Holly Gowhoring
August 7, 2008 · Print This Article
Dear Eve,
I was wondering if you could tackle the playing the field issue.
I’m 23 and trying to play the field without coming off as a whore. I’m not sleeping with these guys. I’m getting to know them or at least trying to but in all honesty it seems like it takes forever to get to know if I really like one person so why not get to know all three and then pick the one I like the most.
I’ve been upfront with them. I’d just like your point of view.
-Treading the Field Lightly.
Dear Ms. Golightly,
Go, run, be free my child! In all honesty my little patchouli, it sounds as if you’ve already made your decision and you’re simply looking for validation from your…ehm…elders. And since I’m feeling extra special generous today I will indulge your insecurities and play Devil’s advocate.
At 23, you’re just a wee little whipper snapper. You’re smart enough to know that your reputation (and self-respect) is at stake if you get down-get funky with too many cats so I’ll assume you have some wits about you. And you’ve managed to land yourself 3 suitors so you’re more than likely a looker to boot. Congratulations love muffin, you have the makings of a top notch slutster. However, being as how you aren’t dropping your panties for Tom, Dick and Harry that simply makes you indecisive…as you very well should be at your age.
So you’ve been honest (good), you don’t want to be a whore (none of us do, sweetie), but you’re still feeling as though what…you’re doing something scandalous, why? Because we’re all aware of the archaic double standard that girls who date around (whether you boink the boys or not) will suffer the rumor mill and be dubbed slob monsters? Or do you feel guilty because you like Dick more than Harry and Harry more than Tom? Or do you fear wasting your precious youth?
Fine, so some people talk smack behind your back, girls get jealous and boys assume they’ll get their fingers wet if they buy you an ice cream cone…who cares? Chances are someday you’ll move to a land far, far away from these people and the opinions that matter today won’t hold an ounce of validity in 5 years. If you can look at yourself in the mirror and like what you see, that’s all that matters. (Unless of course you have some weird fascination with killing kittens or something…that is NOT okay!)
Now here’s where I’m going to kick your perky 23-year old ass, sweet cheeks. Mind you there is abso-freakin-lutely nothing wrong with taking your time getting to know someone before doing the hokey-pokey. That being said, do you honestly feel that you’re giving the three blind mice a fair shot at love? If so, not only are you lying to yourself, but you’re selfish too…‘cause it ain’t happening little one. Impossible. You can only spread yourself so thin; putting your phone on silent mode or sneaking off to text in the bathroom stall won’t be tolerated for long before someone feels gipped…and rightfully so. If you want to waste your time, knock yourself out. If your harem chooses to battle for your attention by spending their paychecks on cocktails instead of Wii, then they’re the dumbs and you win.
Listen, have some integrity, be honest, don’t play games and only sleep with boys who’ll respect you in the morning. Aaaand…good luck with all of that!
KISSKISS
LOVELOVE,
Eve
If you don’t care for Eve’s opinion stay tuned…tomorrow night on Eve-101 on TheStream.tv we will revisit your question with the “he said” version.
Meanwhile, readers, what say you? Should Ms. Golightly forego multiple dating for fear of whoredom, or should she continue on her quest to play the field leaving a wake of destruction in her path?
p.s.
For those of you (Trista) who decided yesterday that I should make us all new shirts… well, I love you and so I did..
(More styles and colors available)
Now, just click yourself on over to our Cafe Press store and get yourself one or two or dozen. You did after all request them and I did after all stay up past my bedtime to do it for you.
On 08/7/08 at 1:33 am
Rex said:
I don’t mind girls seeing other guys while spending time getting to know me. I mean I HATE IT. However there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s the way of the world. The one thing that pisses me off however is the INSIGHT I receive from her about the other dudes.
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What the shit is that?!
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p.s. I went out last night with TWO chicas and had Jager (bleh), (actual) iced tea and some vodka… and neither one attempted to molest me. wtf. So much for those slutty early 20-somethings.
On 08/7/08 at 6:05 am
Karri said:
Honey, you need to tell her to shut her face…SERIOUSLY. Not only is that immature, it’s just mean. And we no likey mean girls!
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p.s.
They’re at the other bar drinking draft beers and tequila shots, silly.
On 08/7/08 at 1:06 pm
Rex said:
You don’t understand. I get that from nearly all the women I’ve dated or simply hang out with. I honestly think they think I’m GAY because I haven’t laid a hand on their Betsy Ross or her Susan B. Anthonys. The only women who don’t appear to think that way AND keep their mouths shut about their exploits? THE ELDERS.
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p.s.I almost had tequila FOR THE FIRST TIME last night. Should have done that. Damn. However, I wasn’t in a controlled environment… I don’t want to have a possible negative reaction to the shit in a very public setting. “Holy shit. Do we need to call an Exorcist?!”
On 08/7/08 at 2:04 pm
Karri said:
Which elder are you referring to? Because I’m at the age that any time I can get a hot piece of ass it’s brag worthy. Things aren’t the way they used to be grasshopper.
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Puke on tequila once and you’ll never drink it again. Save yourself the hangover and stick to vodka.
On 08/7/08 at 2:18 pm
Rex said:
Well it’s a damn good thing I don’t have your number then! I read a text from you… OMG, I met this one guy at the gym… He had me speaking Cantonese. It was THAT. GOOD.
On 08/7/08 at 2:20 pm
Karri said:
Ummm…the gym? Big building with treadmills and weights and such?
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Ya, you don’t have to worry about that text!
On 08/7/08 at 2:49 pm
Rex said:
Don’t forget the sweaty stench!
On 08/7/08 at 4:14 pm
Karri said:
How can I possibly forget it, it won’t leave me alone!
On 08/7/08 at 5:13 am
Sarahh said:
You wanna know why you have been called names? Because you are going outside the norm. And people hate that.
“They” hate different things, and different people. And most ignorant people when fear hits, the only thing they know to do is to call names. Tsk tsk.
Do you really care what these people say about you? You are 23 right? **lesson alert**
Unless you ARE what they call you, stop listening to others when they make assumptions or lie about you. Are these whorecallers going to find you a mate? No. So two words. Lettit Go.
Do your thing, be happy, be smart, and have fun.
Keep your ears where they belong, away from the haters and to your heart and your head.
On 08/7/08 at 5:20 am
Phoenix said:
I couldn’t agree more with Sarahh.
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The only thing that I would add is to read “Cunt: A Declaration of Independence” by Inga Muscio as soon as possible. It will change your life.
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p.s. You go girl!
On 08/7/08 at 6:11 am
Karri said:
Okay, P, that’s the second time I’ve seen you recommend that book, I guess I better make a trip to B & N.
On 08/7/08 at 6:34 am
Phoenix said:
Yep. It’s like the bible of female freedom.
On 08/7/08 at 8:30 am
Jime said:
I’m gonna have to check into this. The best offense is a good defense, right? Er…or is it the other way around? Maybe the best defense is being literate. Lol. While we’re on the topic, looking into Women Who Run With the Wolves is a good idea. That’s a great collection of stories that have affected the woman archetype over time.
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And now I will take my balls out of my purse and affix them back onto my crotch. Where they belong.
On 08/7/08 at 8:37 am
Phoenix said:
There is no defense necessary.
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The book is not about man-hating. Only about woman-loving, so I actually recommend that men read it too.
On 08/7/08 at 9:24 am
Jime said:
Coolness. I’m all about woman-loving, if you know what I’m sayin’.
On 08/7/08 at 9:31 am
Phoenix said:
No, not really.
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Could you describe that…in detail?
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(sorry I couldn’t resist the temptation :p)
On 08/7/08 at 9:52 am
Jime said:
Bwahaaa. I admire those with who possess low tolerance for temptation only when I am the subject of said temptation.
On 08/7/08 at 6:57 am
Sarahh said:
Googling it as we speak…
Thanks!
On 08/7/08 at 3:52 pm
Marian said:
I’m going to have to check that out as well. I’ve heard about it on a forum at some point and in passing.
On 08/7/08 at 6:10 am
Karri said:
Great advice, girl! There is no sense in following the heard. We should all blaze our own trails as long as we do it with respect and integrity.
On 08/7/08 at 7:23 am
Jime said:
You used my favorite word. TWICE!
On 08/7/08 at 7:29 am
Karri said:
What can I say, I’m feeling wild and crazy.
On 08/7/08 at 6:24 am
Cassie said:
I got nothing…just saying HI!!!
On 08/7/08 at 6:39 am
Karri said:
Good morning sunshine!
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Have we left you speechless?
On 08/7/08 at 6:29 am
Gropey The schitzo clown said:
The problem is not that your necessarily whorish…it’s just that you’ll be percieved that way. Weather or not you spread your legs for the guys you date or not…if you’re out multiple nights with different gus in the same places…people are going to assume you’re a whore. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing…look at the brightside… if people assume you’ll sleep with them it will open the door to a whole new wave of date ready males. Bottom line…you can do whatever the fuck you want… but if you don’t have the ego strength to deal with people who don’t approve of your lifestyle… you might wanna think of a way to be a little more discreet.
On 08/7/08 at 6:42 am
Karri said:
I think discretion flew out the window the moment she opted for honesty. At the very least her mens all know about each other and that in itself is enough to kick the rumor mill into high gear. As soon as one of these guys gets jealous his mouth will start yappin’ about what a slut she is. Don’t
‘cha think?
On 08/7/08 at 6:45 am
Trista said:
Wait…so we can’t be honest and discreet?
On 08/7/08 at 6:52 am
Sarahh said:
Nope. Well you can, but good luck.
I have seen multiple people at once and unless it becomes a relationship with either, then why do you have to disclose?
And once you do, the game changes. The guys will either tire of not being the main guy or will attempt to “win” or “compete” then you aren’t dating a guy you are dating a competitor.
I can’t say that is the case for all men, but most of the one’s I know.
Hell, most women would act that way.
If you aren’t sleeping with them, then my advice is too keep it to yourself. Unless of course they are related.
Then tell at least one of them.
On 08/7/08 at 6:58 am
Trista said:
Personally, I think you can be honest and tell people that you are casually dating, non-exclusive…but then not kiss and tell per say. Because not disclosing all your info doesn’t make you dishonest…it’s just no ones business, so there is nothing wrong with showing some discretion.
On 08/7/08 at 7:04 am
Karri said:
Oooooh…I get it. A half-discretion. Like a half-truth.
On 08/7/08 at 7:05 am
Gropey The schitzo clown said:
You can be discreet if you live in a metroploitan area or you date outside of your community. BUt if you’re living in average size town of a 150.00 or less… peopl are going to find out about (what is percieved to be ) your whoring ways.
On 08/7/08 at 7:10 am
Karri said:
Unless you’re a basement dweller.
On 08/7/08 at 7:14 am
Trista said:
Karri - its not a half truth. Nor is it half discretion. If we talk and you ask me about my day and I fail to tell you who I went to lunch with did I just tell you a half truth? We aren’t obligated to give all our details to everyone all the time. It doesn’t make us liars.
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Gropey - we will agree to disagree. I don’t know what the circus tent you live in is like, but out here in the the burbs of LA we don’t even pay attention to our neighbors’ comings and goings…much less strange girls at the local TGI Fridays.
On 08/7/08 at 7:28 am
Karri said:
In certain circumstances when we deliberately only reveal a portion of the truth in order to avoid divulging the reality…it’s a lie.
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If you don’t tell me who you went to lunch with, it doesn’t matter. But, if you went to lunch with my ex-husband and purposefully did not to tell me you’d be omitting details in order to avoid the entire truth. Which is a lie, a lie of omission perhaps, but a lie nonetheless.
On 08/7/08 at 7:34 am
Trista said:
But that isn’t discretion by definition so who exactly are you arguing with? Mirriam Webster?
On 08/7/08 at 7:39 am
Trista said:
Although technically, knowing you would probably kick my butt if I hung with hubby one…it might be showing good judgment on my part to not tell you…which is, by definition, discretion.
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But I wouldn’t have shown discretion in going in the first place.
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This is fun! And I haven’t even had coffee yet! Which reminds me…
On 08/7/08 at 7:43 am
Karri said:
I’m not arguing with anyone.
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My point is this…if we exhibit discretion in order to protect ourselves or someone’s feelings or whatever the reason may be…if it’s not a lie, then why do we feel guilty or fear that person finding out the entire truth?
On 08/7/08 at 7:50 am
Trista said:
But that isn’t exhibiting discretion! I think that is my point here in the end…this argument comes down to you and I not agreeing on what discretion is. To me if you are lying or sneaking around out of a sense of self-preservation…you aren’t being prudent, you aren’t showing good judgment…you aren’t being discreet. You’re just shady.
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I just believe in calling a spade a spade. And if this girl above choses to be honest about seeing multiple people, but not divulge in details…that isn’t a half truth. It’s simply showing discretion.
On 08/7/08 at 8:00 am
Karri said:
Just for shits-n-giggles, what does this sentence mean to you…
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“Throwing all discretion to the winds, he blurted out the truth.”
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Oh, and p.s.
I freely give you permission to have lunch with my first ex-husband any ‘ol time you like. And you don’t even have to tell me about or use discretion!
On 08/7/08 at 8:06 am
Trista said:
“In a rather irresponsible manner, he thoughtlessly blurted out the truth.”
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Eh…I don’t like cheaters. They don’t show any discretion. =)
On 08/7/08 at 8:10 am
Karri said:
HAHAHAHHAAA!!!
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Damnit, really? I’d always thought of myself as a discrete cheater…you know, when I did that sort of thing.
On 08/7/08 at 7:51 am
Jime said:
I agree with this. The reason is that if you are honest and straightforward it provides the man with an “out”. It gives him the choice to stay or walk. That is totally fair.
On 08/7/08 at 6:54 am
Karri said:
No, I’m saying that discretion would imply being somewhat private about her actions, and if she’s being honest with everyone that isn’t exactly keeping the cat in the bag now is it?
On 08/7/08 at 6:46 am
Gropey The schitzo clown said:
Are you saying men are more apt to gossip about a supposed whore than women? I certainly think not… and besides…men usually think kindly of whores.
On 08/7/08 at 6:55 am
Sarahh said:
I think men are just as likely to gossip when it comes to loose women.
And who wants to date a guy that wants to see you based on your supposed “looseness”
NEW WORD - LOOSENESS
On 08/7/08 at 7:03 am
Gropey The schitzo clown said:
Dude… every guy who ever bought you flowers…brought you chocalates or asked for your number was seeing you because they hoped beyon hope that you were looser than NAFTA restrictions.
On 08/7/08 at 7:12 am
Sarahh said:
Bwahahaha… This is true.
On 08/7/08 at 6:58 am
Karri said:
Noooo…I’m not saying that either. Geezus, am I having a communication issue here this morning?
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I in no way compared men to women in terms of which gender is more apt to gossip. I simply said that if one of her boys gets duped and his little ego gets bruised, it’s doubtful he’ll have anything nice to say about her.
On 08/7/08 at 7:06 am
Gropey The schitzo clown said:
All things can be forgiven with a blow job
On 08/7/08 at 7:09 am
Karri said:
She’s not blowing any of them, but I’d put my money on rumors saying that she did. Guys will lie and say they banged a chick whereas girls will lie and say they’re still virginal’ish.
On 08/7/08 at 7:41 am
Gropey The schitzo clown said:
perhaps in the interest of being discreet… she should blow them all…quitely of course
On 08/7/08 at 7:28 am
Jime said:
This doesn’t fly with me. If a woman wants to see other men while seeing me I say: “Go. Be free. Best of luck to ya.” I cannot abide wasting my time on that nonsense and I’m not here to compete. Either you want me or two fingers, late. (Which I know from yesterday is a phrase you lovely ladies prolly hate as much as “peace out”).
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/chuckle
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But I wouldn’t be mean about it. I mean, to each her own, right? I could still be friends with somebody like that (and have been) but would have to offer any affections from the distance of friendship.
On 08/7/08 at 7:38 am
Karri said:
I’ve been a multiple dater. And it stands to reason that if we’re only casually dating someone and another comes along that we’re interested in there may be some overlap. However, I also believe that as we get older we realize the importance and sanctity of spending quality time with just one person at a time.
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So now I set timelines…if by X date we aren’t exclusive, it’s time to move on. Easy peasy.
On 08/7/08 at 8:04 am
Jime said:
I get the whole exclusive thing, and I agree that until exclusivity is agreed upon then free-dating is fair game. In theory I agree to that, as a general standard for the rest of the world to follow. However in practice (just for me) I hold myself to a stricter standard and know that if another guy blunders along then I’d rather walk than play the competition game.
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On the other foot, from my perspective if I am dating a woman and another woman saunters into my sights, I will not pursue her no matter how attracted to her I am. One woman at a time. One focus at a time. Any other way would diminish the love for me. As you said (and I completely agree) there is “importance and sanctity with spending quality time with just one person at a time.”
On 08/7/08 at 8:12 am
Karri said:
So if you’re only casually dating someone you won’t even ponder another?
On 08/7/08 at 8:14 am
Jime said:
Naw. Why bother? Bear in mind that I am extremely choosy and if I’m “casually dating” anybody it’s for a good reason.
On 08/7/08 at 8:17 am
Karri said:
hmmmm…
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I heard those words once from someone I was casually dating who wouldn’t remove their on line dating profile. Sorry, I digress.
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I like your integrity my friend!
On 08/7/08 at 8:19 am
Jime said:
THRICE!
On 08/7/08 at 8:22 am
Jime said:
I’ve removed my online dating profile for a lover before. It was not any kind of problem at all–in truth I had totally forgot about the site and hadn’t been checking up on it. The guy you were dating who wouldn’t remove the profile…hm…sounds fishy to me. Red flag.
On 08/7/08 at 8:23 am
Phoenix said:
Integrity: 1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
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So if my morals include being able to date multiple people, or even (GASP!) sleep with multiple people and I’m being honest with them about it and they are all informed consenting adults…do I still have integrity???
On 08/7/08 at 8:45 am
Jime said:
Yes. Certainly. Integrity is different for everyone because everybody has a different set of standards that they hold theirself to.
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Now, according to the example above, let’s say your morals limit you to dating people only in multiples. If that were the case, and you decided to date just one person–I’d say you have an integrity problem there.
On 08/7/08 at 8:36 am
Phoenix said:
“that if another guy blunders along then I’d rather walk than play the competition game.”
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But does it really have to be a competition?
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Here’s a big WHAT IF. What if the love for one person was not diminished by the love for a second, third, etc.
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What if having multiple people in your romantic life didn’t mean that you were taking anything away from any of them. I mean you can have more than one best friend(and at the same time even), or more than one child that you love equally as the others, so what if it could work that way for a lover as well???
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I’m not saying it’s possible…I guess I’m just wondering why it’s not. Maybe the only thing stopping it from happening is our preconcieved notions about what is and isn’t possible…..
On 08/7/08 at 9:03 am
Jime said:
Philosophically I say that what you are describing is possible. This is what is referred to as the mythical “4th Level of Love”, a level that only people like Buddha, Gandhi and Mother Theresa have attained where love can be given freely and equally to all. I do not deny its existence–I merely deny it’s existence inside of me.
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I am not so enlightened. I am no saint. Alas, I am not Cordelia (who could not play the game and describe how much her love exceeds that or Regan and Goneril). I am a possessive, greedy slice of man-meat. I do not believe that the love one person extends will not be diminished if another comes into play. I believe in cause and effect (this belief is entirely subjective and biased). And the effect of dating somebody else while dating me is that I walk, lol.
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I do not think you can have more than one “best” friend. By definition the word best elevates that one special person above all others. I do not think people love all their children equally. I think there is a favorite. By the by, I love what you are saying, it sounds fantastic, but so does communism and the fact is that it only works on paper. Humanity gets in the way.
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Again, I do not discount the possibility that I may be wrong. I’m just a man with an opinion.
On 08/7/08 at 9:12 am
Prophet said:
<——– this guy…would give you a standing ovation… if he wasn’t lazy and generally speaking, quite cranky.
On 08/7/08 at 9:15 am
Jime said:
I’d give myself an ovation, too, if I had been able to read all those words before falling asleep.
On 08/7/08 at 7:53 am
Kevin said:
I agree with Eve…this scenario is all too familiar of circumstances I’ve found myself in at one time or another, however this chick is 23, this is the time to be doing what she’s doing. The early 20’s is the time to figure it out, test the merchandise, play the field…but…she is also an adult, and at the same time does need to adopt restraint, dignity and integrity like you