Losing My Fear of the Storm

Fear is a slinking cat I find beneath the lilacs of my mind. ~Sophie Tunnell

For a very long time I thought that love meant surrender. It was the same scenario time and time again. I would be living my happy, single existence. Content with myself, pleased with the direction I was headed.

Enter stage left; “him.”

He wasn’t what I needed, but suddenly he was definitely what I wanted. Usually unattainable, which was all the better. Common phrases included but not limited to; “I could love you but…” and “I would be with you forever, if only…” The ellipsis can be replaced by all the reasons why I was not quite good enough, all the things that I should change to be the perfect “her” for “him.”

I tried to appease; I cannot lie. I would talk more softly; tread more lightly, for “him.” But one can only fight against their core for so long. Eventually all that bending and stretching beyond my own personal limitations would take me to my inevitable breaking point. And when the floodgates would open the relationships would be washed away in the wave of my bitterness and his disillusion.

Truth is, I am just a woman. A woman addicted to her coffee and her laptop. A woman with love for bad horror movies and good jazz music. A woman who still climbs up the slide and swings on the swing-set. A woman who will sometimes eat the peanut butter out of the jar and drink the last of the milk. A woman who will speak too loud, laugh too hard, say too much. Good with the bad, I am what I am; I cannot be customized.

Yes, I am just a woman, who will open up again when she finds exactly what she needs. And what do I seek? Just a man; no quotations needed, for he will come with no false pretenses. He will be a whole person, ready and willing to accept me as I am, and I shall return the favor wholeheartedly.

My next merging will be one that springs forth from truth…

Until then I am content to just keep growing.