Kielbasas or Cocktail Weenies?
November 19, 2008 · Print This Article
Dear Eve,
I met a woman online about two and a half months ago. Things had been going good and we are supposed to meet in several weeks. But I am not sure if I am going to be able to go through with it. The problem is, we started having phone sex week before last. And it was really great, and really hot, until she started talking about how she couldn’t wait to have my big hard c**k. Over and over, she just kept talking about my giant, enormous, monster dick. Well, I do not have a big dick, at all. In fact I am fully aware of the fact that I am well below average. I’m not ashamed, I just think this woman is going to be disappointed when she finds me to not be as well endowed as she imagined. So Eve, do I need to cancel my ticket? Or tell her the truth? Or just go and deal with the sad look I know will cross her face when I drop my pants in front of her for the first time?
Signed, No thunder down under
Dearest Under-achiever,
Well, well, well. This is quite a pickle, my friend. Trouble is, it’s a gherkin and your lady friend was really hoping for a dill. I know, I know, how completely un-kosher of me. I’ll stop. Where were we? Oh yeah, your small penis.
Honestly, phone sex talk is just that…talk. Sure, she might be a big dick fiend who will laugh (or cry) in the face of your Cracker Jack prize of a peen, but it is just as likely that she is simply playing with the dialogue in the only way she knows how. What do most guys want us ladies to say about their dicks? That they are soooo big…soooo hard…sooo thick… blah-ditty-blah, blah. This girl most likely said what she assumed you wanted to hear, that’s all.
Lets chat for a second here, woman to man. Do you know what matters most to me, and 99% of my female friends? Your ability to make us orgasm. So do you work what Mother Nature gave you to the best of your abilities? Have you perfected your oral skills? Are you good with your hands? And most importantly, are you going to be able to go into this with confidence in your abilities? If you find yourself answering yes to all of the above, don’t cash in your ticket. Go, have fun, and don’t say a word about her “big” talk. Take her to the moon and back and she will not care about thumb-kin down there in your pants.
Now, if she IS one of those women, (and yes, they are out there) that just cannot be satisfied with anything less than a Godzilla-wang, well then unfortunately she is not the one for you. (Or for most guys, really.) But you won’t know unless you try.
And if she does unwrap your package and promptly ask for a refund, you don’t need her giant vagina having self anyway…so there!
Love and kisses,
Eve
On 11/19/08 at 5:49 am
Cassie said:
I think I might have fallen in love….not BECAUSE he has a small penis, but because he was HONEST about it!!!
On 11/19/08 at 7:11 am
Trista said:
I agree. I have a serious issue with the guys who aren’t so big but tell you they are ginormous. Complex much?
On 11/19/08 at 2:52 pm
Prophet said:
This is funny… I didn’t know y’all did comedy around these parts… I was under the impression that this was some literary feminist website…you know like the”View” in times new roman… anyways. Good times were had… y’all should keep this eve chick…she’s pretty talented for being absolutely peenless
On 11/19/08 at 2:58 pm
Average Joe said:
She’s got brass ovaries, that Eve.
On 11/19/08 at 5:58 pm
Trista said:
And multiple personalities…
On 11/19/08 at 7:23 pm
Meghan said:
Prophet shows up and it’s only to remind me I am peenless…*sigh*
Just give me one for a day…ONE DAY!
On 11/23/08 at 3:33 pm
Rev. Mitcz said:
C’mon now, chief. This site uses sans-serif fonts (Arial, Helvetica, Geneva), not serif fonts like Times New Roman. If you’re going to make a silly joke and reference font names.. do it right
On 11/19/08 at 7:01 am
Fiona said:
Wow. I think you are bang on with this one. I’ve never heard phone sex talk involving anything other than big thick throbbing penis. I hope for his sake (because he seems like a genuine person) that it was just talk and the lady won’t disappoint.
On 11/19/08 at 7:12 am
Trista said:
Exactly. Phone sex is fantasy talk…phone sex is dirty talk. It isn’t reality. My gut tells me this guy has nothing to worry about.
On 11/19/08 at 7:33 am
Karri said:
I’m sure he’s figured it out by now, but knowing which positions will provide the happy couple with the best results is important information to armed with.
Compensate, don’t over-extend!
On 11/19/08 at 7:39 am
Trista said:
More grinding, less thrusting.
On 11/19/08 at 7:58 am
Karri said:
Exactly!
On 11/19/08 at 7:38 am
Island Princess said:
Wow, I think this guy is awesome. Hopefully she will appreciate all of him and not discard him…
As far as the penis thing goes, the author of the post is right, if you make her feel fantastic, size is irrelevant. =)
On 11/19/08 at 7:43 am
Trista said:
If she doesn’t appreciate him, then its her loss. Not to sound cliche, but really. He’s honest, he’s grounded, he’s concerned with her needs…sounds like a winner to me!
On 11/19/08 at 10:27 am
Island Princess said:
Heheh, and you know after this blog, if he does get dismissed, I’m sure there will be a long line of ladies waiting to “cheer him up…” =D
On 11/19/08 at 10:38 am
Trista said:
I’m telling you, with all the men that write in with their dating woes, we should start a dating network over here on the side!
On 11/19/08 at 8:22 am
Meghan said:
Talk is talk…he shouldn’t sweat it too much. She’s open enough for masturbatory phone sex so I don’t think we are dealing with someone never around the block.
On 11/19/08 at 8:56 am
Trista said:
It would be weird though…wouldn’t it. Imagine (this is going to be a challenge for you, miss, but I have faith) you have A cups. Or smaller, even. And you are having phone sex with this great guy whom you are about to meet, and he keeps talking about how excited he is to bury his face in your enormous, pillowy, double D’s.
How would you handle that? Yeah, its fantasy talk, but still weird and uncomfortable, no?
On 11/19/08 at 9:00 am
Karri said:
Or even worse is when a gal pulls the “chicken cutlet” bait and switch. Wanna see a happy face go sour…pull out your stuffing and toss them on the floor. Not that I would know of course.
On 11/19/08 at 10:19 am
Trista said:
Chicken cutlets? Really, Karri.
And ew…thanks for the lovely visual.
On 11/19/08 at 10:58 am
Karri said:
Not actual chicken, silly. Those fake silicone bra inserts that look like chicken.
What, I’m the only one?
On 11/19/08 at 11:08 am
Trista said:
Oh, I know what you are talking about. I’ve just never done the mental comparison to raw meat…before today.
So again…thanks.
Ew.
On 11/19/08 at 11:09 am
Meghan said:
Any guy that auto assumes I have pillowy double Ds is already off my list.
I had a friend in love with the Wonder Bra years ago. My boyfriend and I introduced her to one of his guy friends and they got along great.
The next week we all hung out she was sans wonder bra and the guy actually pulled me aside and said ‘Didn’t you friend have tits last week?’
Fucking jerk!
On 11/19/08 at 11:15 am
Trista said:
Hahahahahahaaaa…ehm. The dangers of padded bras are no joke.
Speaking of irregular boob size: My boobs change size DRAMATICALLY during my cycle. Like a full cup size or more.
So any guy with me has to adjust to that weirdness. But hey! It enables them to pretend they are getting with a stranger or something. I can throw on a wig, talk in a weird voice, whip out the once a month biggies and bam! Role play time.
Ha.
On 11/19/08 at 11:20 am
Meghan said:
My left boob wants to dominate during mine…my right shudders under it’s shadow…whats with that? Sometimes I think they’re still growing.
Which would more than explain the fact I have the sense of humor of a pubescent teen! It’s all coming together.
On 11/19/08 at 11:34 am
Trista said:
Boobs are so bizarre, no wonder men are obsessed with them.
On 11/19/08 at 8:35 am
Evan said:
I pierced my penis last Spring so it would seem more appealing and enticing. (Only to realize that there is more to getting a woman into bed than leaning over at the bar and whispering, “I have a pierced cock. Wanna see it?”)
But I actually don’t like wearing it during sex, and my last girlfriend said it felt like getting a pap smear.
Also, I think hardness is a major part of getting a girl off, and though my dick is not small, I wish I could sustain harder erections (which would also make using condoms easier). I use Cialis sometimes, especially if I know I am going to be drinking a lot prior to sex (which I typically do since the only people who will have sex with me are the kind of people who I would probably only have sex with while drunk) because no one likes a whiskey dick… or, in my case, a vodka dick.
On 11/19/08 at 8:36 am
Evan said:
(Also, why do I feel so at home in a room full of girls talking about cock?)
On 11/19/08 at 8:48 am
Trista said:
Mmmm…vodka.
Wait…aren’t you like 28 years old? How’d you swing a prescription for old man drugs? Do you buy it off the interwebs?
And why ARE you so comfortable talking cock-talk with the ladies?
On 11/19/08 at 10:20 am
Kevin said:
I might be able to answer that. You’d be surprised that the figure is in the millions. I was thrown back to find out from a pharmacist friend of mine how many young men actually go in to pick up prescribed sex meds to go along with whatever else they’re being prescribed. So I pressed the issue with my one word question, “Why?” This could be for various reasons and probably a whole different topic altogether.
We live in a world where everything we want has to be immediate, looking good, performing well, etc. So many young men who are sexually healthy in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s will pop some kind of sex pill like Viagara, if not your standard sex enhancer at the erotic store just to be that much better. We’re in a different age now, women or your partner tend to be more open, erotic and sexually empowered. So from the guys perspective there is a level of anxiety and pressure because they feel they’re being evaluated in a much bigger way. Or maybe it’s just that the pill has the duration to keep the guy going for four or five hours. Everything is so accessible now and 9 times out of 10 it’s being used.
On 11/19/08 at 10:27 am
Trista said:
Wow. I have never been with a guy that openly admitted to being on any sort of erection enhancing medication…but now you have left me wondering…
On 11/19/08 at 10:49 am
Evan said:
For the record, seriously…
http://www.securetabs.com
The pills are actually shipped from India and take about a month and a half to arrive, and they’re usually generics. They only cost about one tenth of the U.S. retail price too, AND they don’t even ask for a prescription or have you fill out a medical questionaire. (Can’t believe it is legal!)
Hey, sorry, but I like being able to sit up and play for eight hours and shoot five loads with a boner you could hang a horseshoe from. Sorry, but that is way more fun than getting off once or twice and then ‘cuddling’ for the rest of the night — Eww, then I’d have to actuallybond with a girl, or something. (That’s gross, dude. I only do that with my male friends.)
On 11/19/08 at 11:07 am
Trista said:
Sounds incredibly safe, Evan.
On 11/19/08 at 1:17 pm
LivingWicked said:
(Only to realize that there is more to getting a woman into bed than leaning over at the bar and whispering, “I have a pierced cock. Wanna see it?”)
HAHAHAHAHAH! I would make you show me.
On 11/19/08 at 4:26 pm
Phoenix said:
And I would say, “No thanks”, which would only drive him crazy obsessed with me.
But that’s just me.
On 11/19/08 at 8:53 am
Average Joe said:
The Average vagina is 3-5 inches in length in an aroused state. This is unless they have changed things. The average male penis is approximately 5-6 inches in length, so it would seem that the length discussion is pretty much fantasy.
My wife tells me that if any size should matter it would be girth. Anatomically the nerve endings that experience sensation are in the labia minora and the lips of the vagina. Not in the inside lining. Few if any endings experience pleasure in the deepest recesses.
For your guy, if he is attentive to her she could have massive orgasms before he ever enters her. And she should. My wife told me recently that I was a good lover. ( after 30 years of practice!!We have a 30th wedding anniversary nest month and I have a 57th b-day Saturday the 22nd) I ask her what made me a good lover and she said, ” You are attentive to my needs”. Funny isn’t it? Simple love and courtesy makes a good lover, not organ size or even technique, but that gets better with practice I must add.
She never fails to have an orgasm if she wants one, she says that there are nights where it really is too much work, after a long day. ( she is 50 now)
You know, in my personal opinion the thing that is missing in so much of this discussion on line is the role that long term commitment and the security of being with someone who you believe will not leave you and the freedom that brings. Imagine being with a lover who loves you so much that when things don;t work there is no fear and you do not feel that you have to perform perfectly each time. That is a great joy as one approaches 60, trust me. When you pass 50 the body sort of sells you out occasionally!!
On 11/19/08 at 8:58 am
Trista said:
I love that you two are still going at it after 30 years…that gives me hope!
And excellent points, thank you. I think the need for size is often a psychological thing more than anything else.
I mean, I can get there with a pocket rocket…so…yeah.
On 11/19/08 at 10:37 am
LivingWicked said:
Oh that is so sad. Not that you have a smaller than average cock, but because she is setting you up for insecurity… and herself up for disappointment.
I say ask her why she was so focused on the big monster ginormous penis in the dirty sex?
I also say, tell her. If you ever plan on having open lines of communication with her, you need to be honest before wasting your time.
Not only that, if that bitch dogs you over something so small (heh no pun intended) as a penis size issue… Was she really worth your time in the first place?
On 11/19/08 at 10:40 am
Trista said:
I hear ya, Court…and I am all for honesty, but how does one bring that up…before they have even looked each other in the eyeballs?
“Hey, super-sized cock obsessed new lady friend of mine…do you really need all that? Cuz I am really more of a happy meal kinda guy…just sayin’…”
??
On 11/19/08 at 10:51 am
LivingWicked said:
I would approach it like this:
“Hey, so when we were vibing the other night, you were really focused on this “monster cock” of mine. I feel like that might be a big deal to you, and I wanted to just talk about it if it is and why? I am not monstrous by any means, and if we are going to take this step to meet each other, I think that I should make you aware of the reality of the situation. I do not want to waste my time or yours.”
If I were the girl on the other end of the line, I would feel bad, and I would be open to talk about it. Size is an issue for me, but it is not an end all be all either. I just happened to be blessed with a husband who has a Dirk Diggler sized penis. Going backward from that would take some adjusting, and also would not be something I would want to be surprised with either.
On 11/19/08 at 10:57 am
Trista said:
So you would basically say what I said without all the euphemisms…okay.
Note to self, use less euphemisms…
On 11/19/08 at 10:58 am
LivingWicked said:
Well I think it is important to not beat around the bush. As difficult of a conversation as it is to have… I really think it is important to just get to the point.
Cause obviously it is a big deal to him… whether he wants to admit it or not. Maybe not the size issue persay, but disappointing her.
On 11/19/08 at 11:06 am
Trista said:
That whole straight to the point thing is nice…in theory. But some people just aren’t comfortable with it, sadly. I am sure you are mighty aware of that, being as upfront of a person as you are.
Now this guy might be though…he DID write in about it, so perhaps he isn’t too shy. But I am pretty damn sure the girl is going to be beyond embarrassed when her faux pas is brought to the surface.
Of course she is the one that opened her “big” mouth…
On 11/19/08 at 11:57 am
LivingWicked said:
Yeah I tend to be the minority most of the time.
And I wanted to add:
Size only matters if you make it the issue.
There are soooo many other non-penetrable ways to cum that it isnt even funny. So as long as she is pleased
On 11/19/08 at 12:05 pm
Trista said:
Exactly! That was my point…even if she IS disappointed at first glance, you can easily turn that frown upside down with a couple good O’s…
On 11/19/08 at 12:06 pm
LivingWicked said:
All I gotta say is he BETTER be an oral MASTER… or he is in for some lonely times.
On 11/19/08 at 12:15 pm
Trista said:
ALL men need to be oral masters, damnnit! It is a crucial life skill.
On 11/19/08 at 12:19 pm
LivingWicked said:
I think that the gods blessed me with the perfect man in the bedroom.
Everywhere else though… I am being fucking punished.
Hm. I would say, T-Totally worth it.
Angry fucking is the bestestestest.
On 11/19/08 at 12:36 pm
Trista said:
Now you’re just rubbing your sex life in my face. Meanie.
On 11/19/08 at 12:56 pm
LivingWicked said:
Maybe if you werent such a dirty lurker…. HAHA.
On 11/19/08 at 11:18 am
SG said:
Have you been hacking my email again….. ?
On 11/19/08 at 11:32 am
Trista said:
Hey! I had to do SOMETHING to get you over here!
On 11/19/08 at 12:12 pm
LivingWicked said:
SG, Lemme see your naughty bits. I will be the judge of the size of it.
Gladly.
On 11/19/08 at 12:58 pm
SG said:
Well. Uhhh. Geee.
Trista knows how to find me.
(Sorry, thanks, I’m taken)
: )
On 11/19/08 at 1:03 pm
LivingWicked said:
are you blushing?!
On 11/19/08 at 1:10 pm
SG said:
Nope. Just racing around blogging my bunns off.
: )
On 11/19/08 at 11:28 am
Evan said:
And seriously…
The girl in the magnifying glass pic looks a lot like porn star, Lisa Ann, when she performed as Sarah Pailin in the political porn satire, Who’s Nailin’ Pailin?
(Which, BTW, I highly recommend, both for hotness, and for sheer entertainment.)
On 11/19/08 at 11:35 am
Trista said:
I would definitely watch that.
But where’s the Biden porn, huh?
On 11/19/08 at 12:12 pm
Evan said:
They quipped about that on the Daily Show, the week the Pailin spoof was announced: Who’s Ridin’ Biden?
I thought that was pretty funny.
As far as I know, the idea has yet to snatched up by any film producers. (No pun intended.)
On 11/19/08 at 12:14 pm
Trista said:
Now THAT is a double feature I would stay in for.
On 11/19/08 at 11:41 am
Jeff said:
If it is something, that is truly upsetting this man, then I think somehow talking about it first, would be best. Like a few of you have said, he wouldn’t want to waste his, or her time, if size is all she is hung up on. Although it might be a sensitive issue, I am sure it will be easier to talk about, with computers and many miles between the two of them. I know it would be easier than just going there and possibly getting his ego bruised. Like you said Trista, hopefully if this guy is that worried enough to write in and discuss, hopefully he will be strong enough to bridge that communication gap. And if you are unable to talk about it, is that a relationship worth pursuing anyways? Good luck Guy!
On 11/19/08 at 11:55 am
Trista said:
Yeah, you all have a point…traveling to get rejected on the basic of penis size would be beyond upsetting.
He could always send her a heartfelt e-mail about it…
On 11/19/08 at 12:05 pm
Jeff said:
Yeah, possibly. At first I thought, an email seems a little impersonal. Then I thought, well it is just as impersonal as this chick assuming this guy has a king kong dong. It all comes down to the same thing, communication. Doesn’t matter what medium he chooses. The truth will pop up, one way or the other. Just seems like it would be best to get it out in the open first, before possibly embarrassing both of them, and wasting a good vacation.
On 11/19/08 at 12:12 pm
Trista said:
Very good point. I was thinking e-mail because:
A. They are in a long distance, they probably communicate via the internet often and
B. Waaaaaay less awkward.
Still painful waiting for that reply, but less painful than uttering the words aloud. I know you boys are sensitive about your penises.
On 11/19/08 at 12:28 pm
Jeff said:
Makes sense. There are several options, just choose the one least painful! Communication is key!
However, what if it were the other way around? Some girl is having phone sex with some guy, who keeps going on and on about how tight he thinks her vag is. When in reality she has a huge gaping cavern? Would that be just as hard to explain?
I bet that would be just as awkward, no? Too bad we can’t live in a world without wrongful expectations.
On 11/19/08 at 12:36 pm
Trista said:
“Huge, gaping cavern…” ~Yeah, no woman wants to hear that. I think women are possibly even more sensitive about their vaginae. I mean lets face it…genitalia is one of those areas we exhibit so little control over.
Although at least we girls have kegels…
PS Thanks for giving me a reason to use the plural of vagina. It always makes me feel fancy.
On 11/19/08 at 12:42 pm
Jeff said:
Hey no problem! What else am I good for?
The only reason I thought about that, was because You had said guys are so sensitive about their penis. I wondered if it worked the same way, the other way around.
I guess regardless of gender, people are sensitive about their genitals. Like You said, it is something we have little control over. Unless someone has the money and insecurities to have plastic surgery.
On 11/19/08 at 1:09 pm
DaMaGe said:
Oh my goodness! An email? That would seem crazy to me. Sure, he’s not facing the ackwardness, but that comes off as if he dwelled on the issue (as he is) and can’t perform.
First off, I think he wouldn’t hear back from her because she very well might see he as less confident for not confronting the issue “real time” along w/ dwelling on it.
Secondly, that’s documentation! His words are no longer heresay to others. It’s electronically signed, sealed and delivered! “Yes ma’am, my peter is not up to snuff”. Sure they met online, but I’d leave that option alone, personally.
I would suggest writing out what you want to say and practice your delivery if you truly want sound confident and don’t make it sound like