How to make a sexual sundae…
July 23, 2008 · Print This Article
Welcome to “He said, She said”, where we take a common question or topic and see if members of the opposite sex can get on the same page, or if they’ll have to agree to disagree.
Today’s Topic: One partner likes their sex simple, the other with a side of kink…can they both find satisfaction in their sex life?
He said:
I can’t help but feel like the wording for this delicate question is a bit vague. “Side of kink” can be many things. One person’s “barely kinky” is another person’s “oh HELL no!”
Maybe you’re a female who likes it rough - biting, slapping, choking - and your new man just doesn’t get rough enough. Most of the time, this is because some men think it’s “degrading” to treat a woman that way.
Truth is, it’s only degrading if they don’t want that.
It’s more degrading to assume a woman shouldn’t have her own sexual appetite that includes things society might scoff at - or that she can’t handle “the rough stuff” simply because of her gender.
Getting someone who doesn’t understand the fun of playful degradation in bed to suddenly agree, however, can be nigh impossible.
If you’re in that situation, it can be tricky. The reason women I’ve known want a rougher sort of play is because they like the idea of domination and having someone else take control. Telling your man “I want you to take control” can, understandably, defeat the purpose - but if you really want this to work, you have to give it a shot.
Example : want to see if your girl might be down with being choked? Put your hand on her neck next time you’re gettin’ down, and lightly squeeze. If she leans her head back to give you more neck to play with, squeeze a little harder. Everything in moderation, people. For females - try taking his hand and putting it on your neck and squeezing your hand over his.
To answer the actual question - can they find satisfaction in their sex life? Sure. Will it be the “ultimate satisfaction” that they need? Only if everyone’s needs are met. If you’re thinking “golly, if only my partner would do X in bed” and you’ve done all you could to get X to happen and it doesn’t? Move on and find someone new.
My rule is this : if the person you’re with doesn’t fulfill your needs in every way - why are you wasting the time you could be spending looking for someone better?
There’s an effectively limitless number of fish in the sea of life.
I interview people about their sex lives as a side project of mine, and the fetishes they don’t normally reveal to people runs the gamut from analingus to brown showers and back again. There’s a fucked-up little flower for everyone, believe me.
She said:
Now, normally I would share the sentiments of my “he” man up there…but I have recently turned over a new leaf and entered into the land of positivity.
Yes, folks…I now believe that ANYTHING is possible…and that includes creating sexual compatibility out of nada. What can I say, at 31 I now know the power of love can conquer all just like I know one day I will have a pet unicorn named Sarsaparilla and I will ride him for morning tea with Snargles the friendly neighborhood forest troll. What is it The Secret teaches us…”thoughts become things”? Yep, so believe your man of disappointment is actually Mandingo Warrior and your hootenanny will surely thank you for your new outlook on life.
So anyhow, I say yes! Vanilla and rocky road can come together and make a lovely sexual sundae! And now I am going to tell you how…
First off, let’s focus on the natural inclination of the fairer sex. We girls have an innate need to fix things…let’s go with that. Because really, is there a more valuable way to spend our time than turning our men into custom-built sex-stallions? My vagina can’t think of one, and when it comes to sex I tend to let my vagina do the thinking. As women we are really good at being passive aggressive… so lets use our abilities for tangible gains, ladies!
Now men will do practically anything for the poon-tang. Think of them as a puppy with a ferocious hankering for a liver treat…only substitute cooter for liver treat and your man-child for the puppy…see, it’s not so much of a stretch, is it? What, your snatch isn’t chopped liver? Hmm…good point. But back to MY point…these creatures are highly trainable when you are wagging a va-jinga in their hungry little faces. We can all learn a lesson from the theory behind Pavlov’s Dog…I’m not sure what that is but it’s there. Do what has to be done now… so that you don’t have to put the ol’virginia on Paxil…it’s sad but true, no one likes the pouty lips look downstairs.
Look. Sex is just like anything else…the more you do it, the better at it you shall become. So while sex with your partner may be bland as tapioca now, with a little time and a lot of effort, you can create butterscotch?!?! Yeah…definitely butterscotch, mmmh.
As far as WHAT to teach your lovin’ man to do…well m’ladies, that is a matter of personal preference. You can steer your steed any which way you choose…because men don’t really care how they are getting their orgasm from you, as long as they’re getting good ones. Give a dog a bone and your old man will come rollin’ home…notice that this little rhyme does not distinguish what brand. Why? Because the damn dog doesn’t care…he just wants to get some bone…in’…er…yeah…
Besides, just think of the bond and the intimacy that will exist betwixt the two of you after you’ve taken this journey together. Amazing, right? It brings a tear to mine formally cynical eye just thinking about it. Trust me, it really can work out; with a little determination and some faith love can blossom where it once was arid, an old dog can really learn a new trick and a down trodden beaver can finally get it’s fill of some good wood.
Of course the writer doesn’t really believe any of this horse shit. I mean, I suppose perhaps if my current relationship didn’t work out I might TRY to amend my three strikes you’re out sex policy…but luckily I don’t have to worry about that right now. I mean, no sexual compatibility…what a cr…er…azy way to grow together as a couple! Yeah, that’s it! Sorry. Best of luck to you…just keep your vibrators handy and your battery closet stocked…you know, just in case your thoughts of Mandingo yield nothing but mediocre returns.
Our guest writer Rev. Mitcz is a comedian and internet super stud residing in Hollywood, CA. Make sure to pay him a visit here!
On 07/22/08 at 9:12 pm
Trista said:
Mmmmm…butterscotch!
On 07/22/08 at 9:16 pm
Bumble-B said:
Butterscotch is highly overrated. I find that the cinnamon cream flavor is highly rewarding. A joyous treat for one’s palate. I also enjoy giving ATM and walking my dog, Splooge, on the beach. So maybe you should call me…I’ll expand your flavor horizons.
On 07/22/08 at 9:18 pm
Trista said:
Depends…can I play with your Splooge? Cuz I bet your Splooge is as sweet as you are, Mr. Bumble, sir.
On 07/23/08 at 7:17 pm
Dr. Joker said:
Dammit. I was eating when I read this comment.
I picked the wrong time to eat a Snack Pack.
On 07/23/08 at 7:34 pm
Trista said:
What’s up, chuckles? I am so glad to see you over here!
On 07/25/08 at 11:02 am
troy said:
I *also* luv me some butterscotch!
is your imagination running as wild as mine?
On 07/23/08 at 5:53 am
Phoenix said:
A) Butterscotch? Blech!
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B) How do I know butterscotch is blech? Because I tried it of course. Enough to know I never want it again.
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C) This can lead to a problem if my man wants me to eat butterscotch to please him.
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D) I have to agree with the “he said” up there. If you and your partner are into sex (duh!) and you aren’t sexually compatible, whats the point?
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E)I know from personal experience that you can find someone who is into the most important things that you are into. And I’ve also had someone who was into butterscotch, which could never work for me, unless I faked it, and that’s not good for my anyone, because if theres anything worse than real butterscotch, it’s fake butterscotch, kwim?.
On 07/23/08 at 7:25 am
Trista said:
You have a point…nobody enjoys phony butterscotch.
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I just had to argue…because, well, I needed the challenge.
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FYI, I don’t really think I am really going to own a unicorn either.
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But I am still holding out for a pony…
On 07/23/08 at 7:35 am
Cassie said:
It would be nice to have sexual compatibility with a guy….guess I’ll have to keep looking until I find it!!! LOL
On 07/23/08 at 7:48 am
Trista said:
Or get a young one and train ‘em!
.
What, what did I say?
On 07/23/08 at 9:49 am
Cassie said:
Tried that….worked really good until he had to move outta state!!!!
On 07/23/08 at 10:05 am
Trista said:
Sigh…story of my life.
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But on the upside it made for really great vacation sex when I visited him!
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Get on a plane, woman! =)
On 07/23/08 at 7:41 am
Karri said:
WELL DONE!
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I have to wonder if the incompatibility that some couples may face is related more to mental inhibitions rather than lack o’ skill. Whatcha’ think?
On 07/23/08 at 7:54 am
Trista said:
I thought we could use some funny, baby.
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I definitely think that the mental component is the MOST important aspect to sexual compatibility.
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Just plain lack o’ skill is a matter of practice…but a mental block is a MUCH bigger deal…in my opinion.
On 07/23/08 at 8:47 am
Jime said:
Some of this could be inhibitions, but I think most are mental inflexibilities. Anybody can do anything they take the time to learn and choose to. It’s the “choosing to” part that seems to stick in peoples craw.
On 07/23/08 at 8:51 am
Trista said:
Fear of the unknown perhaps?
On 07/23/08 at 8:51 am
Meghan said:
Exactly. The mental aspect is one that has to be conquered by the individual…it’s just two bodies working together (and maybe a few other items). But they have to be willing to work it.
On 07/23/08 at 9:00 am
Jime said:
Perhaps there is a fear of the unknown…personally I’ve never understood that concept. I think it is the opposite of fear of the unknown for some people, more like an unwarranted comfort with the known and what they think works. Stagnation. Lack of the inertia to keep learning, to keep driving toward new things, to keep popping new neuron connections. Meghan said it succinctly: “They have to be willing to work it.”
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You can’t make a person be flexible. They have to do that themselves.
On 07/23/08 at 9:09 am
Meghan said:
cough..YOGA..cough. :p
On 07/23/08 at 9:12 am
Trista said:
I speak Pilates myself…
On 07/23/08 at 9:25 am
Jime said:
Feldenkrais anyone?
On 07/23/08 at 10:31 am
Carol said:
I don’t do either…but both my legs can still stretch to put both ankles behind my ears. Must be sex-lates, or something!
On 07/23/08 at 7:18 pm
Dr. Joker said:
Sex-lates? Don’t they sell those at Starbucks?
Extra sugar, please.
On 07/23/08 at 9:11 am
Trista said:
True. But there is a difference between laziness and uneasiness. I think when it comes to sex, many people stick with what they know partially because they are afraid to try something new and “fail” at it…to not be “good”…to look the fool…And another issue is the massive fear of rejection, should our partner tell us that what gets us hot is abnormal or odd in any way.
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Sex is such a head game…I just think sometimes stagnation comes not just from laziness, but also fear of rocking the boat.
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Putting yourself out there is difficult. Putting yourself out there when you are naked though…a lot scarier. We just feel more vulnerable with our pants down.
On 07/23/08 at 9:32 am
Meghan said:
Yes, nobody wants to ‘look the fool’…I think some people think they should be having sex and look like porn stars every time. You aren’t going to look like a pro on every move because you aren’t doing it to get paid. You’re doing it to please and be pleased and grow in your relationship.
On 07/23/08 at 9:12 am
Karri said:
Or…it’s fear of what is already known. The fear of getting close, letting someone in and potentially having that connection cast away into the vortex of failed loves.
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We can all go through the motions of sexuality, but true intimacy takes time, patience and a huge leap of faith. And lets face it, sexy time is always better when the heart and mind collide with our nether regions.
On 07/23/08 at 9:17 am
Trista said:
Fear of intimacy can definitely be a part of this…but I am thinking more of a fear of vulnerability. People have a tendency to get good at something and stick with it…to play it safe. But you can’t do that in a LTR and expect things to not stagnate.
On 07/23/08 at 9:48 am
Jime said:
Those are excellent points from the both of ya’ll. Both “fear of failure” and “fear of getting close and being hurt” are valid and real. I think one problem is that people tend to view failure as a bad thing. For me failure is the great thing. I fail every day and I love it. Every time I work out, the failure of my muscles make them stronger. Every time I paint, the failure of my brushes teach me a different approach. It is a blessing, not a curse. Failure leads to success.
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Anyway, I agree that you can’t play it safe in a LTR. And if you ever find that somebody who can twist your soul and keep it fresh and make you do the same for them…hold on.
On 07/23/08 at 9:59 am
Trista said:
I love, love, love your attitude and approach to “failure.” I am going to take that with me today, if you don’t mind…
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And yes, we need to cling to those soul shakers that come into out lives with everything we have got.
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Man! You have no idea how much this comment moved me…thank you Jime.
On 07/23/08 at 10:25 am
Jime said:
Aw, you brought a tear to my eye. You’re most welcome.
On 07/23/08 at 10:26 am
Carol said:
And if you ever find that somebody who can twist your soul and keep it fresh and make you do the same for them…hold on.
Okay, Miss T…that is probably the official “favorite comment” in a very long time for me. Wow. Twist my soul and keep it fresh….*shivers*
On 07/23/08 at 7:20 pm
Dr. Joker said:
Wait…are we talking about souls or lemons here?
When life gives you lemons….
On 07/23/08 at 7:23 pm
Trista said:
Throw them at door to door solicitors?
On 07/23/08 at 9:06 am
Jime said:
And, yes Meghan, I caught your “and maybe a few other items”. You sick, twisted puppy. I LOVE it.
On 07/23/08 at 9:44 am
Carol said:
I caught that, too, Jime…and, well, I smiled!
On 07/23/08 at 7:48 am
lisaq said:
Sexual incompatibility=bad sex whatever the flavor. Just this morning I had an email from a friend who felt terrible for wanting to ditch her new guy because he just wasn’t giving her what she knows she wants in bed. WTF? Run girl, run! If it ain’t happenin’, well it just ain’t happenin’…
On 07/23/08 at 8:05 am
Trista said:
I agree…to a point. And all jokes aside, I really did used to toss aside a guy when he couldn’t be the perfect yin to my yang right away. But in my older years I have realized that good sex can become great sex can become mind blowing out of this world sex over time.
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But the mental compatibility HAS to be there and a willingness to grow with and for your partner has to be there.
On 07/23/08 at 7:23 pm
Dr. Joker said:
Agreed…to a degree. Some people are willing to learn, and enthusiastically I might add. Unfortunately, others are set in their ways and are not willing to ‘expand their horizons’. If they are that stagnant now, imagine where they will be in 10yrs.
On 07/23/08 at 11:51 am
Rev. Mitcz said:
I don’t know that I agree that just because she’s not getting what she wants in bed - it’s time to sever ties. If she hasn’t made ANY attempts to let him know what she needs/wants, then it’s not really his fault.
As I said above - if you want it to work, you have to at least give it a shot. If it still doesn’t go, or your sexual tastes are just TOO different? Then fuck it, move along. You can’t change someone’s tastes, that’s their own to decide.
On 07/23/08 at 7:24 pm
Dr. Joker said:
Amen
On 07/23/08 at 8:49 am
Meghan said:
I think sexual compatibility, especially with a new partner deserves the chance to grow. Of course that requires a call to that nasty relationship bitch ‘communication’! You have the chance to grow sexually with every new relationship.
Depending on your needs, or the needs/wants of your last sexual partner, either person may be weary to ask for what they think it’s going to take to get a better sexual groove going.
The worst you can hear is ‘no’, and at least then you’ll have an idea where you stand. But if they don’t say ‘no’, and run for the hills, allow some of that time and training.
On 07/23/08 at 9:04 am
Trista said:
Indeed, communication is going to play a big role, which is a big part of why the sex can get better as the relationship grows. You are better at communicating, therefore you are getting your needs and desires across to your partner, and IF they are open and willing to try things that are new and different out for you, fantastic.
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But the flat out “no” I have issue with. Things that are dangerous to you physically or psychologically aside, we should all be willing to expand our horizons with our loving, trusted partners.
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I read “vanilla” to be basic…not closed off. Basic I can work with.
On 07/23/08 at 9:13 am
Meghan said:
I’ve heard the flat out ‘no’ before, followed by ‘Thats never going to happen.’ And it wasn’t anything Crazy, just something to add to the routine.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone that could be so closed down in the sexual aspects of their relationship is going to have problem areas in others. That lack of negotiation or willingness to explore is going to come up again - and not in the bedroom.
On 07/23/08 at 9:18 am
Trista said:
That’s just damn selfish…and who wants that?
On 07/23/08 at 7:26 pm
Dr. Joker said:
I can work with vanilla…but if it gets to a point where they are telling me “You’ll take pistachio and like it!” then I’m outta there.
On 07/23/08 at 9:47 am
Carol said:
*sigh* I could share things here that would probably make me appear the horniest woman on the planet. I will suppress the urge to share wild indulgencies and just say that pure honesty, real communication and a connection with your partner can actually make you DESIRE to add things to your sexual menu. I desire things now that I have never, ever, ever desired before. In fact, I crave them. I text them. We talk about them. I share them and all the damn sharing makes me crave them more.
On 07/23/08 at 9:52 am
Kevin M. said:
Holy………. I’ll be back in 8 minutes.
On 07/23/08 at 10:02 am
Trista said:
It’s so true! When you have that unabashed honesty and openness…it changes everything, including sexual expression. You NEED to grow, explore, learn…and just BE in a way that you have never been before, with this amazing other person.
.
Does that make sense??
On 07/23/08 at 10:18 am
Kevin M. said:
The most perfect kind of sense, m’dear.
On 07/23/08 at 10:28 am
Carol said:
Abso-fucking-lutely!
Exploring and learning. Just call me Carol Fucking Columbus!!!!
Okay. We all know I am a horny girl when I drop f-bombs the way Jenna drops her panties.
On 07/23/08 at 5:46 pm
Kevin M. said:
Really? Well… hey, um… I got yer East Indies right here, babe.
On 07/23/08 at 10:21 am
Charles Albert Green said:
No sexual compatibility is a relationship ender isn’t it? I mean I’d probably not care as long as I get my vanilla fix,but, at some point you have to get your particular itch, scratched. Why would someone who likes getting their salad tossed while gaged and wrapped in a straight jacket want a “missionary” man? There are some lengths some men won’t go to get some poon. I for one don’t do anal. I mean a woman wanting to penetrate my a-ring when I say that. If it meant losing the girl of my dreams, or never getting any again, me and my poo poo pump could and would go without.
Yes, I’m back. No, I wasn’t locked up or without internet access. My jobs still suck, my sleep is still hard to come by and I understand what is said to me about 96% of the time. Though I still have to explain that the word farcical is real and can’t be found in the cooler.
On 07/23/08 at 10:50 am
Trista said:
Oh my gawd, I was worried about you!
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And you wouldn’t be willing to explore ANY backdoor play with your dream woman?
On 07/23/08 at 1:31 pm
Charles Albert Green said:
worried about little old me? I’ve been exploring more of the city latly. It’s actually beautiful down here.
No anal for me. Not even if my dream girl wanted it. I was recently with a girl that wanted to “touch” my prostate. I told her I wouldn’t even touch hers. I love the women of California, but shieesh, this girl had a better body then ANY woman I knew or even saw in Cali. I’m talking J-lo’s butt, Alyssa Milano’s chest and Amanda Beard’s abs. Her face is comparible to Candice Parker from the WNBA. All natural to boot. There has got to be something in the water down here. My point is she is the closest that I’ve come to my dream girl and I haven’t called her back.
On 07/23/08 at 2:21 pm
Trista said:
come on! Whats a little prostate tickling between friends?
On 07/23/08 at 10:22 am
Rex said:
…yet again, another topic I can’t contribute to.
On 07/23/08 at 10:23 am
Trista said:
Get out! Of course you can.
On 07/23/08 at 10:46 am
Rex said:
Not really, no. I can make one blanket statement and write “Sexual Compatibility is preferable”… that’s about it.
These days? Don’t care about it (sex) anymore. I don’t feel any “spark”/connection/urge from anyone and vice versa, so why waste time? Might as well cover other things in my life.
On 07/23/08 at 10:56 am
Jime said:
I do not feel alone in saying that the absence of witty Rex/Trista banter is greatly missed. Sorry that you’re in a bad place right now, man.
On 07/23/08 at 10:59 am
Trista said:
Awww, Rexy! I no like it when you are a sad monkey.
On 07/23/08 at 11:16 am
Rex said:
I don’t feel like I’m in a bad place or sad. One may claim I’m apathetic, but there are no ill feelings.
There’s just no desire at the moment. I’ve tried. I’ve failed. Time to move on to other things to improve on in my life.
On 07/23/08 at 1:34 pm
Charles Albert Green said:
While you are working on those other aspects of your life I’m sure you’ll find what you need. Cheer up Rex.
On 07/23/08 at 2:24 pm
Trista said:
you have to love yourself first.
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love,
your friend who really is reading The Secret
On 07/23/08 at 10:27 am
Steph said:
I seriously think that there is a middle ground somewhere. It may take some effort and lots of practice! Sounds like good idea! Practice makes perfect! I know me personally, my husband enjoys using my toys on me. Before he and I met, he never experienced toy pleasure.
On 07/23/08 at 10:57 am
Trista said:
I absolutely agree. Compromise is king in a relationship. Without give and take its more of a dictatorship, really, don’t you think?
On 07/23/08 at 11:54 am
Rev. Mitcz said:
Maybe I’m wrong here - but I feel like both Trista and I explored the middle ground on this topic, and there was no extreme one way or another.