Going the Distance
July 14, 2008 · Print This Article
You always said you’d never do it. It looked too challenging, too risky, too nerve-wracking. People that did this sort of thing were crazy…gluttons for punishment. But then despite your best intentions it happened to you.
You found yourself in the throes of a long distance love affair.
Will you make it out of this alive? Probably so. Will you escape with your sanity? Odds are with you. Will you come out of it hand in hand with the object of your affection? This part is up to you and your partner alone. Success is possible and even probable if you both commit yourselves to the challenge…but like ANY relationship it is going to take a little bit o’ work. But lucky for you I have done the research and compiled a handy dandy list of tips to help you go the distance…
Laying out your parameters…
I know, I know…rules, schmules…but if you want your geographically challenged relationship to survive they are pretty much vital. The good news is there are no specific set of rules, you two simply need to be on the same page. Exclusivity, frequency and times of communication, rate of visits, etc. are some of the things that need to be discussed and agreed upon…as well as determining when you will cease to be distanced. It is good to have a mutual goal that you are working towards, after all.
Talk, talk, talk about it…
I put it second on my list, but communication is of course the number one most important part of any relationship, and it is even more so when you are separated from one another. Without a way to bond physically each day, keeping your emotional bond strong and healthy is essential. And thanks to technology, you really have no excuse. Phone calls, e-mails, text messages, webcams; they all can help you keep the lines of communication wide open.
As far as what you need to be communicating about, well…think about any close relationship. You need to stay connected to each other’s daily lives, as well as connected to one another intimately. Have your sweet moments, and have your laughs too. Lean on one another for support after a bad day. This is what couples do, after all.
How creative…
Send each other packages with silly yet thoughtful gifts. Write letters. Make cds for each other. Read the same book and discuss at regular intervals, watch tv together. Eat together. Go to the same movie at the same time and then talk about it over coffee after. Find clever ways to still have togetherness even when you are apart.
Bring that same creativity to your sexual life together. Use that technology(cough *webcam* cough) to see you through these hard (ehm) times yet again…although it may not be the same as physical intimacy, it will strengthen your verbal intimacy skills greatly as well as foster a greater level of trust betwixt the two of you. Make it playful and fun…and don’t forget to bring that energy to your next face to face meeting.
Speaking of Trust…
You gotta, gotta, gotta trust each other to make this work. You have discussed your expectations and parameters, and you are both in it together. So let go and let it happen. Realize that you can be betrayed whether you are living in the same house or in different states, don’t get hung up on the distance and let if affect your ability to trust. You must believe in your partner and your partner’s commitment to you and this scenario. Without that faith in one another, you have no chance.
And I must add that while both Karri and I speak often of trusting in your intuition, this is an area where you can get into trouble with it. Be sure that it isn’t your insecurities and past experiences clouding your vision or causing your love indigestion. Don’t let your fear interfere.
When we assume…
Be clear in your needs, wants and hopes for the future…always. You cannot assume that your partner knows what you are thinking. This process more than anything else will bridge the gap, but conversely, skipping this step could cause your delicately balanced bridge to collapse. Ambitions, fears, dreams, desires…we all got em. So share em.
And when your needs or expectations change, don’t forget to convey the message to the interested party…or they will most likey lose interest. No one likes an unpredictable fickle pickle.
Till we meet again…
This one is a no brainer…you want to be together in the physical sense as often as schedules and finances will allow. And when these dates are set, make sure that not rain, nor hail nor sleet nor last minute girls only trips to the Bahamas get in the way. Do you value this relationship? Show it.
I really do believe that these thing can work, I’ve even seen it done…but as the 12 steppers say, you have got to work it. As with anything in this world, it is only going to flourish if you foster it. It can be a time of growth, both as individuals and as a couple…as long as you are in it together.
What say you, my peeps? I am very much a newbie to this distance stuff…a fresh recruit. So any advice for your fellow readers or your writer here would be much appreciated. Those of you who have made it out alive…share your tips…what to do as well as what not to do! And for those of you who failed to make a long distance relationship work…perhaps share what you think killed it…please?? Thanks!
On 07/13/08 at 10:07 pm
Karri said:
I so proud o’ you!
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Remember, don’t let fear eat your sanity!
On 07/14/08 at 7:54 am
Trista said:
No way. I am going to behead my inner chicken.
On 07/14/08 at 4:51 pm
Vic said:
Why not stroke the ego of your inner cock?
On 07/14/08 at 5:02 pm
Trista said:
hahahahahaaaa.
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And ew. Now I feel icky inside and I am not exactly sure why…
On 07/14/08 at 5:11 am
PrincessQuello said:
I haven’t done a true long distance relationship but I’d just like to say that in this day and age, when people are both running busy lives, all these rules can apply to “short” distance relationships as well.
In fact, I think they must. The little things shouldn’t be taken for granted just because you are within a 10 minute drive (ie, Get Creative)
Awesome blog as always. I think it can work for any couple that’s committed to making it work.
On 07/14/08 at 7:56 am
Trista said:
Excellent point. We do tend to take our close in proximity partners for granted sometimes. Any relationship takes work…if you want it to make it anyway.
On 07/14/08 at 8:02 am
PrincessQuello said:
Exactly
On 07/14/08 at 8:16 am
Trista said:
The question is, can you get your man to write love letters with you when he lives around the corner?
On 07/14/08 at 9:34 am
Karri said:
If peeing his name on my lawn counts, then yes.
On 07/14/08 at 10:11 am
Jime said:
There’s something very wrong with you, Karri…and I like it.
On 07/14/08 at 10:27 am
Karri said:
Wrong with me? I haven’t peed on a lawn in years!
On 07/14/08 at 10:51 am
PrincessQuello said:
I’m gonna agree with this one
On 07/14/08 at 11:19 am
Trista said:
You people have no idea…this weirdness runs deep…
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this is why I love her so!
On 07/14/08 at 11:30 am
Karri said:
ummm…thank you?
On 07/14/08 at 11:32 am
Trista said:
Us freaks gotta stick together you know.
On 07/14/08 at 12:17 pm
Karri said:
Betwixt.
On 07/14/08 at 4:52 pm
Vic said:
Yes. If he’s worth keeping.
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And if you send him pictures of your rack to his phone while he’s at work.
On 07/14/08 at 5:03 pm
Trista said:
That is a mighty fine game plan…thanks Vic.
On 07/14/08 at 7:48 am
Jime said:
I’ve had several long distance relationships and they all share the quality of being both exciting and fun, as well as being singularly creative events in my life. The problems have included a lack of the depth that real-life experiences provide, and also many, many miscommunications. When you don’t have the face-to-face (or should I say body-to-body?) it becomes harder to pick up on the minutia of cues and details that guide people to an understanding of what’s really going on. Sometimes it’s hard to get a bead on the emotional temperature during a distant encounter.
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Again, it all falls back on communication. First: knowing what is going on in the relationship and your life. Second, being willing and able to share/communicate about it.
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PS If you are a person with big trust issues then the long distance thing will probably be more difficult for you. In my experience these people will constantly question whether the other person is stringing them along with other long distance relationships, or if their mate is dating other people closer to them. Eventually this will become an issue, then an argument, then an annoyance.
On 07/14/08 at 8:08 am
Trista said:
I absolutely agree on the trust thing…it takes a healthy sense of it to pull this off.
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Here’s a question for you…I read a statistic that said you had a 55% greater chance of succeeding if you were in an established relationship prior to the separation. Did any of your relationships fall into that category?
On 07/14/08 at 8:23 am
Jime said:
That’s an interesting statistic, Trista. I can see the logic because a foundation in reality has already been established going in to the relationship. None of my prior distance relationships fall into that category. The only long distance relationship I’ve had with somebody I knew beforehand was with a woman who lived in Pittsburgh whom I went to college with. While there was a mutual crush back then, neither of us pursued anything at the time. Though I must admit in that scenario I fucked the long distance thing up because I was emotionally unavailable at the time.
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How about you: Do your long distance relationships fall into that category?
On 07/14/08 at 8:54 am
Trista said:
I haven’t really done the long distance dating thing before at all…unless dating someone an hour or so away counts…until now. and yes, he is someone that I had a relationship with prior to the move.
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I know it won’t be easy…but we do have a foundation, and I think that puts us in a good position.
On 07/14/08 at 9:35 am
Karri said:
Did you just say “we” and “us” in the same sentence?!
On 07/14/08 at 9:37 am
Trista said:
Shut up!
On 07/14/08 at 9:50 am
Jime said:
Indeed, you’d think it’d be easier to build upon a foundation than on some abandoned lot. Hope it works out for you.
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One thing that I like to do (because it’s genuinely fun for me) is send a package of fruit, or art, or letters or a painting or whatever. The cool thing is to take snapshots of what you are going to send. Like a BUNCH of snapshots. Then crop them in Photoshop so that you only get to see a tiny portion of what you are sending…sorta like a vague clue. Then resize the image to make then tiny (like 300×300 pix) for added challenge and then, daily, email these clues to get the suspense going.
On 07/14/08 at 10:21 am
Trista said:
Thank you.
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And that is a really clever idea…mind if I steal it?
On 07/14/08 at 10:24 am
Jime said:
Yeah, steal it. Anything to help keep the connection vivid is a good thing.
On 07/14/08 at 11:18 am
Trista said:
Yay, thank you!
On 07/14/08 at 11:32 am
Karri said:
What a great idea! I want one.
On 07/14/08 at 11:51 am
Trista said:
I think someone YOU know needs to read this blog…just sayin’
On 07/14/08 at 12:20 pm
Karri said:
Read it? I thought you’d conspired on it!
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And the weirdness continues…
On 07/14/08 at 4:55 pm
Vic said:
You know, the lake of face-to-face communication really made us improve our attention to verbal cues and inflections… we could pretty much read each other over the phone, if you could believe that. Being able to read body language just became gravy once we were in touchably close proximity.
On 07/14/08 at 5:05 pm
Trista said:
A lot can be conveyed through delivery and tone.
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How long did you two do the distance thing anyway?
On 07/15/08 at 9:47 am
Vic said:
9 months. Long enough for us to know if either of us was pregnant.
On 07/14/08 at 8:29 am
Carol said:
I dated a man who lived four hours away. Conversation and tons of it kept it working. Human factors post-divorce mucked it up for both of us. Those factors aren’t really relevant. I felt him with me, so it never felt like he was that far away. But, I can’t even focus on that old relationship enough to offer anything of substance today…so I’ll just leave my love and support.
On 07/14/08 at 8:55 am
Trista said:
What do you think about being a four hour flight away…?
On 07/14/08 at 4:56 pm
Vic said:
He would have to be a hairy little bastard for it to work…
On 07/14/08 at 5:05 pm
Trista said:
Check on hairy and bastard…but he ain’t so little…
On 07/14/08 at 10:16 am
Vic said:
Reserves this space for future comment… when I am done hopping in and out of people’s mouths.
On 07/14/08 at 10:21 am
Trista said:
You make dentistry sound so dirty…
On 07/14/08 at 10:26 am
Vic said:
Say aaahhh, beeyotch!
On 07/14/08 at 11:33 am
Trista said:
Weren’t you going to come in here and say something intelligent?
On 07/14/08 at 4:49 pm
Vic said:
Shut yer face.
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The key to a successful long distance relationship? It’s simple really… you have to genuinely be crawling in your skin with anticipation to see the other person. You have to do whatever it takes to foster and nurture that feeling, too. Use tools like flowers.com to send little arrangements to each other’s work as a surprise. Use the camera on your damned cell phone! Make sure to change your cell phone plan, though, as you will rack up the muthafukkin minutes… and most times, you are not going to want to wait until 9 for the free anytime minutes.
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I was a swinging dick bachelor and happy about it. I found someone smart, intelligent, witty, and sexy. We had a mutual sense of humor that was… twisted? different? sick? Whatever, we connected. Fact is, it’s hard enough to find someone to make a connection with in your own zip code, why discount the possibility if you find it somewhere out there?
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I don’t really know what else to say here, except that you really have be a good boyfriend or girlfriend. The distance and the absence can magnify wonderful gestures but it can also magnify miscues. But most of all, don’t discount the probability that the person on the other end of that long and winding road wants to be with you just as badly as you wish you were there with them. If not more. Knowing that makes you feel good, so you should do your best to return the feeling.
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Other than that, you could send pictures of my dick to your girl. It seems to have worked for me.
On 07/14/08 at 5:07 pm
Trista said:
“Fact is, it’s hard enough to find someone to make a connection with in your own zip code, why discount the possibility if you find it somewhere out there?”
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~EXACTLY.
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And I am ignoring the dick comment…you ass.
On 07/14/08 at 6:03 pm
Chris said:
Maybe he has a son named Richard… and he wants to send pictures of his Dick.
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“Intentional Misunderstanding: Just one more service I offer.”
- C.S. Knepper
On 07/14/08 at 6:15 pm
Trista said:
Come on…it’s Vic we are talking about here…
On 07/14/08 at 6:22 pm
Chris said:
Yeah, I know… I was offering the longshot possibility that he was saying something without a double entendre.
On 07/14/08 at 10:49 am
Ryan said:
Long distance relationships are “SAFE”. Quite simply, there are no need for brick walls and strong defenses when your partner is miles away. They are “plan-B” relationships. Something to fall back on while you look for a better one close to home.
On 07/14/08 at 11:16 am
Trista said:
I so very strongly disagree with you. There is nothing “safe” about it…not if you are taking it seriously anyway. I have never felt more emotionally vulnerable…but I feel this person is worth the risk.
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Would it be easier to find someone closer? Maybe. But it’s not even an option I can entertain the thought of.
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Bottom line is the person I love and I are separated physically for right now. It doesn’t make me love him any less…nor does it make me any less willing to fight for our relationship.
On 07/14/08 at 11:36 am
Karri said:
Sorry Ryan, but I’m with Trista on this one. Both parties have to exhibit far more trust and vulnerability when separated by miles. All too often we speculate how the other person is feeling or thinking because we lose out on the day to day, face to face interaction. It takes far more strength, endurance and communication to overcome the obstacles of a LDR!
On 07/14/08 at 12:14 pm
Ryan said:
C’mon ladies! Mine is the rational point of view! However blunt it may be.
On 07/14/08 at 12:23 pm
Trista said:
Not really. In your world no military couple would have a chance. Nor couples in which one has to travel for long periods of time for work for that matter.
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Yours is more like the lackadaisical perspective.
On 07/14/08 at 12:36 pm
Meghan said:
And as far as building brick walls and defenses, this point of view seems perfect for that. If you are constantly searching for something better you are never going to have to commit to opening yourself up to anyone.
On 07/14/08 at 1:34 pm
Ryan said:
Military couples and people that drive for work, can last because you “know” they are coming home. Way different! Historically, statistically, Rationally, LDRs do not work. And we cling to them for silly-ass reasons.
On 07/14/08 at 1:42 pm
Trista said:
Lumping together all long distance relationships is sort of ignorant. People are forced to be apart for all sorts of reasons…and choosing to stay together during an unavoidable separation shows a commitment…there’s nothing “silly-ass” about it.
On 07/14/08 at 3:03 pm
Karri said:
Pardon me, but I’d venture to guess that if you ask any woman who’s married to a man serving over seas what her number one concern is, it would be that he may NOT come home!
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I love statistics, please show me where you’re getting your information. From my own personal experience, having many long-distance relationships, I actually try harder rather than taking my beloved for granted. But this could also very well be a man/woman issue; women are historically, statistically and rationally better at warding off the temptation and boredom that can potentially be the detriment of a LDR.
On 07/14/08 at 11:43 am
Meghan said:
I’m with Trista here. There isn’t anything safe about going long distance. You don’t get Friday Date night with your partner, you don’t get that kiss before work and you have to nurture your connection in ways that express your commitment.
If Plan-B relationships are your fancy you can do that right at home with a girl who lives 2 blocks over.
On 07/14/08 at 11:53 am
Trista said:
Exactly. To me, plan B relationships = booty calls. I am just not interested.
On 07/14/08 at 10:54 am
Meghan said:
When I first moved to Boston I was still dating someone from Michigan. It was going well and I give him a lot of credit for not making me feel 800 miles away. Since I was poor AmeriCorps Recruit I actually took a 26 hr Greyhound trip home to see him…he flew out twice in 4 months. Ultimately, my decision that moving back to Michigan wasn’t something I was interested in caused it to end.
He was a lifer: went to college, graduated, got the job, get a wife, have a kid, paint a fence! Boom! After we broke he was engaged in 4 months…
On 07/14/08 at 11:18 am
Trista said:
I think that in order for it to make it there has to be an end point in sight. Eventually the distances must be permanently crossed…or what you have is little more than a very tight pen pal.
On 07/14/08 at 11:40 am
Meghan said:
End point agreed. I had a roommate who was in a ‘long term’ long distance that was pretty much a joke. The man moved all over the country for different reasons and jobs but never to our fair city for her. She was basically chasing him down like an Ambulance because she couldn’t let it go, and he gave her just enough to feed the idea it was how it had to be if she loved him.
You on the other hand are whipping out the stats! Much better head on your shoulders, I can see it right in that little box.
On 07/14/08 at 11:50 am
Trista said:
I am so OCD…I bring it with me everywhere I go! =P
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You can always count on me for chart, graphs, stats…and lists…man how I love to make lists!
On 07/14/08 at 11:54 am
Meghan said:
OCD, huh - do YOU start a new list if you don’t like something you wrote in the MIDDLE of a list. Or you make your number 7 funny. Cripes!
On 07/14/08 at 12:50 pm
Trista said:
nuh uh. But perhaps this is because all of my 7’s look funny…
On 07/14/08 at 3:14 pm
Rex said:
…you’re asking the wrong person. I’ll tell you what NOT to do: Don’t spend over 5,000 dollars on plane tickets, gifts sent via Priority Mail and phone bills.
It’s apparent I’ll never do it again.
On 07/14/08 at 3:16 pm
Trista said:
Ouch. How long did you do it for?
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Oh, and hi!!! I’ve missed you, punk.
On 07/14/08 at 3:28 pm
Rex said:
I’ve been hanging out with bisexual polyamorist females for the past four days, so sue me…
It was for eight months. Knew the girl over two years, however. We simply looked at each other in a different way one random day. Then we talked every single day on the phone when we couldn’t interact physically. Seriously… we never missed a day for that entire time. She wrote a letter, I wrote two. She sent me a package. I sent her ohhhhh, six? Over time, it became obvious I was the one who kept it going. She appeared to become more and more distant as time progressed, yet she claimed she wanted to see me for an extended period. A week after my long visit, we didn’t talk again.
I learned through the grapevine that about a month after my visit, she had a boyfriend.
So yeah. Fuck it.
On 07/14/08 at 3:34 pm
Trista said:
Ain’t no shame in having a vacation…I just missed you.
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Did you two have plans to close the gap ever…or was this an indefinite thing?
On 07/14/08 at 3:46 pm
Rex said: