And then I became pregnant…
September 1, 2008 · Print This Article
Before I had my first son I wasn’t really a fan of children. I didn’t dislike them, but I wasn’t that girl either; you know, the one cooing and peek-a-boo-ing and pawing my friends kids at the holiday bbqs. The offspring of others were just cute little creatures that I knew very little about, and had even less to do with. This was totally okay with me.
And then I became pregnant.
I was in a panic. I knew nothing about this position I had just been nominated for! Damn, perhaps I should have spent less time playing basketball and more time babysitting as a teenager! Why had I tuned out my older cousins when they discussed breast versus bottle, stroller versus snugglie, and all that other crap I didn’t understand? I was frightened and clueless, so I turned where any library nerd would turn…to the books.
This only made my situation worse, because not even the so-called experts could agree on what was good parenting and what wasn’t. I consumed book after book during my nine months of “prep time” and grew more worried with each passing day. Then came that dreaded day; my baby joined me in the outside word…uncontained and helpless in my ill-prepared arms.
I went through several weeks of chaos and confusion. My mother gave advice that conflicted with the advice of my mother-in-law. The pediatrician told me things that conflicted with the nurse. My cousins gave advice that was completely opposite of my friends. My head was spinning like my doctor recommended black and white patterned crib mobile.
And then one night, while sitting in the tranquil darkness of 3am, having just quieted the baby with a plan of my own design, the most important parenting lesson of all hit me in the face like projectile vomit from my colicky newborn:
Parents. Know. Best.
We really, REALLY do. I mean…these are our kids. We love them with a fierceness that no one else can. So why are we driving ourselves crazy, why are we pushing aside our own instinct in favor of baby whispering, Dr. Spock and the like?
We are perfectly capable of doing this job, and well, we just have to trust ourselves. So here are my five sure-fire hints that you ARE a super parent, because you deserve the validation…
- You love your kid(s) with all your heart, quite unconditional like. Sure, there will be those moments when you may not like what they are doing all that much…but the love is ALWAYS there. That is the mark of greatness in a parent.
- You make sure they have the important things in life. I am not talking about designer clothes, or expensive video games, or an overwhelming schedule that keeps them running 16+ hours a day. I am talking about three squares in the belly. A warm, comfy bed and an appropriate bed time. Fresh air and open spaces to run in. Your attention and interest in THEIR interests and activities. These are the things that really matter.
- You approach parenting with a youthful spirit and a healthy dose of humor. How are we going to teach our kids not to let the small stuff get them down if we are taking life’s little bumps so seriously ourselves? Laugh it off, get up and go play…that is such a great example to set for your kids.
- You recognize the great value of patience. Whether you are teaching your little one how to tie their shoe or going over algebraic formulas with your teen, it is critical. There are few things as difficult as standing back and unweariedly waiting for things to click within your child, but there are also few things that make your heart soar as high as when you are rewarded for that fortitude. Letting them learn their own lessons, and allowing them to do things themselves; this is how we teach self-sufficiency. And that is our goal…right?
- In you they always find a safe harbor; whether it is from the monster in the closet, the bully at school or the fear of failure. You are their great protector; not there to stop them from stumbling, but most assuredly to lift them back up and apply band-aids and Neosporin as needed.
Being a parent is one of life’s toughest jobs, we all know this. And unlike many other jobs, the parameters that measure a job well done are not so clearly defined. Sure, there are a plethora of books, manuals and pamphlets one could read, you could take the advice of well intentioned others, or even model yourself after the parents you see on your TV screen. However, if you are a loving and dedicated parent, I don’t believe that there is anyone out there that is more qualified than you to raise your child.
Trust your trifecta of parenting power: your heart, your mind and your gut…and don’t be afraid to forge your own pathway.
Part of our beauty as humans is our diversity…so let’s keep the molds in the sandbox, hmm?
Now it’s your turn…what makes a parent great? If you are a parent, what are some of your proudest moments? If you have memories of what made your own parents great, share those too! And conversely, what are some trends today that might be taking us away from true parental excellence?
On 09/1/08 at 4:54 am
Carol said:
Too many questions before coffee!!! Great thoughts on one of my favorite subjects.
My proudest moments are those where I see my kiddos expressing themselves in ways true to their individual personalities. I think part of being a great parent means that you have a certain language you use with your kids. I don’t even mean “skip the profanity, please”. I mean, phrases, words, ways you come to the common ground when the world is chaotic. I mean the way you hug, interact,etc.
My daughter does this thing where she gives me a look, a kiss on the cheek and then her almost-evil grin. My son gives me “t-shirt hugs”. We all talk about how we love each other….TO THE MOON AND BACK, BABY!!!!! Why? The book says to the moon and back. Years ago, they both added the “baby” (with full umph) a the end. It’s been our shared expression ever since.
Yes. I need coffee. I’ll come back to list some not-so-wonderful parenting trends.
On 09/1/08 at 7:07 am
Trista said:
Self expression in our children is such a GREAT thing! That is why it drives me mad when I have to be in situations in which I see others suppressing that in a child.
I know I cannot police the world…but man, every once in awhile I wish I could shake a suppressive parent…
On 09/1/08 at 8:37 am
Meghan said:
If I had a dollar for every time I had that thought I’d have enough money to retire and make my own baby!
It’s product results and showpieces with so many parents. I taught a parent/toddler art class several years ago where we had 5 tables of various materials/project ‘ideas’ - but it was all free form, make whatever you like and explore the room.
It drove me MAD that these mothers were directing every step of the projects so they had the best ‘owl’ to take home. Two yr old couldn’t just glue some feathers and google eyes on a piece of paper - that’s embarrassing!
On 09/1/08 at 8:46 am
Trista said:
I saw it at soccer this last year with my littlest one. Parents were out there SCREAMING at their kids…these kids were 3-6 years old! I was happy when my kid made contact with the ball…sheesh!
On 09/1/08 at 9:00 am
Meghan said:
My boys I’ve known for 8 yrs, are now 10 and 7. (I was there before her Thing 2 was even born.)
They are both very athletic kids but going to their sporting events is really starting to get brutal. The parents and the coaches, ugh and the competition.
On 09/1/08 at 9:33 am
Trista said:
I know sports are competitive and all that…but I don’t understand this trend of pushing the little ones to their breaking point. My youngest told me “sports aren’t fun” after his fledgling experience. That broke my heart, because I remember how much fun sports were for me as a kid, and how grateful I am when I look back that I had them in my life. So I am not going to stop trying to find the “fun” in organized sports for him, but I also know we aren’t going back to that soccer league.
On 09/1/08 at 9:38 am
kiki said:
That totally drives me mad too!!!! A 2 year old is not going to create a fine arts masterpiece!!!! But what they will create is so much better- it’s an expression of THEM and no one else, and that’s the point!!! Pushy parents who do their childs homework so they won’t fail also drive me mad!!!! Children are children for goodness sake. Just let them BE.
On 09/1/08 at 9:57 am
Trista said:
Oh…the parents doing the homework thing drives me mad! That was already going on in my oldest ones kindergarten class last year.
I thought the point of kindergarten was to learn the basics…did I miss an important memo??
On 09/1/08 at 8:51 am
Carol said:
My kiddos self-esteem is grounded. We have repeatedly gone over the same values with different words. At first, it was the reminder they are special because they are “smart with heart”…not just because they are “beautiful and handsome”. Too many kids put their value in their material possessions and physical blessings. I nipped that in the bud, early on.
Their self-expression is one of my greatest joys. Karri has heard Morgan…ALOT. I am giggling to think of several things that girl of mine has done to bring laughter to the world.
THAT makes me a kick-ass mom, no doubt. My kids spread kindness and laughter. Tons of it.
On 09/1/08 at 9:58 am
Trista said:
The gift of self esteem is so, so important. We have to be our children’s champions, so that they can learn to be their own.
On 09/1/08 at 7:05 am
Tina said:
this was beautiful! I think parenting is the hardest, most painful but beautiful and rewarding thing a woman can do.
On 09/1/08 at 7:10 am
Trista said:
Thank you. I do have great creative inspiration in my kids.
And I agree that parenting is such work…but there is nothing you can do that yields greater dividends.
On 09/1/08 at 7:24 am
Karri said:
Okay, now that I’m all teary…
Parents are people too! They’re human and they’re fallible, but it’s how they learn those lessons that matter. At the end of the day, love, compassion, protection, patience and laughter is what we’ll all remember.
Now, I need to go settle my ovaries down…they’re doing back flips!
On 09/1/08 at 7:30 am
Trista said:
Your ovaries can do back flips? All mine can do is ovulate…I’m jealous!
On 09/1/08 at 7:35 am
Karri said:
I wish mine would ovulate more and do fewer feats of jealous acrobatics.
On 09/1/08 at 7:45 am
Trista said:
You gotta put those ovaries in check! They need some discipline!
Or just have a baby already…you know you wanna… =P
On 09/1/08 at 7:57 am
Karri said:
My ovaries need to be spanked into submission?
Of course I wanna! Meanwhile, can I kidnap Thing One and Thing Two?
On 09/1/08 at 8:44 am
Trista said:
They are yours…for the BORROWING! =)
On 09/1/08 at 8:53 am
Carol said:
<—smiling to remember pictures taken at the beach with you all. I agree..Auntie K is meant to be a Mommy K.
On 09/1/08 at 7:36 am
Trunks Kirshner said:
I believe a good act of parenting is leaving the artistic freedom of your child’s personality up to them, and not imposing your beliefs or forcibly shape-shifting the ‘clay of who they are’ into what you want them to be (i.e. the parents who make their kids into clones of themselves).
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I think a great allusion to this is in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (w Johnny Depp) where there’s a mother and daughter both dressed in yellow and the daughter essentially has no personality other than being an extension of her mother
On 09/1/08 at 7:41 am
Trunks Kirshner said:
Disclaimer: (they’re JOKES lol)
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My disclaimer is that I’m still a college student and no where close to becoming a parent so the expertise of my opinions is going to be kind of… blah - I’ll probably feel like Trista did whenever my 9 months of preparation comes (I’m still playing basketball too lol)
On 09/1/08 at 7:42 am
Jody said:
hahaha. i promise i didn’t see yours til i had already hit ‘enter’ on mine. rofl. *exactly*
On 09/1/08 at 7:43 am
Trista said:
Yes, I have seen all too many parents who try to create “mini me” type children, and it makes me sad.
I also am saddened by the “live vicariously through you” type parents, like the dad who’s football career ended in injury, so he forces his son to play even if the kid don’t like football type scenario.
We need to keep then safe and teach them the essentials, but we really ought to be letting them find themselves at the same time.
On 09/1/08 at 7:52 am
Trunks Kirshner said:
Yes, the vicarious sports stars - I had plenty of high school teammates who felt they were playing for two people.
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Childhood could become a business - parents have kids constructed by using specific sperm at cryobanks and then have their 2 and three year olds practicing football and gymnastics - because the sperm donor was a college sports star and the parents are training them for 17-18 years to guarantee a scholarship in athletics
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This is a actual trend right now and will probably become more popular - children becomes “investments”
On 09/1/08 at 7:59 am
Trista said:
Designer children…that freaks me out! I will never, ever be okay with that concept.
On 09/1/08 at 7:40 am
Jody said:
First of all, this was lovely. Downright wonderful to read. Thanks for that. Second, about the worst parenting trend I know of, and happens all too often, is when parents try to force a child into a pre-defined mold without ever bothering to learn who their child is. Another thing I see (and all too often) is when parents force their various neurosis or extreme opinions on their child.
On 09/1/08 at 7:47 am
Trunks Kirshner said:
Great minds think alike
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And I truly think this happens far too often and compromises the potential of some of the young personalities that’re affected by it
On 09/1/08 at 7:53 am
Jody said:
Not to mention having serious negative effects on the child. I actually once witnessed a parent berating her child in front of teachers and vice principals at the school. I saw 3-4 teachers and 2 vice principals coming out of a conference room with the mom and child as I was dropping something off at the office for mine. I overheard one statement that just crushed me. The mom vehemently ordering her pre-teen “What have I told you?!? ALWAYS question authority!! ALWAYS!” Later my son tells me that kid is one of the saddest he knows and always seems to be in trouble of some kind. Poor kid.
On 09/1/08 at 7:56 am
Trista said:
Yes…or forcing their antiquated or narrow-minded opinions on them. I realize it is difficult not to…I mean, if it is truly what you believe, you are going to end up teaching it to your child. But when your child comes to you with a differing opinion, here is the opportunity to accept that opinion and shine as a parent, or stifle it…and fail in a way.
On 09/1/08 at 7:42 am
~Lori~ said:
As I read your blog, it made me smile, knowing that all your key points I have tried my very best to follow. With having a preteen and a one almost grown, I have been through so much with them. You are fully correct though, my top priority was and has always been them, we never had much, I concentrated on roof over thier head, meals on the table, the kids never knew we were “poor” persay, never lacked, because they were loved, that goes a long way. But I always made it a point to talk to them, go to the functions, support them however I needed to. I went through some really rough things with my older one, and this past Mother’s day the card she made me, made me tear up so hard. More or less telling me how much she appreciates me, and thanking me for not turning my back on her when she was in a bad place. Like I ever could. Now I deal with the fact that one is almost grown and fixin’ to graduate, and then my preteen, she brings me some paperwork from school and on the corner it has the graduation date of 2014. I’m thinking “NO”, not yet, it only gives me six more years, where did it go, give me back my babies…damnit! I use to think when they were grown and gone, “yeah freedom”, WRONG, I want it all back, let me have a do over. Just enjoy every moment you can with yours, other things can wait, it’s all about them. Damn, now I have to go get some tissue, thanx Trista what a way to start my mornin’ ;p
((HUG))
On 09/1/08 at 7:50 am
Trista said:
Awww, thank you for the lesson right back at me!
Sometimes I get busy, and I forget…they are only going to be little during THIS time. This is it, I need to cherish it. I need to put down my work and play with them more. I need to fret less. I know how fast it goes…I can’t believe my oldest has already graduated from Kindergarten. What??! He’s still my baby!
Life is just too darn short…we must, must, must cherish the time.
On 09/1/08 at 8:14 pm
Karri said:
This is your friendly reminder to break out the handicam and document their whipper snapper years.
On 09/1/08 at 8:02 am
teri~michelle said:
there are days when I truly doubt the power of my superparenting..*haha* but at the end of the day when they are all getting ready for bed…and I hear three “I love you Mom” and each coming back out to give me a hug..that’s when I know I did my job that day.
And even through all the temper tantrums, attitude adjustments, and days when I just know someone traded them for little bratling aliens…I still love them with my entire being.
My kids are my reason for breathing.
mad-luv,
t~m
xoxo
On 09/1/08 at 8:16 am
Trista said:
I think we all have those frustrating days of self-doubting…because this is a tough-ass job!
But the love, the overwhelming all consuming love…it makes it all worthwhile.
On 09/1/08 at 8:25 am
Meghan said:
Awwww. *Sniff*
This was so incredible, T. Being someone that works with parents everyday, I have so much appreciation for these words. Watching a mother and father finally break free from the parenting chains that bind their decision making, and trusting themselves is so rewarding to me.
I said it before, but it is so sad to witness parents who do not enjoy their children. They’re missing out on such an amazing world. I think we find ’soul’ in those moments, even in the chaos.
On 09/1/08 at 8:41 am
Trista said:
We DO find soul in the moments! What a beautiful way to put it…thank you.
You my dear are inspirational. The love I can see that you have for the kids you watch over is amazing. The parents you work for are so lucky and the kids even luckier.
And I hope I one day have the honor of witnessing your admission into the mom’s club. You are going to kick ass at it.
On 09/1/08 at 8:51 am
Meghan said:
Thanks…the mom’s club would be nice and I look forward to sending out my application!
Truth is, I have been doing this for a long time, I have seen so many situations cross my path and have tackled them with great sense of resolve…but I’m still scared shitless!
I have such an appreciation for how humbling that first moment of motherhood will be for me, for anyone. You mothers who are able to press through, learn from your children, allow them to grow and grow with them; my respect of that process can’t be contained with words.
Which, my dear - is why YOU are inspirational.
On 09/1/08 at 9:29 am
kiki said:
I have the pleasure of seeing M in action with her little Bean and I agree, she is truly amazing both as a nanny and a person! I’ve been a nanny for over 10 years now and if there’s one thing I’ve learnt, its that childhood is precious and you can’t underestimate the importance of preserving and nurturing the soul of a child. Children are born with their own wings, its up to us as adults to help them learn how to fly. That means loving them without any strings attached, allowing them to experience and deal with all life’s ups and downs, and giving them the gifts of self esteem and self confidence that will enable them to dream big dreams and work hard enough to achieve them.
On 09/1/08 at 9:45 am
Meghan said:
Someone wants a free beer when they get back from Maine!
You’re no slouch yourself when it comes to the twins.
“you can’t underestimate the importance of preserving and nurturing the soul of a child”
That is why you ‘get’ it.
On 09/1/08 at 10:00 am
kiki said:
YAY for free beer! Just the one??!! Jeeez I was expecting enough to at least have me falling off the sidewalk again!!!
I love my job. It’s a privilege to hold someone elses child dear to my heart. And their hugs and smiles make everything worthwhile. Can’t imagine how much more love I could feel for my own child than I do for those I care for!
On 09/1/08 at 8:28 am
Trunks Kirshner said:
Even in college it’s still great when I can call and talk to my mom and dad about critical moments or events in my life away from home - I have to admit it’s done a lot for me to talk to them
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I never felt orphaned from my parents emotionally - if I lost someone or ended a relationship they were never to pre-occupied with American Idol to comfort me
On 09/1/08 at 8:43 am
Trista said:
My mom and dad are always there for me as well. Sometimes I take it for granted…they have been such a tremendous part of my safety net of life for…well, forever!
I think I need to make a phone call…and express some gratitude…right now!
On 09/1/08 at 9:36 am
Karri said:
Please do…every day!
On 09/1/08 at 9:59 am
Trista said:
xx
And a big, breath stealing hug too.
On 09/1/08 at 8:19 pm
Karri said:
Sorry for the abrupt disappearance, I felt some mist coming on…
I am so proud not only of your parents, but of the parent that you are. I am truly inspired and in awe of all that you do. All Mom’s, single or not, are faced with challenges that the rest of us can only imagine. To overcome them with such grace and humility is truly heroic!
On 09/1/08 at 9:01 am
Carol said:
See..I have returned. Only to find the brilliance of TK and Jody mirroring each other, as well as my own opinion. While my kids, especially my little girl, are often called Mini-me’s…they are absolutely different and their own unique beings.
For example, I was never as self assured and free to communicate like my kids are. We have fostered a very simple premise in our home that works for us. Honesty. Love. Kindness.Respect. Laughter.Forgiveness.
And, then…well, more laughter. I don’t have the same relationship with my own parents. We are very different in so many ways. Still, your comment above makes me want to call my own. I just may have to do it.
On 09/1/08 at 9:08 am
Trista said:
I was very lucky in a lot of ways…if there is one true gift my parents gave to me it was self confidence. My parents truly believed that I could do anything I set to mind to…and so I learned to believe it as well.
But it is best to remember that mostly our parents all did the very best that they could…as we are doing for our own children right now.
On 09/1/08 at 9:46 am
Carol said:
Trust me…I always give them credit for doing what they did do…and they did more than most, I’m sure. It’s just a different generation. A different world.
On 09/1/08 at 10:00 am
Trista said:
Yeah…I know…that reminder was as much for me up there as anyone else! =)
On 09/1/08 at 9:07 am
Marc said:
Hi Eve:
As father to 4 (mostly) grown kids, I think that my wife and I did ok. Like you, we ran afoul of a dizzying morass of conflicting advice, and eventually charted our own course. We eventually settled on one guiding principle: we realized that we care for children and raise adults.
What I mean by that is this: every action and word that we expose our children to influences who they will become as adults. So while they are young, we took care to provide them with love and security, in the hopes that they would grow up to be loving, secure adults.
While my youngest is 15, the others are for all intents and purposes adults, and if I do say so myself, they are indeed loving and secure. They are not without their flaws and weaknesses, but the strengths that they have developed more than make up for it.
I couldn’t be prouder of them. Excellent post for parents everywhere, thanks
Cheers, Marc
On 09/1/08 at 9:16 am
Trista said:
Thanks for stopping by and joining in, Marc.
Excellently put. That is the entire point, isn’t it? Our purpose as parents is to guide them down the road to adulthood, helping them pick up the tools they are going to need as they travel.
And when they get to the end of that road and they step out into the big bad world on their own two feet, it is a time to rejoice in a job well done.
On 09/1/08 at 9:14 am
Dillon said:
One of the bet things my dad did for me came after my parents had gotten divorced. I moved in with him at the age of 16, pretty much only knowing the tyrannical methods my mother had imposed at home. He let me do my own thing. He was still there, in a way, but he openly expressed to me that he trusted me to make my own decisions. That trust was huge for me.
I tell you, I made some serious mistakes. But… I was able to conquer my most serious problems before they conquered me. I don’t think I could have done that without the freedom to figure it out for myself.
On 09/1/08 at 9:15 am
Dillon said:
arg. I hate typos. “bet” = “best”
On 09/1/08 at 9:20 am
Trista said:
Two comments in a row…both yours Dillon and Marc’s above, remind me of what lies ahead for me…letting go.
We give our kids the tools, and then we have to step back and give them a chance to learn how to use them. It’s scary…yet essential. Your dad was a brave guy.
My guy are still so little…but I think in a way this process starts as soon as they are walking. They learn when we step back…not when we hover and smother.
On 09/1/08 at 9:20 am
Carol said:
Excellent point…as always!
On 09/1/08 at 10:08 am
Karl Rove said:
This reminds me of something that happened to me last December. I was walking down the street in Boston when a homeless guy stopped me. It was extremely cold, and he asked me for money so that he could take a cab to a homeless shelter. I knew he was lying (why would he need $30 for a cab to a homeless shelter?) but I gave him a dollar anyway. Tis’ the season. He was so grateful that he started telling me his life story.
“I don’t have anyone left. My parents are dead, my aunt is dead, my uncle is dead. I’ve got nowhere to go.”
He went on like this for a while. Every time I started to leave he would just keep talking.
“Man, never take your family for granted. Always tell your parents that you love them. They’re the only people who’ll always be there for you, but they won’t be around forever.”
As I started walking away, I pulled out my cell phone and called my parents. Damn, that homeless guy got to me.
On 09/1/08 at 11:44 am
Trista said:
“They’re the only people who’ll always be there for you, but they won’t be around forever.”
Okay…and now your homeless guy has gotten to me too…
I need to go hug my parents…
On 09/1/08 at 8:24 pm
Karri said:
Lump. In. Throat.
Karl, thanks so much for reminding those who are blessed to have their parents to be grateful. I think they get tired of hearing me say it.
And this is when I’m grateful for my 13 nieces and nephews because one of them may very well get stuck with me!
On 09/1/08 at 10:49 am
Trunks Kirshner said:
A comment from my friend Marisa regarding Hurricane Gustav:
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So my brother is here with me because he had to evacuate because of the hurricane, anyway thought, we were talking, and we both agree that god is sending a pretty strong message, now were not the biggest believers in religion stuff, but I mean this ass kicking hurricane coming during the republican convention, he OBVIOUSLY doesnt want the republicans in the white house! “Absolutely NOT, Yup Yup!” - Marisa
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(I thought it was perfect lol)
On 09/1/08 at 11:09 am
cricket lee said:
my Mommy loves me and supports me unconditionally, which includes moving to L.A. to pursue my dream.
I love her more than life itself. Mom is my everything.
On 09/1/08 at 11:45 am
Trista said:
I am so glad your mama supports your dream, Cricket Lee!
On 09/1/08 at 8:25 pm
Karri said:
CRICKET!
LOVELOVELOVE seeing you here!
Thanks, doll.