Getting him to enjoy arts and crafts week at panty camp
August 27, 2008 · Print This Article
Dear Eve,
My boyfriend of three years absolutely refuses to have sex with me when I am having my period, or should I say he refuses to enter through the front door. Instead, he insists that during that time of the month we switch to anal. I really don’t understand it, he almost seems afraid of my period. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he practically runs from the room when I mention the subject. And before you think I am weird for even caring, we have recently started talking about marriage…but I am really finding myself hung up on this issue! It seems so childish and immature of him, I mean it’s natural! And besides, it is my horniest time of the month! I really don’t want to subject myself to a lifetime of nothing but buttsex during my horniest week of every month!
Thanks,
Blood-lust
Dear Blood-bust,
So…your man fears the red tide. He doesn’t want to hang around when Aunt Flo comes to town. He doesn’t like to saddle old rusty. He doesn’t enjoy arts and crafts at panty camp. He’s a-scared of vagina blood. What a pansy!
Sadly, many men are like this, so I wouldn’t be too quick to toss this particular one back. It’s not even his fault really, society has trained men to fear all things labeled “women troubles.” It’s a survival tactic, passed down from generation to generation. Though it is true that some women find that rare evolved man who doesn’t get squirrelly at the sight of a little VB, those men seem to be an exception, not a rule.
The trouble is, you’re right…this can be a time of great sex in the monthly cycle. Our hormones are raging; this makes us not only crave sex in a big way, but also puts us in a better position to achieve exceptional orgasms. And sex helps cramps, you selfish bastards!
So first ask your man this: Would he rather risk his precious penis getting some e-coli jammed in the pipe? The blood is not going to hurt him…having poop particles up his urethra however, that CAN hurt big time. I would tell you to ask a guy I know about that but I doubt he would want to be identified here today. So lets move on…to you.
Yes, you…you aren’t innocent either, Ms. Bloody Mary! If this is such a tremendous and rule breaking issue for you, why did you wait THREE years to deal with it? You have CONDITIONED him to his monthly butt-sex week and now you want to make issue of it? Foolish girl. It’s alright though; you have come to your senses and are ready to stand up for yourself…better late than never. So let’s talk about the best way to have period sex with a squeamish fellow:
We all know that sex during the great flood can be a tad messy. But it’s really not that difficult to get around that. Use your human ingenuity, people. A couple of old towels can help you deal with most of that mess. Lay one beneath you, and keep one nearby, to help Mr. Red Scare there clean the peen. Dim the lights too. These simple steps really should eliminate most of his physical issues. And I can’t really deal with the psychological stuff here; I’m just a girl with a website. Anyhow, if he reads the steps above and is still freaked, try sex in the shower. Tell him to keep his eyes off the drain and on you so he won’t have to see any of that icky girl matter. Freakin’ wimp.
Worse case scenario, just masturbate. A lot. The whole week. In the shower, in bed, wherever and whenever you can. Let him see how excitable you are during this time…it might help. Certainly couldn’t hurt.
And really, don’t wait for years to talk about relationships issues, sexual or otherwise. You have put up with this unpleasant monthly problem approximately 36 times already in your relationship…no wonder you are seeing red!
So talk it out with him, and god as my witness, Miss Scarlett will return to Tara but you will not go unsatisfied again!
Because like I said…worse case scenario…let your fingers do the walking…fiddle dee dee…a girls gotta do…
Love and kisses,
Eve
On 08/26/08 at 9:05 pm
Karri said:
Okay, wait just a minute! He won’t come near her with a 10 foot pole when the red river’s flowing, but he won’t hesitate to ram his up her ass? WOW…now that just sounds like cramp-camp fun for the whole family.
Here’s another suggestion that I’ve found to have not only spectacular results, but he’ll be none the wiser. Get yourself a diaphram or an instead cup. Shove that giant condom up your hoo-ha and enjoy some clean and easy lovin’. Just be sure you don’t remove it near his vicinity…trust me!
On 08/26/08 at 9:33 pm
Trista said:
Yes! I completely forgot about the Instead Cup since I don’t actually use them myself. I do have many a friend that swears by them though…and I hear the dam holds pretty well…as long as their aren’t too many flips and dips if ya know what I mean.
Save the acrobatics for the next week, kids.
On 08/27/08 at 3:24 am
Meghan said:
LOL! That was my 1st thought…the Instead Cup! I used them ONLY for this reason in my last long term…even though he wasn’t afraid of Flo…it just made life a little easier.
On 08/27/08 at 5:29 am
Trista said:
I’ll have to think about trying one…I’ve feared them in the past, due to a horrifying tale of one slipping out and turning sexy time into a reenactment of “Carrie.”
On 08/27/08 at 6:56 am
Jime said:
This site is so informative. I’d never even heard of an Instead Cup before. Awesome.
On 08/27/08 at 3:46 pm
Vic said:
Me, neither.
On 08/31/08 at 12:34 pm
Chris said:
Makes three of us.
On 08/27/08 at 3:35 am
lisaq said:
Good suggestions girls. Problem solve people, problem solve! Good grief!
On 08/27/08 at 5:30 am
Trista said:
Exactly. This is simple stuff…not the kind of thing that requires three years of plotting!
On 08/27/08 at 3:57 am
Sarahh said:
What is an Instead cup??
*Googling*
On 08/27/08 at 5:32 am
Trista said:
why, it’s a unique, proven advancement in period protection!
On 08/27/08 at 6:04 am
Carol said:
Laughing my ass off……out loud…no one is home!
Why the hell aren’t the Instead Cup makers of America banding together FOR the women and soliciting the hell out of every man on the internet? INSTEAD of Plenty of Fish ads, INSTEAD ads should inform them of this option!
Me, I have never used one. I may try one day, just for *ahem* educational purposes.
Oh…and this started my belly laughs.
“And sex helps cramps, you selfish bastards!”
On 08/27/08 at 6:26 am
Trista said:
Seriously! We should band together, create a marketing pitch for them. shit, they should sponsor our site! =)
On 08/27/08 at 6:43 am
Sarahh said:
Maybe we can get Jesus Jones to belt out a little commercial jingle??
On 08/27/08 at 6:48 am
Trista said:
Something tells me he is probably available!
On 08/27/08 at 7:45 am
Proph said:
Maybe we can get Jesus Jones to belt out a little commercial jingle?? hmmm…?
“Don’t worry bout…don’t think about… use instead now baby just eat her out.”
Okay… I’m conviced this an awesome idea.
On 08/27/08 at 10:00 am
Trista said:
You write the song, and I’ll have my people find J.J.
On 08/27/08 at 3:48 pm
Vic said:
You two seem an awful lot like some other folks we know…
On 08/27/08 at 3:52 pm
Trista said:
I’m telling you…when we all get together it might just be apocalyptic. But it’ll be a damn good time too.
On 08/27/08 at 4:09 pm
Vic said:
Use less big words. I no have big word-brain.
On 08/27/08 at 4:12 pm
Trista said:
Liar.
On 08/27/08 at 4:21 pm
Vic said:
Shhh! I underpromise and overdeliver!
On 08/27/08 at 5:53 am
kiki said:
I just googled it and in England we call it the mooncup. It has quite the following!
On 08/27/08 at 7:58 am
Trista said:
First England and the US, next the world! Instead cup is taking over!
On 08/27/08 at 3:48 pm
Vic said:
Ok. I’ll go ahead and say what we’re all thinking… it’s the next World Cup.
Fuck you for judging me.
On 08/27/08 at 3:52 pm
Meghan said:
I almost wrote that earlier…ha!
On 08/27/08 at 4:10 pm
Vic said:
Who the hell are you, Speed Racer? Ha,ha!
On 08/27/08 at 4:02 am
Kiki said:
This brings back fond memories of an ex who had never done the deed during Aunt Flo’s visit before.
I think it traumatized him so much he joined the priesthood soon after. Within weeks in fact. (God bless you Reverend Brock) (and I’m so, so sorry I laughed at you when you leapt outta bed and shrieked “holy crap what’s all this blood on me??? Did I just BREAK something in you??!!”)
My point: some guys just haven’t been properly educated about such things in the first place. They were too busy snickering at all the rude pictures in that particular sex ed class probably.
On 08/27/08 at 5:47 am
Trista said:
I had a guy cry out, “jeez! how long has it been since you’ve had sex??” like my hymen had grown back or something!
So yeah…I see your point.
On 08/27/08 at 6:06 am
Carol said:
*snort* If only!!!
It’s almost entertaining for me to just text “CODE RED”. Just sayin.
On 08/27/08 at 4:50 am
Proph said:
As the first member of the male tribe to visit this site today; let me just speak for the most enlightened amongst us, and say… this blog is icky. And girls have cooties.
On 08/27/08 at 5:32 am
Meghan said:
WAIT! Weren’t you the one advocating Anal Week? Or was it anal Month?
On 08/27/08 at 5:41 am
Sarahh said:
Annual Anal.
On 08/27/08 at 5:48 am
Meghan said:
And apparently Anal Week is the new Blow Job week…these crazy kids and they’re constant ass sex.
In my day we had to walk up a hill to the make out spot, both ways, in blinding snow, and just pretend anal was an accidental slip.
On 08/27/08 at 3:50 pm
Vic said:
Why hasn’t anyone alerted me to these special weeks?
Sarah!
You’re in charge of marking the calendar!!!
On 08/27/08 at 3:54 pm
Meghan said:
You do know that means Sarah gets to pick both the length and activity on these new fangled Holidays.
My guess is she won’t settle for ‘Kill The Palmetto Bugs’ Week.
On 08/27/08 at 4:11 pm
Vic said:
Fail.
She marks the “ANAL SEX WEEK” and the “BLOWJOB WEEK.”
Seems to me that the activity and length of time seem self-explanatory. As long I am the perpetrator of the first week and recipient of the other, and not vice-versa.
On 08/27/08 at 4:15 pm
Trista said:
Why can’t it be “oral sex week?”
Selfish male.
On 08/27/08 at 4:16 pm
Meghan said:
To think if poor Bloodlust up top demanded an exchange of Anal Play for her own…Just for shits and giggles.
Yeah, I said it.
On 08/27/08 at 4:22 pm
Vic said:
No problem… as long as there is compliance with my “two finger rule.”
On 08/27/08 at 5:49 am
Trista said:
He’ll take what he can get from my butt and like it!
Wait, that came out wrong…
Oh crap I did it again!
Shit! I can’t stop!
(I could do this all day…)
On 08/27/08 at 5:52 am
Meghan said:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
That was the biggest laugh I have had all week!
On 08/27/08 at 6:08 am
Carol said:
I love coming home…and talking about sex in all it’s wonderful forms.
On 08/27/08 at 3:50 pm
Vic said:
Ok, enough with the shitty jokes…
On 08/27/08 at 5:06 am
Cassie said:
have never had to deal with this problem, seriously, but this line “And sex helps cramps, you selfish bastards!” HAD ME ROLLING!!! lol
On 08/27/08 at 5:52 am
Trista said:
Thank you, thank you…but it does!! Doesn’t my comfort matter at all??
Argh.
On 08/27/08 at 3:51 pm
Vic said:
No.
Well, only if it gets us a reprieve from your bitching.
On 08/27/08 at 3:53 pm
Trista said:
It will! Fuck me mute, I always say.
On 08/27/08 at 4:12 pm
Vic said:
How may mutes do you run into, that you’re always saying it?
I have only met two in my lifetime…
On 08/27/08 at 4:16 pm
Trista said:
comma placement Vic…we’ve been through this…
On 08/27/08 at 4:24 pm
Vic said:
This particular case is flexible. Don’t challenge me on grammar, sugar-tits…
Especially coming from the woman who never uses commas!!!
On 08/27/08 at 5:45 pm
Trista said:
I do too. Just not usually in blog comments.
Go take a little looksie at that blog up there, chief.
On 08/27/08 at 5:31 am
Meghan said:
Yes…shower sex. Why no shower sex going on with Blood Lust?
And I don’t know, or want to know about the flow of her Flo…but guys, it’s not a tap that’s turned on full tilt for a week straight. Light days, heavy days and days that are just thrown in there for the panty liner industry…you aren’t going to come out looking like a victim every time.
As far as I’m concerned, you run much less of a risk of getting dirty with a little horny as hell mid week blood lust than you do with a 7 day anal attack.
On 08/27/08 at 5:58 am
Trista said:
Seriously…she should work him in easy…start a low flow day in the shower, and go from there.
I still cannot believe she has endured monthly anal-fest for three years…something tells me this girl had a lot of bedtime headaches…
On 08/27/08 at 6:01 am
Meghan said:
Bedtime ass aches, more likes it. Plus she knows she’s got anal coming to her all day long…I just couldn’t concentrate that way.
On 08/27/08 at 6:04 am
Trista said:
I meant the “not tonight…I’m tired…and I have a horrible headache!” kind of headaches, but yes, I see your point as well.
On 08/27/08 at 6:09 am
Carol said:
And….much to my surprise…I will share that thinking about anal does not give me a headache.
On 08/27/08 at 6:13 am
Trista said:
I think the thing that would bother me about “anal week” would be the felling that I HAD to…I like that sort of thing to be spontaneous…not demanded of me 12 weeks out of the year like clockwork.
On 08/27/08 at 6:25 am
Carol said:
Is it bad that I wouldn’t view it as “I had to”…more like the week where it was just more likely to happen? With the right relationship,the right partner and the right level of other stuff….I have been known to enjoy it.
I am NOT saying it’s an everyday, all the time, with anyone kind of thing…it’s not. It is an extremely INTIMATE thing for me. But, I’ll play devils advocate here and suggest that women who bitch about anal are equally quilty (in some ways) and Mr. Pansy Ass afraid of Aunt Flo.
*giggle* it goes both ways…lol!
On 08/27/08 at 6:29 am
Trista said:
It’s a little different, in that if a woman fears anal, she can end up experiencing great pain. Period blood is only going to hurt a man psychologically. =P
But I think for me it really is the idea that for that week my vagina is TAINTED somehow, so it butt-sex and blow jobs only. Those are both things I am perfectly happy to participate in…but that doesn’t mean I want them DEMANDED of me…nor do I think my poon should ever be treated like a second class citizen in the bedroom!
On 08/27/08 at 7:28 am
Karri said:
“women who bitch about anal are equally guilty”
Dearest Carol,
I politely disagree with your opinion. I’ve tried the cock in the ass on numerous occasions and for me personally it just simply isn’t an option! Therefore, I don’t see myself or any other woman for that matter as guilty of anything. If you wanted your partner to have hot and wild monkey sex hanging from the chandeliers, but he had a bum hip and couldn’t physically perform such an act, would you think of him as guilty? I think not. Instead we find other alternatives…like the Instead Cup!
*Stepping off my soap box now*
On 08/27/08 at 7:32 am
Proph said:
Psychological scarring can be just as damaging as physical scarring… am I to assume that you believe that an internalized wound is any less severe than a physical wound?
How dare you… How dare you all.
The “poon”… as you so aptly put it is at fault for refusing to conduct itself in a manner conducive to intimacy. You all need to have a heart to uterus conversation and figure out what the problem is.
C’mon… if I was walking around bleeding from the mouth once a month because of some genetic paramutation…I wouldn’t expect you to kiss me, because I understand that it’s groooosssss. So c’mon… just be logical.
Before all you women folk begin to petition for my castration on this sight… breathe.
I’m just fucking around. (mostly)
On 08/27/08 at 8:01 am
Trista said:
I’m not asking you to tongue kiss my vag during my menses…B-riffic.
On 08/27/08 at 8:06 am
Karri said:
Man up, B.
Better to be a bloody pussy than just a pussy.
On 08/27/08 at 1:18 pm
Carol said:
Karri…believe it or not, I AGREE with your dissention! I was just playing devils advocate a bit. LOL
On 08/27/08 at 3:52 pm
Vic said:
<—has a penis too large for most women to enjoy anal with.
On 08/27/08 at 3:54 pm
Trista said:
<------- wonders if she just received too much info about her friend Sarah's behind...
On 08/27/08 at 4:13 pm
Vic said:
<—-never thought about it that way.
On 08/27/08 at 5:46 am
kiki said:
Buttsex is WAY ickier than a threesome with Aunt Flo.
On 08/27/08 at 6:09 am
Trista said:
like I said…poop in the pee hole…it’s not just an urban legend, kids…
On 08/27/08 at 5:47 am
Fiona said: