“I hope you find what you’re looking for”
April 1, 2008 · Print This Article
Not so long ago I pitied the likeness of what has now become my own reflection…a 30-something, single and childless woman. A woman who has strategically maneuvered her way through life’s obstacles and now finds herself contemplating drastic measures in order to get what she’s looking for.
It wasn’t until I recently heard those parting words (”I hope you find what you’re looking for“) that made me stop in my tracks and realize that it’s not so much what I’m looking for, rather than what I’m NOT looking for. The list looks a little something like this…
- Someone who holds my hand - excellent.
Someone who smothers the very life out of me - dreadful!
- A partner in crime who supports my beliefs and passions - sign me up.
A counter-part that scoffs at my hopes and dreams - don’t let the door hit you in the ass.
- Perhaps a side-kick with a picket fence and 2.5 whipper-snappers - absolutely!
I cave dwelling Neanderthal - uh-uh.
- A playmate who also enjoys hanging upside down on the monkey bars - okay!
One who thrives on juvenile behavior - no, thank you.
- An equal who commands and reciprocates respect - outstanding!
An insecure, co-dependent who wants me to be their best friend - not a chance.
You see, the quandary for those of us who’ve been around the block a time or two is that our lists of wants/don’t wants grows longer and more distant with each failed attempt. Traits and behaviors that were acceptable when we were 18, 25 or even 30 are now deemed as deal-breakers. And it makes me wonder…is it that we become less tolerable over time, or do our experiences show us the infinite possibilities if we just have a little faith and patience?
So, what does a woman do when she’s kept awake at night, not by her companion…the one who kisses her forehead and wipes away her tears (want), but rather the echoing tick-tock of her biological clock (don’t want)? Many advise her to “date down” in order to fulfill her desires, while others enthusiastically cheer her on as she scours escort ads and sperm donor applications.
Yep, while my co-conspirator isn’t getting hit on at weddings, I’ve been forced to…rent-a-date! And, while she is being kept up at night by not one, but two amazing little men in her life, I spend countless hours pouring over Baby Daddy applications in hopes that I can fertilize at least one of my rapidly dying eggs.
Is this the plight of our existence or is it simply the way things are supposed to be? I truly believe that we are where we are because of where we’ve been, and everything happens for a reason…blah, blah, blah, but every once in a while I begin to wonder if the Universe lost my map.
Tell me, what is it that you’re looking for? Or are you one of the lucky ones that already found the pot of gold? And if so, exactly how many frogs did you have to kiss?
On 04/1/08 at 3:31 am
lisaq said:
Never, I repeat, never date down.
Oh and hey if the Universe finds your map, could you ask is anyone’s seen mine?
On 04/1/08 at 5:14 am
Karri said:
And this is why I adore you, Lisa! They almost had me convinced.
On 04/1/08 at 6:22 am
Trista said:
Because you misunderstand the message. No one is telling you to date someone unworthy of you, but rather to lower your expectations a bit. Think about how the guy is going to treat you rather than how he is going to look naked. Look at the inner package first, for once. THAT is what I mean. If you keep going for the golden gods, they might just keep treating you like a minion. That is what I don’t want for you. I want you to find a guy that sees how fucking bad-ass you are, gah!
On 04/1/08 at 6:27 am
Cassie said:
yeah…gah!!!! hahahaha
On 04/1/08 at 6:30 am
Karri said:
I love you, now come over here and clean up the coffee that I just spit all over my keyboard…HA! ps…If I was all sappy-happy on the love crack, who would entertain you with melt-down stories?
On 04/1/08 at 9:59 pm
draven said:
I of course being a guy am speakin as a guy and sayin its not wuts on the outside that counts so much as wutz on the inside..
On 04/2/08 at 7:11 am
Karri said:
That’s a refreshing statement. Thank you.
On 04/1/08 at 5:08 am
Carol said:
I quit counting the frogs. You KNOW how many just in the past two years!!!
But, yes, I think I’ve found what I am looking for and do consider myself one of the lucky ones. It didn’t hurt that I already had my two amazing kiddos. I had everything I NEEDED before I met him.
On 04/1/08 at 5:19 am
Karri said:
Pahleeze! Don’t snakes eat frogs? Doh! Outloud and everything.I’m certainly not saying that single Moms have it easier, I just think in some ways there’s less pressure.
On 04/1/08 at 9:57 am
Carol said:
I remember all too well my pain in trying to conceive our son. I spent my entire twenties being told I could NOT have kids…EVER. So, yes, for me, THAT pressure was alleviated once blessed with my kiddos.
But, seriously, dating with a one year old and then 2.5 year old? Do you REALLY think that was fun? It just shifted my way of thinking and helped me redefine what I truly wanted.
On 04/1/08 at 11:25 am
Karri said:
No, I couldn’t imagine that it was a barrel of monkeys! But, because of the you also weren’t completely alone…you had their love and comfort. Me? I’ve got Lilly. I’m not having a pity party here, I’m just saying that at least once you have your children your only looking for a partner as opposed to not only wanting a partner but also someone who’s willing and able to go down the parenting road as well.
On 04/1/08 at 6:12 am
Cassie said:
meh
I’ll just say good luck to YOU….
I never even get past the tadpole stage!!! LOL
On 04/1/08 at 6:20 am
Karri said:
Can you send your leftover tadpoles this way? Really, that’s all I want at this point.
On 04/1/08 at 6:15 am
Will said:
Everyone seems to be looking for the same thing and no one’s finding it. Doesnt that tell you something?
On 04/1/08 at 6:23 am
Karri said:
hmmm…It doesn’t exist? We want too much? Stop looking? Which one did you want me to go with?
On 04/2/08 at 7:24 am
Spiked Hawaiian Punch said:
There are still single gentleMEN out there that enjoy the company of women, not girls, with child(ren) and understand that their children comes first. And that we are a compliment to their life, neither one of us at each other’s beck and call. I guess I just keep meeting the girls who think that I’m “too good to be real.”
On 04/2/08 at 8:44 am
Karri said:
Have you met my friend, Trista?
On 04/2/08 at 9:19 am
Spiked Hawaiian Punch said:
Not yet, but I just got put on pause (by lack of better term) by someone that I thought was THE one less than a month ago. But, I’m not opposed to meeting and making new friends =).
On 04/2/08 at 8:35 am
Will said:
Pick which ever one works for you! But seriously, my short answer to the whole issue is that relationships have become less and less about needs (food/shelter type stuff) and more and more about wants (soulmate kinda stuff). Bad news folks, no matter what you have, you will eventually feel like something is missing. Doesnt bode well for the future of long term relationships.
On 04/2/08 at 8:50 am
Karri said:
There will always be speed bumps on the road of life and love. I suppose the key is to not slam on the brakes, but heed with caution and keep moving forward.
On 04/1/08 at 6:20 am
Balancing Good & Evil Daily said:
I don’t know what to tell ya Karri. I can say that dating down is a bad thing. While I wish I could say that I was free to be your life partner, I’m not. As far as the baby daddy applications go, that I can do!
On 04/1/08 at 6:24 am
Karri said:
So, what’re you sayin’? I’m good enough to raise your child, but you couldn’t fathom the idea of living happily ever after with me?
On 04/1/08 at 7:37 am
ba said:
No, that’s not it at all. I just don’t think The Hawaiian would be happy if I was to try to live happily ever after with you… unless of course you were willing to live happily ever after with her too! Then again, I don’t know if I could take the estrogen of 4 women in the house.
On 04/1/08 at 7:56 am
Karri said:
It takes a village…where should I send my things?
On 04/1/08 at 1:47 pm
Balancing Good & Evil Daily said:
Don’t you think we ought to at least meet first?
I mean come on, we are talking about you becoming family!
On 04/1/08 at 2:02 pm
Karri said:
Uh…we have met! Blogger BBQ…hello?
On 04/2/08 at 6:48 am
Balancing Good & Evil Daily said:
Hmmm… I don’t remember that. I talked to Trista as you were leaving, but I don’t believe we were actually introduced. Next time…
On 04/2/08 at 7:11 am
Karri said:
Next time, indeed!
On 04/1/08 at 7:27 am
Kevin said:
Well… I’d like to get all wise about this subject and rain down the specific knowledge you’re looking for, chica… but… I’m kinda dealing with a similar frustrating situation. I’ve got a ton of love to give, a hopeless romantic, couldn’t have ANY more respect for women in general, am told endlessly by my girl friends that “I’ll be SUCH a catch for some lucky woman, someday”…. etc, etc. And yet… nothing. I mean, I’ve never been one to care much about my age, or if I’m “getting up there”, or whatever. But I’ll admit, there are the occasional times where I do think about “when is MY time?”, “will I EVER find her?”, and the dreaded… “I DON’T WANNA BE CHANGING DIAPERS IN MY 50′S!! GAAAHHH!!!” Those kinds of thoughts don’t preoccupy my mind nearly as much as it does most women that I know are in your situation, Karri. But that little nagging troll in the back of my head DOES live there… and he’s starting to get a little bit louder with every passing year.
On 04/1/08 at 7:41 am
Karri said:
I wholeheartedly believe that love finds us when we’re least expecting it, and I know I’ll find it again. But ya, changing diapers in my 50’s? UGHHHH! The very thought of it exhausts me!
On 04/1/08 at 7:56 am
Kevin said:
I mean, granted… today’s 50’s are the new 40’s, but even THAT just doesn’t sit well with me.
Y’know… in past generations, people got married early, and stayed married, no matter how unhappy, unfaithful, unloved, etc. Today, we don’t jump into marriage because we deserve better… we don’t stay in bad marriages because we deserve better… and yup, A LOT of us now just simply can’t find someone, because EVERYONE is looking for Mr./Mrs. Perfect… because, y’know, we deserve better.
Have we caused our own demise??
On 04/1/08 at 8:06 am
Karri said:
Ya, we live longer and look younger, but I’m knocking on 40’s door and I sure as hell don’t feel 30! How sad is it that our generation will see very few Golden Anniversaries? It’s a bygone era. Then again, I couldn’t possibly imagine having stayed with my first ex-husband another second, forget another 45 years! *shudder*
On 04/1/08 at 10:01 am
Chris said:
“You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.”
.
There is so much confusion in this World because People are being Used and Things are being Loved.
On 04/1/08 at 11:29 am
Karri said:
Oh honey, I have loved me a many imperfections. And thankfully, mine have been loved also. Better to have loved and loss than never to have loved at all.
On 04/1/08 at 11:30 am
Karri said:
Was that a Freudian slip? Lost not loss. Or both I suppose.
On 04/1/08 at 3:57 pm
SDGrrr(l) said:
“Better to have loved and loss than never to have loved at all.”
Maybe initially in life, so you know what it’s all about. But now, I think it’s extraordinarily overrated. Am I being too pessimistic?
On 04/1/08 at 8:24 pm
Karri said:
I’m getting a little tired of it too, but then again I’m also addicted to the crack so I can’t stop. Love crack that is.
On 04/1/08 at 9:59 am
Chris said:
Right there with ya, pal!
On 04/2/08 at 7:45 am
Samantha said:
Doesn’t it just SUCK when someone says the evil words, “you’re a perfect catch” or “you’re such a good person that any *insert gender here* would be the luckiest person on earth to have you.”
Crap, total crap. I’m approaching 40 and re-living a bad Ally McBeal episode.
On 04/2/08 at 8:12 am
Karri said:
I especially like it when my ex’s tell me how “fill in the blank” and that I deserve “fill in another blank” yaddie, yaddie, yah…Great thanks, I’m glad you’ve seen the light, but what good does that do me now? UGHHHHHH! Ally McBeal rocked!
On 04/1/08 at 7:50 am
Rex said:
Funny… I had an hours-long conversation with a good friend about this topic last night.
I’ll skip all the details involving her, but she’s near the end of her rope. Being a single mother of two kids has made her wearisome of dating and makes her question what KIND of love she’d experience as she gets older. Will it be the intense, unabashed, unconditional love she’s been striving to find since her early 20s or, a love of convenience?
As for me, fucking forget about it. Unconditional… Convenient… whatever. I went out with some friends last night - all slightly younger than me - and I felt like a fish out of water. How the shit am I supposed to find my One/Other Half/Soulmate/etc when I can’t even relate to nearly all my peers? Not to mention the standards I have…
On 04/1/08 at 8:01 am
Karri said:
I’d assume that the list just looks different if you already have kids. My only quasi relative meter is if someone likes my dog.You’d better hope Trista doesn’t see you blurting out “soulmate”… she’ll banish you from these parts!
On 04/1/08 at 8:14 am
Rex said:
I should have written that those terms I used I don’t believe in.
C’mon now… everyone has a “Soulmate”??? Karma is one thing, but destiny/kismet is total crap. According to me.
To be honest, I don’t even know the specifics of my list anymore. All I DO know is I haven’t felt anything from anyone for months now. As my powers are based on the Force.
On 04/1/08 at 8:18 am
Trista said:
Smart move, I was about to pull your Commune Card.
On 04/1/08 at 8:22 am
Karri said:
Oh shit, you’re here! DO NOT read below this comment!!!
On 04/1/08 at 8:25 am
Rex said:
Yeeeeeeeeeeah whatever.
Like you’ll be able to find as pure a quality of Blasian Wiseass ever again.
On 04/1/08 at 8:21 am
Karri said:
ssshhhh…Don’t tell anyone, but I have soulmate. We’re divorced, but we’re going to be stuck with eachother until one of us departs. Then again, I believe in that crap.
On 04/1/08 at 8:27 am
Trista said:
You date for looks BUT you believe in SOULmates; having DIVORCED yours only strengthens the belief…did I get that all right??
I quit.
On 04/1/08 at 8:34 am
Karri said:
OH. MY. GAWD! HAHAHAAA!
No…I don’t just date for looks, it just so happens to be the initial attraction factor. And our divorce has nothing to do with the fact that we’re destined to be in eachothers lives. You said you’d never quit me.
On 04/1/08 at 8:39 am
Trista said:
We CHOOSE who gets to be in our lives. People drift in and out…but we make the conscious decision on who we reach out and grab onto…as well as the decision on when to let go.
I CHOOSE YOU KARRI!!!!!
What is happening in here??! I gotta go attend a lecture on Pynchon.
On 04/1/08 at 8:45 am
Karri said:
Grow a penis…please!
On 04/1/08 at 8:29 am
Rex said:
On the Ladder of Things People Believe In Without Physical Evidence, UFOs are about five rungs above Soulmates, I believe.
So that’ll tell you something.
On 04/1/08 at 8:37 am
Karri said:
Kumbaya.
On 04/1/08 at 8:44 am
Rex said:
uh, Hare Hare?
On 04/1/08 at 8:35 am
SDGrrr(l) said:
I think soulmate is a pretty strong word to assign to that…trainwreck…of a relationship. Sorry.
On 04/1/08 at 8:38 am
Karri said:
*GASP*
Hey, who’s side are you on?!
On 04/1/08 at 9:30 am
SDGrrr(l) said:
YOURS! ALWAYS!!
On 04/1/08 at 7:56 am
SDGrrr(l) said:
Well, since I’ve given up on finding my Mr Happily-Ever-After, I don’t know if I have any good advice for this one. One thing is for sure - NEVER lower your standards! And yes, physical attraction is INITIALLY just as important as anything else, because without it, you’d never want to say hello, spend a meal staring across the table at them, hop into bed with them a first time never mind want to spend eternity seeing that much of them, and certainly not want to have their children. But physical attraction is subjective; what is “perfect” to you may not be “perfect” to your partner in crime up there. Actually, isn’t that the truth about the whole package?That said, consider more puppies instead. They take up just as much if not more time, but they won’t grow up and tell you to stop smothering them. And they’ll never move out and leave you with an empty nest.
On 04/1/08 at 8:17 am
Karri said:
I agree…call me shallow, but physical attraction is a must have! And yes, I know for a fact that I’ve dated/married men that others didn’t find attractive, so most certainly it’s subjective.I’m too selfish to share Lilly with another puppy just yet. Wrong, I know!
On 04/1/08 at 8:21 am
Trista said:
I’m not saying to date a troll, ladies, sheesh! I am just saying to pay some attention to the inner package first for once. Attraction can grow, but an asshole is pretty much always an asshole.
Shallow. =P
On 04/1/08 at 8:25 am
Karri said:
Ya, I tried that, it was called e-harmony. Tell me darling, how’d that work out for you?
On 04/1/08 at 8:29 am
Trista said:
Don’t be bitter because they didn’t WANT you! Besides, I only did it for the personality profile…everyone there is looking for their SOULMATE…not a nice single mother who only has time to see you once a month.
On 04/1/08 at 8:40 am
Karri said:
Is it be considered a failure or an accomplishment to get rejected by e-harmony?
On 04/1/08 at 8:45 am
Trista said:
It’s good for the pocketbook, I’ll tell you that!
That place is a RIPOFF! Much like every other dating site out there…
Note to self: if you don’t want to date, don’t go on dating sites…gawd.
Can we just start going to bars to get winked at again, like the good ol days, huh K?
On 04/1/08 at 8:57 am
Karri said:
Do you hear that…it’s the Abbey beckoning us. Gay boys and lesbians are the best ego feeders, and I might even find a sperm donor there too!
On 04/1/08 at 1:52 pm
Balancing Good & Evil Daily said:
Hahaha… I know where of you speak. I don’t think you’ll find a sperm donor there, unless of course you are looking to take an oral deposit!
On 04/1/08 at 2:53 pm
Sal said:
Rejected by E-Harmony… I wouldn’t worry about it… I was too, I took the hour long BS little personality quiz blah blah, and it comes back saying, ‘Ya so, your like unmatchable’, I’m sitting there going, What The Heck…. I just wasted an hour of my life, for this “Trusted Relationship Site” to tell me to go screw myself…
Well, I did spend thirty minutes on a “Life expectancy” Test, said I was gonna die at age 18.9… I’m 20, maybe the big man lost my map… that would suck… kinda
Sal
On 04/1/08 at 3:11 pm
Karri said:
I just think that is horribly rude of them. The least they could do is say “hey, you’re not really our type, but here’s a bunch of other losers like yourself that you can choose from if you wish.”I need to take a poll and see how many people have been rejected. Bastards!
On 04/1/08 at 8:08 pm
Kevin said:
Maybe you could start a website that gather ALL the “rejects” from ALL the dating sites. ???
On 04/1/08 at 8:12 pm
Karri said:
I was thinking the very same thing! Get to work on that, would ya?
On 04/2/08 at 4:56 am
Kevin said:
Just waiting for you to send me the startup funds. Trust me… we got a gold mine, here!