Going, Going…Gone?
July 3, 2008 · Print This Article
Welcome to “He said, She said”, where we take a common question or topic and see if members of the opposite sex can get on the same page, or if they’ll have to agree to disagree. Today’s topic:
In a relationship, how do we know when to let go?
He Said:
This is sometimes a complicated question and it has been my experience that in every relationship at one time or another (and sometimes multiple times) it always comes down to two very basic things for me…timing and character.
Timing is the pace your life is at while involved with this person. Sometimes it’s the things you are focused on like your career, schooling, entertaining yourself, or the desire for a family. It is the ability to recognize where you are and give yourself the opportunity to take a look at the priorities that are most important. The decision comes in when the weight of importance is measured. If your priorities take precedence over your relationship, then simply enough, it is time to let go.
There are other times when things are not so easy, and this relationship is seemingly not going in the direction you would like it to go. This to me is where character comes into play. Not only is it the measure of character with regard to this person you are involved with, but also your own. The question comes in “is this person right for me?” and the answer comes down to character. Finding someone who is perfect is a prizeless search and will leave you lonely and forever searching. But understanding your partner’s character verses your own and how together you will prove to overcome the obstacles you will both inevitably meet is the search that yields the prize. Sometimes there is not a match, but if in the face of this question you find it then it is a rare thing and something to fight for.
She said:
I’ll concur with timing and character. What I do not agree with however is the fight, which is generally a result of fighting. Yes, all too often we throw in the towel and give up too quickly. We lack the character necessary to dig deep and trudge through the difficult times, but at some point, enough is enough already!
I simply can’t fathom the notion why anyone in their right mind would continue to stay in a destructive relationship. A union of two people who do nothing more than make each other miserable and spread their disdain to everyone in their vicinity like a contagious incurable disease.
It’s a given that there will always be disagreements in any relationship, but how a couple handles them should determine their worth. Insults, threats, acting out…seriously, who would want to stick around for that? If you enjoy sadomasochism, buy a ball-gag and enjoy the ride.
I get the fact that some people find comfort in their chaos, but for the love of gawd, stop making everyone else around you pay for your poor choices. Friends, family, neighbors… nobody wants to hear you cry and complain about how bad your life is because of your significant other. Just go if you’re going to go or suck it up and stop complaining!
Need to know when it’s time to go? Check your missed calls. If your inner circle has started to scatter like cockroaches it’s more than likely a tale-tell sign that they were over your relationship long before you were.
We’ve all suffered through a break-up or two, how did you know when it was time to let go?
Our “He Said” writer Brendan is a lover, fighter, father and husband residing in Arizona.
Tomorrow is a National Holiday, therefore Eve-101 is taking a much deserved and needed day off. Trista and I wish you all a very safe and happy Independence Day!
and thank you!
On 07/3/08 at 5:56 am
Carol said:
You need to start disagreeing more! I agree with both. If something is worthwhile, a little fight for the cause is a good thing. But,I agree that the destructive, spiteful and negative actions are not acceptable on an ongoing basis.
<–takes phone calls into the driveways and laughs with her friends before enjoyoing a night out. I think I get even MORE phone calls when I am spending time with a man!
On 07/3/08 at 6:03 am
Karri said:
It’s the level of fighting that I disagree with. When it gets to the point that you’re annoyed by the fact that the other person is breathing…time to gooooo!
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Don’t you mean a night “in”?
On 07/3/08 at 10:17 am
Carol said:
*giggle* yes, a night in…a night out…a night with a man who makes me giggle just as much as my best girlfriends. I guess I need to find something to fight about. Just not much worth arguing over!
On 07/3/08 at 6:57 pm
Karri said:
Then there’s no reason to go looking for one…enjoy!
On 07/3/08 at 6:11 am
Cassie said:
I can honestly say the the first sign that there might even BE a fight leads me to say ‘au reviour’. I’m sure it has cost me more than one ‘good’ relationship, but I’ve lived through it!!!
On 07/3/08 at 6:14 am
Karri said:
I swear to gawd, woman! Every single day you surprise me. I would’ve thought that you would be the first one up for a good battle of the wits and standing your ground.
On 07/3/08 at 6:33 am
Cassie said:
yeah, I am….just not where very many men have been concerned. I LOVE a good ‘discussion’ with family and friends…just don’t or I should say haven’t given many guys that opportunity!! LOL
On 07/3/08 at 6:47 am
Karri said:
“Discussion”…ha! That’s what my Dad calls it. “Young lady, we need to have a discussion.”
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I’m certain spankings would’ve been less painful!
On 07/3/08 at 9:14 am
Jime said:
Haha, if only problems could really be magically fixed with good ole fashioned spankings. If that were the case, then…I’d probably get spanked a lot more often. Hm, and I’d like it.
On 07/3/08 at 11:17 am
Meghan said:
Spankings. Yes. Spankings.
That is all I had to say.
On 07/3/08 at 6:40 am
Lanier said:
I had a relationship that nearly all it was, was fighting. I learned a lot in that relationship, and I am using it in my relationship that Im in now. But when a fight comes up that is pointless, I throw in the towel. I do not want get upset or get him upset over something that shouldnt even be an issue.
On 07/3/08 at 6:44 am
Karri said:
I like to use what I call my “24-hour rule.” If/when things get to the point of no return, I call a 24-hour time out. More often than not, it wasn’t nearly as important as I thought it was.
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Going to bed mad is a whole lot easier than trying to remove your foot from your mouth.
On 07/3/08 at 7:04 am
Lanier said:
Ill try the 24 hour rule, not sure it’ll work w/ my man, but I guess we’ll see. If it comes to that.
On 07/3/08 at 8:12 am
Kevin said:
There will always be disagreements, find someone who has a similar temperament than you or balances your personality out, maybe one is outgoing the other isn’t. The true test in a relationship is how you both whether in a crisis. If you’re fighting to the point where you’re needing a constant breather, both retreating to your neutral corners where fighting becomes the condition, then it may be time to reassess where the relationship is going and how to fix it first before walking out. There’s nothing worse than enduring the constant silences between one another, where the silences are so loud filling the space with everything that’s been unsaid or done wrong. Meet each other half way and give until it hurts, where you give until you can’t give anymore, and then you give more. If you’re gonna walk, don’t give up without putting up a fight.
I like that 24 hour rule, examine what it is your upset about it and gauge it’s importance and why. Some things are to petty to be fighting about and it’s better to accept that this is the way this person is, you can’t change anyone. I’m generally pretty cool about most everything just don’t stray and things will be fine.
On 07/3/08 at 7:12 pm
Karri said:
“Meet each other half way and give until it hurts, where you give until you can’t give anymore, and then you give more. If you’re gonna walk, don’t give up without putting up a fight.”
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As long as we’re not fighting about fighting and both parties respect each others boundaries. Yelling, screaming, door slamming, name calling…NO THANKS!
On 07/3/08 at 9:46 am
Jime said:
Awesome statements from both of you. Thanks for the clarity, Brendon, and for being able to define the core of the issue so specifically. Also I agree with Trista when you write, “how a couple handles [disagreements] should determine their worth.”
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In my relationships I have received the note that I need to fight more often. That I need to be crueler, less “good” and willing to get into all out emotional world wars. Lol. Meh. I don’t get it. I never have. I’m not sure if I really want to.
.
During an altercation I’m so dead calm and cool that I think it comes off as lack of emotional investment (which is totally not the case). Rather, I’m just analytical and would rather try to see things objectively than be an idiot and get emotionally invested in being a pig-headed ass…hole. I stand my ground, but apparently the women I’ve been dating want a guy who stands his ground and acts like a raging idiot while he’s doing it. Does this make any sense to anyone? Cause it doesn’t make any sense to me. What I’m trying to say is that it seems like women sometimes want a blow out. Even if it’s just an excuse to get make-up sex later.
On 07/3/08 at 11:20 am
Carol said:
It doesn’t make sense to me either…believe it or not, many a man has told me I do not get emotional enough over such things. I get sensitive, yes…I can even shed a tear or twenty. But, get in your face and call you names or spark some pig headed asshole fight…not ever. It’s simply not worth it. No matter what, I care enough to want to listen. ***Not opposed to make up sex…but why not get into an empassioned debate over differences of opinion and then have the same make up sex factor. It’s all about passion. mine just rises over different things than most***
On 07/3/08 at 12:09 pm
Jime said:
I’m in the same boat with you, Carol. Life is tough enough as it is, and there are enough differences without starting arguments to “stir things up” or for the sake of themselves.
On 07/3/08 at 6:36 pm
Spiked Hawaiian Punch said:
Jime, I’m just like you. I keep a level head and don’t get riled too easily. I’ll stand my ground, be firm, and think things through. Almost to the point where I may be TOO analytical at times. I find you can still have great “make-up” sex.
On 07/3/08 at 7:08 pm
Karri said:
Just a thought with a splash of experience…perhaps women see the calm, cool collected guy as not caring enough because we are generally emotionally based. Showing us something…anything, is a sign that you care. Maybe. Maybe not.
On 07/4/08 at 9:41 am
Spiked Hawaiian Punch said:
not saying that i don’t care. i care about my relationships very much, but recently i have told the people that i’m seeing that i don’t raise my voice and find it pointless. to me, a calm, soft voice has more impact.
On 07/3/08 at 10:20 am
Meghan said:
I think fighting ‘for’ a relationship only comes into play under very few sets of circumstances. It also must mean, at least to me, that it is not the couple fighting each other; but two people standing together taking on the obstacles that stand in the way of their lives and happiness together.
Unfortunately, fighting ‘about’ the relationship is usually what ends up happening. I’m admitting to have been a victim of some pretty rough exchanges myself. And then looking back in utter disbelief how easy it was for me to become that person.
The bottom line for me is, if two people who used to bring the best out of each other, now only bring out the worst…time to let it go, and accept it. If not you’ll only continue to peel away more layers of yourself, taking longer to heal before you can find the person you would fight for.
On 07/3/08 at 7:05 pm
Karri said:
Been there, Megs. In hindsight it truly baffles me how one moment we’re bringing out the best in one another and in the next breath it’s like having an out of body experience, wondering who in the hell just said those words?!
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Live and learn. The art of the “time out” is a beautiful thing no matter our age.
On 07/3/08 at 11:03 am
bryan said:
when is it time to go? hmmmm, when knives get thrown and cars don’t stop when one is trying to get out of them. of course even in the worst of situations when you factor in the old love variable, usually one party wants to look past, through, or around all of that. they hope to fix things, despite all of the unpleasantness. and you can’t really overlook how long the realationship existed.
On 07/3/08 at 7:06 pm
Karri said:
Or when the process server knocks on the door…
On 07/3/08 at 7:15 pm
Karri said:
Sorry I missed y’all today I was tending to a minor mishap. (All is good…no worries)
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Trista and I wish you all a very safe and happy holiday weekend and we’ll see you on Monday!
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Health & Happiness~
On 07/12/08 at 9:24 am
~Lori~ said:
Everyone has to figure out what is right for them as an individual and as a couple. It takes two people to make it work, priorities the key word. What are both y’all’s priorities, in the relationship, and life. There is no right or wrong answer to this. Only thing that bothers me, is how quickly people give up/or divorce, because it is easier than to put the work into the relationship. It’s just like that “little white house with the so-called picket fence”, you want to own it? Then remember you have keep it up, mend that fence, fix that roof, paint it every so often, if not… then it will just end up condenmed and come crashing to the ground.