Help! I need somebody
July 29, 2008 · Print This Article
In the wake of a few recent catastrophes I’ve come to an overwhelming realization that I’m not particularly fond of…I can not do it all alone. As much as I like to portray myself as an uber independent, self-sufficient woman who doesn’t need anyone’s help, that simply isn’t the case. We all need help; we all need to ask a favor or two now and again, but why is it so incredibly difficult to utter the phrase, “I need a favor“?
The obvious answer (in my pleasantly neurotic mind) is the dreaded “V” word. If I can’t manage to overcome an obstacle without someone else’s assistance, I feel as though I’m putting myself in the path of vulnerability…and quite frankly, me no likey! The flip side of that coin is that when I know someone is in distress, I do whatever I can to make things a little less difficult for them. It makes me happy, and I thrive on being of assistance to those in need… warm fuzzies all around. So why is it such a challenge for some of us to raise a hand, pick up the phone, and simply ask for what we can’t do ourselves?
Honestly, the notion that someone might perceive me as weak or needy is enough to keep me paralyzed with fear. Fear of being judged or worse…rejected! We’ve all experienced the inconvenient friend who sucks the very life out of us, and no self-respecting individual wants to be that person. But, perhaps these aren’t life leaches after all. Maybe they aren’t pitiful, co-dependent, weaklings, but rather they’re simply more evolved…stronger and more confident allowing them to simply be better at asking for the things they need. It’s a thought worth pondering.
So, as I stood amidst the carnage that was once my cute little convertible I was forced to face my fears, take a page from the “How to Ask for Help” book and stammer my way through “I need a favor” more times than I could possibly feel comfortable with. Lo and behold I was the recipient of caring, giving, generous friends and family who gladly went out of their way to help a damsel in distress.
Most of us give freely and without hesitation, yet very few actually ask others to do so…and that’s just selfish! Reciprocal REAL-ationships are the crux of our existence. If we can’t depend on those we want to depend on us, what’s the point in developing and nurturing relationships? We may as well become hermits and forego co-existing with humanity.
In the name of pushing boundaries, self-exploration and achieving goals, from this day forward I will attempt to speak up and lean on those who can lean on me. I can’t do it alone… I am not invincible, but if I’m lucky I’ll gain strength and wisdom…just by asking. Join me, won’t you?
On 07/29/08 at 4:25 am
PrincessQuello said:
I asked for help for the first time this year. I am a VERY proud person and have done things on my own…all the battles I’ve fought, I’ve had to fight on my own until recently. I have people in my life who are there for me unconditionally even if I don’t ask for help. These are the people who know me so well that they know I need help before I realize it…I don’t see it as vulnerability anymore…at least not when it’s with people that I trust.
As far as people outside that circle? It’ll still take an extreme circumstance before I ask for help.
I’m ALWAYS there for everyone, to a fault…and I’ve been taking advantage of more when I was the strong one because there are some people, who, instead of asking for help, choose to take advantage of your caring nature and bring you down in order to make themselves feel better. It doesn’t take care of their problem but it leaves you feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck. THOSE are the leeches.
xoxo
On 07/29/08 at 7:08 am
Karri said:
Congrats for asking girl! Remember, swallowing our pride and ego won’t kill us…as a matter of fact it will often strengthen our relationships.
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And here’s another one for you… “no one will ever take advantage of you, unless you let them!”
On 07/29/08 at 7:26 am
PrincessQuello said:
I know that saying…and I hold on to it whenever I feel myself getting weak. When you think you’re not worthy of real friendships, you let the leeches get to you..
But I’ve come a long way since then
On 07/29/08 at 7:33 am
Karri said:
The irony of that advice is that I think it keeps many of us from ever wanting to be thought of as one of those leeches. It’s a slippery slope, but it sounds as if you’re managing to maneuver it quite well, and that makes me happy!
On 07/29/08 at 4:40 am
Cassie said:
this hits a little too close to home!! I still have a LONG way to go towards accepting help, let alone asking for it!!
I am getting better at it though! I just hate feeling like I OWE someone. AND no matter how much I do for others, the smallest thing they do for me and feel I need to repay them somehow!!!
On 07/29/08 at 7:13 am
Karri said:
Here’s a game of semantics for you…would you rather ask for someone’s “help” or ask for a “favor”? In your mind is there a difference?
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Choose wisely m’friend, you’re settling a debate here.
On 07/29/08 at 7:28 am
Cassie said:
No, Karri…NO DIFFERENCE in my mind! A favor or help…all the same.
On 07/29/08 at 7:36 am
Karri said:
CRAP!
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I said I’d rather ask for a favor because it feels less weak and incapable. My opponent said that asking for help isn’t the same as asking for a favor and therefore no score is kept.
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And if you’re confused by all of that, you should’ve heard the conversation…OY!!!
On 07/29/08 at 8:24 am
Jime said:
For me, I think there is a difference between “a favor” and “help”. It’s a matter of degrees. A favor is something like when you’re on the phone and you need to grab a pencil to write something down, “Could you do me a favor and give me a minute to get a pencil?” Or if your cell phone battery runs out and you need to borrow a friends: “Could you do me a favor and let me use your cell so I can make a quick call?”
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“Help” is a tad more extreme. “My tire blew out on the 101 and I’m wrecked on the side of the road. Could you please help me?” Or, “I need to borrow $4000 to pay off some debt and keep me afloat. I’m good for it, I’ll pay you back–could you help me?”
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For me, it’s a matter of degrees.
On 07/29/08 at 8:35 am
Karri said:
Okay…I’ll see your degrees and raise you a scorecard.
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Do you think that either one, help or a favor, comes with the expectation that it should be reciprocated?
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I find it incredibly interesting that we all have our own interpretation of the two and I want to know why!
On 07/29/08 at 9:04 am
Jime said:
A scorecard, huh? I’m all in!
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I never think that anything in life should come with the expectation of reciprocation. Not one damn thing.
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Reciprocation is a gift. It is a blessing. Putting pressure on reciprocation, or making strings-attached will serve to diminish the generous nature of reciprocation. Reciprocation should be rewarded–not expected.
On 07/29/08 at 9:18 am
Karri said:
I wholeheartedly agree!
Sadly, there are those who don’t.
On 07/29/08 at 1:14 pm
Chris said:
Something I said to an older couple stuck on the side of the southbound I-710, after I changed the tire on their car for them, when the husband offered me a $20…
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“I feel really good about helping you. If I take your money, you’ll buy that feeling back from me… and it’s not for sale. If you really want to pay me back, just help the next 3 people you see stranded… even if it’s just paying for a tow to the nearest service station.”
On 07/29/08 at 1:51 pm
Jime said:
That’s awesome. Good attitude, Chris.
On 07/29/08 at 2:25 pm
Karri said:
I’m a fan of paying it forward. Good job m’dear!
On 07/29/08 at 8:08 am
Trista said:
This subject is very much tied to what I wrote about yesterday…trust. To ask is to trust and to have faith. So it is definitely something I have struggled with. I am now in the process of learning to ask for things: from my loved ones, from the world, from myself. And as my ability to do so expands, so does my universe.
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It’s actually pretty amazing…this asking stuff.
On 07/29/08 at 8:20 am
Karri said:
A favor, help, or a good night phone call…if we don’t trust ourselves enough to put it out there, others can’t ever possibly know what we need/want.
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Even if we find ourselves disappointed in the response at least we asked. You don’t know what you don’t know…and if we don’t ask, they don’t know.
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Thank you for rescuing me!!!
On 07/29/08 at 8:26 am
Kevin said:
I do not know how to ask for help, and it never crosses my mind to ask for it when I need it. I like that line, “If I have to go it alone, I’ll go it alone, I’ve done it before.” This independent behavior has run into some roadblocks. It may have begun when I was eight, both parents non-existent, working or out late, they were in their 20’s, and being the oldest I felt like an adult at a young age, people coming to me for advice, me looking over my mothers resume and providing her with corrections. It seemed to just come naturally, yet there is this tiny spec floating around somewhere inside me that secretly has wished I could be taken care of. If I look closely it is there, my circle, the trusted ones who know me so well telepathically seem to pick up on subtleties that they need to step in, and they do it with such finesse so as not to rock the boat, so much so that when they’re through I realize they just helped me without me asking for it. Of course I feel double crossed! Ha-ha. Anyway, it seems easier for me to offer help than ask for it. I’ll attempt to lift a whole couch myself until someone says, “Kevin you’re driving me nuts let me grab the other end.” I say, “Nooo I got it.” They firmly say, “No. You don’t. Let –me – help.” I do throw ideas and decisions at them to hear their feedback, maybe indirectly I’m asking for help in some form.
On 07/29/08 at 8:43 am
Karri said:
“It seemed to just come naturally, yet there is this tiny spec floating around somewhere inside me that secretly has wished I could be taken care of.” As the youngest of 5, I’ve always been the oldest in the sense of who gets taken care of. Perhaps the latch key had something to do with it…there was no one around to help.
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And I hate to break it to you kid, but as often as I’ve heard you say that you ask for feedback from your trusted circle, you really are asking them for help. Help to guide you in the right direction, help to ground you and keep you centered and focused, and help to remind you of who you really are and what you want. Embrace it…you’re lucky to have them!
On 07/29/08 at 9:57 am
Kevin said:
…and you are right then, that is my way of asking for help and we can’t do it alone. Even when not asking for help, we are being helped. Something about the way you said that was this great feeling of release.
On 07/29/08 at 10:40 am
Karri said:
Thanks, sweets. I’m glad I could help.
On 07/29/08 at 9:00 am
Carol said:
I wrote extensively about my “need” issues two months ago. Now,those little fuckers are rearing their ugly little heads again today. Truth is, I need rarely. And, I am okay needing others. It would be selfish to take all the joy of helping others and NOT allow others to have that same joy in helping me.
I have just grown so accustomed to doing it all on my own, that I don’t NEED as much as DESIRE someone to share the load.
On 07/29/08 at 9:19 am
Karri said:
“I have just grown so accustomed to doing it all on my own, that I don’t NEED as much as DESIRE someone to share the load.”
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A-FREAKIN’-MEN SISTER!!!
On 07/29/08 at 1:17 pm
Chris said:
“It would be selfish to take all the joy of helping others and NOT allow others to have that same joy in helping me.”
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And another Carolism that I am going to add to my lexicon.
On 07/29/08 at 9:29 am
PJ said:
I have no qualms about asking anyone for help. I believe I’ve earned it in moving favors alone. Do you know how heavy a washer and dryer are? I’m actually pretty lucky to have a great safety net in place, and proud to be part of a lot of other people’s. Only once has a favor come back to bite me, and that is too long of a story for this box.
On 07/29/08 at 10:20 am
Karri said:
PJ, this is one of those boxes that it’s okay to stretch…I’m just sayin’.
On 07/29/08 at 10:49 am
PJ said:
Sometimes you should read a sentence aloud before hitting the add comment button.
On 07/29/08 at 11:11 am
Karri said:
I did. Not funny? Hmmmph!
On 07/29/08 at 11:20 am
PJ said:
Oh no. It was very funny. And you better be careful, I just may take you up on that.
On 07/29/08 at 4:05 pm
Karri said:
Now that’s funny!
On 07/29/08 at 1:19 pm
Chris said:
<=== biting tongue
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Oh, why not, I’m going to hell, anyway…
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I’ll stretch your box for you!
On 07/29/08 at 2:26 pm
Karri said:
NOT my box, “this” box. As in the comment box…sheesh, people!
On 07/30/08 at 10:28 am
Chris said:
Just angling to sample that forbidden fruit, hon!
On 07/29/08 at 9:46 am
Dr. Joker said:
I would gladly help out anyone who uses the word “uber” so judiciously.
It is my nature.
That being said, trust is a big factor. I will graciously offer the shirt on my back to those I know who sincerely need it. But, at the moment I feel I have been taken advantage of or lied to, the well of good will runs dry and I become the villain in the story of those who play victim.
On 07/29/08 at 10:23 am
Karri said:
And I would reciprocate for “judiciously.”
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A vindictive villain or just a regular run of the mill villain?
On 07/29/08 at 9:59 am
Rev. Mitcz said:
Damn good article. Damn good points you’ve made there. I, too, have trouble leaning on others and try to go for long periods of time being the post for others to lean on. Now and then, however, life throws me a curveball and i shut down. That’s when I have to open up and admit “okay, this weight is a bit heavy to carry on my own”.
I have a few friends that have trouble accepting help. Perhaps I’ll just link them to this next time, and hope they get the point
On 07/29/08 at 10:29 am
Karri said:
Thanks Rev.! I have to wonder why we are often stronger for others than we are ourselves…thoughts?
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Please, link yourself silly…we quite like it!
On 07/29/08 at 10:13 am
Karl Rove said:
I never really thought about why I would rather inconvenience myself than ask for help. I think you explained it well.
On 07/29/08 at 10:30 am
Karri said:
I had a lot of time to ponder it while I was stuck in ‘da hood with gang bangers knocking on my car window.
On 07/29/08 at 10:14 am
Jime said:
There’s a man I respect who is a big techie–a theater technician. He designs sets, light and sound schemes for shows. Back in the day he would design setups for bands and used to work with people like U2 and Bon Jovi.
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Anyway, we worked together on several projects. Though I didn’t have to do any of that tech stuff, I liked to so I’d approach him and ask, “Can I help with anything?” Even though he knew (and I knew) that he could do anything there better and faster than I could–he would always find something for me to help him with.
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He would include me.
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His simple act of including me has built in me a tremendous amount of respect for him. Being able to do things on your own is all well and good, but it will separate you from the community. It is sometimes good to reach out if only to plug your life into others.
On 07/29/08 at 2:30 pm
Karri said:
A little shameless self promotion…
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http://www.usaweekend.com/diffday/honorees/2007/070415honorees.html
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Sometimes reaching beyond ourselves and connecting with others is what gives us the hope and inspiration to wake up each day.
On 07/29/08 at 2:51 pm
Meghan said:
There was nothing shameless about that…
On 07/29/08 at 3:38 pm
Jime said:
/agreed
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That’s freakin rad. You and Carol are getting it done!
On 07/29/08 at 3:43 pm
Karri said:
Stay tuned…I have plans swirling in my noggin’ for this year and don’t any of you think that you’ll get away with not participating.
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Errrr…I mean…I hope you can all find it in your hearts to help those in need.
On 07/29/08 at 3:53 pm
Jime said:
You mean to say…you need HELP? Sorry Charlie, you won’t get any help here. Guess you were misinformed, see, I’m a fair-weather friend and I see storm clouds on the horizon.
Juuust kidding, sweetie–this sounds like fun. Bring it!
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On 07/29/08 at 4:02 pm
Karri said:
I worked for a non-profit for years…I can beg for the greater good of others till the cows come home.
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Okay, but you’ve been warned it’s a doozie!
On 07/29/08 at 4:06 pm
Meghan said:
Yeah - moved to Boston to work for a non-profit…there isn’t a high horse I won’t cold call. Too bad I don’t bring that into my personal life…HOLY SHIT! Did I just land on an answer? That definitely felt like a kick in the ass!!!
On 07/29/08 at 4:17 pm
Karri said:
Welcome to the light! Well done, girl. Well done, indeed!
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Oh, and by the way…I felt that all the way over here.
On 07/29/08 at 4:35 pm
Meghan said:
It’s going to leave a mark.
On 07/29/08 at 6:27 pm
Jime said:
Doozie me!
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NPO work is all good. My buddy has one in San Francisco that I’ll occasionally give time to. It’s tough for all of us involved (we all have day jobs) but when the NPO work is about something you believe in, it makes the time well spent.
On 07/29/08 at 11:56 pm
Carol said:
I have some ideas, as well, Karri. I am hoping we talk soon about them…but AFTER I get through the next 100 hours. I need to get the new house ready and get moved out of this one.
On 07/29/08 at 10:38 am
Rex said:
What bothers me is when I offer my help to others (without any desire for reciprocation)… no one can be found when I need some serious assistance or support.
On 07/29/08 at 11:08 am
Karri said:
Those are lonely days indeed and I think we’ve all had them.
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I can’t help you move a couch or fridge from here, but I can always lend a couple of ears if you need them.
On 07/29/08 at 11:36 am
Rex said:
Can you even lift a couch or fridge? Just wondering.
On 07/29/08 at 11:42 am
Karri said:
As a matter of fact I can.
I might be small, but I’m scrappy!
On 07/29/08 at 12:43 pm
Rex said:
We shall see… soon!
Possibly.
Ask Trista for details.
On 07/29/08 at 2:43 pm
Karri said:
Possibly-Shmossbily.
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Just get your hiney down here already!
On 07/29/08 at 3:20 pm
Rex said:
As soon as my hiney’s LA quality.
OR!!!
Mid August.
Whichever happens first.
…my money’s on August.
On 07/29/08 at 3:43 pm
Karri said:
Pahleeze! If all hiney’s had to be LA quality, they would’ve never let me move in.
On 07/29/08 at 4:15 pm
Rex said:
uh huh. Don’t make me HELP you by checking out your butt and SUPPORT your esteem with a battery of compliments.
See?
Kept it on-topic.
On 07/29/08 at 4:17 pm
Karri said:
WOW…you’re good!
On 07/29/08 at 4:40 pm
Rex said:
…and it’s all online…
In person? Friggin’ TRANSCENDENT.
On 07/29/08 at 10:55 am
Karri said:
We just had a 5.8 earthquake here in LA.
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Is everybody okay?
On 07/29/08 at 11:01 am
Rex said:
Trista burped again, didn’t she?
I tell ya, the woman needs to release the pressure more regularly than keep it all bottled in… SERIOUSLY NOW, hope everyone’s OK.
On 07/29/08 at 11:06 am
Karri said:
The news is reporting people helping each other…oh, the irony.
On 07/29/08 at 11:32 am
Rex said:
ISN’T it ironic (don’t you think)???
On 07/29/08 at 12:08 pm
PJ said:
Let’s get all that earthquake nonsense over before Thursday, okay?
On 07/29/08 at 2:32 pm
Karri said:
You missed a good one fo’ sure!
On 07/29/08 at 3:15 pm
Rex said:
I actually like (non life-threatening) earthquakes. Weird yet true. I’d rather go through that natural disaster than a hurricane or tsunami. Actually, I’ve been through everything but a tsunami…