective partners because they are afraid of the social ramifications, and because they have had prior similar encounters and it has never ‘come up’ (for whatever reason).
If it makes you happy to paint the obvious villain in the scenario, and to target him on the principle of validating and justifying the entire discussion…. fine.
Go for it.
On 11/13/08 at 8:57 am
Trista said:
What would punching him solve? I would feel better.
Of course the scenario is flawed, because I have the “have you been tested / when?” talk before I have sex with a new partner. So I would be BEYOND livid if I was lied to straight to my face.
And I didn’t vilify him…I didn’t write this. I think they are both ignorant and reckless, most likely.
On 11/13/08 at 8:12 am
Karri said:
Evan,
I believe we all realize that the girl in this scenario was just as irresponsible as the guy. She gave him to much credibility, in turn putting herself in harms way. We can all agree that was an asinine decision on her part.
In no way am I saying that she’s off the hook, BUT I don’t think this is a matter of good or bad intentions. Instead it is simply a fact of life that he must deal with…like paying taxes. It just is.
How he chooses to inform his partners will determine the level of judgment. By not divulging his status prior to engaging in sex he’s already setting himself up for failure, and that is most certainly the epitome of selfishness! People will be far more accepting and compassionate if they are given the opportunity to make the choice, not if it is forced upon them.
On 11/13/08 at 8:25 am
Evan said:
Touche’. Fair enough. Thank you for allowing me to share my (intentionally) provocative vantage point.
On 11/13/08 at 8:51 am
Trista said:
It was fun…you should definitely come back!
On 11/13/08 at 9:31 am
Evan said:
Cool! Thanks! BTW, of you’d like to hook up sometime, my entire sexual history is posted (and updated in real-time) at: http://www.theseopensoresonmycockarereallyjustshingles.biz/evansbigunsafeboner
OK, that was a joke.
On 11/13/08 at 9:32 am
Trista said:
I don’t know whether to laugh or puke…and doing them together is dangerous. Thanks for the conundrum.
On 11/13/08 at 8:21 am
~Lori~ said:
Excuse even if he did use a condom, intstead going bareback…he still has the responsibility of telling the partner. Condoms are not fool proof either. Give the person that you are going to lay down with to decide if they want to take the chance and put thier lives/health on the line. Don’t you wish someone would do that for you if the situation is reversed?
On 11/13/08 at 7:29 am
Fiona said:
Wow, makes you wonder what else Wonder Guy is carrying….
He needs to come clean, now… and she needs to deliver a swift kick to the babymaker after he does.
On 11/13/08 at 8:20 am
Karri said:
Let us just hope this is his only secret!
On 11/13/08 at 8:01 am
Jody said:
One ‘benefit’ from being preggo so .. umm.. frequently.. lol. is the near constant testing.
and did you know, now it is mandantory for HIV testing at the beginning of EACH pregnancy? (rather, it is optional, but if mom refuses, then baby IS at birth, so save the baby a poke)
I had a scare… while I was preg with baby actually, something in the mass-testing came back ‘abnormal’ You ladies know what that means.. Further testing.. then was told I had to have a lovely procedure done asap after baby was born (they could do nothing while preggo). So I sat for months not knowing whether or not I was walking around with cancer (literally). Baby born, 4 weeks later procedure done. Clean slate. No sign. *whew*
Dude DEFINITELY needs to let chicky know NOW. Some of those things are ‘easier’ treated the quicker to deal with.
On 11/13/08 at 8:45 am
Karri said:
Ummm…pregnancy tests…ya, I’m exempt.
I’m happy to know that all was A-Okay! I can’t imagine having to wait for MONTHS!
On 11/13/08 at 9:35 am
Meghan said:
What kills me is GUYS don’t ever initiate this…why the hell not?!
I have the ‘I’m clear…have you been tested’ convo and had one man…5 years my senior tell me I was making him feel ‘weird’.
Know what else feels ‘weird’…your penis dripping 3 months after we’ve had sex! Don’t you want to know if I’m clean? STDs aren’t a one way street guys.
On 11/13/08 at 10:02 am
Karri said:
I know quite a few men who initiate the conversation. Sure, they are few and far between, but they do exist. Kudos to them!
On the flip side…unfortunately this isn’t the first time I’ve heard the “woe is me, I didn’t tell her” crap!
On 11/13/08 at 10:05 am
Trista said:
I know a guy this happened to. He wasn’t told for MONTHS.
Needless to say, he was pissed.
On 11/13/08 at 10:39 am
Meghan said:
Thats just awful.
I love how our Dirty Dan talks about cutting ‘his losses’…What about HER losses.
You can’t live in a sexual fantasy world just because you can’t come to terms with your own problems. These are human beings you are infecting!
On 11/13/08 at 9:47 am
WickedCourtni said:
Dear Dirty Dick,
I cannot believe that this is even a question. This goes to show the selfishness in the world.
“I am afraid if I tell her she’ll never want to see me again.”
You selfish prick. Who are you to decide the outcome of someones life/health simply because YOU like her???
Do you know the serious medical complications that can happen specifically to women who go on with an STD unknowingly? Did you know that some STD’s,specifically Chlamydia can harbor undetected for up to a year?
Women face cervical cancer, TSS, infertility, among many other things.
You better fucking tell her.
On 11/13/08 at 9:50 am
WickedCourtni said:
Oh. And to clarify. I would say something equally as harsh or harsher to a women if she was asking the same question.
Including: How could you be so stupid to not use a rubber??? Do you know the serious medical complications that can happen specifically to women who go on with an STD unknowingly? Did you know that some STD’s,specifically Chlamydia can harbor undetected for up to a year?
Women face cervical cancer, TSS, infertility, among many other things.
Like it or not, we NEED to use condoms if we are having sex. ESPECIALLY single folks in the dating scene.
On 11/13/08 at 10:02 am
Karri said:
AMEN, Sister!
On 11/13/08 at 10:04 am
Karri said:
Agreed. Eve’s response would have been much different had the girl been the one asking for advice.
On 11/13/08 at 10:27 am
WickedCourtni said:
It is very discerning that women are STILL afraid to stand up for their safety.
One reason why I want to work with adolescents is for this very reason. Fuck him if he wont respect your right to protect yourself.
SAY CONDOM OR NO SEX. Period.
On 11/13/08 at 10:47 am
Karri said:
With the influx of lipstick parties, co-ed slumber parties and the like, it frightens me to no end that parents are not only allowing this to happen, but aren’t teaching their children to respect their bodies. Boys and girls!
Go save them, will ya?
On 11/13/08 at 11:11 am
WickedCourtni said:
Heh. I am savin the world. One god damned condom at a time. :p
On 11/13/08 at 11:48 am
Karri said:
Now, there’s a slogan Planned Parenthood should adopt!
On 11/13/08 at 10:10 am
Penthouse Magazine said:
Nothing wrong with having a good time but safe protection is key to ensuring that you will be having fun for a long time in a healthy manner.
On 11/13/08 at 10:49 am
Karri said:
Or stick with self-lovin’ and save us all the drama and headache!
On 11/13/08 at 11:01 am
Trista said:
Spoken like a true celibate!
Oh…but wait…
hmmm.
On 11/13/08 at 11:07 am
Karri said:
I was channeling my inner T.
On 11/13/08 at 11:34 am
Trista said:
Being in a LDR doesn’t make me celibate.
A masochist, perhaps…but I’m not a celibate. Don’t make me call you a week from tomorrow, around 9pm PST to prove it to you…cuz I will!
On 11/13/08 at 11:47 am
Karri said:
HAHAHAAA!
PLEASE, do call. I really want to hear the yippie in your voice…make that post-yippie!
On 11/13/08 at 10:44 am
Rex said:
Yeah, uh… that’s foul.
As it was mentioned before, people should have enough common sense and responsible to inform all those he/she was active with before knowing their status. Own up to your shit! Damn.
This is why I wait so long when dating. Even when I feel comfortable enough with the lady to initiate some intimate contact, before I feel her breath on my dick… I need two forms of identification and two copies of the current and last test results.
On 11/13/08 at 10:51 am
Karri said:
It’s rare, but not unheard of to ask for current test results. I commend anyone who respects themselves enough to do so!
On 11/13/08 at 1:05 pm
Evan said:
Again: http://www.theseopensoresonmycockarereallyjustshingles.biz/evansbigunsafeboner
On 11/13/08 at 2:59 pm
Karri said:
Should this link go somewhere, E?
On 11/13/08 at 2:18 pm
Kevin said:
You have to take responsibility when it comes to sex, or don’t have it. If you have any shred of human dignity, you’ll fess up the second you know. It’ll eat you up inside if you don’t, and if it doesn’t, then you’re without conscious. So yeah, my choice is to say something right away, no matter how difficult it is. Be responsible.
On 11/13/08 at 2:58 pm
Karri said:
HA! I thought you wrote “I’ll eat you up…” and I immediately had a conversation in my head… “wow! Kevin, you’re gonna’ what?! Are you sure you want to do that?”
Someone is missing her afternoon mocha…
On 11/13/08 at 5:56 pm
Kevin said:
haha now I wish that’s what I said, that would be a bold afternoon statement.
On 11/14/08 at 6:59 am
DaMaGe said:
I received this dreaded phone call in college.
“I have somethings to tell you…”
“Are you PREGNANT??” No…
“DO you have AIDS????” No.
“I have clamidia.” Wheeewww!!!”
I was so happy on the phone because that was treatable, the lesser of the evils.
Luckily, I didn’t get it anyway.
You would think women would be overly conscious about “getting something” in the midst of humpin’. Sometimes they just hop on before you can set up shop. And usually, I am Mr. Responsible and do my due dilligence, BUT sometimes… not.
I get paranoid afterwards always. I know it’s wrong, but it feels so right! This is a rare occasion, I might add.
Ugh.
On 11/14/08 at 7:05 am
DaMaGe said:
About Dan. Did he really ask for advice on this? Wow. The balls on this guy! I’m impressed! I would hide in shame, myself.
Anyway, the thought process of engaging in unprotected sex is bad enough. “What if I’m getting something right now?” The thought process when you KNOW you have a disease has got to be torture. You can only hope you aren’t giving the other person something.
I wonder if Dan thinks he still has a chance w/ this gal.
On 11/19/08 at 8:01 pm
All Stuff Adult said:
OMG!!!! There is no way you even did that! How much could you really like her if you would do that to her!?!?
YES you should tell her! Would you want to be told if a female did that to you? That is just so wrong of you to put her in that position but just MAYBE if you come clean she MIGHT forgive you…I wouldn’t but she might.
On 12/13/08 at 7:19 am
Bree said:
I’d go Lorena Bobbit on him.
Just sayin’